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Thread: Is my bestfriend right to do this?

  1. #1

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    Is my bestfriend right to do this?

    I’ve had a bestfriend since we were 5 (we’re 21 now). Went to school and college together.
    Over the years we’ve had a few arguments but nothing serious.
    Lately we had a big one and I’d appreciate your POV.

    Me and my long term GF of 2 years had broken up a couple of months ago. I had asked him to help patch things up (as she had asked him for help previously though they never met.) he said he tried but couldn’t. Anyway her and I started talking again, a lot on the phone but we weren’t ready to meet. She said “we can’t be in the same room together.” (What did that mean?) and it seemed she wasn’t ready so I didn’t push it. But I was always there for her when she needed me on call and vice versa.
    However we had an argument and she decided to block me.
    I realized that my bestfriend had spoken to her regarding me a couple of times. He said she was adamant on not fixing things. I asked him if he was hiding something from me.

    He admitted that during a call with my ex, she told him “I’m considering to meet Ben (me) and get closure for him and I, but wait don’t tell him yet because I’m not sure.”

    I was really angry as to why he kept it for so long and decided to tell me when everything was 100% over. In his defense he said “I could’ve lied and told you she doesn’t care about you and doesn’t think of you.” Anyway, not to be dramatic but recently I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I felt vulnerable. I’ve had complications before but it had changed my behavior(made me more impulsive, easily angered etc) but not dangerous.
    I loved her a lot and I’ve done her a lot of good and she as well, but we’ve also had fights where I’d do things I couldn’t control (to calm myself with drinking which she hated)
    This was one of the reasons we broke up and also because other people got involved and messed things up by manipulating her.

    So i asked my bestfriend if he can call my ex and explain to her the situation in hopes that she would understand why I had done these things and we’d meet. Because she had said things that I’m not the man she used to love, and that I change and act different at times and that we are both bad for each otherx and I had no way of reaching her. (I didn’t want to harass her.) She was like family to me. And we knew everything about the other. He made fun in a way, “oh will she heal your tumor? Sorry mate I won’t talk to her again. “ And even made jokes to another mutual friend who said I’m using my sickness as a manipulation to get her back. When they used to bad mouth her a lot in the past and egg me on to leave her.
    I got angry and stood up for myself and decided to cut them off. In the past few months all I got was disrespect, and neglect from them. They would make petty jokes and say yeah we’ll talk later when *other mate comes back to town over coffee. When I asked him why he lied, he covered himself by saying you’re mad because I don’t want to speak to her for you. Don’t obligate me to. I don’t agree with you both getting back and even if she did it won’t be real.”


    Am I being dramatic? Are they right?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think it was a big mistake to get your best friend involved in your relationship. Relationships are between two people as two's company, three's a crowd. Never pull another person into your relationship because they have no business being part of your personal life.

    You're better off moving on with your life without both of them.

    Unless you can make sincere amends with your best friend, you've basically ruined a precious childhood friendship and your best friend showed his true colors to you.

    I'm sorry about your brain tumor. I hope you will definitely recover!

    That was a cheap shot from your so-called best friend. If my best friend had the capability to stoop that low, I would steer clear and even drop that friend.

    Since you cut them off, it's time for you to move forward with your life and concentrate on your health first.

    Everyone is being dramatic and no one is right. Everyone is to blame and at fault as it takes all parties to make a mess of things.

    Start with a clean slate and know better in the future.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Your best friend has every right to decline speaking to your ex for you. You should never involve third parties in such matters as it usually further complicates things and often one ends up shooting the messenger i.e. the dumpee ends up blaming the third party when things don't go as desired. Imo, you need to respect your best friends' wish to abstain from the whole mess.

    It also sounds like right now you have too much on your plate to be able to heal this relationship. Imo, you need to focus on taking care of your health and once you are better and off alcohol then you can start thinking about adding a girl into the equation.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sorry but it looks the way it looks. Never let anyone do the work for you. If you wanted to try and patch things up or explain some of the issues with your ex, be a man and do it yourself. It gets tired when you try to bring your friends into it....and yes they got tired of it. It got a little weird, and maybe a bit immature all around. Is it the tumor? maybe, maybe not, no one can be sure. Anyways you need to put her and everyone else on hold. Focus on more positive things, hope for full recovery and in time things will sort themselves out.

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  6. #5

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    Thank you all for the advice and well wishes, sincerely appreciate it.
    One point I would like to add: I never involve people in my personal issues or give them the green light to do work for me.
    I simply asked him because he was my bestfriend for so many years and knew me so well, and she had involved him directly before by asking him to help us. And so later I was okay with it because I considered him a brother and I thought it would be okay.
    I just feel upset as to why he lied to me and didn’t tell me she wants to see me when it was the time

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Look, you've got a lot on your plate right now and the plate is spinning. Own that really quick. Own that, in times like these, we can't quite think clearly.

    Your frustration with him, while understandable, actually doesn't really make any sense. What you're most frustrated with, after all, is that you and your ex aren't able to see eye to eye. Sucks. Hugs or fist bumps—your preference. But that just is, not something he did.

    He didn't really lie, you know? She was "considering" meeting up with you, but wasn't sure. She did not "want" to meet you, in short. And, ultimately, she decided she did not want to meet you. Her choice, not something your friend did.

    What did he do? He basically did what you asked: he got involved. In asking him for that you asked him to respect both you, and her, best he knew how. Hard position. But, honestly, if my best friend asked me to involve myself like this—he wouldn't, but whatever—and his ex told me to not tell him something? I would keep that from my friend, out of respect for her and the situation.

    Hard facts here is this: there was no hope for you and your ex. If there was, you'd be hanging with her right now and not hanging on this forum. Did your friend suck a bit with the snide comments? He did. If in the scheme of a life of knowing him that sucking is an outlier, I think you forgive it, chalking it up to a weird time, with lots of plates spinning, when you weren't yourself and everything got turned upside down for a second.

    Focus on your health. It really needs you right now.

  8. #7
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    look up "triangulation." And stop doing it. life will be less stressful and you will be wondering a lot less what other people's intentions are

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BenJay98
    Thank you all for the advice and well wishes, sincerely appreciate it.
    One point I would like to add: I never involve people in my personal issues or give them the green light to do work for me.
    I simply asked him because he was my bestfriend for so many years and knew me so well, and she had involved him directly before by asking him to help us. And so later I was okay with it because I considered him a brother and I thought it would be okay.
    I just feel upset as to why he lied to me and didn’t tell me she wants to see me when it was the time
    Simply asking your best friend was the mistake with all due respect. In this regard, yes, you involved him in your affairs which should've been none of his business in the first place yet you made it his business by default.

    Despite your friend feeling as close as a brother to you, I would never even consider asking my siblings to step in nor would they be willing to intervene in my marriage. It's simply out of the question. Relationships are between two people, not three. No, this would NOT be ok!

    He lied to you which was not right. You've since learned the meaning of human weakness and the dark side of human nature when friendship dynamics suddenly change. Live and learn. I hope you're no longer naive. You can't trust everyone.

  10. #9
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    I'm very sorry about your health, OP. Sending you best wishes for full recovery.

    Regarding the issue at hand - you should never have asked your best friend to get involved in this. It doesn't matter if your ex had previously asked him for help. It simply is not wise to bring third parties into relationship trouble. I think the anger and frustration you're experiencing is actually not really about him, but about your ex and the end of the relationship. Your buddy didn't cause it; he can't fix it for you. Him electing not to mention she might have considered meeting you is irrelevant, really. That isn't what caused this whole problem, and if your ex truly wanted to see you, she would found a way to make that happen. The fact that it didn't happen is not on your buddy.

    I get that you are hurt, but you are upset with the wrong person here.

    Your best bet is to step away from all this drama and concentrate instead on what really matters, which is your health. Take care of yourself, OP.

  11. #10
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    I'm really sorry to hear about your brain tumor. No doubt it's a scary thing to have and is very stressful. I don't minimize your experience with the brain tumor but I think you're being quite unreasonable about your friend. For one thing, it's immature to ask people to always play messenger between you and an ex or you and any person. You are adults and you should just be talking to each other. It is really awkward to get between two people. I know because I've been there myself with people trying to put me in the middle and it's not a pleasant experience.

    I don't understand why your ex or you had asked your friend to "help you". How can he help you if he's not even in your relationship? You and your partner are in the relationship and you're the only two people that can fix it or do anything at all about it. Not only your friend can't do anything, but nor should he have to. If you want to talk to your ex, YOU need to do that yourself.

    Also your friend didn't lie to you. Your ex asked him not to tell you what she said and he had to honour what she asked to uphold her trust. If anything he sounds like a good and loyal friend. I literally don't see what he's actually done wrong. If you're angry about your tumor or break up, that is not your friend's fault at all. You need to act more mature and responsible for your own life.

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