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Thread: I have doubts over girlfriend

  1. #1

    I have doubts over girlfriend

    Hi there. I am a 27 years old male and i dated for the past 2 years a nice girl (25). We had a good overall relationship, she is fun, sometimes silly, maybe crazy from time to time, she is pretty direct, well mannered, and she really seemed to love me. I on the other hand tend to overthink, overanalyse, overcomplicate things. I am a young doctor, she is a nurse. She works 2 different jobs, which means one of them require her to travel and from time to time spend some time apart. When she travels she is sleeping in the same establishment as her boss. She also worked for some time in a casino, which is not the most prestigious place to work. My family is a upper middle class good family, hers on the other hands are not doing so well. Obviously my family disapproves of the relationship.

    My boss doesn't like her, and he warned me that i am doing a mistake, without giving me any good reason. He is right that the difference in education and earning will put a strain on the relationship. Recently a female friend of my told me while we had a openhearted discussion that i could do a lot better.

    Recently she put some weight, she got pretty heavy, i know it is very superficial but i am slightly embarrassed by it, never told her anything because it is her body and life and i am sure that when she will want she will lose weight.

    We both had previous relationships, but there is something that is difficult for me to believe about her past. She told me that she had 3 previous relationships but all of them ended when she found out the all her partners cheated on her. I find that to be odd.

    These are the bad things between us, i dont want to make her look bad, i wanted to star with the things that were bothering me.

    To be fair she never gave me any good reason to not trust her, always telling me were she is going and with whom, she really seems to care about me, was there for me when i needed, i am attracted to her and her to me, sexually were are doing very well ( actually very well, when we first met she was not the most outgoing in the bed, she stated that she didnt tried many things, but after she was comfortable with me she started being very open to try everthing). I fell free around her, i am able to be myself, and she feels the same way.

    My doubts are because maybe i am blindsided ( even if i dont feel in love head over heals like i used to be when i was a teenager), maybe other people are seeing something that i am not able, or maybe the others didnt take the time to actually know her.

    Sorry for the long post and my bad english. I would really like to hear so advise, maybe from someone that experienced something similar, or had doubts at some point. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Reading this, it kind of sounds like you've spent the past two years with someone you've never been really into—almost, but not quite. You have fun, get along, the sex is good—yeah, there's that. But some deeper something seems to be missing, along with some logistical dilemmas in your eyes, with you using your overthinking head to fill in the gaps.

    Relationships aren't psychology experiments. When they feel like that, odds are it's not because we are prone to overthinking, over-analyzing, over-complicating, but because we are feeling the inevitable friction that comes when the round peg is shoved into the square hole. That you are easily influenced by what other people are saying—that you can do better, and so on—means that you are not particularly "sold" on her being a good fit.

    So, what to do? You'll make the choice that's best for you, but, speaking for myself, I kind of know that if my brain is spinning around it means my heart is missing some kind of nourishment that it needs. I have a brain that loves to spin, but when things are working—be it professional, platonic, or romantic—it just doesn't overheat. As such, when I'm getting involved with people I see the overheating as a mark of incompatibility. Probably took me a relationship like the one you're in to see it that way, I admit.

  3. #3
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    My boss doesn't like her, and he warned me that i am doing a mistake, without giving me any good reason. He is right that the difference in education and earning will put a strain on the relationship. Recently a female friend of my told me while we had a openhearted discussion that i could do a lot better.

    Recently she put some weight, she got pretty heavy, i know it is very superficial but i am slightly embarrassed by it, never told her anything because it is her body and life and i am sure that when she will want she will lose weight.


    I think its absolutely wrong for your boss to have an opinion about your relationship and for a female friend to tell you "you could do better". Could it be the friend wants to make a play for you?

    If your gf works two jobs, she could have gained wait due to stress, eating on the road, etc, but remember, you will not always have a flat stomach either.

    She didn't have the "privilege" of being born into a family like yours, so God forbid she had to waitress or work in a casino to make ends meet.

    I think you should break up if you are not into her, but i also think you have poor boudaries to let other people influence you like that. And you don't value what's important in people

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    If your intuition and gut instincts are telling you that she's not "thee one" for you, then listen to that little voice inside you.

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  6. #5
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    We both had previous relationships, but there is something that is difficult for me to believe about her past. She told me that she had 3 previous relationships but all of them ended when she found out the all her partners cheated on her. I find that to be odd.

    People can be bad at choosing partners, or it could be she has a broader idea of what cheating means (they may not have slept with someone else but had an emotional affair and blamed it on her long work hours etc). if you are happy with eachother and the relationship is well except you looking down your nose at her lack of a prestigious family then i would stay with her -- but not if you are going to leave her if she gets "fat" if you were to have a kid and she were to have a diffcult pregancy.

  7. #6
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    You don't respect nor love her. Don't waste anymore of her time, just end things.

  8. #7
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    Why is your boss even giving his opinion on your relationship in the first place?

    It sounds like there are some superficial, class-oriented people in your life and you've let them put ideas in your head about your supposed superiority over her. But I suspect they're able to do so because you have never been that into her, either.

    Let her go. You don't love her enough to make this work, and she will figure that out soon enough. It will crush her; be kind and end it before she gets anymore invested. Take a look at your own values in life, too. Your priorities seem a bit mixed-up. Learn to set better boundaries between your professional life and personal life, as well. There is no reason why your boss should be privy to your relationship issues.

  9. #8
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    If you are not into her, it doesn't matter what the actual reasons are. If these reasons are valid to you and you don't really love her anymore, then you should break up. However if I may just give my personal opinion, I think some (If not all) of your reasons are pretty shallow. I'm not sure what country you're from, but here in Australia there is not much social class divide. So people are not preoccupied with "is this family rich", "is this family poor", etc. Certainly we have lower classes here, but they are not looked down upon.

    Unless her family have something disrespectful about them, like they are drug addicts, have committed crime, or are bad people, it is shallow to look down on them just because they're not affluent. If you and your family are just after someone with money then why did you bother to date this girl for two years in the first place?

    Also how much do you really respect your girlfriend if you allow whoever feels like it to make bad comments about her and your relationship? It is none of your boss's business to say these things to you. You haven't actually said that your girlfriend has done anything wrong except your family doesn't like her, your boss doesn't like her, and she gained weight. If she's a nice girl then how is it her fault that your boss and family don't like her?

    Keep in mind too that she is not an uneducated bum. She has a career - she's a nurse. It's a very stressful profession, as I'm sure you know because you're a doctor yourself.

    If you don't want to be with her then admit the real reasons, which is that you are not attracted to her and you don't love her. Trying to get validation from your family and boss is just low.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The sex is good so you are still in this. However it sounds like that's all there is and you see no future in this for a long list of reasons. As long as you are honest with yourself that you don't see her as someone you should be with it's fine. However do a scan of your conscience and see if you are stringing her along for sex and "slumming it".
    Originally Posted by AhuraMazda14
    My family is a upper middle class good family, hers on the other hands are not doing so well. Obviously my family disapproves of the relationship.My boss doesn't like her, and he warned me that i am doing a mistake, without giving me any good reason. He is right that the difference in education and earning will put a strain on the relationship.

    i am attracted to her and her to me, sexually were are doing very well actually very well, when we first met she was not the most outgoing in the bed, she stated that she didnt tried many things, but after she was comfortable with me she started being very open to try everthing . I fell free around her, i am able to be myself, and she feels the same way.

  11. #10
    Thank you, it was insightful and eye opening. Thank you for taking the time to comment and give your opinion and advice. I will take everything into consideration.


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