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Recovering from Narcissistic abuse


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Hello everyone,

 

I have fallen victim from narcissistic abuse for a long time.

 

I have been in this relationship for several years with intervals. But for some reason I have allowed him back hoping for him to change. But I have been researching about narcissistic abuse. I have been dealing with the cycle of abuse: the idealisation, the devaluation, discard and the hooving. This cycle repeated many times. The hooving phase would last only for a little while not until the devaluating would start as well the discarding. I have noticed that his evil actions would be: putting me down with words, and all the lies. I have also noticed that he is a master manipulator. I thought it was real love, because he kept coming back.

 

I was very naive. He would block me when I would tell him something he would not like. He recently did again because I told him that it I know his mind games. He delatuated me like a raging bull. He can be like as if your witnessing an earthquake. Very much depleting the energy and the instillment of fear.

 

Very nasty. This was on text after I had told him face to face after. Then a day later he suddenly started sending flirtatious text with how beautiful I am looking and all that. The mood shifts and calculations were so obvious. I was witnessing it now fully and clear. I am awakened God. I had learnt that he was using me as a supply all these times. And in the end even admitted in a brutal manner. I have found it petty and immoral. This man has no sense of integrity since he told me this not until all these years.

 

He would apply the blocking tactic to instill instinctive fear and it worked because I do feel fear. But I am keep telling myself that this is his tactic to go back to him so he can feel powerful, and the cycle would be repeated again. The fear paralyses and I am delaying work.

 

I am becoming more aware of this nasty ill person which helps me a lot. These people with these disorders are really mean and calculated.

 

I am recovering right now. His blocking should have been me. I feel that the blocking has triggered fear in me that is really paralysing. I am allowing to feel the fear.

 

I would like to ask if there are other ways to heal from this? And how to manage the fear?

 

I am really shocked how vicious this person is.

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While blocking and unblocking can be incredibly hurtful, many do it, it’s not a sign of a mental disorder, heck I’ve done it, it’s a sign of childishness and that stuck feeling it isn’t because he has some narcissistic hold, it’s because the relationship is on again off again so you stay hopeful believing it’s not truly over. Toxic on again off again relationship can easily drive one to extremes.

 

Healing will take time.

 

Please don’t use this time and the labeling as a coping mechanism until he unblocks you, that’s very common too unfortunately, be done. Block and delete him begin your journey of moving on. Relationships like this are very manipulative and harmful and can turn abusive.

 

Walk away..

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Sorry about all this.

 

Are you actually broken up right now? Healing from this is, in the big picture, pretty simple. Just like you don't heal from a broken leg by running a marathon, but by resting, you heal from a broken spirit this by cutting all contact to the source that harms it, and moving forward. You trust that time, far more than becoming an expert of diagnostic language through internet searching, will do the heavy lifting.

 

And if you're prone to analysis and diagnosing? I would challenge yourself to apply that instinct to yourself, with the help of a professional, rather than him with the help of a search engine. For a few reasons.

 

Focusing on him only makes him into a more powerful being in your imagination than he is in reality. In reality he is just dude, a dude who you don't work with, who history has repeatedly shown you you don't work with. There is, in the long run, more power to be gained by that story than the story of an evil monster with arsenal of manipulative "tactics" designed to destroy you. That maximizes him in your mind while minimizing you, and your agency—a victim narrative. There is comfort in that, but it's an edgy, limited form of comfort, since you are labeling a set of behavior that many would call childish more along a sociopathic/psychopathic spectrum.

 

Another reason? Something inside of you was open to him, was getting something from this. What you are calling manipulation and calculation were only those things because they worked, just like the child who cries for candy is "manipulative" only to the adult who buys the candy to stop the tears; to another adult, the child is just a child throwing a tantrum. Why, do you think, they worked on you? Diagnose the answer to that question and they will lose all their power, and the fear will subside, in time. Obvious as it all may be to you, it was, and still seems to be, very effective. That part is not all him, in short, but also you. Find that part of you, so you can remove it and stand down to it, rather than be guided by it and react to it.

 

I like to remind myself of what I consider a universal human truth: that I am always both stronger, and more fragile, than I know. You are stronger than you know, and more fragile. In recognizing that there is there real strength—the way we get stronger by recognizing our fragility and protecting ourselves from anything that does not serve us. He does not serve you.

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I would like to ask if there are other ways to heal from this? And how to manage the fear?

 

 

The only way to heal from this is to figure out the root cause of why you've accepted all of this: the blocking, unblocking, hoovering, lovebombing.....

 

No, it's not possible to diagnose someone via the internet, but you've uncovered some completely unacceptable, disgracious behavior that others would have walked away from the first time it happened. Yet you came back, time after time, because each time, he made it seem like things would be so wonderful, now. Until it happened again, and again, and again.

 

I'm not bashing you. I've been you. I have pages of a thread here about my own story. Block, unblock, devalue, love me so much, flowers, I'm so wonderful, block again. Garbage, really. So I'm not picking on you, I promise.

 

Here's the golden key in healing:

Work with a therapist to get to the root cause of the why. Not the "why" of his actions, but of yours. Why are you allowing this? It's likely due to something from childhood, a parent perhaps, who withheld affection, or gave affection and took it away, repeatedly. Somehow you may have felt unworthy, unlovable, or on eggshells.

 

Work out that part, and you'll heal, and you'll realize what garbage this is, and you'll never look back.

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Hello everyone,

 

I want to say thank you for reading and offering help. I am still trying to understand why this happens?

 

Wiseman 2: thank you, and yes I am stuck in a pattern and am trying to seek therapy though it hasn't been easy to find it. You're right.

 

To Bluecastle: yes, I am gonna do some soul searching. Making him bigger is because he instilled fear into me as he did several things such as trying to throw my dog from the balcony or kill my baby if I got pregnant in a aggressive way. That is not normal since I would never do such a thing. I am a very open person. Not calculative.

But yes the question still alive of why I allowed this or kept open to him?

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Right.

 

The power—the healing—is answering the question of why you allowed it. That is in no way to judge you, or to give him a hall pass for really sucking. It's just that focusing on how he sucked doesn't change the story that you allowed it.

 

A phrase that jumped out at me above is "trying to seek therapy." That phrase should be "I am seeking therapy," or, better yet, "I am now in therapy." I have been poor, I have been rich, I have been in therapy in both those life stations. It is more than doable, and figuring out how to get yourself face to face with someone you like, and can afford, is a much more valuable use of your time than becoming an expert on his psychology with the helping hand of Google. It is the difference between living life actively and passively. An active lifestyle—not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually—brews confidence. And confidence is like a shield that keeps this thing out of your life.

 

Why does this happen? The question is both complicated and simple. Easy answer is: we all have a part of ourselves that we hate—bigger in some than others, bigger at certain times than at others. But until we get intimate with that part of ourselves we hate—and learn to love it, and shrink it with love—we are vulnerable to people who can see more of it than we can. It feels very intimate, because it is a form of intimacy.

 

Problem is, it is a toxic strand. Think of it like this: I have neighbors, who I pass in the street. Let's say one waves while I pass, while another punches me in the face. Those are both powerful acts of intimacy. If I become obsessed with the one that punched me, instead of avoiding that neighbor to spend time with the one that waved, it means some part of me (the part that hates myself) believes I deserved that. And I will get hit again. And I will condition myself to think that being hit is the same as being waved at. And when the neighbor that hits me does anything remotely kind and neighborly, it will feel profound instead of just feeling the way I should feel, most of the time.

 

All that is not to say that you're a mess of a human, but just a human, one with a few frayed wires (aka some self-esteem/self-worth stuff) that need some tweaking. I don't know you, don't know the roots. You know you, and, if you get to know yourself even better, you'll be able to see those roots and pull them out.

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Hello everyone,

 

I want to say thank you for reading and offering help. I am still trying to understand why this happens?

 

Wiseman 2: thank you, and yes I am stuck in a pattern and am trying to seek therapy though it hasn't been easy to find it. You're right.

 

To Bluecastle: yes, I am gonna do some soul searching. Making him bigger is because he instilled fear into me as he did several things such as trying to throw my dog from the balcony or kill my baby if I got pregnant in a aggressive way. That is not normal since I would never do such a thing. I am a very open person. Not calculative.

But yes the question still alive of why I allowed this or kept open to him?

 

Serious question:

 

Did you stay with him after he threatened to kill your pet and/or your child had you gotten pregnant?

 

Again serious question.

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I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Been there done that. It's definitely quite the rude awakening to be sure.

 

What helps me whenever I feel victimized and naive from my past, is changing the way I think and I hope this will help you, too. Change the way you think and the light will turn on in your brain. For every bad experience with people whether they're manipulative, gaslighters, narcissistic, untrustworthy, liars, deceptive types, betrayers or any of the lot, you learn from them so it works in your favor. Yes, I said that.

 

Pain gives you wisdom. You learn to become a better judge of character, whom to avoid, whom to enforce healthy boundaries with (if you can't avoid them) and you'll learn how to navigate your life more shrewdly. You learn to decipher whether certain people are worth your time, energy, resources and care. You learn not to waste your life on people who will not give you happiness and peace of mind.

 

People who think long and hard rarely make the same mistake twice especially when it comes to whom they associate with.

 

Your previous naivete becomes no more because you've since learned from the school of hard knocks. Live and learn. This is what you walk away with: Wisdom gained. I'm sorry this is such a harsh reality check for you. We were all innocent once.

 

I've been put through the wringer in life ever since I was a child. I've heard and seen it all so nothing surprises me anymore. You will become the same and you will know how to read people. You learn to listen to your intuition and gut instincts.

 

I agree with you. Stay away from master manipulators like the pox. They are sociopaths. Google the words: Sociopath and gaslighting. They are extremely calculating in the most nasty, wicked ways and they're wolves in sheep's clothing. It's a real education let me tell you! It's quite the head trip and once you're informed, you will see the world through a different lens with a more discriminating eye for your own survival!

 

You heal by transitioning your pain into strength and wisdom. You learn from negative experiences in your life and transform it into new prudence. Fear goes away because you'll replace fear with intelligence, strength and newfound wisdom.

 

Your shock will fade and you'll become wary and jaded which is a benefit to you. You learn not to trust people so easily. You let them earn your trust as should be.

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OP, what you have to understand is that people like him exist and there are many of them out there. They are born this way and aren't going to change.

 

What you can change is YOU. You can change your flawed understanding what love is, because the reason you kept letting him back into your life is that. You thought that his meaningless words, his manipulative behavior, his abuse is what love looks like. So you CAN fix your perception of love so that when you run into this again, you will recognize immediately that it's not love, it's evil. You have heard of a wolf in sheep's clothing - so that's what he is in human form. Yes, children's fairy tales are meant to teach children who grow into adults that bad, manipulative, duplicitous people exist and to stay away from them.

 

You deal with your fear by taking your power back from him. Means that YOU block him from everything in your life - phone, e-mails, social media, etc. If he shows up at your job, you tell your employer, you tell security to kick him out. You tell your friends and family to never ever speak with him. If he shows up at your home, call police and do not open your door. You make the decision that you do NOT want to be abused and delete this evil from your life. Once you do that, you will no longer feel fear, you will start to feel calm and peace.

 

Abusive relationships can make you feel helpless and like you can't make decisions or live without your abuser. Thing is that you aren't helpless, you can make decisions, you can act on them. Most importantly, you can perfectly well live without him - you had a normal life before you met him. Remember that?

 

If counseling is available where you live, get some. You really really need to work on your misunderstanding of what love and healthy relationships look like. If not available, order some self help book and read up. Look around in real life at couples who are happy and genuine (emphasis on genuine not fake happy) and observe how they talk, how they treat each other. Learn learn learn and do some unlearning of toxic ideas you currently hold.

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