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Wasn’t it none of her business??


JulianAR

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So I broke up with my girlfriend two months ago. But I knew for a fact I made a mistake and decided after a little time and after we had fixed ourselves that I would ask for her back. I went NC for a month and felt great. Met up with her briefly and decided to ask if things were different that we could try again. She wasn’t sure. She wanted change. And I agreed, I couldn’t go back to our old relationship, I wanted to try again with a fresh slate. But in that second month she got colder. And she went out a lot. We were talking a bit but she would really hardly give me anything to work with. So I got frustrated and decided to go out myself and treat myself. I had a one night stand. And some how she found out. She got upset and said that any chance we had is gone. But what the does what I did matter?? It’s none of her business, right?? She went out plenty too, who knows what she was doing, she certainly didn’t tell me. So why do I feel like the one who sh!% the bed??? Why did I have to suffer because I wanted to get back together with a girl that was perfectly fine in every way, but when I do what makes me feel good I ruin my f$&@ future with the one decent girl I was ever with?? It’s NOT my f$&@ fault, I didn’t ruin anything, it wasn’t her business to begin with, I could do whatever I wanted because she wasn’t with me, JUST like she was doing. And that’s EXACTLY what she was doing, I don’t need to know that for sure to know that—because it’s not like what she was doing was any of my business either. So what’s the big f$&@?!& deal?? It doesn’t matter if we want to get back together, when we’re separate we’re SEPERATE. Is she just a bullet I dodged? Do people who care about that stupid sh$& just confirm why I broke up with them in the first place?? If she cared what I did while we were separate wasn’t she no good to begin with?? F$&@ her anyways, she probably just led me by a string the whole time knowing I was the one who asked about getting back together first. There’s no way it could have worked if she didn’t trust that it was none of her business to begin with.

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You were pretty calm when you started your post and as I read thru it, you were obviously getting angrier by the second. Now you sound furious. IMO it's none of her or anyone else's business what you do when you are broken up. What she did is none of your business, as you have said. I think you need to move on from her. You've got too much anger and hostility in you and she seems to not want anything to do with you anymore. Take some time to get yourself together then look for a new girl.

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You were pretty calm when you started your post and as I read thru it, you were obviously getting angrier by the second. Now you sound furious.

Heh. Yeh funny how writing things out can bring clarity :)

 

As far as a relationship, my analogy of what I read is: It’s like you both bought this new car, then took to it with a sledgehammer, then ran over it with a steamroller, then wanted to keep driving it down the highway*

 

You will heal from this and hopefully do some self reflecting too. There’s usually always some lesson(s) to be learnt from a breakup*

 

Carus*

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No, it's definitely not her business who you sleep with while broken up.

 

My guess is she never really wanted to reconcile, and used your one-night stand as an out. It was an easy way to blame it all on you rather than admit she wasn't truly interested in getting back together, and possibly had already had a couple dalliances herself. I see a lot of deflection coming from her, or at the very least, emotional immaturity. This could also be her feeble attempt to gain some control, as dumpees often feel powerless during a break-up. She could be having a misguided and juvenile "Ha! Now he wants me back, so I'll show him and tell him to hit the bricks!"-moment. Also not very becoming.

 

Having said that, couples are almost never able to wipe the slate clean on a second attempt at a relationship. People don't forget the previous relationship, and the problems that drove a break-up. It's an unrealistic idea. Couples can sometimes work through them and reconcile, yes, but usually only when the issues are brought to the forefront, discussed and addressed in a constructive manner. I get the impression that both of you were still probably hanging on to past resentment and frustration with each other, which would have made a reconciliation difficult anyway.

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Yeah it's not her business. You were single so free to do what you want.

 

Shes probably angry for one of 2 reasons:-

 

1) She had no interest in getting back with you but fancied keeping you hanging on for attention.

 

2) She had some interest in getting back with you but was playing games and wanted to make you work for it.

 

End result either way is her egos bruised and she's lashing out but tough titty.

 

You can block and delete now and be glad she's gone.

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You've lost control over her and it's upsetting you. But the fact that you never had trust and kept patrolling her phone would lead to the outcome you have now. No contact would be the best approach for you to clear your head and decide if you really want to reenter this mess. Don't play games and let her "somehow find out" you had one night stands etc. Jealousy won't work the way you thought it would and it backfired. Step back and stay real no contact this time. Don't stalk, patrol, chase, etc.

Even to the point where we know all of each other’s passcodes to everything. One day however I’m scrolling through her phone

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Back the truck up.

 

This is the same girl who "goes drinking" in her guy friend's bedroom, no? The same guy friend who flirts with her and makes sexual innuendo that she didn't shut down? The girl you wrote about in your last thread?

 

You really need to forget this chick. She isn't relationship material anyway.

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Back the truck up.

 

This is the same girl who "goes drinking" in her guy friend's bedroom, no? The same guy friend who flirts with her and makes sexual innuendo that she didn't shut down? The girl you wrote about in your last thread?

 

You really need to forget this chick. She isn't relationship material anyway.

 

Not to mention, she's 20. I would expect a 20 year old to act like a 20 year old.

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Jesus, is this site seriously so dead that you guys can remember who I am? I really can’t just pretend each situation is unique on its own for me so I can get genuine advice, can I? Forget it. I’m actually uncomfortable with how many people are on my side here. Its like everyone is just so dead set on the idea that getting back together with an ex is bad. All it sounds like is the perspective of someone who was broken up with, and that’s not my position. What goes on may not be any of an exes business but I would never get back together with an ex without knowing at least a summary of what she’s been up to because how the hell am I supposed to know there’s any change happening?? So I can’t blame her for feeling the way she does if that was her prerequisite for being in another relationship. And I was the one who broke it off while I still loved her so what business do I have telling her what she can be emotional over when the grapevine tickles her ears? Maybe she’s right and my behavior outside of the relationship plays a large factor into who I am within a relationship, and I’m the one who consciously sabotaged it when we both still had hope.

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Jesus, is this site seriously so dead that you guys can remember who I am? I really can’t just pretend each situation is unique on its own for me so I can get genuine advice, can I? Forget it. I’m actually uncomfortable with how many people are on my side here. Its like everyone is just so dead set on the idea that getting back together with an ex is bad. All it sounds like is the perspective of someone who was broken up with, and that’s not my position. What goes on may not be any of an exes business but I would never get back together with an ex without knowing at least a summary of what she’s been up to because how the hell am I supposed to know there’s any change happening?? So I can’t blame her for feeling the way she does if that was her prerequisite for being in another relationship. And I was the one who broke it off while I still loved her so what business do I have telling her what she can be emotional over when the grapevine tickles her ears? Maybe she’s right and my behavior outside of the relationship plays a large factor into who I am within a relationship, and I’m the one who consciously sabotaged it when we both still had hope.

 

It's really easy to check someone's posting history. And it's really helpful to get context.

 

Now you're reversing yourself and saying it IS her "business".

 

Interesting.

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Whoa there, buddy.

 

One does not need to go back into your history to see—at least from your two offerings here—that you hate yourself something fierce. I get how random sex can take the edge off for a minute, and how the reward of a relationship can dampen deep self-loathing, but until you get a grip on it it's just going to rise up much the way it is right now.

 

I mean, maybe give that last post a read over. You essentially just lambasted a bunch of internet strangers for not telling you that you're trash that she shouldn't be with—that after first trashing her for having the audacity to think you were kind of trashy by having sex with someone.

 

A hall of mirrors is a very lonely place to be if you don't like what's reflecting back at you in those mirrors.

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But what the does what I did matter?? It’s none of her business, right??
It might not be any of her business but if you were trying to reconcile with her then what you did wasn't very smart.

 

This "thing" you had with her was pretty much done like dinner anyway so whether we think it was her business or not is neither here nor there.

 

Hopefully zero contact will get you over your anger and fear of no longer having her in your life. If your remorse is real, hopefully you've learned a lesson about integrity and true intent.

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You’re gonna have to excuse me fellas, I might have been intoxicated on that first post. Although I still feel a way. I don’t really know anymore. I just have a pit in my stomach from when I wake up to when I go to sleep because of this. I need to fix things. And when I can’t I feel pathetic. But the only way I’ve ever fixed anything involving relationships it always bites me in the ass and it’s unfair. Blaming her doesn’t make me feel good but I’m so tired of it being my fault.

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You’re gonna have to excuse me fellas, I might have been intoxicated on that first post. Although I still feel a way. I don’t really know anymore. I just have a pit in my stomach from when I wake up to when I go to sleep because of this. I need to fix things. And when I can’t I feel pathetic. But the only way I’ve ever fixed anything involving relationships it always bites me in the ass and it’s unfair. Blaming her doesn’t make me feel good but I’m so tired of it being my fault.

 

If you're tired of things being your fault then why aren't you learning from your mistakes? Again: If your intent was to reconcile with her then the stupidest thing you could have done was sleep with someone else. If you were not trying to get her back at the time of sleeping with someone else then she would be ridiculous to hold that against you and it would, for sure, be none of her business. The timing of your ONS is the issue.

 

Now is the time to forgive yourself, put this behind you now and LEARN from this. The Lesson: When you love someone you must have their best interests at heart and if they don't appreciate that you are doing that, then you leave them and you find someone who will appreciate and value you. Sleeping with someone else when you are in the throes of trying to reconcile is just a slap in the face to the person you are trying to get back with.

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It’s funny I’ve never heard it told like that before. In fact there was never an exception to these situations when I read other people’s dilemmas. As much as I cared about her she didn’t make it clear that she felt the same way until it was too late. I think I knew for sure that I wasn’t interested in suffering for someone who wasn’t sure if they could accept my apology. I just knew I still cared for her. Should I have assumed she felt the same way? Because the pit in my stomach says I should have but my head is still angry and feels like it’s not my fault.

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It’s funny I’ve never heard it told like that before. In fact there was never an exception to these situations when I read other people’s dilemmas. As much as I cared about her she didn’t make it clear that she felt the same way until it was too late. I think I knew for sure that I wasn’t interested in suffering for someone who wasn’t sure if they could accept my apology. I just knew I still cared for her. Should I have assumed she felt the same way? Because the pit in my stomach says I should have but my head is still angry and feels like it’s not my fault.

 

I've bolded the above to give you something to think about.

 

If your main connection point with someone—the thing you need to be secure—is the knowledge that they are at all times super obsessed with you, and you only, then you are likely in for a rough ride in romance. It means that when you don't feel "care" from someone at the highest register, you will react in destructive ways.

 

On the other hand, if you can find security in how you care for another person you are in for a much smoother ride. Because you react to something you know, for fact, rather than needing to extract something that can never quite be known and that is always slightly in flux.

 

I'll put this less abstractly. I get the feeling that, while you cared about her, you cared a bit more about knowing if she cared about you in the "same way." You needed her to provide that, ASAP. When she didn't, you sought that feeling elsewhere, or at least the jolt that feeling of "care" provides. So, no, you should not have "assumed" she felt anything, but should have taken refuge in your own feelings and honoring them.

 

Y'all have some dramatic history and a pretty significant age gap that probably made all that impossible. Still, worth thinking about since, at the end of the day, you've got to live with yourself every day.

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I just knew I still cared for her. Should I have assumed she felt the same way?
No, not if her actions were telling you that she didn't feel the same way, however if her actions weren't telling you that she cared the same way then you should have not assumed that going to bed with someone else would be okay. Instead, you should have told her that you have come to realize that she's not on the same page as you with regards to getting back together so you were bowing out, wished her a good life and then stopped the pursuit. After that conversation, then would have been a good time for you to have your ONS to help you salve the hurt.

 

Stop torturing yourself about it now. Forgive yourself by realizing that she is not the woman you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. There is someone you were meant to meet that will be your lifemate but you were not ready to meet her until you learned the lesson that this past relationship was meant to teach you.

 

... So forgive you and move on. Best to get to the stage of indifference to this so that when you meet that woman, you will be open enough in heart and mind to realize she's the one for you.

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