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Thread: Wasnít it none of her business??

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Jesus, is this site seriously so dead that you guys can remember who I am? I really canít just pretend each situation is unique on its own for me so I can get genuine advice, can I? Forget it. Iím actually uncomfortable with how many people are on my side here. Its like everyone is just so dead set on the idea that getting back together with an ex is bad. All it sounds like is the perspective of someone who was broken up with, and thatís not my position. What goes on may not be any of an exes business but I would never get back together with an ex without knowing at least a summary of what sheís been up to because how the hell am I supposed to know thereís any change happening?? So I canít blame her for feeling the way she does if that was her prerequisite for being in another relationship. And I was the one who broke it off while I still loved her so what business do I have telling her what she can be emotional over when the grapevine tickles her ears? Maybe sheís right and my behavior outside of the relationship plays a large factor into who I am within a relationship, and Iím the one who consciously sabotaged it when we both still had hope.
    It's really easy to check someone's posting history. And it's really helpful to get context.

    Now you're reversing yourself and saying it IS her "business".

    Interesting.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Whoa there, buddy.

    One does not need to go back into your history to seeóat least from your two offerings hereóthat you hate yourself something fierce. I get how random sex can take the edge off for a minute, and how the reward of a relationship can dampen deep self-loathing, but until you get a grip on it it's just going to rise up much the way it is right now.

    I mean, maybe give that last post a read over. You essentially just lambasted a bunch of internet strangers for not telling you that you're trash that she shouldn't be withóthat after first trashing her for having the audacity to think you were kind of trashy by having sex with someone.

    A hall of mirrors is a very lonely place to be if you don't like what's reflecting back at you in those mirrors.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    But what the does what I did matter?? Itís none of her business, right??
    It might not be any of her business but if you were trying to reconcile with her then what you did wasn't very smart.

    This "thing" you had with her was pretty much done like dinner anyway so whether we think it was her business or not is neither here nor there.

    Hopefully zero contact will get you over your anger and fear of no longer having her in your life. If your remorse is real, hopefully you've learned a lesson about integrity and true intent.

  4. #14
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    Youíre gonna have to excuse me fellas, I might have been intoxicated on that first post. Although I still feel a way. I donít really know anymore. I just have a pit in my stomach from when I wake up to when I go to sleep because of this. I need to fix things. And when I canít I feel pathetic. But the only way Iíve ever fixed anything involving relationships it always bites me in the ass and itís unfair. Blaming her doesnít make me feel good but Iím so tired of it being my fault.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Youíre gonna have to excuse me fellas, I might have been intoxicated on that first post. Although I still feel a way. I donít really know anymore. I just have a pit in my stomach from when I wake up to when I go to sleep because of this. I need to fix things. And when I canít I feel pathetic. But the only way Iíve ever fixed anything involving relationships it always bites me in the ass and itís unfair. Blaming her doesnít make me feel good but Iím so tired of it being my fault.
    If you're tired of things being your fault then why aren't you learning from your mistakes? Again: If your intent was to reconcile with her then the stupidest thing you could have done was sleep with someone else. If you were not trying to get her back at the time of sleeping with someone else then she would be ridiculous to hold that against you and it would, for sure, be none of her business. The timing of your ONS is the issue.

    Now is the time to forgive yourself, put this behind you now and LEARN from this. The Lesson: When you love someone you must have their best interests at heart and if they don't appreciate that you are doing that, then you leave them and you find someone who will appreciate and value you. Sleeping with someone else when you are in the throes of trying to reconcile is just a slap in the face to the person you are trying to get back with.

  7. #16
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    Itís funny Iíve never heard it told like that before. In fact there was never an exception to these situations when I read other peopleís dilemmas. As much as I cared about her she didnít make it clear that she felt the same way until it was too late. I think I knew for sure that I wasnít interested in suffering for someone who wasnít sure if they could accept my apology. I just knew I still cared for her. Should I have assumed she felt the same way? Because the pit in my stomach says I should have but my head is still angry and feels like itís not my fault.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Itís funny Iíve never heard it told like that before. In fact there was never an exception to these situations when I read other peopleís dilemmas. As much as I cared about her she didnít make it clear that she felt the same way until it was too late. I think I knew for sure that I wasnít interested in suffering for someone who wasnít sure if they could accept my apology. I just knew I still cared for her. Should I have assumed she felt the same way? Because the pit in my stomach says I should have but my head is still angry and feels like itís not my fault.
    I've bolded the above to give you something to think about.

    If your main connection point with someoneóthe thing you need to be secureóis the knowledge that they are at all times super obsessed with you, and you only, then you are likely in for a rough ride in romance. It means that when you don't feel "care" from someone at the highest register, you will react in destructive ways.

    On the other hand, if you can find security in how you care for another person you are in for a much smoother ride. Because you react to something you know, for fact, rather than needing to extract something that can never quite be known and that is always slightly in flux.

    I'll put this less abstractly. I get the feeling that, while you cared about her, you cared a bit more about knowing if she cared about you in the "same way." You needed her to provide that, ASAP. When she didn't, you sought that feeling elsewhere, or at least the jolt that feeling of "care" provides. So, no, you should not have "assumed" she felt anything, but should have taken refuge in your own feelings and honoring them.

    Y'all have some dramatic history and a pretty significant age gap that probably made all that impossible. Still, worth thinking about since, at the end of the day, you've got to live with yourself every day.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I just knew I still cared for her. Should I have assumed she felt the same way?
    No, not if her actions were telling you that she didn't feel the same way, however if her actions weren't telling you that she cared the same way then you should have not assumed that going to bed with someone else would be okay. Instead, you should have told her that you have come to realize that she's not on the same page as you with regards to getting back together so you were bowing out, wished her a good life and then stopped the pursuit. After that conversation, then would have been a good time for you to have your ONS to help you salve the hurt.

    Stop torturing yourself about it now. Forgive yourself by realizing that she is not the woman you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. There is someone you were meant to meet that will be your lifemate but you were not ready to meet her until you learned the lesson that this past relationship was meant to teach you.

    ... So forgive you and move on. Best to get to the stage of indifference to this so that when you meet that woman, you will be open enough in heart and mind to realize she's the one for you.

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