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Thread: Im I confused or just stupid

  1. #1
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    Im I confused or just stupid

    Hello everyone

    A quick introduction, ive known this board about 15 y ago. Talking with people here really helped me going over a breakup and also receiving advice on dating later on.
    Fast-forward to now. Married since 12y, 2 kids, soon to be 3 propertie (1 home + w rentals). Im now in a very confused moments. Im not sure whats my expectation from posting this, maybe helping me clarify my thoughts, having a second opinion could be helpful, or simply just venting out my frustrations.
    Like all couples we have ups and downs. I would say throughout out our relationship we had 8 or 10 big fights where she reached a point where she said she can no longer deal with me and want a divorce. In all instances though, after a day or 2 everything was back to normal, sort of. We also had marriage counseling for about 6 month, 3 years ago. I liked it, it really opened my eyes on some of our issues and offered interesting options on how to fix those. My wife thought it was a waste of money, stupid and unhelpful. I also liked it cause i could talk with no fear of her getting angry at me for something i say.

    About me, i know I have an attention problem, and I easily forget stuff. Although i use a calendar to remember important dates, at work I take a ton of notes. In my day to day life its not perfect and i forget snippet of conversations. I had the same problem at school, after a few min, my mind would wonder away and will stop listening to the teacher. That being said it happens with her during our conversations, way more often these par few years. Obliviously, the more the conversation is uninteresting to me, the bigger or quicker this effect kicks in.
    On her side she as a very angry temper, has some serious anger issue management, mostly with me (and her parents). This create quite a clash with my attention problem. There are things that I'm not very interested to know or talk about, or stuff that I'm tired of hearing about. She has a very big interest, about money and property investment. Its basically her hobby, she talks about it when she wakes up, before going to bed, on her way to work... I know she wants to improve our family situation and set us up for retirement but there's this huge comparing factor where she always tell about how her friends bought this or invested in that and she gets frustrated when she cannot achieve want they did. This investment part of our lives is very stress-full and i hate it. I have hard time following her conversations (technical, taxes, laws...) and when ever i ask about something i didnít understand she gets mad at me., like really mad. Telling me how stupid I am. She works in accounting, shes knows about this stuff way more than me. The other aspect about her investment approach that Im not liking is who do you think has to deal with the tenants and repairs and problems, me obliviously. Its a lot of pressure and stress but whenever i complain or want to show my dissatisfaction, im being told that i dont want to improve our situation, that we have to work hard to get a better life and that I'm just lazy... A side note, when she gets angry she sometimes reaches a point where she want to break stuff, she did throw her cellphone at me once, broke a book of mine, scratched a laptop screen, a plastic step stand. I'm actually very scared of her reaction sometimes. Its on extremely rare occasions but still.

    My financial, I win 75k a year (not enough in her opinion), she is at 60k. We have no debt except our mortgages, i have been very interested in the stock market these last 5 y. I started with 20k and im now managing our porfolio of 100k. I really like it , it dosent take me more that 30 min a day and dont have to stress (well not too often) about it. But this is not worthy in her eyes cause her friends are doing way more with their properties.
    About her anger management, there is something that the psychiatrist told us in one meeting where he said that we are responsible for our actions and reactions toward others. When we get angry because someone else did or said something its up to us to control and create a response. I liked his analogy of the wife beater who answer that he's beating his wife cause shes making him angry. She often get angry at me and whenever i ask her to calm down (using a lower soothing voice has better effect than welling louder, another trick) she shout back that shes getting mad cause of me. Im so feed up of this aspect of our communication, its so frustrating. I simply shut down in those cases and just listen to her complaining, and hope that she calm down.

    We had another of those big fight last week. She, like other times, brought up the subject of divorce at some point and even said we should be looking for a partner who share the same interest at improving their situation and a divorce would be for the best for both of us. But something was different in me this time. Other times when divorce was brought up I was panicking thinking about the kids, the process, money, families. I also thought that if it ever happens that i will never get into another relationship simply because i donít want to deal with this sorts of communication problems anymore. But not that last time. What was different this time? I know that just based on other posts Ive read that this is a recurrent pattern and that people will just roll their eyes when I say it... But so be it.

    Iíve started to notice a women at work. I donít know her, never talked with her but find myself very attracted to her like Iíve never felt since I've meet my wife. These days, Iím often wondering if sheís single, what kind of person is she, does she have kids, and so on. Iíve not initiated any contact with her cause thereís a part in me that tells me it would be wrong if me to do it. As long as Iím in my current relationship I wonít be making any moves. But sheís had been in my mind these past few days, imagining life would be better if i was with her instead. This is all a crazy fantasy but when ever I think about it it makes me feel good and give me hope, this is hard to stop. I definitely do not want to cheat on my wife but at the same time I feel like im stuck in a relation that I don't see improving over time.

    Thereís been good sides in this relationship, her family is nice to me, we both share the same view on how to raise our kids and both are good at money and savings.
    But since the last 3 weeks, itís like I donít care much about the out come of this relationship. Since the beginning, Iíve always been the one who was totally against divorce and had to adapt to her personality to make this marriage work out... I feel. But now thereís this mindset of acceptance of the possibility of me wanting to be with someone else, being with someone who I could communicate with and have fun conversations. This is starting to feel way more appealing than my current relationship. This whole situation is not pleasant and awkward, i feel this lump in my stomach constantly, i actually lost 4 pounds within the last 3 weeks...

    Anyway thanks for reading through all of this wall of text. I appreciated any feedback or options.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Talk to a divorce lawyer.... If someone has been waving divorce over your head for the past 15 years, it's best to start asking a professional what are your options.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you both need to go back to the marriage counselor and if she wont go, then you find yourself a therapist to talk to. You've got a lot on your plate and an angry, hostile wife makes it all so very difficult to deal with. It sounds like you are doing your part to build a nest egg for your future and retirement, so it seems odd she doesnt appreciate your effort. You both need help and I hope you get it. Your kids need to be considered too. Dont get involved with the woman from work or any other woman. Sort out your home life first.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Deal with your failing marriage and your wife. If the relationship /marriage has to end, do it and don't cause more damage by having an affair or getting involved with anyone else. Having an affair isn't going to solve the problems that your wife and you have or the fact that you're both going around in circles in a very unhealthy way. You made her out to be a bully but you've emotionally checked out. That's not fair to her (or your kids) either. If you checked out three weeks ago, the last fight happened last week. Most people can sense when their partner doesn't care anymore.

    Both of you are hurting each other. Stop blaming her for all of it. Getting upset and angry will just make you more reactionary. That means you will be basing your decisions on impulse and emotion only. There are a lot of mean and spiteful and hostile people out there with totally no moral conscience. Accept that and rise above it. Don't sink and drown under all that and start making decisions you'll regret. Be a bit more practical and deal with what you've got in front of you. If this is the end of the road for you, so be it.

    Be strong no matter what your decision and don't create more drama for yourself. Speak to a lawyer if you are serious about separating and divorce. Don't do what she's done (waving the threat of divorce without going through with it). Be honest with yourself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Getting good advice but I just wanted to say: Wow! If youíve turned 20K into 100K trading the stock market then big kudos to you. That puts you in the 5% of people who actually make money trading that damn thing!*

    Carus*

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds more like a business than a romance. Perhaps the woman you are eyeing at work represents a return to dating, love, romance, etc. Something sorely absent from your marriage. It sounds like you both have turned into task-masters and forgotten to be lovers.

    Save the finance talk for the accountant's and bankers and financial adviser's office. It seems there has become an obsession with this. You may have all the right spreadsheets rows and columns, etc, but you don't have a man-woman relationship, love or romance...no less a happy marriage.

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    Thank you very much for the all advices. The last argument was a week ago. Since then, we are somewhat back into a normal/good routine. Iím not confortable at the moment to bring up the subject of divorce.There still some intimacy, less I would say cause Iím less interested, but itís not like things are at worst at the moment. Even though I know our problems are still shadowing us... I feel it would be unfair to suddenly say hey maybe we should divorce now! I feel like I have to wait for our next fight. Thatís stupid rights?

    As for the stock market, I will say thank you amazon... :)

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I don't think you want a divorce at all but this woman at work has you thinking the grass is greener. If you wanted a divorce, you would, at the very least see a divorce attorney to find out what you would have to split, you would be looking for places to live and you would be talking to a realtor about how much you could get for your primary residence and your rental properties. Instead, you just fantasize about what it would be like to be with a woman that doesn't even know you exist never mind would be interested in getting with you.

    Get yourself to therapy and figure out why you are actually quite addicted to the treatment your wife lays on you. Once you figure out your own codependency issues, you may be able to fix things with your wife because you've formed some boundaries that you won't let your wife cross, boundaries that will keep you emotional safe from her negativity or, failing that, you will have the strength to see that lawyer and other professionals and get yourself out of the quagmire you've allowed for yourself.

    Good luck... find a therapist you mesh well with and don't be afraid to leave one if you aren't getting good insight that helps YOU on your journey to being the best you that you can be.

  10. #9
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    Failing marriages happen for real, definable reasons.
    It's our emotions that that make us think it's something other than that, and emotional responses can somehow fix it.

    The two most common reasons are incompatibility and neglect.

    Incompatibility can be a tough one because you never had the capacity or desire to marry her in the first place.
    Neglect or bad habits are more fixable, that is if you don't let it go to long.

  11. #10
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    Itís true that I have not yet talked to a divorce attorney. Although before posting the original message Iíve looked at the divorce process in my country/province.

    We have decided during the weekend to sell our main house. The location has been a long time source of our disputes. (I was the one who suggested this area cause we had friends living nearby, turned out that itís not a place where housing prices increase much, so she has been often resentful of that decision. Blaming me obliviously.) I have always keep my ground on not selling but now I just donít care really.

    Things are quite tense thought and I feel that each time we start discussing the sell and a new potential area, she starts getting mad at me for pointing out flaws in her plan, sheís basically aiming for something we cannot afford. I feel she gets mad cause she knows itís true. (Of maybe I just donít have guts like she say).

    I feel like I secretly wish things escalate. At least we have the house selling process that we agreed on.

    I fear that she will be super piss if I mention the divorce and will definitely not be easy to deal with. Iím sad for my kids, sad for everything we have build, sad for my parents and hers...

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