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Thread: Im I confused or just stupid

  1. #21
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    When it's a marriage I'm always for doing everything you can to save it.

    HOWEVER...I am the product of "staying together for the kids". My siblings and I are so damaged from the war zone we grew up in. Some physical fights but mostly the division in our own home. Dad's side, Mom's side of the house, living in the same house but not interacting. All of us also have been divorced. We didn't get to see a healthy, loving relationship so we chose our spouses poorly or for the wrong reasons.

    And before you say the kids "don't know", children are not oblivious. They see everything, whether you think they do or not.

    So if you do think the marriage is save-able, then of course, do whatever you can. But if not, please don't subject your kids to what I grew up with.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    There are a few questions I have for you.

    As far as your wife is concerned when is enough enough? Where is the imaginary bar she has set for you?

    Do you love her?

    Does she love you?

    Are you In Love with her?

    I got divorced not because I wanted to, but because I HAD to. You are never going to make enough money, be successful enough, make all the right choices or please her even 60% of the time. Is she your boss or your wife?

    You may not want to divorce but for real lasting change to save a marriage BOTH people involved have to want to change, compromise, listen and empathize with the other. Do you honestly see your wife doing any of those things?

    Divorce sucks giant monkey butt there is no doubt but staying in what you are calling a marriage is much worse. Look at the lessons you are teaching your children. Like it or not they are sponges absorbing this dysfunctional situation and forming their ideas on what a relationship is supposed to be like.

    To answer your question I would say you are confused, afraid of what lies ahead for you and unwilling to see your wife as she really is. You are not stupid, love makes us all hang on to long or agree to things we would never imagine including me.

    Plan for the worst and hope for the best as you move forward. There is no harm in getting some information on divorce and even legal advice. Sometimes that is enough to scare people enough to make a huge effort to repair the marriage and make it better than before.

    Your very soul is at stake here make no mistake on that. Just enduring and surviving is not a marriage, it is not love and it is no way to live...

    Lost

  3. #23
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    Thanks a lot Lost

    What you have said hurt but is true. I know I donít love her and I believe she had stop loving me for a long time ago.

    We are back to normal these days, routine conversation no yelling (almost) but not much love either. The house selling preparation is keeping us busy. Although even though we had the divorce conversation the last time I feel that she doesnít believe that it could actually be a possibility. Her mind is also very occupied with another house investment we recently done. We moved way too fast with that one, and I was stupid enough to agree to it, in fear of retaliation i believe now. Anyway itís not bothering me at all ( divorce is) and sheís making an effort to not talk about it too much but I can feel sheís miserable and under pressure.

    Because of that I retain any conversation about us or our future together. I donít want her to get into a depression.

    On my side the more I think about all this the more I just want to get out. She initiated sex Recently but like pretty much every time I feel that she is not enjoying it, and neither Iím I.


    Iíll just wait until that stupid transaction is done and go from there.

    Thanks again for your support!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    There is a lot you can be doing in the mean time so get to work!

    With all your assets and real estate you need some good legal advice sooner rather than later. You may just want out but six months to a year after it is all over many people look back with regret that they gave everything away just to escape. Plan on being fair but look out for yourself and your children first. Your wife will be just fine.

    Personally you need to start preparing yourself mentally and emotionally to be a single father. I don't know what shape you are in but I would bet you could stand to get in better physical shape too.
    Make more of an effort with the kids. Do more things together just the 2 or 3 of you. Simple things like going to the park, picking them up from school, meeting their teachers, knowing all their appointments and taking them. Being a single dad is pretty awesome once you get the hang of it. Remember to always try your best no matter what you do with them, they will appreciate you.

    You could also start jotting down some rough financial numbers and keep it in a safe place. If you and your wife own several houses then living arrangements should be pretty simple if they are not currently occupied.

    I am not saying rush to divorce but if you do a little at a time it is way less scary.

    I hung in there way too long with a cheating wife so my situation was way different but only you know your wife well enough to know if there is a glimmer of hope to save this. When the time comes to have the divorce talk again think about offering two options.
    1. Extensive therapy AND marriage counseling or
    2. Start working on the divorce process

    Even if the therapy and counseling doesn't work it may help you both make your way through the divorce and even one day be friendly towards each other.

    Keep posting, it helps

    Lost

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  6. #25
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    We had the discussion and it was really painful.
    She felt that I was cold with her these past few days and indeed I was troubled with all the implications of divorce going through my mind. While we was still worrying about our latest investment. Constantly thinking and taking about it. That made me sad that her investment problem were more important than what we are going through.

    Not sure about the status of things now but I think divorce is the best for both but now she believes that we should not and that things will get better after this rough pass. She was putting the blame on me for no longer wanting to try.ive been feeling like the one who did try the most throughout our entire relationship while sheís been the bringing up divorce and complaining about how bad I am.

    Lost, your last post made me smile. Iím in very good shape I train an hour every morning (while she refuses to do any sports or activities...too tired) and the I get up the kids and give them breakfast while missy get her make up ready, we then go our separate way to daycare and school and then work.

    In the evening I pick up the kids while she prepared dinner. Iím the one who take care of the homework and communicate with teacher. I bring the kids to their weekend activity. Compare to many of my friends and family men, I know that I do more than the average guy.

    I know we had a good thing going but these last month with all the complaints, yelling, pressure and bad sex, Iíve just became feed up.

    But now I feel like the bad guy because Iím the one whoís shattering the family, she doesnít want to take any of the blame. She says that she still love me and things will get better. But I fear Iím lying to myself thinking that it could get back to how things were. The thought of the greener grass is also still very present..,

  7. #26
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Jian,

    If your greener pastures are peace of mind and not having someone put you down all the time then it is okay to think about how much better your life could be once the marriage is over. BUT if your greener pastures are someone better than your wife you need to stop right now!

    All of this needs to be done with the mindset of one thing at a time.

    1. Can the marriage be saved? Time and effort on both your parts will answer that.

    2. Do you want to save it? It sounds like you are done and once someone is done it is extremely hard to get them to go all in on #1

    3. A frank discussion on what each person is willing to do to save the marriage. Being brutally honest at times like these is hard but necessary. If she keeps blaming you or the investment situation she is clearly not going to be realistic about the core issues.

    From your words it looks like she has taken zero responsibility for the condition or the marriage. This in itself is a very bad sign but also from what you wrote it sounds like who she is. It is always someone else's fault. If she says things will get better then ask her how? Tell her to be specific.

    On your part it looks like you are really involved with your children and the daily household activities but you can always step that up. Remember if the marriage ends you will be doing everything all on your own with a lot less money.


    In the end it doesn't matter who the bad guy is, what matters is that the situation is being addressed in a healthy way with open dialogue.

    Keep posting
    Lost

  8. #27
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    Thank you Lost

    What youíve said is so true.

    Weíve had a few discussion these past few days. And she has started realizing what was really going on.

    I believe that on my side having made peace with the fact that divorce was a high possibility for me to fix my unhappiness was an important change of mindset. I think it gave me back the power that some of you have referenced to. Iím no longer accepting her behaviour. Although Iíve never been aggressive or angry about it, Iíve accepted that condition with a peace of mind that things can work out even in the case of a divorce.

    That being said this changed her drastically these past few days. Note that Iíve never used divorce as a threat but as my solution. On her side she started to open up and discussed why I was unhappy with her. She has started to accept that her behaviour is part the reason and take a part of the blame. She now realize that she does not want divorce and want to fix things. She has agreed to see a therapist about her anger problem, she already has an appointment next week.

    That made me feel really good that she finally realized what she has become. And that gave me hope. Iíve told her that I will also give it another shot in the hope that she changes.

    Iíve also stop talking to the other women at work. I dint feel comfortable doing so in my current situation.

    Thank you for your support Iíll keep you posted.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    These are all good signs.

    You will hear it said that people do not change. That is totally false, people do change everyday, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse but they do change.

    I myself am not the man I was before I caught my wife of 20 years cheating. That changed me forever. It was my responsibility to decide how it would change me though. This is now your wife's responsibility to decide how she wants to change. You cannot give her a to do list so you will not divorce her, she needs to find her own way and recognize her own faults and change because she wants to be a better wife, mom, sister or just a better person. You can help and be supportive just don't start setting some imaginary bar she needs to reach in your mind. You know her pretty well so you should know fairly soon if she is being sincere.

    Marriage counseling is a must as well so find one you both like and make an appointment. You would be surprised how many long time married people miss the simple things that could make their marriage stronger and happier.

    I am happy you stopped talking to the other woman. No good can come out of that type of behavior no matter how bad your marriage is.

    Lost

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