My ex wife left me for another guy after 11 years

It’s been a year since we separated and 4 months since the divorce was finalized. I think about her every day and I’m not over her. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of friends and family saying “just get over it”

We have 3 young children together and had a well built life. She threw it away. Our relationship wasn’t perfect. I don’t think she is ever going to come back. But it’s so hard for me to let go’

Have you thought about joining a Parents Without Partners group or seeing a therapist to help you to come to terms with it all, Mike?

I came to terms she is gone and we aren’t going to get back. She is living with the guy she had the affair with.

Are you more upset that your friends/family are being rude and impatient with you? Volunteer your emotions less (no emotional dumping on your friends and family). I agree about seeing a therapist and exploring your thoughts/emotions with someone in a safe place where you are not put down or brushed aside. Make sure you see your kids and play an active role in their life, be present for them. It's hard but focus on being a good dad and working on yourself.

And whatever you do, do NOT trash talk your ex's boyfriend or your ex to your kids.

I agree you could use some therapy as you are not over her yet.

Her bf is the guy she had the affair with and I never bad mouth anyone. I’m active in their lives. Everyday I hope this is just a phase

It's just a phase and phasses can be the hardest to go through but also is temporary. What I want for you to do is to take each day embracing that life is a building block to learn on. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to remain mentally resilient through the process. It's awesome too that you are well involved in the kids life. Let me ask do you play any sporting activities or exercise?

I don’t think it’s her you miss but the life and security you had. Seeing it taken away and having their life rubbed in your face every time you pick up the kids is making it hard to move forward. I feel you came here to find others to understand what you are going through. That you need some support because you are not getting any from those who are suppose to love you. You are getting rejected twice over and that can make things very lonely. It’s very difficult for men to ask for help and show vulnerability so seeking therapy is something you don’t feel comfortable with. So you made the choice to come here and talk things out anonymously. I don’t know about anyone else but I’m willing to listen. Let’s have conversation.

I think about her every day and I’m not over her. I don’t know what to do.

Unfortunately, healing isn't something that happens 'to' us, it requires our participation.

What are you doing to try to heal? How much are you thinking about her, and are you choosing to drill into that and ruminate? Do you place limits on that and set your focus on goals for your own future?

While I've never heard of anyone healthy who owns an ability to 'just get over it,' there's a large amount of choice in where we want to target our focus. If you hold beliefs that staying stuck in grief will somehow encourage your ex to come back, consider that the opposite is true. People move toward pleasure and away from pain. If you remain in a place of pain, your ex will never want to deal with feeling guilty about that, much less sign on for the job of trying to heal you.

So I'd consider whether I want to stagnate around my grief, or whether I want to make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and my ability to bounce back from this and build a wonderful future for myself. Then I'd take action toward supporting that choice, and I'd do whatever it takes. Including therapy.

That's a decision.

Ok family and friends can only offer so much advice and sympathy. However after something like the dissolution of a marriage, talking to a therapist to really unpack and sort all this out is a better solution. Sometimes friends and family say this because they are tired of listening and at a loss for words.

You also need to reestablish your life as a single man. That means joining some clubs, groups, sports and volunteering to get out of the house, meet new people and reenter your life as a single guy. It's also time to consider dating again. Get in shape, update your look, get new clothes, haircut, etc. Get a good profile and pics up on some quality dating apps. Start messaging and meeting women for a low key coffee. Keep it light, but get started.

It’s been a year since we separated and 4 months since the divorce was finalized. I’m tired of friends and family saying “just get over it”

You are 100% right!!!