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Thread: My ex wife left me for another guy after 11 years

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MikeJJ84
    I think about her every day and Iím not over her. I donít know what to do.
    Unfortunately, healing isn't something that happens 'to' us, it requires our participation.

    What are you doing to try to heal? How much are you thinking about her, and are you choosing to drill into that and ruminate? Do you place limits on that and set your focus on goals for your own future?

    While I've never heard of anyone healthy who owns an ability to 'just get over it,' there's a large amount of choice in where we want to target our focus. If you hold beliefs that staying stuck in grief will somehow encourage your ex to come back, consider that the opposite is true. People move toward pleasure and away from pain. If you remain in a place of pain, your ex will never want to deal with feeling guilty about that, much less sign on for the job of trying to heal you.

    So I'd consider whether I want to stagnate around my grief, or whether I want to make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and my ability to bounce back from this and build a wonderful future for myself. Then I'd take action toward supporting that choice, and I'd do whatever it takes. Including therapy.

    That's a decision.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok family and friends can only offer so much advice and sympathy. However after something like the dissolution of a marriage, talking to a therapist to really unpack and sort all this out is a better solution. Sometimes friends and family say this because they are tired of listening and at a loss for words.

    You also need to reestablish your life as a single man. That means joining some clubs, groups, sports and volunteering to get out of the house, meet new people and reenter your life as a single guy. It's also time to consider dating again. Get in shape, update your look, get new clothes, haircut, etc. Get a good profile and pics up on some quality dating apps. Start messaging and meeting women for a low key coffee. Keep it light, but get started.
    Originally Posted by MikeJJ84
    Itís been a year since we separated and 4 months since the divorce was finalized. Iím tired of friends and family saying ďjust get over itĒ

  3. #13
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    You are 100% right!!!

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