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I need my distance


kim42

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So I have this friend, I’ve known her for a little over a year and we’ve been pretty close. Lately I’ve realized we don’t have that much in common, and I’m a little tired of her self-righteous attitude. She bashes people on Facebook, and I also found out she was sending mean messages to another friend (because they have different opinion on politics), which really surprised me.

 

I feel like she doesn’t really know me, although we were close, but it’s like she’s created this image of me in her head, probably based on first impressions, which just doesn’t fit my personality all the time. And every time I don't fit in her vision of ‘me’, she sort of judges me. She would also sort of judge the guys I was dating, or if I’d be seeing someone casually.

 

She’s staying in my city for a few days, she reached out, and I honestly don’t have the energy to see her. I told her I can’t meet her this time, she never replied. I’m not sure if I want to stop talking to her/end this friendship, but I need my distance right now. I think we’re not very compatible after all.

 

Now the reason why I’m posting here is because I feel kind of guilty. I feel as if I did something bad by distancing myself from her. I always try to be a good friend but now I feel I can’t be myself around her. I used to be people-pleaser, and I’ve been working hard on myself to be more assertive and set boundaries, which I now can do at work, but I still struggle a little in my social life.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I hope this makes sense.

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You recognize her as an energy vampire in your life. Your self protective instincts are telling you to stay away. There is no need to feel guilty. You are doing what's best for you. You aren't being mean to her. You aren't demanding she change. You are just backing away. That is absolutely allowed & probably one of the healthiest things you can do.

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It's ok. She sounds a bit thick and overbearing. I usually let people talk and get it off their chest if they want to talk. There's no point in being argumentative or rude. If she asks for your opinion, say what you mean and don't be afraid of offending her. Friendships should be a two-way street. Spend more time with people who are a bit more with it.

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Toxic people intentionally try to make you feel guilt when you call them out, or ghost them. That's what toxic people thrive on.

 

Don't feel at all guilty, I've distanced myself from many such people who I thought were my friends. They eventually get the hint. Just don't fall into her trap of guilt!

 

Hang in there - play the "What's my favorite animal" game and forget about her!!! :friendly_wink:

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Thanks guys, this is all great advice. I know it's something I have to do, I wish I felt less guilty. I didn't have many friends when growing up so sometimes it feels as if I should be grateful for having friends now as an adult. Like as if I didn't have the right to walk away but I know it's not true.

This girl judged me for watching 50 shades of grey and other silly things, and I prefer people who don't judge this much.

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That game is the best one 😁

Toxic people intentionally try to make you feel guilt when you call them out, or ghost them. That's what toxic people thrive on.

 

Don't feel at all guilty, I've distanced myself from many such people who I thought were my friends. They eventually get the hint. Just don't fall into her trap of guilt!

 

Hang in there - play the "What's my favorite animal" game and forget about her!!! :friendly_wink:

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Thanks guys, this is all great advice. I know it's something I have to do, I wish I felt less guilty. I didn't have many friends when growing up so sometimes it feels as if I should be grateful for having friends now as an adult. Like as if I didn't have the right to walk away but I know it's not true.

This girl judged me for watching 50 shades of grey and other silly things, and I prefer people who don't judge this much.

 

What did she say that you found judgmental?

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She said she couldn't believe I watched such a stupid movie. Basically she said she had a different opinion about me. Like for me it's not a big deal, it's just a movie. She would also comment on the guys I was dating, like if dating was a bad thing.

What did she say that you found judgmental?
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Too negative to be friends with . Fade out of this slowly but surely. Just keep being "very busy".

She said she couldn't believe I watched such a stupid movie. Basically she said she had a different opinion about me. Like for me it's not a big deal, it's just a movie. She would also comment on the guys I was dating, like if dating was a bad thing.
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She said she couldn't believe I watched such a stupid movie. Basically she said she had a different opinion about me. Like for me it's not a big deal, it's just a movie. She would also comment on the guys I was dating, like if dating was a bad thing.

 

Friends always have an opinion though. I think being thicker-skinned won't hurt you. Her tone is a bit rude - I agree with you. There are ways to joke about things, for goodness sake. She sounds very insecure about herself.

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That's totally fine, I don't want my friends to say what I want to hear. This was just one example but there were more things. Like some time ago I was seeing this man who was divorced and she told me I shouldn't be dating him. Or once we had dinner and I asked for a doggy bag, and she thought it was ridiculous and made fun of me. I don't mind jokes on my expense but things just kept piling up with her and I'm sort of over it. I also don't like how she puts people down on facebook.

I do agree with you I might need to be thicker-skinned.

Friends always have an opinion though. I think being thicker-skinned won't hurt you. Her tone is a bit rude, I agree with you. There are ways to joke about things, for goodness sake. I might have bit back and said, "Yes, but it's extra stupid if you comment on it without watching the show."
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That's totally fine, I don't want my friends to say what I want to hear. This was just one example but there were more things. Like some time ago I was seeing this man who was divorced and she told me I shouldn't be dating him. Or once we had dinner and I asked for a doggy bag, and she thought it was ridiculous and made fun of me. I don't mind jokes on my expense but things just kept piling up with her and I'm sort of over it. I also don't like how she puts people down on facebook.

I do agree with you I might need to be thicker-skinned.

 

So rude... I can see where your patience is wearing thin. Don't put up with it anymore... definitely keep your distance.

I edited my earlier post, by the way. Probably not a good idea to egg anything on especially if someone like her is showing herself to be so insecure. Really, if someone is confident in him/herself that person wouldn't feel the need to say those things. She may not even realize she's being condescending or mocking you. If you do have to cross paths again, I'd limit the info you share with her in general. I don't know how close you are as friends but you shouldn't have to "teach" someone how to be a better friend. If it is a closer friendship or someone who matters to you, I'd be more upfront and speak about how things make you feel.

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So rude... I can see where your patience is wearing thin. Don't put up with it anymore... definitely keep your distance.

I edited my earlier post, by the way. Probably not a good idea to egg anything on especially if someone like her is showing herself to be so insecure. Really, if someone is confident in him/herself that person wouldn't feel the need to say those things. She may not even realize she's being condescending or mocking you. If you do have to cross paths again, I'd limit the info you share with her in general. I don't know how close you are as friends but you shouldn't have to "teach" someone how to be a better friend. If it is a closer friendship or someone who matters to you, I'd be more upfront and speak about how things make you feel.

 

I agree with this entirely. I'm sorry you were treated this way Kim42.

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There is a way to end your friendship diplomatically. As long as she ignores her, continue ignoring her and let the friendship fade. The next time she reaches out to you, tell her via text, phone chat or in person that with all due respect, you decided to end the friendship. Explain you're both different and it's time to go your separate ways.

 

It's not enough to simply distance yourself. If you don't get along, you don't get along and neither does she. It happens to everyone. Yes, I've been in this similar situation. You will continue to have various people waft in and out of your lifetime. Some people are keepers whereas others must be dropped in order to continue your road to happiness and tranquility.

 

With practice, boundaries and ending hopeless friendships will become easier because you'll develop high self esteem, self respect and self confidence.

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We are close friends I guess, I mean she can be fun and I liked spending time with her but now I realize I need a break from her. We have some friends in common and one of them ended their friendship with this girl, she sent her a text message explaining why, and my friend made a big deal out of it. It was all over her Facebook, she blocked this girl everywhere, so I hope I can avoid such drama. It sounds so high school lol.

You are probably right she's insecure about herself, it never crossed my mind but it makes sense now. Like one of my goals is to move to this city which happens to be her hometown, and when I told her about it, she said I couldn't afford living there, that it's too expensive for me, but she doesn't know anything my financial situation. I'm obviously not a millionaire but like she showed zero support.

I'll take my time now, she wants to travel a bit for now, so I might not see her in a while. Thanks for reading this :)

 

So rude... I can see where your patience is wearing thin. Don't put up with it anymore... definitely keep your distance.

I edited my earlier post, by the way. Probably not a good idea to egg anything on especially if someone like her is showing herself to be so insecure. Really, if someone is confident in him/herself that person wouldn't feel the need to say those things. She may not even realize she's being condescending or mocking you. If you do have to cross paths again, I'd limit the info you share with her in general. I don't know how close you are as friends but you shouldn't have to "teach" someone how to be a better friend. If it is a closer friendship or someone who matters to you, I'd be more upfront and speak about how things make you feel.

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It's not a black and white thing this friendship stuff -so many gray areas and I also, like you, question myself in both senses (was I being too sensitive/was that person being rude, etc) - I think you're being thoughtful about it. I wanted to share that this discussion made me feel a little sensitive in this way -I have a newish friend and we text fairly regularly, see each other in person less than once a month (distance and scheduling etc and I met her husband first a few years ago -she has a chronic illness too which makes scheduling tough!) . She's told me a number of times how her mother and mother in law hate each other and her mother is now visiting. I've met her mother in law a few times and really like her. So she texted me that her mother in law usually comes with them to a pumpkin patch twice a year and mentioned that they were going today with her mother who is visiting. So I asked if her MIL was coming too and the answer was nope, they hate each other.

 

So I texted "I'm sorry but I can't help having this image of two grandmothers feuding in a pumpkin patch" (with a wink emoji). And I sent it and worried -uh oh what if she doesn't like my joke, maybe it's too sensitive for her..... (of course) she texted back ha ha and loved it Honestly I wish I'd not worried at all - because if we're going to continue our friendship then that is the kind of joke that if she doesn't get at least should know I meant it as a joke and not to offend -and if that would offend her then I wouldn't be sure we had a sense of humor in common

 

This thread reminded me though of how word choice/boundaries - kind of tough sometimes. I hope you have NO drama in ending this. I'd just do the fade thing since she knows I would hope that she oversteps??

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That lady is out of this world over the top, Kim! It sounds like she was being 'real' with you about the cost of living in that city but there's probably a better way to say those things. Tone goes a long way. Also, none of her beeswax whether you can 'afford' something. I guess she felt cut off or hurt by her friend ending the friendship. I agree with the slow fade. For the minimal involvement she has in your life, this just ain't worth the headache.

 

I like the pumpkin patch joke lol

All they need are broomsticks!! Ok... too much. Good points about word choice and boundaries.

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You've made a smart choice to distance yourself from someone who browbeats people and makes you feel lousy. While your conditioning prompts guilt, challenge the voice in your head that takes up where she leaves off in judging yourself. Credit yourself instead for recognizing a personality that you don't wish to emulate or be influenced by. Celebrate your ability to make wise and self protective choices in who you're willing to call a friend versus those who are best relegated to acquaintance territory.

 

As kids we were forced into socialization within our neighborhoods and classrooms, yet as adults we've never been taught to recognize the point at which we don't require permission to apply mature discretion in selecting our friends carefully. While intellectually we understand that this means surrounding ourselves with positive people who we admire and respect, it's up to us to shed old conditioning that's driven by fears of unknown repercussions for rejecting anyone who is not good friendship material for us.

 

This requires a life skill that we must self-teach. For instance, you've observed this:

We have some friends in common and one of them ended their friendship with this girl, she sent her a text message explaining why, and my friend made a big deal out of it. It was all over her Facebook, she blocked this girl everywhere, so I hope I can avoid such drama. It sounds so high school lol.

 

So you've learned that confrontation doesn't buy peace, it buys drama. Choose a better method. Keep this person as a distant acquaintance, be kind whenever your paths cross, but don't engage her beyond the limits you choose. For instance, occasional shopping or movies wouldn't allow this woman much speaking time with you, and you might enjoy her in that context. If not, don't even do that. Give her the slow fade without feeding her ammunition. No complaints will change her, so just change your focus, instead.

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I'm going to try this on for size -never thought about it in this way -but maybe if you are active on social media (I have Facebook) then the whole sense of the natural flow of friendships fading, or taking a long break during certain life stages or changes, gets skewed because no matter what unless you unfriend each other you can still see posts and know sometimes the minutae of what's going on so it gives a false sense of still being "in touch" even though the connection is weak or even faded out. Used to be that part of the fading was you didn't call each other on your landlines anymore much less make a plan to see each other.

 

My best friend in 5th grade and I reconnected many years later (about 28 years later) via Facebook in 2008. We actually did get very close again and see each other whenever I was in town -a couple of times a year -had long phone calls once a week or so - and then around year 7 she started getting toxic - she always was on the negative/opinionated side but she started being less reliable, very argumentative, had medical issues as well and job-related/financial issues. We had a last straw moment in 2016 when she said something very hurtful about my imminent return to work after 7 years raising my son. So I distanced myself - and she would go MIA for a month or more without checking in which given our closeness I found hurtful/unfair as well.

 

So for the last few years I kept our friendship to less personal texting - I slowly started being more personal and was always ready to pull back if I saw she was getting too opinionated/argumentative, etc. I had to a few times a bit. I last texted her beginning of May -twice with what required a response, no response. Yesterday she texted me - almost 5 months later - her excuse was she got really busy at work which was understaffed so she wasn't texting people. She had been "liking" a lot of my comments on Facebook. So we had some pleasant chit chat but I'm glad she said what she did- now I'm in the category of "people I keep in touch with when I feel like texting." And so I will act accordingly -not share much that is personal/would need a response and keep the distance. Just an example of the evolution of a friendship that started in the 1970s.

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