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Should I be mad?


whendrex

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So my girlfriend won't leave my stuff alone. If she sees a belt, shoes, keys, wallet, coats etc she picks them up and puts them in the most obscure places. I have spent too many hours walking around my house aimlessly looking for basically everything. Its frustrating to be constantly 30 minutes behind schedule because she decides shoes don't go in the front room anymore, moves all the shoes to the guest room and doesn't tell me until I am ready flipped out over the sudden disappearance of footwear. She is not capable of stopping. I hate to tell tell a live in girlfriend to not touch my stuff because how will she ever feel comfortable if she can't touch anything. I have lived with many people and have never had this problem.

 

Yesterday she decides move to move one of my tools and I ended up slicing my finger almost off because I didn't have the right tools. I can't get a tetnus shot as I have had bad reaction to vaccines. I feel like I stand a chance dying now. Its not her fault I decided to do a job with the right tools but it is her fault I cannot find anything at any time. You do get to the point where you can't afford to bet set back another hour because she re-arranged your tools again and is at work so she can't answer her phone.

 

I have told her many times about my frustration. Not only does she take it hard but she is incapable of stopping. She is like OCD or something. She sees something, decides it shouldn't go there anymore and moves it without telling anyone.

 

It seems weird to end a long term relationship over something so trivial but it feels like I have spent the last year of my life looking for my keys. Now I almost lost a finger and am hoping no tetnus comes along.

 

Should I be mad or am I just a petty a-hole?

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Wow what a problem to have. I feel bad for you, I hate it when someone moves my stuff and doesnt tell me, but it doesnt happen often. This is not trivial, the word you used. This is a big deal and now that you cut yourself it's an even bigger deal. Perhaps you are not being firm or clear enough when you tell her to not move your things and then not tell you where they are. Sit her down, show her your cut, and explain how her moving your stuff indirectly caused the cut. I'd be really PO'd if I was you. It's fine to move her own stuff but she MUST leave your stuff alone.

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Well that makes me feel better I am not just about to be an a-hole. I know telling her the cut is indirectly her fault will cause her to take it too hard and the conversation won't be productive. Probably should approach it more lightly. I do feel better talking to her about it now but maybe I just don't mention the cut and stick to the shoes.

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Cutting yourself was your own fault and tetanus issues are not her fault. Why not keep it simple? Tell her not to move your things rather than exaggerate and catastrophize. Do either of you have a hoarding issue or cognitive issues? Simply tell her to leave your belongings where they are. Telling her that is not being an ass. Telling her she's at fault for all the problems in your life from cuts to tetanus to being disorganized is being an ass.

I know telling her the cut is indirectly her fault will cause her to take it too hard and the conversation won't be productive.
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Hello there, I am a wife and mother who does exactly what your gf does because my family members are so messy and it drives me bonkers! I like my house to be neat and orderly so if they leave their stuff lying around I will definitely pick it up and put it "in its proper place" (ie: keys/wallets at the front door, shoes in closet, etc...) however I always make sure the guys all know where "the proper place" for stuff is so they know where it will always be. I always say all items have a "home" and that's where they go...and preferable the guys would follow that guideline too so I don't have to pick up after them! I'm still hoping that one day the 3 of them would learn...and I'm still waiting.....haha

Anyways...perhaps you and your gf can decide a home spot for all of your items so if she tidies up for you there will be no question where everything is- or better yet you put them there! Lol. Good luck and I hope your finger heals okay.

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Cutting yourself was your own fault and tetanus issues are not her fault. Why not keep it simple? Tell her not to move your things rather than exaggerate and catastrophize. Do either of you have a hoarding issue or cognitive issues? Simply tell her to leave your belongings where they are. Telling her that is not being an ass. Telling her she's at fault for all the problems in your life from cuts to tetanus to being disorganized is being an ass.

 

Agreed except for the part about me being disorganized. Hard to keep track of anything with her around. I sometimes I think she does have some kind of cognitive disorder.

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How about a compromise? Tell her you'll be neat and put everything away where it belongs as long as she promises NOT to touch your stuff nor misplace your belongings.

 

In my household, we have rules. I've forewarned family members that I'm NOT their maid. I've picked up after them in the past. Eventually I became fed up and gave them fair warning. I told them that I will donate or discard their belongings if they leave their stuff all over the house haphazardly. I despise having their stuff strewn all over the house and living like a bunch of slobs. Things began to disappear their stuff was donated to charity. They finally got the message.:D I have a decluttered, neat, clean, organized house nowadays. Everything in its place and a place for everything. Everything has a home.

 

Shoes are on the shoe rack. We do not wear shoes indoors. Tools are in their tool boxes, caddies, chests, compartments, tool organizers and cabinets in the garage. Everything is labeled so we know where everything is stored. Clothes are in dressers (drawers), closets or laundry hamper. Keys are on a key holder hook mount on the wall near the door. We never dump stuff all over the place. Everything is organized, neat and orderly. I thrive on a decluttered, neat, very organized home life.

 

Another rule is for every new item brought into the house, stuff needs to be donated or discarded otherwise we end up hoarding clutter which drives me mad.

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I think there are two issues here. Standards of cleanliness which you two should try to talk about in as simple terms as needed -meaning maybe your three top priorities like a wish list and then figure out what you can let go of. Then have a specific rule that you cannot move each other's stuff to a different location (I mean a few inches or in the same general area so you can still see it might be ok) without telling the other person. I do sometimes move my husband's stuff and I tell him before he needs it like "I put these sheets and towels in this closet now because they're older and we don't use them as often" or "I saw your mail on this table so I put it where we keep the mail". If I'm uncertain -like maybe that piece of paper is separated for a reason -more important -I'll ask "is this mail?" - try not to be too rigid when you tell her -be more relaxed so she doesn't retort with an extreme example.

 

Same goes for the refrigerator -I had to throw out a dozen eggs because one of us didn't put it in the egg drawer so it got shoved to the back. If you have separate foods/condiments you use regularly, the rule is one has to tell the other if they're going to move or discard it. My husband will actually put pantry stuff I bring home from the supermarket all on the counter because that way I can put it away the way I like it and know where it is.

 

It doesn't have to be about "everything in its place" -we do not live that way, we are cluttered- BUT we actually do know where the regular and daily stuff is and when we "clean up for the cleaning people" we also know where we stow it away in general. Keep communication open, keep calm and casual about it and set down some ground rules. Good luck.

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I think you need to take a moment to acknowledge—for real, fully—that your cut finger has nothing to do with this. You cut your finger because you used the wrong tool. If you now die—which, c'mon, is not going to happen, that's just mental catastrophizing—that death is 100 percent on you. In short, your anger over your cut finger, or even your cut finger, cannot be in any way be brought into this discussion.

 

What can be brought into the discussion is that you recently found yourself looking for a tool, which wasn't where you left it because she had moved it. Start with that, expressing frustration at something that has been discussed, and tell her you'd like to solve this, together. That means asking questions, not attacking or offering your solutions or pointing a damaged finger in her face and saying, "See what you've done?!"

 

We're not in your house or in her head. Is there a chance that what you are calling neat she calls messy? Maybe. Is there a chance that she's got a streak of OCD? Maybe. In your shoes, I'd ask her what she thinks can be done to remedy this so neither of you are frustrated: so you're not annoyed when things are mysteriously moved, so she's not annoyed when things aren't where they should be, in her mind. Create a system, together, then see if you can both stick to that system.

 

I do feel for you, by the way, and am sorry about the finger. I consider myself neat, and every woman I've dated has confirmed that I am neat. Doesn't mean I don't have quirks that will annoy someone. I'm also super laid back—so if, say, my girlfriend occasionally left some unwashed dishes in the sink, I am not someone who would care, even while being someone who never leaves dishes in the sink. I'd either wash them or let them sit, and I'd never touch something that's not mine. But I'm dating you, you're not dating me, so this is about working with the person you're dating to find some balance, some harmony.

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You're upset. Things get blown out of proportion when we're upset. If she really is OCD, she may not be realizing when she's picking up or cleaning up after you. No discussion is going to stop her from doing that. It's a compulsive disorder. I agree with Camber. Just put the tools where they're supposed to go. You sound a bit disorganized. Are there any language barriers?

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Sounds like 'The Odd Couple' or a sitcom about grumpy older folks who bicker all the time about each other's bad habits. She is who she is. You knew this when she moved in.

 

If you are losing your things, go to the doctor for a checkup. If she is hiding them, take her for a checkup. You either both have some neurological stuff happening...or you just get on each other's nerves and use passive-aggressive games to make your points.

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This the same lady who was accusing you of cheating and projecting her own impropriety onto you? Thought you dumped her?

 

I'm by far the more cleanly between my wife and myself. But I don't ever just grab her **** and put it in various places. And if I ever do, I'll text or verbally let her know. She leaves mail and receipts all over the place. I don't go through it for junk or recycle any of it. It just gets stacked in a neat pile to appease my visual neuroticism Any other junk gets a pile off to the side on her office desk. It's not a passive-aggressive thing. It's that if she needs something I've needed out of the way at some point (generally when it's time for me to cook), she can check straight away there. If it's not there, she's gotta tap into her own memory bank as I had nothing to do with it.

 

Frankly, it doesn't matter what standards you two have. Address that on its own if you wish. But having your stuff moved around-- especially crucial things like work boots or tools for a job, is not a "that's what you get" situation. That's the kind of crap you can pull on a child to teach a lesson when their worst consequence is being late to laser tag. If you're an adult who works for a living, having to routinely allocate time to locate essential items gets miserable quick. It can also have real-world consequences aside from just bickering. Beyond something simply being placed out of the way, if my aesthetic sensibilities were being thrown off, it'd be an incompatibility issue, not an excuse to toss her keys, purse, or work badge in a place *I* felt was proper. If it were truly a matter of me not being comfortable in my home with her choice of where to dump her stuff, we wouldn't be where we are.

 

I don't know how messy you are. You claim to not be. So if that's truly the case and she's deciding on a whim that shoes next to the door is just no longer a thing, that's just another layer. I wouldn't waste energy being mad about it, but I would take it as a serious consideration. It may sound menial, but you can't well enjoy partner romantically while despising them as a roommate. Plus, if this the same woman, I think you've probably got plenty to consider along with it.

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I think you should just get together and make a compromise. Go around the house and organize it together. This would be opportunity to donate or throw out things you don't need or use anymore. As you are going around, discuss purpose of why things need to go here or there. Maybe hang up a key rack by the front door or put a shoe rack in the hall closet, set up some shelves, use colorful totes and label them to organize misc items. etc. Once that is established, talk about putting things away where they should go, not on the table, floor, bed etc. If anyone breaks that rule, have a discussion to correct it. It's like training a dog....you have to be consistent, and do the training on a regular basis to keep things right....no just for her, but for YOU also.

 

Now if she is doing it to mess with your head, send her to the curb. She has a mental issue to which is not yours to cure, or she's being nasty because she getting back at you for something. Not worth the relationship or the invasion of your space. This is why we live with our SO...to see if we CAN live together.

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It seems to me that you are so worried about her being comfortable that you've allowed this to get completely out of hand to the point where you can't live in peace and comfort in your own home yourself.

 

Sit down and agree where things belong and basic level of tidiness. Tell her not to touch or move your stuff and do it point blank. Mean it and convey that you mean it. There is no reason for her to be doing what she is doing other than she is being passive aggressive or has some other serious mental issues. She literally has no reason to ever touch your tools for example. This isn't wrong or being hostile to her in any way. Living together involves respecting each others space and preferences for things. This is a two way street, but in your home it's become a one way street and that part is on you. If need be, tell her that if she doesn't knock this off, she needs to start looking for her own place - yes you will need to be that blunt and that harsh for her to get it.

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We've informally divided up the house in common areas, hers, and mine.

 

She decides where things go in hers, i decide in mine. The common areas, neither cares so much.

 

So where are these areas?

 

Kitchen, bedrooms, bathrooms == hers

 

Garage, patio, office == mine.

 

Rest of the house == common.

 

I'm emphatic that tools be put away in the garage by the work bench. I hang them on the wall. I use a wall system that has metal hangers for everything. If they won't fit on that, there is a cupboard next to it. If anyone tries to put things in that area I remove it. If tools get left randomly elsewhere? I track it down and put it back in its place.

 

If I need a tool and cannot find it, I do not make do with the wrong tool. I find it or buy a new tool. Only then do I do the task.

 

As far as where keys go. If anyone decided that keys do not go on the hook by the door, then we'll have a talk right then and stop that nonsense. Lost keys are annoying and totally preventable.

 

If all the shoes are missing (by your reckoning), then maybe you have to wonder how that happened. It should lead you to believe that someone in the house is trying to tell you something. It is unlikely that they were stolen or thrown away. So it is really simple to figure it out. It is also unlikely that the location for the shoes keeps shifting to other locations. Once a place is picked out, that's it.

 

In our house we have a show shelf right by the door. That way the shoes go off when entering the home. Easily found when you want to leave.

 

The biggest petty fight we've had is what to do with the envelopes that important bills or letters come it once the correspondence has been opened. I use the envelopes as a sorting device, plus it includes a postmark and usually the logo. I put in file cabinet in folders, but still in envelopes. It has worked for me for decades. My wife of five years wants to throw away envelopes and just keep the letters, no matter how many pages, "loose" and in a stack. Very hard to find anything that way (for me).

 

No way, no how was that gonna work for me so i had to press my case. It was a definite conflict that I won.

 

I'm sure that others will think it trivial, just as you posted that your concerns were trivial.

 

But a way of life is not trivial.

 

Sometimes you have to have a line in the sand.

 

For me, it was the envelopes. :)

 

For you, it could be where to keep your tools or shoes or keys.

 

I think a home works best when there is a logical order to things so clutter does not take over. When chaos starts to reign, then it is time to clean up the house and if it gets really bad, recognize that something is amiss beyond laziness regarding household chores.

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You've only lived with each other a year though. Even the best of couples butt heads in the first year of living together. It happens. If you're this frustrated with her or the relationship, just take a time out and figure out whether you're both on the same page. Come to some sort of workable solution instead of creating cognitive disorders about the other person. It just fans the issues. Why would you ask someone to move in with you before knowing them well in the first place, right?

 

I like Jim's idea of being in charge of different areas of the house. It's the same with us. I think your concerns are valid. Just don't create problems on top of problems or let things get so big in your head that you're not being realistic or very fair in placing blame.

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I get it, there's no way that I could live like that.

 

Negotiate a trade. Make it fun rather than punitive, so discuss it when you're in a decent mood. You offer her the option of coming up with one rule that she wants you to do or stop doing in exchange for your rule of never moving any of your belongings without also leaving a post-it note in it's place to tell you exactly where she has put it.

 

Hand her a big block of post its and a good marker as you propose this swap.

 

You get veto power over which rule she's allowed to set for you, but then she can come up with something else.

 

Then, whoever breaks the others' rule owes the other 20 bucks on the spot. Not an IOU, a 20 dollar bill in hand the moment either of you calls the other on the rule. So go to the ATM together to gather some 20s on hand while you both learn how to navigate the new rules.

 

Decide to see how well this works before deciding anything else. If she doesn't learn to cooperate over time, you may want to find another roommate.

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Your question "Should I be mad or am I just a petty a-hole?" says a lot. It's not up to strangers to tell you how to feel or be here to give blessings to your emotions. And being frustrated at something in a relationship is not being an a-hole. It's very, very normal - it's usually the slighter issues that build into big problems. This type of question indicates to me that you like to placate. Just keep putting up with things hoping all will be okay or somehow believing anything you think about it is wrong, shoving it down, until you explode in frustration.

 

Which means talking about it isn't going to go well until you get it set in your mind that there are behaviors that are frustrating to you and have some options to work it out with her so you both can work with it. Only you two know how the place appears or the exact situation. A good test of how relationships will be is how people learn to deal with the many incompatibility/annoying issues that come up. Here's your chance.

 

I can sympathize with the frustration. I am organized, sometimes in order and sometimes in ordered chaos. But it works. I had a girlfriend who had a lot of opinions for others that she didn't always apply to herself. She would look at something in my house and say "wouldn't you be happier if it was organized this way." The answer was usually - no - which meant further discussion of why I would be happy with the change. Meanwhile, we were often delayed at her house as she tore everything apart trying to find her keys or the concert ticket or whatever that she randomly threw in a place to be neat for the five seconds it took to stash it somewhere out of sight. Talking about all this a few times didn't work. Eventually none of this worked for me so I organized things by booting her out of the relationship. Hope yours goes better.

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I don't get why people are concluding you must be a "slob". Not wanting someone randomly reorganizing your things without notification doesn't mean you're a "slob".

 

One of my employees had that happen. She lived with her parents and her mom just decided one day that her work-related items needed to be somewhere else. Didn't tell her, just put them in a completely different, unused room, totally out of sight. Then went on a 10 day trip with her dad. She ended up being late for work and unable to get set up on time for a critical function because she couldn't find her things. Her mom finally answered her frantic texts THREE DAYS later. It wasn't that she was leaving her things all over the house. Her mom just decided "they'd be better over here".

 

It's such a weird thing, but apparently it's not just your girlfriend.

 

All you can do is ask her to stop moving your things around. If she just can't stop herself she needs some kind of professional help because she should be perfectly capable of stopping this behavior.

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I don't get why people are concluding you must be a "slob". Not wanting someone randomly reorganizing your things without notification doesn't mean you're a "slob".

 

One of my employees had that happen. She lived with her parents and her mom just decided one day that her work-related items needed to be somewhere else. Didn't tell her, just put them in a completely different, unused room, totally out of sight. Then went on a 10 day trip with her dad. She ended up being late for work and unable to get set up on time for a critical function because she couldn't find her things. Her mom finally answered her frantic texts THREE DAYS later. It wasn't that she was leaving her things all over the house. Her mom just decided "they'd be better over here".

 

It's such a weird thing, but apparently it's not just your girlfriend.

 

All you can do is ask her to stop moving your things around. If she just can't stop herself she needs some kind of professional help because she should be perfectly capable of stopping this behavior.

 

Yes! I agree with this entirely! He might not be neat I suppose but this is not an indication either way. It is an indication that she feels the need to cross boundaries with respect to his important property.

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It's annoying when your living habits interfere with each other and you bicker over 'where's my?'... and she passive-aggressively moves your stuff to "teach" you how to do things..Her way. The "right" way.

 

Get a neon sign that says "bless this mess" and put it in her area. How large is your living area? Do each of you have your own space/areas? It sounds like you are cramped and on top of each other. Just like the junk draw everyone has, find an area that's just for you and is off limits to her.

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