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Thread: Should I be mad?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I get it, there's no way that I could live like that.

    Negotiate a trade. Make it fun rather than punitive, so discuss it when you're in a decent mood. You offer her the option of coming up with one rule that she wants you to do or stop doing in exchange for your rule of never moving any of your belongings without also leaving a post-it note in it's place to tell you exactly where she has put it.

    Hand her a big block of post its and a good marker as you propose this swap.

    You get veto power over which rule she's allowed to set for you, but then she can come up with something else.

    Then, whoever breaks the others' rule owes the other 20 bucks on the spot. Not an IOU, a 20 dollar bill in hand the moment either of you calls the other on the rule. So go to the ATM together to gather some 20s on hand while you both learn how to navigate the new rules.

    Decide to see how well this works before deciding anything else. If she doesn't learn to cooperate over time, you may want to find another roommate.

  2. #22
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    Your question "Should I be mad or am I just a petty a-hole?" says a lot. It's not up to strangers to tell you how to feel or be here to give blessings to your emotions. And being frustrated at something in a relationship is not being an a-hole. It's very, very normal - it's usually the slighter issues that build into big problems. This type of question indicates to me that you like to placate. Just keep putting up with things hoping all will be okay or somehow believing anything you think about it is wrong, shoving it down, until you explode in frustration.

    Which means talking about it isn't going to go well until you get it set in your mind that there are behaviors that are frustrating to you and have some options to work it out with her so you both can work with it. Only you two know how the place appears or the exact situation. A good test of how relationships will be is how people learn to deal with the many incompatibility/annoying issues that come up. Here's your chance.

    I can sympathize with the frustration. I am organized, sometimes in order and sometimes in ordered chaos. But it works. I had a girlfriend who had a lot of opinions for others that she didn't always apply to herself. She would look at something in my house and say "wouldn't you be happier if it was organized this way." The answer was usually - no - which meant further discussion of why I would be happy with the change. Meanwhile, we were often delayed at her house as she tore everything apart trying to find her keys or the concert ticket or whatever that she randomly threw in a place to be neat for the five seconds it took to stash it somewhere out of sight. Talking about all this a few times didn't work. Eventually none of this worked for me so I organized things by booting her out of the relationship. Hope yours goes better.

  3. #23
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    I don't get why people are concluding you must be a "slob". Not wanting someone randomly reorganizing your things without notification doesn't mean you're a "slob".

    One of my employees had that happen. She lived with her parents and her mom just decided one day that her work-related items needed to be somewhere else. Didn't tell her, just put them in a completely different, unused room, totally out of sight. Then went on a 10 day trip with her dad. She ended up being late for work and unable to get set up on time for a critical function because she couldn't find her things. Her mom finally answered her frantic texts THREE DAYS later. It wasn't that she was leaving her things all over the house. Her mom just decided "they'd be better over here".

    It's such a weird thing, but apparently it's not just your girlfriend.

    All you can do is ask her to stop moving your things around. If she just can't stop herself she needs some kind of professional help because she should be perfectly capable of stopping this behavior.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I don't get why people are concluding you must be a "slob". Not wanting someone randomly reorganizing your things without notification doesn't mean you're a "slob".

    One of my employees had that happen. She lived with her parents and her mom just decided one day that her work-related items needed to be somewhere else. Didn't tell her, just put them in a completely different, unused room, totally out of sight. Then went on a 10 day trip with her dad. She ended up being late for work and unable to get set up on time for a critical function because she couldn't find her things. Her mom finally answered her frantic texts THREE DAYS later. It wasn't that she was leaving her things all over the house. Her mom just decided "they'd be better over here".

    It's such a weird thing, but apparently it's not just your girlfriend.

    All you can do is ask her to stop moving your things around. If she just can't stop herself she needs some kind of professional help because she should be perfectly capable of stopping this behavior.
    Yes! I agree with this entirely! He might not be neat I suppose but this is not an indication either way. It is an indication that she feels the need to cross boundaries with respect to his important property.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's annoying when your living habits interfere with each other and you bicker over 'where's my?'... and she passive-aggressively moves your stuff to "teach" you how to do things..Her way. The "right" way.

    Get a neon sign that says "bless this mess" and put it in her area. How large is your living area? Do each of you have your own space/areas? It sounds like you are cramped and on top of each other. Just like the junk draw everyone has, find an area that's just for you and is off limits to her.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You'd be surprised at how refreshing it feels when you declutter, tidy up and organize your home life. (Same thing with your work life as well.) Whenever you cull and whittle down your belongings, categorize, group together and store them away in an orderly fashion, you'd be amazed at how your brain can think logically and voila! You can actually find your items! Nothing gets lost nor misplaced because everything has an official 'home.'

    For many of my household items, they're stored in clear labeled boxes, stacked and hidden. This is for inside my house and in my garage. For other more commonly used items, nothing is strewn in our wake because this is how messes accumulate and then you'll end up with nothing but dust magnets and collectors.

    There are ways to have your stuff without it looking sloppy all over the house. Corral like items and store them in open bins, baskets or containers. You can grab what you need without simply dumping your stuff all over the place. Get things off the floor. Have hooks on wall mounts. It keeps everything together and it's tidy.

    Don't simply leave your shoes and clothes lying all over the place. Either wear them, store them in dressers, closets, in your laundry hamper, get racks for shoes or donate to charity. For tools and other items, get a tool box or organize and label them in tool storage cases. This is what my husband does. There is no trouble finding anything whatsoever. Actually, it's extremely convenient once you get your life in order because you can actually think straight!

    For daily items, those too are placed in areas neatly as opposed to strewn haphazardly for that "lived in look."

    When you have a decluttered and organized home, you can think straight and your home is far easier to clean. Everything is sleek.

    I grew up in an unorganized home where everything was piled and stacked up. Nothing was clean and clutter was simply left everywhere. Once I owned my house with marriage and family life, I changed all that. Living in disarray causes your mind to live in a chronic disorderly state which is frustrating because it's so easy to fall into lazy slob mode.

    Decluttering and organizing saves your time and money. It's more efficient because you can find what you're looking for, your home is easier to clean because suddenly it feels more spacious and you'll prevent buying duplicates at the store.

    You'd be surprised at how you can actually live with less. Discarding, donating, decluttering and organizing your things is cathartic. Live simply and neatly. Once you get into this habit, there's no turning back.

    Messes are just that: Messy. Yes, even your junk drawer can be decluttered, neat and organized. You don't need 50 million pens and rubber bands! I placed a cheap flatware tray in my junk drawer so everything has its 'home' such as scissors, scotch tape, a FEW pens, a small container of paperclips and the like. It's not that hard. Closets, drawers, dressers and cabinets do not look like a nightmare.

    Your quality of life greatly improves when you change the way you live in a neat, decluttered, orderly and organized way. You ought to try it. It is indeed psychologically uplifting because you're no longer living in a perpetual state of chaos and then it becomes a daily habit to continue implementing positive changes!

    Discard and donate constantly as opposed to hoarding.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Deciding shoes don't belong next to the front door anymore, but rather in the guest room isn't "decluttering." Nor is taking it upon yourself to relocate your partner's work-essential tools. Granted we don't know the situation down to the very detail, but I'm assuming OP wasn't leaving his reciprocating saw on the kitchen island. But even then, you don't just unnanounced relocate items of regular and important use without letting your partner know.

    Look, I get it. As I mentioned before, I am by far the tidier person in my marriage. But you've still gotta respect the other person's ****. I've been with and known enough egotists who assume their intuition is the best and should simply be a matter of instinct for all born and raised human beings to know better than assume OP's just some slob.

    ... but if he is, then yeah. Pick up your underwear.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Deciding shoes don't belong next to the front door anymore, but rather in the guest room isn't "decluttering." Nor is taking it upon yourself to relocate your partner's work-essential tools. Granted we don't know the situation down to the very detail, but I'm assuming OP wasn't leaving his reciprocating saw on the kitchen island. But even then, you don't just unnanounced relocate items of regular and important use without letting your partner know.

    Look, I get it. As I mentioned before, I am by far the tidier person in my marriage. But you've still gotta respect the other person's ****. I've been with and known enough egotists who assume their intuition is the best and should simply be a matter of instinct for all born and raised human beings to know better than assume OP's just some slob.

    ... but if he is, then yeah. Pick up your underwear.
    Completely agree and there are many reasons why people don't completely declutter, or declutter certain rooms/places in rooms but not others and I think that misses the point of someone doing what the girlfriend is doing which Jman described perfectly. Heck, even if one person wants to declutter you have to at least mention to your partner your plan if it involves anything but absolutely clear garbage (I am reminded of the Everybody Loves Raymond episode -yes, I am now watching that show for the first time while on a treadmill - where the wife gets sick of her husband leaving his papers/mail on the kitchen table - so he agrees to stop, and he puts a letter from Muhammad Ali in a kitchen drawer containing other papers that they both use thinking that will show his goodwill in not leaving it laying around. Well the wife, on the phone with her girlfriend and looking for a coupon, tosses the contents of the drawer including the letter.

    I will -selectively- throw out some of my husband's clutter but it's only because I know him very well and know 100% that those items are trash or trash-designated. In fact 99.9% of the time he doesn't miss them and I even look for tiny receipts among his used tissues because I know he might need those for expense reports.

    I think taking this in a "you should declutter" direction isn't helpful for this particular situation. The girlfriend seems to have some real issues beyond decluttering.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Ok... I'm home a lot more than my husband. He used to ask me where things were (not often but enough for me to remember those times years later). Most of the time there are only two possible outcomes for the said object (where it is). It's either where it ALWAYS is (he forgot/doesn't know if we've run out/etc) or I've reorganized a vicinity and while still in the same area/room/part of the house, it's not in the exact spot. Not a big deal. He doesn't get upset about it and I inform him things have been reorganized. Reorganizing mostly happened in the first 2 years of living together. About 70% of the time I forget to inform him before he looks for it because 1) I'm busy with other things and 2) he'll forget anyway or he's not paying attention. Bottomline is things got moved... it wasn't a big deal.

    As for decluttering, in the past I've amassed little anthill piles for him to go through when he has time. He goes through them and out it goes. I never throw away his things without his knowledge - just a rule I've developed between us. One person's trash is another's treasure and I can count on him to be pragmatic. He just doesn't have the kind of time I do.

    This is all about your stuff though. She has to make room for hers too if she moved in with you. Let's be fair. Give yourselves up to a couple of years to adjust to living together if you really see yourself with this otherwise awesome person. While it's totally ok to be annoyed, it's not ok throwing away a perfectly great relationship overall based on this alone. Doesn't seem right to me. I'm referring to your post #1 reconsidering the entire relationship.

  11. #30
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    Not to put too fine a point on it but I also think it matters (1) what is being moved; and (2) where to. For example from 6am-7am school mornings I am on autopilot getting my kid fed/clothed/to the bus stop. To be on autopilot I prep the night before down to making sure his socks are separate (not rolled up) and whatever toiletries I need are in a specific row, etc. His backpack/bag are in a very specific corner in a very specific arrangement as is my water bottle bag. It would make me insane if anyone moved that even a few feet away or reorganized the order of anything. It's why I only need about 50 minutes total to get all ready. Same with how I prep for his breakfast, lunch, snack. If my husband moved the lunch or snack to a different part of the fridge it would be a disaster. But, other things are less neurotically organized. It all depends.
    Yes, sometimes I have to tell my husband that his (food/drink item) got moved to a different part of the fridge to make room for something else. But if that was for one of his business trips I wouldn't ever move something like that. It's about knowing each other and communication. And one person's "organization" is another person's trash -I'm sure many wouldn't see how organized my morning stuff is but I know where it is and it's always in the same place. Probably would look like clutter to someone else.

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