Jump to content

What type of personality disorder is this:


DKA

Recommended Posts

I've posted about my breakup on another thread but didn't go into too many details. I've journaled some of the experiences in my marriage and in trying to heal and understand, would like opinions of those who really have an impartial interest. In writing this, it almost seems absurd. Why would anyone stay in a toxic relationship? But it's not that easy to leave. My wife had a lot of good qualities and I wasn't always a saint. But I didn't even consider doing some of the things I wrote. The relationship was addictive, the crumbs of love were like a drug and I'm trying my best to break that addiction. It's hard to explain. If anyone has been there, I'd love to hear it.

 

I apologize for the length, but this is actually edited quite a lot. It's cathartic to get it out.

 

 

I met my wife in the newspaper ISO’s. We started dating in Dec. 1996. She had two children from a previous marriage and I had one. While dating and talking on the phone one night she told me that I wasn't a real parent because I only had one child. In thinking back, I guess that was a sign. We married within a year.

 

Early in our marriage she criticized the way I ran and would imitate me in front of the kids, that the furniture in my house was junk (it was new), that I was a bad parent, that the food sucked, that I didn't have a real job and she didn't know me or who I was. She questioned whether I made any money. She slammed cabinets, doors, beat on tables, and shut herself in other rooms. She would also scream, “I’m done, put her kids in the car and leave. I’d chase her down, convince her to stay and tell her I love her. She would explain that it was a flight/ fight mechanism kicking in. The original issue would never be resolved. The slightest disagreement would set her off. She would tell me that sex sucked. She had an obsession with a HS boyfriend from 20 years prior and would talk about him constantly. She would ignore me, scream and make stuff up that I had to address. She would threaten to go out to have sex with other people. She would leave the house, come back and not say where she had gone.

 

Friends fell off slowly but permanently. A neighbor asked me to play cards one night and she went ballistic about how her dad and brothers never did stuff like that and there was something wrong with me. She would create scenarios that didn't exist that I had to explain myself, like what would happen if co-workers wanted to go to a strip bar. We went to a wedding once and she walked off the dance floor, said I didn’t know how to dance and laughed at me. We didn’t dance again for 10 years. How I had bad character traits, no boundaries and was weak. I didn’t know how to fight back.

 

We would pray at home and do devotionals. She would tell me I wasn't praying right and not reading the devotionals correctly. That I didn't understand God. She would quote scripture like it was fire and brimstone. She would cry in church. She wanted me to be a leader in our church. To become a member, go to membership classes and commit to tithing 10% of our income to the church. To be a church leader. I had no interest in that and it bothered her. I was already taking a leadership role in Scouts, managing little league teams, was president of the PTA and holding two jobs.

I developed back pain as a result of all this. She wouldn’t let me go to a chiropractor.

 

I had a new job that required me to travel a few days a month. Her jealousy was out of control. She would call restaurants where I had been eating to see how many people were in the party and if there were women there. She called my boss once. She would call the hotel I where I was staying. I walked on egg shells a lot. If she was mad, she’d swing her arms ready to fight and argue. I always gave in and Issues were never resolved. My back pain grew worse and more frequent. If we tried to talk, she would say she was so disparaged and defeated that she wanted to slit her wrists or walk out in front of a moving car. This would end any constructive conversation.

 

My dad died in 2000 suddenly. It was devastating to me. The first night of his death, I hung out in the driveway drinking beer/reminiscing with my brothers. We smoked pot and went to bed about 1 or 2am. My wife went nuts, gave me a dissertation about not knowing who I was, that I couldn’t be trusted and that I was a liar. She didn’t let up for the next two days and I had to keep re-explaining myself, it was insidious. I was an emotional wreck and very vulnerable. The day of the funeral, she started in on me again first thing in the morning. I was late for my own father’s funeral.

 

In 2001, her temper began to escalate. She only bought food when my son wasn’t there. She became increasingly agitated and smashed a bedroom door down when I tried to get space. In 2001, I told her I wanted a divorce. She pleaded and begged and we decided to try again. The anger never subsided and during one incident, smashed a large mirror on the floor in a tantrum. The next morning I obtained a protection from abuse order. She was removed from the home the next day.

That should have been the end of any contact with her for the rest of my life.

 

After divorcing, for some reason I continued to seek her out either for companionship or to try and rekindle our relationship. Normally I was rejected, but yet I went back for more. It took years for me to determine why (see below) We dated occasionally over a 7 year period, I was always hoping to get back together. During that period, she verbally attacked my niece (16 years old) for being insubordinate to my sister in law. My step-son had his iPod stolen once and SHE drove to the school campus, found a kid with an iPod outside of school, took it from him and forced him to prove that the songs on it were his own. She was lucky to not be arrested. SHE got a letter from domestic relations about her first husbands child support payments, became infuriated and drove to the courthouse to berate the counselor. I talked her down on the phone.

 

Sometime during 2003 and 2004, SHE and I talked and really felt that she may have borderline personality disorder. She had been reading a lot about the subject (I hate you, don’t leave me) and she believed this was the reason for her erratic behavior. She believed it stemmed from her relationship with her mother. We found an expert in this field and attended counseling together. This lasted 6 to 8 sessions before we stopped talking.

 

In 2009, SHE came back into the picture again, with a new found spirit and want of getting back together again, professing her love. All of this happened very quickly and foolishly, but I agreedFast forward… we remarried in June, 2009.

 

The next 10 years moved quick. There were other incidents: she threw my work papers out the window onto the front lawn. She let our dog lay in his own barf cause she wanted to ‘show you what he did’? The sighing, the slamming, the rolling of the eyes all continued. She would cut me off when I was having a conversation with someone. She would suggest that I was wrong, even if she didn’t have an answer. The circle of idealizing me at one point and then criticizing me was endless. Always behind closed doors.

 

She became a gun advocate, convinced that Muslims were all corrupt, and verbally attacked a neighbor one night about how Muslims are all bad. The neighbor is a Jew with Muslim friends and was taken off guard. I called the neighbor the next day to apologize. She paid for and joined a website that had sex counselors to teach different sex sensations, bought a bunch of devices and took courses. As fast as that started, it abruptly ended. We never talked about sex.

 

She would sigh in disgust if I invited friends over, but would act happy when they visited. She wore the same pair of shorts for two weeks. I commented on it and she didn’t talk to me for two days.

She thought her ‘gift’ and her ‘job’ was to counsel people. She spent about a month talking with nieces/nephews/friends about money and marital issues. Everyday, she would wake up and send texts, emails and reading material to these people and spend hours on the couch doing so. She said she was gifted. Predictably, those people tired of communicating and after about a month she stated that she didn’t have that ‘gift’ or special skill set and was a failure. When visiting her cousin in NY, she became so upset that he wasn’t following her advise to stop drinking, that she disowned him temporarily.

 

She called my DIL on the phone once and berated her, told her my son was a bully and bullied my DIL into stuff and that she was ‘done’ with ‘all of that’. She also called my DILs mom. She sent an angry email out to the family. Later, she apologized to my DIL, called me up euphoric and said she had been ‘forgiven’.

 

In 2017, she received a call from an attorney in TX who stated that her former boyfriend (A pastor) had passed away and did she want all the love letters she had sent. I didn’t inquire, I assumed they were from before we met. How or why the attorney got her cell phone number, I have no idea.

 

She started Yoga. What started out as exercise became a several hour a day addiction in addition to workshops on the weekends. We rarely went out together. She would state that she was more enlightened than everyone else. Her food diet changed to plant based. She stopped buying food I ate. She snickered at people buying food she now deemed as unhealthy. She became a yogi with a guru. She went from 130lbs to about 115lb. Concerned with her health, in a very carefully and calm way, I said I had concerns that her diet and exercise program was causing her to lose too much weight and she had lost her skin elasticity, her skin tone and a healthy color. She clammed up and became upset. Then she told me that she’d hired a personal trainer. Egg shells. She conflicted with the personal trainer and only attended a few sessions.

 

There were long periods of time where we weren’t close. We’d sleep on opposite sides of a bed for days at a time. We had a few arguments over the past couple of years that seemed to be escalating in nature and I began to see her in a different light. She slowed the criticisms of me down, but would ignore me if I was talking, take something out of context that I said or misstate what I had said. Many of my sentences would start out with “that’s not what I said” or “I didn’t say that”, which I now know as gaslighting. She would never acknowledge me. My feelings were never validated. If we had a sensitive discussion, she would leave the room. After things settled down, she would say she couldn’t have these discussions because she felt defeated and wanted to jump off our upper balcony. Over the course of ten years, I would say she made this comment about 8 times. Addressing this issue would become paramount and the original discussion lost.

 

Near the end, she told me that she ‘always’ had one foot out the door. I told her I would not chase her down if she chose to leave again. One night, I stressed that I do everything in my power to keep our marriage together and that there is a massive imbalance of power in our relationship that needed to be resolved. It wasn’t fair. She smirked at me, walked upstairs and went to bed. That’s when I knew it was over. Emotional neglect on a grand scale. The next night she said, “you don’t care about my needs” and ‘you never meet my needs”. More untruths. The next morning she continued and I had had enough. She said the proverbial “I’m done”, which I had heard 100 times. I went into my office, shut the door and left. She has since sent me several texts, emails, etc., wanting to talk, but there was never an apology, admittance that she did anything wrong or anything similar. As a matter of fact, she has said I am hateful and in the next email said she holds me in high esteem.

 

The game of Spades - Early in our 2nd marriage, we attempted several times to play a game of spades with friends. She would change the rules as the game went along, stating she was a competitive spades player in college and I didn’t know how to play. The next time we played, she would change the rules back to the first time and so on. It was crazy. I finally decided to not play, that was 10 years ago. Our relationship was that game of spades.

 

I suffered PTSD dreams during our 2nd marriage. Each dream was similar. I would be in a situation where she and I had broken up and she would not speak to me. No matter what I did, she would not respond or tell me she loved me. I’d profess my love in these dreams but she wouldn’t respond in kind. I’d wake up in a cold sweat, tell her about it and she would console me, telling me she was right here and not going anywhere. However, during an argument once, she told me my dreams were going to become a reality if things didn’t change. This was manipulation. In retrospect, I believe these dreams were reality. I really wasn’t able to talk to her in real life and she never responded in kind.

Link to comment
  • Replies 69
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Excellent. Hopefully you are living apart and have taken care of your kids in all this. You could speculate anything you want from drugs/drinking to whatever mental/physical illness you want, but you can't erase anything. Maybe get a restraining order if she still acts crazy. All you can do. Focus on yourself and getting the care you need to see you through this.

It ended about 3 months ago and spanned 20 years. Divorce will be finalized in about a month.
Link to comment
Excellent. Hopefully you are living apart and have taken care of your kids in all this. You could speculate anything you want from drugs/drinking to whatever mental/physical illness you want, but you can't erase anything. Maybe get a restraining order if she still acts crazy. All you can do. Focus on yourself and getting the care you need to see you through this.

 

Thanks. Kids are all grown and gone. I'm focused on myself. It is very hard.

Link to comment

I am not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination and, although I have no idea of what type of personality disorder this is, I can definitely say that she is a profoundly mentally ill person (sorry). Her behaviour is so ridiculously out of line towards everyone. I'd be very afraid if I were you. I can relate as to why you'd want to save your marriage because at some level you love(?)/care for her but you are not being realistic . No one deserves to be treated this way!!! This woman desperately needs help and it is beyond your power to do that. IMHO, she should be committed or, at the very least, get some anger management help. She is verbally and emotionally abusive. Why on God's green earth are you allowing her to treat you this way??????

 

Your divorce will be the best thing that will happen to you in the near future. Trust me. Been there, done that (although my situation was nowhere near what yours was/is). Please, do your best to be kind to yourself and heal from this horrible situation, OP. I know it's vry hard but take baby steps and one day at a time, and you will get there. Hang in there, OK? Sending you some virtual hugs.

Link to comment

Honestly, the answer might be that she is not mentally ill - some people are just mean or have learned to belittle people and are abusive - possibly because they were abused themselves.

 

The bigger question is - where were your boundaries this whole time? Why did you accept this behavior early on instead of "nexting" her. Its easy to place the blame and be the "sweet, poor man" who had a horrid wife, but the responsibilty or accepting and pursuing her lies with you as well. And you were very quick to get married. AND you went back for marriage #2...that is what you really need to examine.

 

I was in a abusive marriage and though I didn't deserve abuse, I accepted and processed why i would accept an abusive person initially. You should do the same instead of "diagnosing" her.

Link to comment

Well...no stranger on internet boards is qualified or can identify for you just what kind of disorder she has. Safe to say, some kind of cluster B or colloquially, psycho. So what would a label do for you exactly? Make you feel sorry for her so you can go back for round 3? I hope not. One thing to understand is that people like her do not get healed, do not get cured, only seek help to manipulate others back into their control, and most critically....they get increasingly worse with age.

 

I think what you need to give up on is hope that you are harboring that somehow she'll morph into a completely different person and you'll finally have the relationship and happiness that you seek.....OR.....that someone else will have that with her, which is particularly scary for you. Thing is that normalcy and happiness doesn't exist for the disordered and she'll never ever change or get better because deep down inside, she doesn't think she is broken. Who she is works for her. Think on it - you put up with her abuse for 20 years and even after splitting up once, went begging for more. It works for her.

 

What you should address is what you control - yourself and what's broken inside of you that you need to live this way. I say need because you are already suffering from drama withdrawal. Please get help, get counseling, do what you need to do to get healthy for you.

Link to comment

It doesn't really matter OP. Some people are just a$$holes and there is no understanding it. Even if you did know, what would it matter? You need to focus on you vs what's wrong with her.

 

This sounds a lot like my relationship with my ex... he behaved in a similar way to your ex... he was critical, sarcastic, arrogant, angry and narcissistic but when he wanted to be he could also be loving and fun to be around with a big heart.

 

We were together for 15 years and it was very difficult for me to understand why he was the way he was... I blamed myself, and I blamed him, and continued to try and twist myself into a pretzel to make him happy, without ever looking at my part in the situation.

 

At the end of the day, my biggest lesson learned was that in all of my relationships which until now have all been with controlling, angry and arrogant men, I chose these people because it gave me a way to avoid looking at myself. It's pretty easy to blame someone else for the relationship issues when they are the clear a$$hole in the situation... however it also gave me an excuse to fight back, to not communicate, and to never have to fix any of my own anxieties or broken relationship issues, because it was his fault for being the a$$hole you know? And if he was going to treat me this way then I needed to be able to defend myself right? I found comfort in being a victim and a martyr because that's what was familiar to me... but I knew if I wanted something different, I had to learn to be different.

 

I needed to take responsibility, and to learn how to have a healthy relationship, which is what I did after we split up. It took me 3 years to get over him and I am still not totally over him... but every day it gets better, and my triggers don't have the same impact on my life as they used to, and I become a better person in all of my relationships... friendships, family, and my current partner.

 

It's early days but if you invest time into why you stayed and what you are hiding behind by accepting this type of treatment from someone, and you are open to change and learning about yourself, you will find that eventually you move on, find relief, and ultimately freedom from this situation.

Link to comment

You need to understand what attracted you to this dynamic, and why you stayed. You allowed this bully to treat you like garbage, when you should have left shortly after marrying.

 

This was also terrible for your kids to be exposed to.

 

I hope to God that you do not go another round! Please seek therapy to deal with your lack of boundaries and low self worth. I'm sorry, but you were an active participant in this.

Link to comment

I agree with Holly. Good for you for moving on and getting a second divorce. Enough is enough. Move on and focus on being a good dad. Stop questioning what kind of crazy this is. Focus on your own crazy and get better soon, move forwards, tackle your own weaknesses, grow stronger. You do not grow stronger by putting someone else down or trying to tear someone else down. Their foibles will take care of them. You just focus on yourself and how to outgrow this relationship permanently.

Link to comment
I am not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination and, although I have no idea of what type of personality disorder this is, I can definitely say that she is a profoundly mentally ill person (sorry). Her behaviour is so ridiculously out of line towards everyone. I'd be very afraid if I were you. I can relate as to why you'd want to save your marriage because at some level you love(?)/care for her but you are not being realistic . No one deserves to be treated this way!!! This woman desperately needs help and it is beyond your power to do that. IMHO, she should be committed or, at the very least, get some anger management help. She is verbally and emotionally abusive. Why on God's green earth are you allowing her to treat you this way??????

 

Your divorce will be the best thing that will happen to you in the near future. Trust me. Been there, done that (although my situation was nowhere near what yours was/is). Please, do your best to be kind to yourself and heal from this horrible situation, OP. I know it's vry hard but take baby steps and one day at a time, and you will get there. Hang in there, OK? Sending you some virtual hugs.

 

Thanks. I’m focused on myself and hanging in there.

Link to comment
Honestly, the answer might be that she is not mentally ill - some people are just mean or have learned to belittle people and are abusive - possibly because they were abused themselves.

 

The bigger question is - where were your boundaries this whole time? Why did you accept this behavior early on instead of "nexting" her. Its easy to place the blame and be the "sweet, poor man" who had a horrid wife, but the responsibilty or accepting and pursuing her lies with you as well. And you were very quick to get married. AND you went back for marriage #2...that is what you really need to examine.

 

I was in a abusive marriage and though I didn't deserve abuse, I accepted and processed why i would accept an abusive person initially. You should do the same instead of "diagnosing" her.

 

This this this.

 

I’m not even clear what the question is, this reads more like a journal entry, there’s zero introspection, just a retelling from your point of view. Which is incredibly cathartic so I get it, get it all out, it’s early and this was a long marriage, just try your best not to stay here.

Link to comment
It ended about 3 months ago and spanned 20 years. Divorce will be finalized in about a month.

 

Are you in therapy for codependency and your PTSD?

 

It very much sounds like your ex has borderline personality disorder. There are forums for those with BPD and for those who have unfortunately been weaved into their emotional spider web. You would do well to supplement this forum with one of them so that you are talking with people who have been there, done that. A google search will lead you to BPD forums.

 

Sorry this went on in your life for so long. I hope it didn't affect your child in anyway. I also hope you have made it impossible for her to get through to you and that you have deleted all means of getting in contact with her. Any contact should be made through your lawyer so that you can thoroughly withdrawl from your addiction to her.

Link to comment

Why on Gods green earth are you trying to diagnose her? its irrelevant, youve wasted 20 years chasing the fantasy of someone who doesnt exist. Since youve never been over her you've never been open to the love of someone far more suited. What a waste of life, you only get one.

 

You need to cut her out of your life to the point where you couldnt contact her even if you wanted to. Move to another country.... anything to escape.

 

There will be no great epiphany, there will be no happy ending, there will definitely be no explanation or apology. This isnt the movies buddy, theres nothing but pain at the end of this story!!!

Can you imagine where you would be if you had committed that 20 years of energy to something more fruitful like your career or a family or even a musical instrument.

 

Your first and only concern in life is to escape this self destructive pattern, and after 20 years this is more than a habit, this is worse than a heroin addiction, its in your DNA now. If you dont get some help this will consume your entire life and you'll die with a very sad story.

Link to comment
Why on Gods green earth are you trying to diagnose her? its irrelevant, youve wasted 20 years chasing the fantasy of someone who doesnt exist. Since youve never been over her you've never been open to the love of someone far more suited. What a waste of life, you only get one.

 

You need to cut her out of your life to the point where you couldnt contact her even if you wanted to. Move to another country.... anything to escape.

 

There will be no great epiphany, there will be no happy ending, there will definitely be no explanation or apology. This isnt the movies buddy, theres nothing but pain at the end of this story!!!

Can you imagine where you would be if you had committed that 20 years of energy to something more fruitful like your career or a family or even a musical instrument.

 

Your first and only concern in life is to escape this self destructive pattern, and after 20 years this is more than a habit, this is worse than a heroin addiction, its in your DNA now. If you dont get some help this will consume your entire life and you'll die with a very sad story.

 

Are you in therapy for codependency and your PTSD?

 

It very much sounds like your ex has borderline personality disorder. There are forums for those with BPD and for those who have unfortunately been weaved into their emotional spider web. You would do well to supplement this forum with one of them so that you are talking with people who have been there, done that. A google search will lead you to BPD forums.

 

 

 

Sorry this went on in your life for so long. I hope it didn't affect your child in anyway. I also hope you have made it impossible for her to get through to you and that you have deleted all means of getting in contact with her. Any contact should be made through your lawyer so that you can thoroughly withdrawl from your addiction to her.

 

Yes, I am in therapy and working through all of the issues others have mentioned regarding my [lack of] boundaries, what brought me into the relationship to begin with, why I stayed, etc. I know more about fundamentalist religion and psychology than I ever wanted to learn unfortunately, but believe I'm healing well and building up a support network. FWIW, writing this down in one bulk sitting was eye opening. One incident in and of itself isn't a big deal, but as a whole is crazy. I see that. Trust me when I say this was the tip of the iceberg. But it happens in such an insidious manner over time that its exhausting. Ironically, I built a successfully career over those past 20 years, so I have no regrets about having sacrificed that at least.

Contact has been broken completely. I have maintained a good relationship with my adult child and adult step-children.

Link to comment

Here's the thing about diagnosing her disorder, and how it's relevant for you, and what you should be discovering in therapy: Who in your life (parent, etc.) does this remind you of? Is there anyone else in your life for whom you have walked on eggshells, or been impossible to please?

 

The thing about trying to figure out the disorder of the person you're with is that very often, we stay with them to try and fix what was broken from childhood. So if you don't get to the root of that childhood issue, you'll just find another "eggshell" woman, and you'll go through this for the rest of your life.

 

I am actually in the camp of yes, it IS important to figure out what was broken in them, but only when we can then use that road to lead us to what's broken in us. Does that make sense?

 

So, getting a diagnosis, for her, of BPD, is useful only when we can say, oh wait.....my (dad, mom, uncle, aunt, teacher, etc.) had similar characteristics, and I always felt (useless, helpless, hopeless), which made me feel, as an adult (impossible to please someone, too eager to please, always afraid of that person), which will lead me to (recognizing those characteristics sooner in my next partner, not accepting someone's cr*p, etc.).

 

A great therapist can, and should, guide you through this. Otherwise, you're just spinning wheels, trying to figure her out, when it should come back to, figuring yourself out.

 

This isn't just "why on earth did you stay this long??? What's wrong with you!!!???". That's an easy statement to make, but it's such a more complicated process, and I do hope your therapist helps you through this.

Link to comment

I agree with the other poster whose opinion is that your ex has borderline personality disorder. The drama, the chaos is all normal to her, and she thrives on all of it. I have this disorder myself so I understand some of her actions, others not so much. But what would having a diagnosis on her accomplish? What difference does it really make in the scheme of things?

 

She is a cluster B personality, and her wanting you to constantly chase her- (in her disordered mind) shows her that you still love her. When you stop chasing her- that "means" you dont love her anymore or see her as worth the effort. So she will seek attention, "love" and validation elsewhere. When you stop chasing her, she will ultimately "abandon" you and the relationship. Your job is to validate her and when you stop doing that job- she will have no more use for you. She cannot self validate so she will find someone else who will.

 

I'm sorry that you went through that rollercoaster of a marriage. Her emotions are rollercoaster-like unfortunately; and whomever is around her has to hold on tight for the ride. I am glad that you got out of that situation, and you need to stay out of it. She has a low self awareness level and therefore will unlikely change. Dont let her use you as a backup plan when her other conquests fail. Get yourself into some counseling so that you dont find yourself in another toxic dynamic with a different woman with the same traits.

 

Borderlines can very be addictive; most of them are very attractive, intelligent, highly emotional and high energy people. They are also impulsive, unstable and unpredictable. The highs feel great, but the lows are devastating, and that's how you may have become trauma bonded. So I understand how you feel and 20 years of the drama, chaos, highs and lows have affected you greatly- hence, my reason for suggesting counseling.

 

I spent 21 years with my narcissistic ex husband because he always chased and validated me. He jumped through hoops to please me, and I still cant get rid of him. So I understand the push/pull dynamic that you were in all those years.

 

Take this time to focus on yourself and figure out why you found her toxicity so appealing.

 

I have plenty of codependent or narcissistic exes that have tried to "come back" to me over the years. Unpredictable and complicated women like us with various mood/ personalites are never boring-- and often fun to be around. Our unpredictability keeps men guessing and on their toes at all times. Bpds are free spirits. They have seen and done a lot in their lives so they have plenty of stories to tell. Those constant highs and lows produce hormones in the brain that are often likened to drug addictions. So I understand that you need time alone to decompress and recover. Good luck to you.

Link to comment
I have had plenty of narcissistic and codependent exes

 

Smjackson, do you really not realize what this statement truly means?

 

For an individual to have ‘plenty’ of narcissistic or codependent exes means you’re either attracting them to you or you’re attracted to them.

 

That’s super bad!

 

So while you delve into google labeling them you waste your time, not solving the real issue.

 

I know this without a shadow of doubt it is an absolute fact, wanna know how?

 

Cause if you actually learned anything from all this research you wouldn’t go right back to another narcissist or codependent.

 

See how you’re just kinda wrapped up in all this and not focusing on what you can control? Yourself?

Link to comment
Yes, I am in therapy and working through all of the issues others have mentioned regarding my [lack of] boundaries, what brought me into the relationship to begin with, why I stayed, etc. I know more about fundamentalist religion and psychology than I ever wanted to learn unfortunately, but believe I'm healing well and building up a support network. FWIW, writing this down in one bulk sitting was eye opening. One incident in and of itself isn't a big deal, but as a whole is crazy. I see that. Trust me when I say this was the tip of the iceberg. But it happens in such an insidious manner over time that its exhausting. Ironically, I built a successfully career over those past 20 years, so I have no regrets about having sacrificed that at least.

Contact has been broken completely. I have maintained a good relationship with my adult child and adult step-children.

 

Really?

 

What does your research consist of?

 

Serious question.

 

You are doing quite well it’s very very early 3 months out of a 20 year marriage recovery will be a journey, but you will get there.

Link to comment
Here's the thing about diagnosing her disorder, and how it's relevant for you, and what you should be discovering in therapy: Who in your life (parent, etc.) does this remind you of? Is there anyone else in your life for whom you have walked on eggshells, or been impossible to please?

 

The thing about trying to figure out the disorder of the person you're with is that very often, we stay with them to try and fix what was broken from childhood. So if you don't get to the root of that childhood issue, you'll just find another "eggshell" woman, and you'll go through this for the rest of your life.

 

I am actually in the camp of yes, it IS important to figure out what was broken in them, but only when we can then use that road to lead us to what's broken in us. Does that make sense?

 

So, getting a diagnosis, for her, of BPD, is useful only when we can say, oh wait.....my (dad, mom, uncle, aunt, teacher, etc.) had similar characteristics, and I always felt (useless, helpless, hopeless), which made me feel, as an adult (impossible to please someone, too eager to please, always afraid of that person), which will lead me to (recognizing those characteristics sooner in my next partner, not accepting someone's cr*p, etc.).

 

A great therapist can, and should, guide you through this. Otherwise, you're just spinning wheels, trying to figure her out, when it should come back to, figuring yourself out.

 

This isn't just "why on earth did you stay this long??? What's wrong with you!!!???". That's an easy statement to make, but it's such a more complicated process, and I do hope your therapist helps you through this.

 

Thanks. I do have a good therapist who seems to understand the dynamics of the relationship and have concentrated on exactly what you stated; who in my life does this remind me of? Like many of the people on here have stated, the diagnosis shouldn't really matter at this point and I believe that to be true. But it's also important as part of introspection to understand the what, why, and how so I can work on myself.

Link to comment
Really?

 

What does your research consist of?

 

Serious question.

 

You are doing quite well it’s very very early 3 months out of a 20 year marriage recovery will be a journey, but you will get there.

 

By that statement, I meant that I've learned more in the course of my relationship about those two subjects than I really cared to, by trying to understand what was happening. And while it's only been about 3 months that we're apart, I've been on this journey for a long, long time.

Link to comment

Whoa.

 

I've dated your wife—once for eight weeks last year (with last two being along the lines of what you described) and once for a year when I was 26 (with most of it being like you described). So I guess you could say I've taken a few hits from the pipe you've been smoking for 20 years. Is there a diagnosis for her? Probably. Is there a point? I don't think so—and you're clearly smart enough to know that that's the point you're trying to get to in this post: when it doesn't really matter what was up because it's over, finally, for real.

 

That will take real time, as you also know. Just keep riding these waves, while reminding yourself that these questions (about her) are questions you'll never be able to quite answer. Remind yourself that they may be a proxy for questions you're still not quite ready to ask yourself about yourself. And then remind yourself that that is okay and human. Time. Time is handling this, or is at least going to do the heavy lifting for you.

 

But, hey, here we are. You're spinning around, I'll riff a bit.

 

Were I to diagnose your wife I'd diagnose her as a human with a pretty high-octane mind (and, I'm guessing, a pretty pretty exterior housing unit of said mind) but no real core. I'm not talking about the core they build in yoga or pilates (or at church or on pro-gun/anti-Muslim websites) but the kind of deep core that some people just do not have. She was born without that and uses the high-octane mind to fill that void. But that void is not like an empty can, but like a can with no top or bottom. Everything pours through it, without sticking. Yoga and guns pour through it, along with love and hate. Self-awareness pours right through it.

 

Speaking in broad brushstrokes, people with low-octane minds and no core are pretty harmless; think of the proverbial couch potato. But the person with a high-octane mind and no core? Oh, quite dangerous, because there is something compelling about it all, the illusion of so many things that aren't actually there. And the person with the high-octane mind, no core, plus an exterior that is attractive? Hiroshima, in human form.

 

The sharpest minds in the field of psychology do have a term for these people, but it's so complex that they never share it at conferences or in textbooks, but only amongst themselves. Interestingly, that term is also one that gets thrown about plenty by laymen of all station and stripe—the term, say, and I'm just spitballing here, a boss uses when the wife of one of his employees calls up and goes off the handle. "What a total a$$hole!" says the boss, much like those Nobel-tracked, diagnostic diamond cutter psychologists talking shop in the wood-paneled den.

 

That may be the beginning and end here, hard as that is for your high-octane mind to come to terms with. Two decades of your life drawn to an a$$hole. The writing was right there on the wall in year one, graffiti by year three, and impossible to read shortly after because by then all the walls were rubble and your eyes, ears, and nose were clogged with dust. So much dust, and so much time spent acclimating to breathing in that dust, that you couldn't quite see the writing on the wall even after the intermission, because by then you were, as they say in back alleys, hooked on the dust. And you still probably are, a bit, with this post a kind of twitch of withdrawal.

 

And you know what? It's all okay. Somewhere along the way there was a lot of fun—and, I'm hoping, no shortage of heat. And in everything that was not fun? In that there was something you needed too, if only to get to this part: the part where you can isolate what that something was so you no longer need it. Keep twitching, in short.

 

For a guy 90 days returned from World War Three you sound good. Raised a kid who respects you. Good career. A high-octane mind and, according to my radar, a pretty phenomenal core. It's been bent and bruised something fierce, for sure, but you're tapping into it right now, giving it some nourishment where it had grown accustomed to mistaking starvation for a buffet. Stay that course, keep walking in the direction you're walking in, ask every question you need to ask, feel everything you need to feel.

 

I'm sorry for this chapter—or for the present pain brought on by your past, I should say, because in reading what you wrote I can't help but feel that you are in the early days of what you will look back on as the start of what you will be too busy diagnosing as a really, really awesome juncture in your life to think too much about diagnosing your ex or any other woman.

Link to comment

Fugureitout, this is not my post. I simply commented on the post because he asked for input. I am not on this forum seeking advice, and have not in the 18 months I've been here. Therefore, your thoughts about me are irrelevant- this post is not about me in any shape or form.

 

And yes, I do attract narcissists like a magnet. And I am not currently dating one. Im doing my own healing and reflection. But if I DID go back to one, why is that your concern? And on this person's post?? I suggested that the poster move on and seek therapy and healing. And if you read my first paragraph, I said the same thing you are implying. Diagnosing someone is pointless. Reading is fundamental.

 

So If you are looking to simply debate with me, or give me unsolicited advice, then please move on. I said what I said and I stand by each word of it. I have an opinion just like everyone else so your dialogue with me is really useless. Have a great day.

 

Ps. The narcissists that were in my life admitted they were narcissistic. They just didnt care. So again, I had no need to diagnose anyone.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...