What type of personality disorder is this:

[figureitout23]

Yes, I am in therapy and working through all of the issues others have mentioned regarding my [lack of] boundaries, what brought me into the relationship to begin with, why I stayed, etc. I know more about fundamentalist religion and psychology than I ever wanted to learn unfortunately, but believe I'm healing well and building up a support network. FWIW, writing this down in one bulk sitting was eye opening. One incident in and of itself isn't a big deal, but as a whole is crazy. I see that. Trust me when I say this was the tip of the iceberg. But it happens in such an insidious manner over time that its exhausting. Ironically, I built a successfully career over those past 20 years, so I have no regrets about having sacrificed that at least.
Contact has been broken completely. I have maintained a good relationship with my adult child and adult step-children.

Really?

What does your research consist of?

Serious question.

You are doing quite well it’s very very early 3 months out of a 20 year marriage recovery will be a journey, but you will get there.

[DKA]

Here's the thing about diagnosing her disorder, and how it's relevant for you, and what you should be discovering in therapy: Who in your life (parent, etc.) does this remind you of? Is there anyone else in your life for whom you have walked on eggshells, or been impossible to please?

The thing about trying to figure out the disorder of the person you're with is that very often, we stay with them to try and fix what was broken from childhood. So if you don't get to the root of that childhood issue, you'll just find another "eggshell" woman, and you'll go through this for the rest of your life.

I am actually in the camp of yes, it IS important to figure out what was broken in them, but only when we can then use that road to lead us to what's broken in us. Does that make sense?

So, getting a diagnosis, for her, of BPD, is useful only when we can say, oh wait.....my (dad, mom, uncle, aunt, teacher, etc.) had similar characteristics, and I always felt (useless, helpless, hopeless), which made me feel, as an adult (impossible to please someone, too eager to please, always afraid of that person), which will lead me to (recognizing those characteristics sooner in my next partner, not accepting someone's cr*p, etc.).

A great therapist can, and should, guide you through this. Otherwise, you're just spinning wheels, trying to figure her out, when it should come back to, figuring yourself out.

This isn't just "why on earth did you stay this long??? What's wrong with you!!!???". That's an easy statement to make, but it's such a more complicated process, and I do hope your therapist helps you through this.

Thanks. I do have a good therapist who seems to understand the dynamics of the relationship and have concentrated on exactly what you stated; who in my life does this remind me of? Like many of the people on here have stated, the diagnosis shouldn't really matter at this point and I believe that to be true. But it's also important as part of introspection to understand the what, why, and how so I can work on myself.

[DKA]

Really?

What does your research consist of?

Serious question.

You are doing quite well it’s very very early 3 months out of a 20 year marriage recovery will be a journey, but you will get there.

By that statement, I meant that I've learned more in the course of my relationship about those two subjects than I really cared to, by trying to understand what was happening. And while it's only been about 3 months that we're apart, I've been on this journey for a long, long time.

[bluecastle]

Whoa.

I've dated your wife—once for eight weeks last year (with last two being along the lines of what you described) and once for a year when I was 26 (with most of it being like you described). So I guess you could say I've taken a few hits from the pipe you've been smoking for 20 years. Is there a diagnosis for her? Probably. Is there a point? I don't think so—and you're clearly smart enough to know that that's the point you're trying to get to in this post: when it doesn't really matter what was up because it's over, finally, for real.

That will take real time, as you also know. Just keep riding these waves, while reminding yourself that these questions (about her) are questions you'll never be able to quite answer. Remind yourself that they may be a proxy for questions you're still not quite ready to ask yourself about yourself. And then remind yourself that that is okay and human. Time. Time is handling this, or is at least going to do the heavy lifting for you.

But, hey, here we are. You're spinning around, I'll riff a bit.

Were I to diagnose your wife I'd diagnose her as a human with a pretty high-octane mind (and, I'm guessing, a pretty pretty exterior housing unit of said mind) but no real core. I'm not talking about the core they build in yoga or pilates (or at church or on pro-gun/anti-Muslim websites) but the kind of deep core that some people just do not have. She was born without that and uses the high-octane mind to fill that void. But that void is not like an empty can, but like a can with no top or bottom. Everything pours through it, without sticking. Yoga and guns pour through it, along with love and hate. Self-awareness pours right through it.

Speaking in broad brushstrokes, people with low-octane minds and no core are pretty harmless; think of the proverbial couch potato. But the person with a high-octane mind and no core? Oh, quite dangerous, because there is something compelling about it all, the illusion of so many things that aren't actually there. And the person with the high-octane mind, no core, plus an exterior that is attractive? Hiroshima, in human form.

The sharpest minds in the field of psychology do have a term for these people, but it's so complex that they never share it at conferences or in textbooks, but only amongst themselves. Interestingly, that term is also one that gets thrown about plenty by laymen of all station and stripe—the term, say, and I'm just spitballing here, a boss uses when the wife of one of his employees calls up and goes off the handle. "What a total a$$hole!" says the boss, much like those Nobel-tracked, diagnostic diamond cutter psychologists talking shop in the wood-paneled den.

That may be the beginning and end here, hard as that is for your high-octane mind to come to terms with. Two decades of your life drawn to an a$$hole. The writing was right there on the wall in year one, graffiti by year three, and impossible to read shortly after because by then all the walls were rubble and your eyes, ears, and nose were clogged with dust. So much dust, and so much time spent acclimating to breathing in that dust, that you couldn't quite see the writing on the wall even after the intermission, because by then you were, as they say in back alleys, hooked on the dust. And you still probably are, a bit, with this post a kind of twitch of withdrawal.

And you know what? It's all okay. Somewhere along the way there was a lot of fun—and, I'm hoping, no shortage of heat. And in everything that was not fun? In that there was something you needed too, if only to get to this part: the part where you can isolate what that something was so you no longer need it. Keep twitching, in short.

For a guy 90 days returned from World War Three you sound good. Raised a kid who respects you. Good career. A high-octane mind and, according to my radar, a pretty phenomenal core. It's been bent and bruised something fierce, for sure, but you're tapping into it right now, giving it some nourishment where it had grown accustomed to mistaking starvation for a buffet. Stay that course, keep walking in the direction you're walking in, ask every question you need to ask, feel everything you need to feel.

I'm sorry for this chapter—or for the present pain brought on by your past, I should say, because in reading what you wrote I can't help but feel that you are in the early days of what you will look back on as the start of what you will be too busy diagnosing as a really, really awesome juncture in your life to think too much about diagnosing your ex or any other woman.

[smJackson]

Fugureitout, this is not my post. I simply commented on the post because he asked for input. I am not on this forum seeking advice, and have not in the 18 months I've been here. Therefore, your thoughts about me are irrelevant- this post is not about me in any shape or form.

And yes, I do attract narcissists like a magnet. And I am not currently dating one. Im doing my own healing and reflection. But if I DID go back to one, why is that your concern? And on this person's post?? I suggested that the poster move on and seek therapy and healing. And if you read my first paragraph, I said the same thing you are implying. Diagnosing someone is pointless. Reading is fundamental.

So If you are looking to simply debate with me, or give me unsolicited advice, then please move on. I said what I said and I stand by each word of it. I have an opinion just like everyone else so your dialogue with me is really useless. Have a great day.

Ps. The narcissists that were in my life admitted they were narcissistic. They just didnt care. So again, I had no need to diagnose anyone.

[figureitout23]

Fugureitout, this is not my post. I simply commented on the post because he asked for input. I am not on this forum seeking advice, and have not in the 18 months I've been here. Therefore, your thoughts about me are irrelevant- this post is not about me in any shape or form.

And yes, I do attract narcissists like a magnet. And I am not currently dating one. Im doing my own healing and reflection. But if I DID go back to one, why is that your concern? And on this person's post?? I suggested that the poster move on and seek therapy and healing. And if you read my first paragraph, I said the same thing you are implying. Diagnosing someone is pointless. Reading is fundamental.

So If you are looking to simply debate with me, or give me unsolicited advice, then please move on. I said what I said and I stand by each word of it. I have an opinion just like everyone else so your dialogue with me is really useless. Have a great day.

Ps. The narcissists that were in my life admitted they were narcissistic. They just didnt care. So again, I had no need to diagnose anyone.

Completely understood, you’re right I mainly see you pop up when buzzwords like ‘narcissist’ or ‘personality disorder’ are spoken then you give a play by play of what your ex did to you sprinkled in with ‘advice’ which really is just more buzzwords.

My response to you is because honestly you seem incredibly stuck. If you wish to remain in this space it is your right though, apologies.

P.S. unless all of your exes went to Drs to get diagnosed, take their words with a grain of salt, but that’s neither here nor there, again it’s very concerning that you attract so many of these types, what have you done to change your trajectory?

[Rose Mosse]

When there's this much resentment and lost time, I can understand you wanting to label it. It's like putting a name to a big bad monster that's been haunting you for awhile and then exorcising it by name. It's all very cathartic.I don't think there's any harm in calling the big baddie by name but eventually, you've got to get tired going around and around in circles chasing that monster. Eventually that joke is going to be on you because you can't let it go. (or let her go). Good job for realizing that this doesn't really matter in the thread - the mental illness idea. I think you've come quite a way since the first page.

Get up, get out of it and don't mope. It's finished. Be glad. Fill your life up with new and better things.

Sometimes being humble about it is everything too. You're not God. You're certainly in no control over everything (none of us are!). You can't explain everything that she is or that you are. Simply accepting and forgiving go a long way. Forgive yourself too and accept that you've made mistakes in all of it just as she has.

[Wiseman2]

Unpack all this in therapy. That's an enlightened and private space to do whatever marriage postmortem you may need to do for closure.

Thanks. Kids are all grown and gone. I'm focused on myself. It is very hard.

[smJackson]

Figureitout,

I do not jump on every post where I see the keywords narcissist. I have a 6 bedroom 4000 sq foot home to pay for, as well as a sophmore daughter in college that I support and another daughter on a professional dance team. I actually have a life outside of this site, and a full time job. I have responsibilities. I am not on this site nearly as much as you are, that's for damn sure!! Lol

I am not stuck. I am still in recovery, but I am thriving since I have removed myself from the abuse.

I have a vindictive narcissistic ex who is still mad about his loss of control over me- and who is still trying to create drama for me. If anyone is "stuck" it would be him. I mainly come here to vent and yes, I do sometimes include what I went through as my experience is relational to the topic at hand. I suggested that the poster moves on and focuses on himself, rather than attempt to diagnose a disordered individual.

As far as what I am doing different, I am staying away from all men. Period. I am taking time to learn who I am, and what I want and dont want. I'm doing my research as well. But I am learning to love and validate myself- most importantly.

Sometimes, its just good to let people know they are understood and they have support- even if I dont have any step by step advice for the poster.

Just so that you know, i am on the high functioning end of the spectrum. I maintain stable employment, and I am drug free and drama free. If I wanted to engage in more drama and chaos, I'd take my abusive exes up on their offers to reconcile. But I have too much too lose these days.

I am wise enough to know they just want sex, revenge and to be the one to discard ME- because their fragile egos cant accept the fact that a borderline they became complacent with using and abusing finally found the strength, self love and self worth to cut them off once and for all.

I am not my disorder and it does not define me. When I am done, I am done with you for a lifetime. And yes, I will vent here as needed. The thread that I use the most specially says, "Post here instead of contacting your ex." So why are you so concerned anyway? You sound like drama yourself, honestly. You have too much time on your hands to pick apart everyone's comments and threads. My last post about my ex earned me some reputation points too. Fyi. Thank you for taking the time to read my post history here too. Again, you really need a life. Perhaps an interesting one.

Any other questions??? My inbox is open so please respect the poster of this thread and let him get the help that he has requested and stop making his post about little old me. Peace!!

[LHGirl]

I agree with the other poster whose opinion is that your ex has borderline personality disorder. The drama, the chaos is all normal to her, and she thrives on all of it. I have this disorder myself so I understand some of her actions, others not so much. But what would having a diagnosis on her accomplish? What difference does it really make in the scheme of things?

She is a cluster B personality, and her wanting you to constantly chase her- (in her disordered mind) shows her that you still love her. When you stop chasing her- that "means" you dont love her anymore or see her as worth the effort. So she will seek attention, "love" and validation elsewhere. When you stop chasing her, she will ultimately "abandon" you and the relationship. Your job is to validate her and when you stop doing that job- she will have no more use for you. She cannot self validate so she will find someone else who will.

I'm sorry that you went through that rollercoaster of a marriage. Her emotions are rollercoaster-like unfortunately; and whomever is around her has to hold on tight for the ride. I am glad that you got out of that situation, and you need to stay out of it. She has a low self awareness level and therefore will unlikely change. Dont let her use you as a backup plan when her other conquests fail. Get yourself into some counseling so that you dont find yourself in another toxic dynamic with a different woman with the same traits.

Borderlines can very be addictive; most of them are very attractive, intelligent, highly emotional and high energy people. They are also impulsive, unstable and unpredictable. The highs feel great, but the lows are devastating, and that's how you may have become trauma bonded. So I understand how you feel and 20 years of the drama, chaos, highs and lows have affected you greatly- hence, my reason for suggesting counseling.

I spent 21 years with my narcissistic ex husband because he always chased and validated me. He jumped through hoops to please me, and I still cant get rid of him. So I understand the push/pull dynamic that you were in all those years.

Take this time to focus on yourself and figure out why you found her toxicity so appealing.

I have plenty of codependent or narcissistic exes that have tried to "come back" to me over the years. Unpredictable and complicated women like us with various mood/ personalites are never boring-- and often fun to be around. Our unpredictability keeps men guessing and on their toes at all times. Bpds are free spirits. They have seen and done a lot in their lives so they have plenty of stories to tell. Those constant highs and lows produce hormones in the brain that are often likened to drug addictions. So I understand that you need time alone to decompress and recover. Good luck to you.

OP, I think this is great insight from smJackson, given that she has been diagnosed with BPD herself. It is highly rare for a person who has been actually diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder to have the insight to not only admit it, but to openly talk about it, and from such a place of understanding. smJackson isn't the focus of this thread, but I want to point out how much this post resonated with me, as I hope it will with you, OP.

She is giving you great insight as to the mind of your ex, and the "jump through hoops" games that they play. As I had said earlier, think back into your childhood, as to who exhibited these characteristics, which will lead you to your why. Understanding this is the key that will unlock the why, which will help move you to your next place, which is recognizing the signs so that you can stay where you are, instead of becoming wrapped up in another web of this, with someone else.

With smJackson saying she has a lot of narcissistic exes, I completely relate. It wasn't until I got some good therapy and understanding that I realized just why I was so attracted to narcs/BPD's, and what was keeping me stuck there. There is so much info out there on the internet, plus so many great therapists, that can help you with this, and you feel this sense of peace.....this balloon floating away, when you finally find the key that opens up your understanding. Yes, the word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot, as does "BPD", but there is so much new understanding with these disorders, as Cluster B stuff is being rewritten, as we speak. It's the understanding, figuring out your "why", that will move you to a new, sane place.