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Thread: What type of personality disorder is this:

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    There is no understanding. Be glad you got out. Period.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with Holly. Good for you for moving on and getting a second divorce. Enough is enough. Move on and focus on being a good dad. Stop questioning what kind of crazy this is. Focus on your own crazy and get better soon, move forwards, tackle your own weaknesses, grow stronger. You do not grow stronger by putting someone else down or trying to tear someone else down. Their foibles will take care of them. You just focus on yourself and how to outgrow this relationship permanently.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    I am not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination and, although I have no idea of what type of personality disorder this is, I can definitely say that she is a profoundly mentally ill person (sorry). Her behaviour is so ridiculously out of line towards everyone. I'd be very afraid if I were you. I can relate as to why you'd want to save your marriage because at some level you love(?)/care for her but you are not being realistic . No one deserves to be treated this way!!! This woman desperately needs help and it is beyond your power to do that. IMHO, she should be committed or, at the very least, get some anger management help. She is verbally and emotionally abusive. Why on God's green earth are you allowing her to treat you this way??????

    Your divorce will be the best thing that will happen to you in the near future. Trust me. Been there, done that (although my situation was nowhere near what yours was/is). Please, do your best to be kind to yourself and heal from this horrible situation, OP. I know it's vry hard but take baby steps and one day at a time, and you will get there. Hang in there, OK? Sending you some virtual hugs.
    Thanks. Iím focused on myself and hanging in there.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Honestly, the answer might be that she is not mentally ill - some people are just mean or have learned to belittle people and are abusive - possibly because they were abused themselves.

    The bigger question is - where were your boundaries this whole time? Why did you accept this behavior early on instead of "nexting" her. Its easy to place the blame and be the "sweet, poor man" who had a horrid wife, but the responsibilty or accepting and pursuing her lies with you as well. And you were very quick to get married. AND you went back for marriage #2...that is what you really need to examine.

    I was in a abusive marriage and though I didn't deserve abuse, I accepted and processed why i would accept an abusive person initially. You should do the same instead of "diagnosing" her.
    This this this.

    Iím not even clear what the question is, this reads more like a journal entry, thereís zero introspection, just a retelling from your point of view. Which is incredibly cathartic so I get it, get it all out, itís early and this was a long marriage, just try your best not to stay here.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DKA
    It ended about 3 months ago and spanned 20 years. Divorce will be finalized in about a month.
    Are you in therapy for codependency and your PTSD?

    It very much sounds like your ex has borderline personality disorder. There are forums for those with BPD and for those who have unfortunately been weaved into their emotional spider web. You would do well to supplement this forum with one of them so that you are talking with people who have been there, done that. A google search will lead you to BPD forums.

    Sorry this went on in your life for so long. I hope it didn't affect your child in anyway. I also hope you have made it impossible for her to get through to you and that you have deleted all means of getting in contact with her. Any contact should be made through your lawyer so that you can thoroughly withdrawl from your addiction to her.

  7. #16
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    Why on Gods green earth are you trying to diagnose her? its irrelevant, youve wasted 20 years chasing the fantasy of someone who doesnt exist. Since youve never been over her you've never been open to the love of someone far more suited. What a waste of life, you only get one.

    You need to cut her out of your life to the point where you couldnt contact her even if you wanted to. Move to another country.... anything to escape.

    There will be no great epiphany, there will be no happy ending, there will definitely be no explanation or apology. This isnt the movies buddy, theres nothing but pain at the end of this story!!!
    Can you imagine where you would be if you had committed that 20 years of energy to something more fruitful like your career or a family or even a musical instrument.

    Your first and only concern in life is to escape this self destructive pattern, and after 20 years this is more than a habit, this is worse than a heroin addiction, its in your DNA now. If you dont get some help this will consume your entire life and you'll die with a very sad story.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Bobby987
    Why on Gods green earth are you trying to diagnose her? its irrelevant, youve wasted 20 years chasing the fantasy of someone who doesnt exist. Since youve never been over her you've never been open to the love of someone far more suited. What a waste of life, you only get one.

    You need to cut her out of your life to the point where you couldnt contact her even if you wanted to. Move to another country.... anything to escape.

    There will be no great epiphany, there will be no happy ending, there will definitely be no explanation or apology. This isnt the movies buddy, theres nothing but pain at the end of this story!!!
    Can you imagine where you would be if you had committed that 20 years of energy to something more fruitful like your career or a family or even a musical instrument.

    Your first and only concern in life is to escape this self destructive pattern, and after 20 years this is more than a habit, this is worse than a heroin addiction, its in your DNA now. If you dont get some help this will consume your entire life and you'll die with a very sad story.
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Are you in therapy for codependency and your PTSD?

    It very much sounds like your ex has borderline personality disorder. There are forums for those with BPD and for those who have unfortunately been weaved into their emotional spider web. You would do well to supplement this forum with one of them so that you are talking with people who have been there, done that. A google search will lead you to BPD forums.



    Sorry this went on in your life for so long. I hope it didn't affect your child in anyway. I also hope you have made it impossible for her to get through to you and that you have deleted all means of getting in contact with her. Any contact should be made through your lawyer so that you can thoroughly withdrawl from your addiction to her.
    Yes, I am in therapy and working through all of the issues others have mentioned regarding my [lack of] boundaries, what brought me into the relationship to begin with, why I stayed, etc. I know more about fundamentalist religion and psychology than I ever wanted to learn unfortunately, but believe I'm healing well and building up a support network. FWIW, writing this down in one bulk sitting was eye opening. One incident in and of itself isn't a big deal, but as a whole is crazy. I see that. Trust me when I say this was the tip of the iceberg. But it happens in such an insidious manner over time that its exhausting. Ironically, I built a successfully career over those past 20 years, so I have no regrets about having sacrificed that at least.
    Contact has been broken completely. I have maintained a good relationship with my adult child and adult step-children.

  9. #18
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    Here's the thing about diagnosing her disorder, and how it's relevant for you, and what you should be discovering in therapy: Who in your life (parent, etc.) does this remind you of? Is there anyone else in your life for whom you have walked on eggshells, or been impossible to please?

    The thing about trying to figure out the disorder of the person you're with is that very often, we stay with them to try and fix what was broken from childhood. So if you don't get to the root of that childhood issue, you'll just find another "eggshell" woman, and you'll go through this for the rest of your life.

    I am actually in the camp of yes, it IS important to figure out what was broken in them, but only when we can then use that road to lead us to what's broken in us. Does that make sense?

    So, getting a diagnosis, for her, of BPD, is useful only when we can say, oh wait.....my (dad, mom, uncle, aunt, teacher, etc.) had similar characteristics, and I always felt (useless, helpless, hopeless), which made me feel, as an adult (impossible to please someone, too eager to please, always afraid of that person), which will lead me to (recognizing those characteristics sooner in my next partner, not accepting someone's cr*p, etc.).

    A great therapist can, and should, guide you through this. Otherwise, you're just spinning wheels, trying to figure her out, when it should come back to, figuring yourself out.

    This isn't just "why on earth did you stay this long??? What's wrong with you!!!???". That's an easy statement to make, but it's such a more complicated process, and I do hope your therapist helps you through this.

  10. #19
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    I agree with the other poster whose opinion is that your ex has borderline personality disorder. The drama, the chaos is all normal to her, and she thrives on all of it. I have this disorder myself so I understand some of her actions, others not so much. But what would having a diagnosis on her accomplish? What difference does it really make in the scheme of things?

    She is a cluster B personality, and her wanting you to constantly chase her- (in her disordered mind) shows her that you still love her. When you stop chasing her- that "means" you dont love her anymore or see her as worth the effort. So she will seek attention, "love" and validation elsewhere. When you stop chasing her, she will ultimately "abandon" you and the relationship. Your job is to validate her and when you stop doing that job- she will have no more use for you. She cannot self validate so she will find someone else who will.

    I'm sorry that you went through that rollercoaster of a marriage. Her emotions are rollercoaster-like unfortunately; and whomever is around her has to hold on tight for the ride. I am glad that you got out of that situation, and you need to stay out of it. She has a low self awareness level and therefore will unlikely change. Dont let her use you as a backup plan when her other conquests fail. Get yourself into some counseling so that you dont find yourself in another toxic dynamic with a different woman with the same traits.

    Borderlines can very be addictive; most of them are very attractive, intelligent, highly emotional and high energy people. They are also impulsive, unstable and unpredictable. The highs feel great, but the lows are devastating, and that's how you may have become trauma bonded. So I understand how you feel and 20 years of the drama, chaos, highs and lows have affected you greatly- hence, my reason for suggesting counseling.

    I spent 21 years with my narcissistic ex husband because he always chased and validated me. He jumped through hoops to please me, and I still cant get rid of him. So I understand the push/pull dynamic that you were in all those years.

    Take this time to focus on yourself and figure out why you found her toxicity so appealing.

    I have plenty of codependent or narcissistic exes that have tried to "come back" to me over the years. Unpredictable and complicated women like us with various mood/ personalites are never boring-- and often fun to be around. Our unpredictability keeps men guessing and on their toes at all times. Bpds are free spirits. They have seen and done a lot in their lives so they have plenty of stories to tell. Those constant highs and lows produce hormones in the brain that are often likened to drug addictions. So I understand that you need time alone to decompress and recover. Good luck to you.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I have had plenty of narcissistic and codependent exes
    Smjackson, do you really not realize what this statement truly means?

    For an individual to have Ďplentyí of narcissistic or codependent exes means youíre either attracting them to you or youíre attracted to them.

    Thatís super bad!

    So while you delve into google labeling them you waste your time, not solving the real issue.

    I know this without a shadow of doubt it is an absolute fact, wanna know how?

    Cause if you actually learned anything from all this research you wouldnít go right back to another narcissist or codependent.

    See how youíre just kinda wrapped up in all this and not focusing on what you can control? Yourself?

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