I need a little pick me up..

So... she broke up with me and blocked me... im not exactly devastated... maybe it is for the best. In the past 12 months, she hurted me a lot with some nasty words when she was emotional. Deep down, i miss her and wish she would treat me better... but i do feel strong enough to let her go. At least for now. What Im trying to say is that im affraid somewhere down the road i‘ll start missing her too much... and i cant and neither should lie when it comes to my feelings: sometimes i catch myself thinking she will come back. And i do miss the good times.

When someone doesn't treat you the way you ought to be treated, it's time to close that chapter. Both of you have broken up. Focus on your healing. Be around people who uplift you and encourage you to be a better version of yourself and overcome this break up. We have all been there.

"In the past 12 months, she hurted me a lot with some nasty words when she was emotional"

Somewhere down the road - remember this!

"I was with someone for a year. This person would breakup with me almost every week, and would always say she didnt love me anymore etc. after a few days, she would return saying that she does this type of thing because she gets really scared and she loves me a lot...

Well, it was like this for a year. Now, she is saying that she do not wish to keep any form of contact and is not in love with me anymore. But after one year of this torture, is so hard to believe and accept that this time can be for real. Any thoughts? Anyone ever been thru something like this? Please, help me understand because i feel deeply confused."

I think you should address why you would want to return to this toxic dynamic. Have you sought therapy for your self esteem issues? You need to address what attracts you to this.

The healthy thing to do, would be to block and delete this woman, and address your own issues.

Yes, i am in therapy... and... i must say... whenever i see a grumpy and mean woman... i feel atraction... how screwed up am i? Be honest

Yes, i am in therapy... and... i must say... whenever i see a grumpy and mean woman... i feel atraction... how screwed up am i? Be honest

I don't think you're screwed up.

Are you sure you mean what you just said? Meaning: Are "grumpy" and "mean" qualities that, in a vacuum, turn you on, get you excited? Do you self-identify as someone into "grumpy" and "mean?"

If not, then you just have some wires crossed. You are finding yourself attracted to women with certain qualities who also seem grumpy and mean, perhaps because your ex, while being grumpy and mean, also had some qualities you found attractive.

What are the qualities you are actually attracted to? I bet they are not negative, but positives.

I don't think you're screwed up.

 

Are you sure you mean what you just said? Meaning: Are "grumpy" and "mean" qualities that, in a vacuum, turn you on, get you excited? Do you self-identify as someone into "grumpy" and "mean?"

 

If not, then you just have some wires crossed. You are finding yourself attracted to women with certain qualities who also seem grumpy and mean, perhaps because your ex, while being grumpy and mean, also had some qualities you found attractive.

 

What are the qualities you are actually attracted to? I bet they are not negative, but positives.

Wow... maybe you are right and there is hope for me.

I like funny, confident and independent woman. Strong woman. Smart, caring. But i do like complex individuals, people who are not obvious...

But my two exes turned out to be really grumpy and arrogant.

Boom—now we're getting somewhere, as I highly doubt if you and I were sipping wine and talking about the kind of women we like that you'd be all, "Show me mean and grumpy and I just melt!"

We all are going to have certain qualities that we're particularly drawn to, even certain "types" that get the cheeks burning a bit more than other types. All good, no shame. Key is kind of zeroing in on what is truly essential, so we don't edit out some qualities spotted early (say grumpy and mean) to make up for coming across some we seek (say confident and complex). And, yeah, part of zeroing in on that bullseye is by missing the mark here and there.

Some self-confidence is certainly helpful in keeping things focused on that bullseye, so great you're in therapy: where we go to better understand ourselves and find more confidence from that understanding. So lets say (to put this in simple, if crude, terms) my thing is women who are hot, smart, and kind. And come Friday, I meet a woman who is hot and seems smart and kind. By Wednesday smart is confirmed but, alas, by next Friday kind has given way to mean. That's when I go: ugh, but time to move on, rather than moving in, you know?

Your two exes had some of the qualities you like, are drawn to. Cool. Don't try to scarp those, since that will just make you say crazy things like finding grumpy and mean people attractive, when you actually found confident, independent, and complex people attractive. Just also figure out what you don't find attractive—i.e. what you also need to feel full and cherished—so you can walk away from it instead of toward it.

It's right that you ended things up with her. You yourself say that you are not devastated, so you actually feel relieved that you are not together anymore. She was nasty, you say and you always fought. When you miss her, think about the times when she was verbally abusing you. Think about the bad times. If you still miss her after thinking about the reasons for breaking up with her, then just allow yourslef to miss her. Missing someone you have had a relationship with is normal and natural. You miss her, so be it. But do not use the feeling as a reason to get back with her.

Just let yourself feel the full range of emotions that come with a breakup. Allow yourself to feel, because this is the only way you would heal. If you are sad, then be sad. If you feel wistful, then so be it. But do not act on the feeling. Feel it, but do not hold on to it. One day you will just realize that you do not feel anything for her anymore. You would remember her, but not the feelings associated with her. Then you will know that you have fully healed. Good luck.

Guys, thank you so much for your replies. It has really helped me... but im missing her like crazy right now... and really sad cause she probably isnt feeling the same

You're welcome... vent here on the forum. Don't text or contact her (not a good idea). Are you meeting new people? Going out, trying new things? I don't mean dating either - more along the lines of hobbies/interests and making new friends.

You're welcome... vent here on the forum. Don't text or contact her (not a good idea). Are you meeting new people? Going out, trying new things? I don't mean dating either - more along the lines of hobbies/interests and making new friends.

Not yet! The breakup was monday and during the week i am currently very busy, last semester of college... anyway... tomorrow i will go out with some friends... but no one new. Maybe i should meet new people on my free time. I dont feel ready yet, but i guess steping out of my comfort zone will help..

Not yet! The breakup was monday and during the week i am currently very busy, last semester of college... anyway... tomorrow i will go out with some friends... but no one new. Maybe i should meet new people on my free time. I dont feel ready yet, but i guess steping out of my comfort zone will help..

It's ok - don't feel rushed or pressured to do anything. Everything in time. Slow and steady is much better than zipping around in circles. Good job staying focused with school. Keep it up. Don't let your grades fall and pay attention in class. Don't disconnect or let things slide. It's easy to get lost in the way we feel or lose sleep over a break up. I wasn't aware the break up was only on Monday. This is only a few days and very fresh. Let things sink in. Hang out with the people you know and don't falter from your regular routines either (ie. classes, meal times, exercise etc). Meeting new people will come in time when you feel ready.