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Girlfriend refriending her ex on fbook (but it's not that simple)


maaatt

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So I've had a lot of trouble getting over something my girlfriend has done recently. She refriended a former fwb guy on her facebook... The week after her and I decided to become official bf/gf. Here's how the plot thickens:

 

Three years ago I worked at the same place as my gf and this other guy - we'll call him Rodrigo. My gf at the time had been in a long relationship with someone for like 3 years but then cheated on that person with Rodrigo. Rodrigo had a rep at my work for being a player and preying on girls. My gf ended up finally breaking up with her bf a month later and kept up some fwb deal with Rodrigo until he moved out of the country. They were basically best friends. Would hang out together, eat out, go to concerts, texting all the time and sleeping over at each other's places. She says "we never dated. We were just fwb." Though at one point Rodrigo asked her to be "exclusive fwb." So what the difference is between that and being in a relationship is who knows lol?

 

Well, they inevitably had a tumultuous, off and on again fwb thing, with him going back and forth between my gf to an ex gf. She says he didn't mean much to her but I've seen old Instagram posts of her looking sad and emo and posting sad love song lyrics so I know there were feelings involved. And when I asked her why they ended things, she said because he moved. So it's not as if my gf finally said, "Enough with the phony fwb bs" and left him for good. No, it just ended when he moved.

 

So, three years ago, at one point right in the middle of their almost year long fwb thing, when I assumed my gf was single at the time was single (I didn't really pay attention to all this drama back then lol), I had asked her out. Actually I think I had to ask her like 10 times and she fiiiiiinally agreed to go out. We went out for dinner one night and it went well and then went out the following night and it was the most disastrous date I'd ever been on. Even when she greeted me she was frowning with arms crossed. And I thought "well this could be rough..." anyways she was so un-engaging the entire night and it got to the point where she was just texting on her phone and not talking to me so I called it an early night. That was one of the only bad dates I've ever had in my life. And it was odd because from chatting with her at work I always thought we'd make a good match.

 

So anyways, we didn't click. She continued on with the fwb Rodrigo until he left for Canada, and then she got back together with her long term bf that she had originally cheated on. That guy of course hated Rodrigo and made her go no contact with Rodrigo. Fast forward to this year. She and Rodrigo no longer work at my job. Though Rodrigo has moved back to our area. I hadn't heard from my gf in at least 2 years. She messaged me earlier this year and revealed she fiiiiinally left her long term bf again. After a couple months texting we met for a date and since then have been a couple for a number of months. The problem (FINALLY lol) is: We had dated for 6 weeks and decided to become officially bf/gf. Well, just days after that happened, she RE-FRIENDED Rodrigo on facebook. It was hard to get it out of her but over time she finally admitted that she did it as kind of a backup plan because she wasn't sure of how much I was into her. Of course she should have just talked to me about this instead of reestablishing contact with this guy.

 

So my issue is... I kinda was always a little butt-hurt over that Rodrigo guy because to me 3 years ago it was like: I wasn't cool enough for her at the time to pursue so she rather decided to keep up whatever fwb thing she had with that guy (who she's said "wasn't a very nice person" and was "two-faced to her" etc..) If she hadn't refriended him I would have never had this newfound retroactive jealousy that I do. Her re-friending him made me revisit how I felt years ago when she "chose" him (not the best way to say it, but you get it...). And really, when I brought her friending him in a calm casual manner she almost immediately blocked him without me even asking. Now maybe that's good that she did the "right" thing... Or maybe it's bad because she knew what she was doing was shady. The other thing that sucks about Rodrigo is that their relationship started with her cheating on her bf with him. It was found in shady behavior. This is not the kind of guy I want my gf in connection with in any way shape or form.

 

So that re-friending thing happened a while ago but it still irks me at times. I feel like there's unresolved feelings there for him. Part of me wishes I dumped her after she refriended him or scaled us back to casual dating so she could go have her heart broken by him again if she wanted to lol. Any thoughts?

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Can I ask how old you both are?

 

My first thoughts, reading all this, is that (a) you don't have a whole lot of respect for your girlfriend and (b) this is a relationship that makes you more insecure than secure. Maybe it's because you had a front row seat to the Rodrigo chapter; maybe it's because you weren't able to chalk up that early date to bad timing rather than a verdict on your coolness; maybe it's because, deep down, you see your girlfriend as easily influenced by men; maybe it's because the foundation of your relationship (in your eyes) is that you've finally "beat" swaggering Rodrigo, and soothed that latent "butt-hurt," rather than that you've finally connected to an amazing human being—or maybe some combination of the above.

 

I don't know. Stuff to mull over, perhaps.

 

But you clearly don't trust her, and that existed before this re-friending incident. I mean, you're doing Instagram deep dives to understand her emotional state years ago, and her relationship with Rodrigo, rather than listening to what she tells you? That's just not good. That, to me, speaks of someone with a suspicious streak, an insecure sense of self that is triggered either by romance or this romance in particular. That, to me, speaks of someone who is kind of shady themselves, and drawn to shade, while also judging others who play some ball in the shade.

 

If you're in a headspace where you're hellbent on getting the "real" story about someone's past, rather than trusting their story, and trusting that it will be shared in time, you've kind of already lost the plot. If you're closely following someone's "friending" activity on FB odds are it's because you don't trust that someone, or yourself, or your connection, or some stew with those unfortunate species dominating. Can only speak for myself, but any relationship that even triggered in me an urge to monitor someone on social media would be a signal to me that I'm not in something great. It almost wouldn't matter what that monitoring "uncovered," because I know who I want to be, and that is not a man devoting spare time to turning my girlfriend's social media accounts into a riddle to solve.

 

I get it, of course. Lots of blurred lines, loose ends, and none of it quite in the rear view mirror. She pinballed from her ex to Rodrigo, then back to her ex, then to you. Still, it's not like you didn't know she had cheated on a boyfriend before you got involved with her—and that she cheated with Rodrigo, then went back to boyfriend, then "fiiiiiinally" ended all that. That's a lot to know about someone's romantic past—you know more about all that than I know about my girlfriend's 10 year marriage, for instance—but it is what it is. You can't be both turned off and repelled by a little shade that you have a hand in. You're either secure in all that, or not. I don't think you were prior to this re-friending moment.

 

As for the re-friending? I'm of mixed minds. He was someone she considered a friend, along with benefits, and she had blocked him not for you, or even for herself, but for an ex-boyfriend. That chapter over, she gets a request, and, without thinking much, accepts. Gigantic red flag or a pretty human thing? That's kind of your call. Her immediate willingness to block him when you voiced discomfort? Well, that can be seen as a pretty nice gesture—the two of you creating boundaries, together, that work for both of you. That's kind of what the early days of a relationship are about: building boundaries, sometimes in the wake of jagged incidents like this, so you can continue on the path of building trust and observing how something goes and feels.

 

But I don't think you can quite see it all like that, and that's because I don't think you can quite see your girlfriend as a woman you can trust. You think, fundamentally, that she is shady, rather than someone, like a lot of people, especially young ones, who danced around in the shade for a minute. That might be your own insecurities, that might be your razor sharp intuition—a sense that she's still drawn to the shade, that part of her connection to you is snuffing out the last embers of "feelings" connected to that shady period. Still, I would suggest you stop putting it all on Rodrigo in you mind, as if he's some powerful, awful influence on your girlfriend. He's just a dude, she's just a dudette. It takes two to build a cabin in the shade.

 

Anyhow, if possible, I'd take the lens off of her, Rodrigo, and her social media for a minute and train it back on yourself. Do you think this is someone you can feel secure with? Do you think you can observe that question a bit, without reacting to it, while exploring what is still a very new romance? Do you think you can just tap the brakes a bit rather than skidding and screeching around? Or do you think this all too much—bad timing, basically—to try to build something inside?

 

Those questions are your friends right now. Answering them will give you more answers than trying to solve the riddle of her.

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Why in the world would you choose to date her! You know that she cheated on her ex, and had clear feelings for this other dude. Still does.

 

"she finally admitted that she did it as kind of a backup plan because she wasn't sure of how much I was into her." This speaks volumes, and I am quite surprised you did not end things. You need to get your self respect in check, and lose this girl.

 

I agree with Smackie, she is "shady!" You are a filler.

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How long have you been dating? Stop scanning her social media. If this guy intimidates you and makes you this insecure and jealous, don't date at all until you have that under control. Get your ego out of this and dump her if you think she's a floozy.

 

There will always be a Rodrigo here there and everywhere. So get your act together and get a handle on the insecurity. Be confident. Work on that. When you are confident all the Rodrigos of the world won't bother you.

We had dated for 6 weeks and decided to become officially bf/gf. I kinda was always a little butt-hurt over that Rodrigo guy because to me 3 years ago it was like: I wasn't cool enough for her at the time to pursue so she rather decided to keep up whatever fwb thing she had with that guy
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Why did you two suddenly get together and become a couple? She was done with her boyfriend and Rodrigo was out of town? Sounds like you are plan C. I'm a strong believer in that people "shouldn't be defined by their mistakes" but considering she admitted to you that she wanted to keep Rodrigo in her loop "just in case" speaks VOLUMES. Do not waste your time.

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I mean......you've known from the get go that this girl is a cheater. So what do you expect? She bounces from guy to guy, can't be single for a minute and one guy isn't enough. She wants more on the side. I mean....is this good enough for you? You are kind of scraping the very bottom of the barrel here. Where is your self respect?

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Can I ask how old you both are?

 

My first thoughts, reading all this, is that (a) you don't have a whole lot of respect for your girlfriend and (b) this is a relationship that makes you more insecure than secure. Maybe it's because you had a front row seat to the Rodrigo chapter; maybe it's because you weren't able to chalk up that early date to bad timing rather than a verdict on your coolness; maybe it's because, deep down, you see your girlfriend as easily influenced by men; maybe it's because the foundation of your relationship (in your eyes) is that you've finally "beat" swaggering Rodrigo, and soothed that latent "butt-hurt," rather than that you've finally connected to an amazing human being—or maybe some combination of the above.

 

I don't know. Stuff to mull over, perhaps.

 

But you clearly don't trust her, and that existed before this re-friending incident. I mean, you're doing Instagram deep dives to understand her emotional state years ago, and her relationship with Rodrigo, rather than listening to what she tells you? That's just not good. That, to me, speaks of someone with a suspicious streak, an insecure sense of self that is triggered either by romance or this romance in particular. That, to me, speaks of someone who is kind of shady themselves, and drawn to shade, while also judging others who play some ball in the shade.

 

If you're in a headspace where you're hellbent on getting the "real" story about someone's past, rather than trusting their story, and trusting that it will be shared in time, you've kind of already lost the plot. If you're closely following someone's "friending" activity on FB odds are it's because you don't trust that someone, or yourself, or your connection, or some stew with those unfortunate species dominating. Can only speak for myself, but any relationship that even triggered in me an urge to monitor someone on social media would be a signal to me that I'm not in something great. It almost wouldn't matter what that monitoring "uncovered," because I know who I want to be, and that is not a man devoting spare time to turning my girlfriend's social media accounts into a riddle to solve.

 

I get it, of course. Lots of blurred lines, loose ends, and none of it quite in the rear view mirror. She pinballed from her ex to Rodrigo, then back to her ex, then to you. Still, it's not like you didn't know she had cheated on a boyfriend before you got involved with her—and that she cheated with Rodrigo, then went back to boyfriend, then "fiiiiiinally" ended all that. That's a lot to know about someone's romantic past—you know more about all that than I know about my girlfriend's 10 year marriage, for instance—but it is what it is. You can't be both turned off and repelled by a little shade that you have a hand in. You're either secure in all that, or not. I don't think you were prior to this re-friending moment.

 

As for the re-friending? I'm of mixed minds. He was someone she considered a friend, along with benefits, and she had blocked him not for you, or even for herself, but for an ex-boyfriend. That chapter over, she gets a request, and, without thinking much, accepts. Gigantic red flag or a pretty human thing? That's kind of your call. Her immediate willingness to block him when you voiced discomfort? Well, that can be seen as a pretty nice gesture—the two of you creating boundaries, together, that work for both of you. That's kind of what the early days of a relationship are about: building boundaries, sometimes in the wake of jagged incidents like this, so you can continue on the path of building trust and observing how something goes and feels.

 

But I don't think you can quite see it all like that, and that's because I don't think you can quite see your girlfriend as a woman you can trust. You think, fundamentally, that she is shady, rather than someone, like a lot of people, especially young ones, who danced around in the shade for a minute. That might be your own insecurities, that might be your razor sharp intuition—a sense that she's still drawn to the shade, that part of her connection to you is snuffing out the last embers of "feelings" connected to that shady period. Still, I would suggest you stop putting it all on Rodrigo in you mind, as if he's some powerful, awful influence on your girlfriend. He's just a dude, she's just a dudette. It takes two to build a cabin in the shade.

 

Anyhow, if possible, I'd take the lens off of her, Rodrigo, and her social media for a minute and train it back on yourself. Do you think this is someone you can feel secure with? Do you think you can observe that question a bit, without reacting to it, while exploring what is still a very new romance? Do you think you can just tap the brakes a bit rather than skidding and screeching around? Or do you think this all too much—bad timing, basically—to try to build something inside?

 

Those questions are your friends right now. Answering them will give you more answers than trying to solve the riddle of her.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm 38 and she's 26. Though she's only had relationships with 3 people before me. And those guys were not good people according to her. And yes, you're right. I can kindve get wrapped up in things and start overanalyzing to the nth degree. But what I haven't gotten into are other things that made me question her. She had told me originally she broke up with her ex bf in jan and had barely talked to him. Lo and behold she later admitted she had broken up with him but was still seeing him up until I went on a date with her in April (and she slept with him the day before our date lol). But I didn't really hold that against her. We were both single and I was seeing other people and slept with someone that day also. But I wish she hadn't lied. I would have DEFINITELY not gotten exclusive with her so soon. She never had time to process her breakup since there really was no space inbetween. That was some serious monkey branching. Then only 10 days after our first date she said she wanted to be exclusive to cut me off form any other girls I may have been seeing. Which I agreed to. So anyways, she lied about a lottttt of things earlier on (i think it was a coping skill she used to deal with her family and relationship trauma; not that lying is justified..) and so it just made my suspiciousness grow over time i guess.

 

Well the Rodrigo thing from years ago wouldnt have bothered me... if she hadnt refriended him (and he didn't send the request. SHE sent it to HIM lol). I had figured what was in the past was done and that since shed finally get to date me for a time and see the real me and all that that what happened in 2016 wouldn't matter. BUT... to refirend Rodrigo it just like opened up an old wound from 2016. I just was thinking, ok... what am i lacking here for you to need to reconnect with this supposed douchey guy..?? I think it was that she had her ex completely out of the picture and needed a backup because she wasnt completely sure of me since I was dating people before her and I got together. Shes very insecure in general.

 

As for trusting... It's tough. She's shown a capacity to lie. Though, she has improved in the months we've been together (or gotten better at lying jk). I think I've been a good influence on her in some way at least lol. And I do put some importance on the Rodrigo person because it just seemed that all that she said about him to me initially wasnt really the truth. I dunno. My gut just gives me a warning signal. Oh and I never knew about her being a cheater and chronic monkeybrancher before I dated her. She kindve revealed those things during discussions we've had. I just wish I had known she was fresh out of her long term bf relationship so we could have dated casually for a while at first.

 

One of the things that people always say is "well, how does the person treat you in real life?" And, yes, she treats me very well and we get along great. I just have fear of putting an investment into someone that might have lingering feelings for someone else still. And I'm the complete opposite of her longterm ex bf. He was all about controlling her and winning her back like she was some object to be owned. Rather, I'm all about "if you don't like me, let's just cut our losses and move on..." Because i'm not afraid to end things to find someone that truly is into me. I don't try to convince someone to stay with me.

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Why did you two suddenly get together and become a couple? She was done with her boyfriend and Rodrigo was out of town? Sounds like you are plan C. I'm a strong believer in that people "shouldn't be defined by their mistakes" but considering she admitted to you that she wanted to keep Rodrigo in her loop "just in case" speaks VOLUMES. Do not waste your time.

 

It was 10 days after our first date she kindve lasso'd me into being exclusive with her so I would see other girls. Yeah, I think she was finally done with her bf and Rodrigo lives around 4 hours away and has a gf.. So I don't think he's a viable option. Though I know she did not want to be with the long term bf anymore. He never wanted to lose her and she dumped him for me.

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I mean......you've known from the get go that this girl is a cheater. So what do you expect? She bounces from guy to guy, can't be single for a minute and one guy isn't enough. She wants more on the side. I mean....is this good enough for you? You are kind of scraping the very bottom of the barrel here. Where is your self respect?

 

Unfortunately I didn't know any of that stuff like the cheating and bouncing from guy to guy until we were dating for months.

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So you've been together for just under two months but a week after becoming exclusive she re-friended or rekindled a friendship online (only that we know of) with Rodrigo in Canada, out of country. You've known your now-gf for approx. three years during which time she's been on/off again with Rodrigo after there wasn't enough chemistry on the first date with you two to three years ago. Your relationship with your gf only started about six weeks ago.

 

At least you know about R at all. I don't think she's ready for a serious relationship. She's just using you as a safe harbour. It's what she does (you, her ex-bf). Serial monogamist with benefits to offer to other parties. Patterns, man. Let go.

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How long have you been dating? Stop scanning her social media. If this guy intimidates you and makes you this insecure and jealous, don't date at all until you have that under control. Get your ego out of this and dump her if you think she's a floozy.

 

There will always be a Rodrigo here there and everywhere. So get your act together and get a handle on the insecurity. Be confident. Work on that. When you are confident all the Rodrigos of the world won't bother you.

 

I had known she dated him back in the day and it didn't bug me. I actually didn't even bring him up for the first 6 weeks we dated. It was only after she re-friended him that I got insecure about it. I mean it's not like an ego thing where I need to win some victory. I actually truly think she might be more into him and if that's the case, it wouldn't crush me. I don't try to force people to choose me. I know there would be other more suitable people out there if that's the case.

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So you've been together for just under two months but a week after becoming exclusive she re-friended or rekindled a friendship online (only that we know of) with Rodrigo in Canada, out of country. You've known your now-gf for approx. three years during which time she's been on/off again with Rodrigo after there wasn't enough chemistry on the first date with you two to three years ago. Your relationship with your gf only started about six weeks ago.

 

At least you know about R at all. I don't think she's ready for a serious relationship. She's just using you as a safe harbour. It's what she does (you, her ex-bf). Serial monogamist with benefits to offer to other parties. Patterns, man. Let go.

 

We've actually been together since April. Became bf/gf in late May. Rodrigo left for Canada in 2016 and that ended thier tryst. But he moved back to town (though 4 hours away from us) in 2018. So he's close enough lol

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We've actually been together since April. Became bf/gf in late May. Rodrigo left for Canada in 2016 and that ended thier tryst. But he moved back to town (though 4 hours away from us) in 2018. So he's close enough lol

 

Yeah, no.

Sorry. I'm married. Wouldn't have it any other way. Happily married also. This isn't the trajectory that happily marrieds take on the way to a happy marriage. Just be realistic about what you're getting into. If you like her, date her for awhile. Get it out of your system and enjoy each others' company. If you're into something more serious, this is catch and release eventually.

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Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself. You think you deserve a woman who has been a cheater (those are her ethics. What epiphany has changed to make her moral compass do a 360?). You are choosing a woman who is immature and self centered as to maintain an inappropriate connection with a past FWB just so she'll have a pacifier handy if her bf dumps her.

 

What are you doing, playing around with girls, when you're 38 and should have the maturity and life experience to choose more wisely, grown-ass women instead of low-life girls? What's the longest relationship you've had? Why did it end? Perhaps you should be single for a while to work on your self esteem, and to come up with a must-have and dealbreaker list, and stick to it. Until you value yourself, you will continue to make the worst possible choices.

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Alright, herewith some observations. Buckle up—they may sting, but do know I'm on your side.

 

So, what am I seeing? I'm seeing you, at a wink from 40, still acting like a 20something on the romantic front and trying to "mature" a 20something into your ideal of a 30something at the expense of your own maturity. You and her are basically the same, in short. Except she's got one thing on you: a dozen years to grow up, and out of, whatever slippery and shady juncture in life she's in right now. You, at the dawn of middle age, are at risk of growing into it.

 

I'm not saying every 26-year-old is doing the toe-step in the shade, but this one is, clear as day. I could have been her Rodrigo at 26, and I suspect you've been a Rodrigo here and there on your journey. Sh*t young people do before growing up. Thing is, you are positioning yourself (in your mind) as the anti-Rodrigo, at 38, while at least kinda sorta full well knowing you are more like another Rodrigo. No, you don't like that idea, I know. But c'mon now. She was worried about you being a monkey brancher because you were being a monkey brancher. You were worried about her being a monkey-brancher because she was being a monkey brancher. You're kind of using each other to cancel all that out and inhabit some aspirational version of yourselves, but in the process just further cementing it. Two peas, same pod, one with a dozen more years of life.

 

Playing armchair shrink? I think you're drawn to the idea of "maturing" her at an improbable rate, perhaps because that narrative is more appealing that you being drawn to someone who is young and impressionable rather than someone closer to you in the story of life. I think you think that if you can do that it will provide you with some sense of your own maturity: as the serious, emotionally involved man who is ready for the real thing. But there's a huge hitch in that experiment, and the hitch is that she is 26-year-old woman still sowing some oats, finding herself, getting a tan in the shade. You want to be her light in the cave. But in trying to be that light? You are a man soon to turn 40 going down social media wormholes in order to understand a woman's emotional equilibrium. Have a think on that.

 

You refer to her as insecure, but I think she's also a mirror to your own insecurities. You refer to her ex as controlling—nothing like you!—but here you are trying to control the narrative, frustrated at the places where it doesn't quite dovetail with your ideas and ideals, some of them connected to who you want to be but aren't, not quite. To a woman closer to your age—a woman who did this little toe-step back in a day that feels like a million years ago—you are kind of a dangerous dude yourself: 38 and still swimming in these waters, with loose ends getting tied up with loose ends. To her, I imagine, you're wise and woke. A nice feeling—until, of course, it proves a bit illusory. Right now you are tasting that illusion. Popped right up on your screen in the form of a new FB friend.

 

No judgement, truly. I turn 40 next week. I've swum around in these waters. Could tell you all about my last relationship, but a lot of it boils down to me, at 36, being deeply frustrated with my 24-year-old girlfriend for being a 24-year-old woman who was at a different juncture in life than me. Hard to admit all that, since it meant looking a little closer at where I was treading water instead of growing up, but there was value in finally taking a closer look.

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It sounds like you're not used to dating women 12 years younger than you and this is confusing to you. Are/were you married all this time? She didn't rope you into anything. You wanted to have sex, so you did.

I'm 38 and she's 26. It was 10 days after our first date she kindve lasso'd me into being exclusive with her
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It sounds like you're not used to dating women 12 years younger than you and this is confusing to you. Are/were you married all this time? She didn't rope you into anything. You wanted to have sex, so you did.

 

Well no, I mean the exclusivity thing. We had gone on maybe 3 dates by that point and I told her I had been dating a couple other people recently and she kind of looked at me with big watery doe eyes and said, "Oh but I thought we were exclusive?" And I go, "Um.. How would you think that when we never talked about it? I didn't know if you were seeing other people!" Also, I had posted a pic of me with another girl the day before my current gf and I went on our first date. So she had to know I was seeing people. She just wanted to wrap me up quick. So anyways, when she said that thinking we'd been exclusive since our first date thing, I was like we'll I do like you a lot and if you want to be exclusive that's fine. So that's how it started.

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Well no, I mean the exclusivity thing. We had gone on maybe 3 dates by that point and I told her I had been dating a couple other people recently and she kind of looked at me with big watery doe eyes and said, "Oh but I thought we were exclusive?" And I go, "Um.. How would you think that when we never talked about it? I didn't know if you were seeing other people!" Also, I had posted a pic of me with another girl the day before my current gf and I went on our first date. So she had to know I was seeing people. She just wanted to wrap me up quick. So anyways, when she said that thinking we'd been exclusive since our first date thing, I was like we'll I do like you a lot and if you want to be exclusive that's fine. So that's how it started.

 

Read this again after reading my longer response to you.

 

"Big watery doe eyes"? That is what I mean by lack of respect, and yet those eyes that you are describing in condescending language are the eyes that drew you in. Meanwhile, you're making assumptions about how she read your social media feed, which I think says just as much about the way you read into people's social media feeds, or use your own social media feeds, to court women and get under the skin of women. And this idea of that she "just wanted to wrap me up quick?" Read that again real quick. More condescending, but not without a nice boost to your ego as the stud she wanted to wrap up quick.

 

You have agency too, you know? You are not a doe to be wrapped up by fellow does, or you don't have to be. You also don't have to take it upon yourself to see if you can turn a doe into a deer. There are real deers out there in the forest. Why not do what you need to do to be able to hang with them rather than this song and dance?

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Alright, herewith some observations. Buckle up—they may sting, but do know I'm on your side.

 

So, what am I seeing? I'm seeing you, at a wink from 40, still acting like a 20something on the romantic front and trying to "mature" a 20something into your ideal of a 30something at the expense of your own maturity. You and her are basically the same, in short. Except she's got one thing on you: a dozen years to grow up, and out of, whatever slippery and shady juncture in life she's in right now. You, at the dawn of middle age, are at risk of growing into it.

 

I'm not saying every 26-year-old is doing the toe-step in the shade, but this one is, clear as day. I could have been her Rodrigo at 26, and I suspect you've been a Rodrigo here and there on your journey. Sh*t young people do before growing up. Thing is, you are positioning yourself (in your mind) as the anti-Rodrigo, at 38, while at least kinda sorta full well knowing you are more like another Rodrigo. No, you don't like that idea, I know. But c'mon now. She was worried about you being a monkey brancher because you were being a monkey brancher. You were worried about her being a monkey-brancher because she was being a monkey brancher. You're kind of using each other to cancel all that out and inhabit some aspirational version of yourselves, but in the process just further cementing it. Two peas, same pod, one with a dozen more years of life.

 

Playing armchair shrink? I think you're drawn to the idea of "maturing" her at an improbable rate, perhaps because that narrative is more appealing that you being drawn to someone who is young and impressionable rather than someone closer to you in the story of life. I think you think that if you can do that it will provide you with some sense of your own maturity: as the serious, emotionally involved man who is ready for the real thing. But there's a huge hitch in that experiment, and the hitch is that she is 26-year-old woman still sowing some oats, finding herself, getting a tan in the shade. You want to be her light in the cave. But in trying to be that light? You are a man soon to turn 40 going down social media wormholes in order to understand a woman's emotional equilibrium. Have a think on that.

 

You refer to her as insecure, but I think she's also a mirror to your own insecurities. You refer to her ex as controlling—nothing like you!—but here you are trying to control the narrative, frustrated at the places where it doesn't quite dovetail with your ideas and ideals, some of them connected to who you want to be but aren't, not quite. To a woman closer to your age—a woman who did this little toe-step back in a day that feels like a million years ago—you are kind of a dangerous dude yourself: 38 and still swimming in these waters, with loose ends getting tied up with loose ends. To her, I imagine, you're wise and woke. A nice feeling—until, of course, it proves a bit illusory. Right now you are tasting that illusion. Popped right up on your screen in the form of a new FB friend.

 

No judgement, truly. I turn 40 next week. I've swum around in these waters. Could tell you all about my last relationship, but a lot of it boils down to me, at 36, being deeply frustrated with my 24-year-old girlfriend for being a 24-year-old woman who was at a different juncture in life than me. Hard to admit all that, since it meant looking a little closer at where I was treading water instead of growing up, but there was value in finally taking a closer look.

 

Nice! I think you're spot on with a lot of points. Yes, I've been the Rodrigo and her and I are actually a lot alike in those ways you listed. I'm no saint myself lol. But I will say, the one thing I don't agree with was the "wanting to mature her." She's the one that has progressed our relationship to be more committed and structured. I would have been okay with fwb with her or whatever.. I wasn't really seeking anything specifically. And I'm not one of those nearing-40 and-needing-to-have the kids and settle down ppl. I've never been married or had kids and could have gone through life without doing so.

 

Yes, I can be really insecure. But whereas her ex was dominating, I don't ever set rules or boundaries. I can be incessant with like interrogation type stuff though... Like don't easily let go of issues. Actually when I first heard about her refriending him and she blocked him I said, "Um I never said to block him. Obviously there was a reason you friended him or you wouldn't have. So why don't you just add him again? I don't want you to change yourself just for me." Now of course if she did that I would have been okay with it, though I would have deescalated our relationship and started dating other people also at that point...

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Read this again after reading my longer response to you.

 

"Big watery doe eyes"? That is what I mean by lack of respect, and yet those eyes that you are describing in condescending language are the eyes that drew you in. Meanwhile, you're making assumptions about how she read your social media feed, which I think says just as much about the way you read into people's social media feeds, or use your own social media feeds, to court women and get under the skin of women. And this idea of that she "just wanted to wrap me up quick?" Read that again real quick. More condescending, but not without a nice boost to your ego as the stud she wanted to wrap up quick.

 

You have agency too, you know? You are not a doe to be wrapped up by fellow does, or you don't have to be. You also don't have to take it upon yourself to see if you can turn a doe into a deer. There are real deers out there in the forest. Why not do what you need to do to be able to hang with them rather than this song and dance?

 

Noooo.. I never really scored her social media as thoroughly as I did after I kept seeing that her stories didnt add up. Times and events would change in her stories. So I kind of went back and looked at things for verification. Not that that's healthy. I really only started looking at her old stuff when her history never added up. And yes, I know when a relationship reaches the point of needed to be a pseudoh then really.. what's the point..? Just break up lol..

 

Now the doe eye thing. In my defense - when she did that and looked at me with that forlorn expression and made her voice sound sad-like.. Guess what I found out months later - that just TWO days before she had gone to alehouse for dinner with her longterm ex bf. The one she had been telling me she didn't see or talk to since they broke up months before. And I even said when she said "I thought we were exclusive..." I said, "I didn't know if your were still seeing your ex or anyone else.." So she blatantly lied to my face and acted sad to get me to agree to be exclusive with her. I didn't want to just right out say she can be manipulative at times but.. yeah.

 

Another example (and everyone will jump on her for this because it's pretty messed up). So now we were exclusive and I guess had dated for about a month. We're at her place and we're working on some paint project together. She gets a text, pauses, gets up and sits on her bed. I go, "what's wrong?" She says, "I just got a text from my exbf asking me to have sex with him." She looked really really anxious and disturbed. I go, "okay.. so why don't you tell him you're with some cool guy at the moment?" And she goes, "um.. no. maybe ill just block him." And I go, "So why are you so upset?" She says, "Well when we were broken up but still living together and I was dating Rodrigo, he (the ex) got jealous I was sleeping with Rodrigo so he raped me. And him messaging me about sex just reminds me that I'm not a sex object." So I actually felt really bad for her about that. Well, turns out, she admitted months later that she had been sleeping with her ex regularly when they broke up and even slept together the day BEFORE her and I's first date lol!!! So when I found that out I say, "Hey remember when you got upset when your ex texted you for sex? Why did that upset you?" And she goes, "um.. I don't remember." I said, "Um you told me it reminded of when he raped you....How can you say that when yall were still having sex after you broke up??" She goes, "Oh... I was only telling you that stuff to try and make you jealous."

 

I didn't want to say the above story because it's so so not right. Using rape to make a bf get jealous is so low. But I'm just trying to relay how she can be.. Sorry about the doe eyed thing. But she does have big pretty eyes ;)

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