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Thread: Girlfriend refriending her ex on fbook (but it's not that simple)

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend refriending her ex on fbook (but it's not that simple)

    So I've had a lot of trouble getting over something my girlfriend has done recently. She refriended a former fwb guy on her facebook... The week after her and I decided to become official bf/gf. Here's how the plot thickens:

    Three years ago I worked at the same place as my gf and this other guy - we'll call him Rodrigo. My gf at the time had been in a long relationship with someone for like 3 years but then cheated on that person with Rodrigo. Rodrigo had a rep at my work for being a player and preying on girls. My gf ended up finally breaking up with her bf a month later and kept up some fwb deal with Rodrigo until he moved out of the country. They were basically best friends. Would hang out together, eat out, go to concerts, texting all the time and sleeping over at each other's places. She says "we never dated. We were just fwb." Though at one point Rodrigo asked her to be "exclusive fwb." So what the difference is between that and being in a relationship is who knows lol?

    Well, they inevitably had a tumultuous, off and on again fwb thing, with him going back and forth between my gf to an ex gf. She says he didn't mean much to her but I've seen old Instagram posts of her looking sad and emo and posting sad love song lyrics so I know there were feelings involved. And when I asked her why they ended things, she said because he moved. So it's not as if my gf finally said, "Enough with the phony fwb bs" and left him for good. No, it just ended when he moved.

    So, three years ago, at one point right in the middle of their almost year long fwb thing, when I assumed my gf was single at the time was single (I didn't really pay attention to all this drama back then lol), I had asked her out. Actually I think I had to ask her like 10 times and she fiiiiiinally agreed to go out. We went out for dinner one night and it went well and then went out the following night and it was the most disastrous date I'd ever been on. Even when she greeted me she was frowning with arms crossed. And I thought "well this could be rough..." anyways she was so un-engaging the entire night and it got to the point where she was just texting on her phone and not talking to me so I called it an early night. That was one of the only bad dates I've ever had in my life. And it was odd because from chatting with her at work I always thought we'd make a good match.

    So anyways, we didn't click. She continued on with the fwb Rodrigo until he left for Canada, and then she got back together with her long term bf that she had originally cheated on. That guy of course hated Rodrigo and made her go no contact with Rodrigo. Fast forward to this year. She and Rodrigo no longer work at my job. Though Rodrigo has moved back to our area. I hadn't heard from my gf in at least 2 years. She messaged me earlier this year and revealed she fiiiiinally left her long term bf again. After a couple months texting we met for a date and since then have been a couple for a number of months. The problem (FINALLY lol) is: We had dated for 6 weeks and decided to become officially bf/gf. Well, just days after that happened, she RE-FRIENDED Rodrigo on facebook. It was hard to get it out of her but over time she finally admitted that she did it as kind of a backup plan because she wasn't sure of how much I was into her. Of course she should have just talked to me about this instead of reestablishing contact with this guy.

    So my issue is... I kinda was always a little butt-hurt over that Rodrigo guy because to me 3 years ago it was like: I wasn't cool enough for her at the time to pursue so she rather decided to keep up whatever fwb thing she had with that guy (who she's said "wasn't a very nice person" and was "two-faced to her" etc..) If she hadn't refriended him I would have never had this newfound retroactive jealousy that I do. Her re-friending him made me revisit how I felt years ago when she "chose" him (not the best way to say it, but you get it...). And really, when I brought her friending him in a calm casual manner she almost immediately blocked him without me even asking. Now maybe that's good that she did the "right" thing... Or maybe it's bad because she knew what she was doing was shady. The other thing that sucks about Rodrigo is that their relationship started with her cheating on her bf with him. It was found in shady behavior. This is not the kind of guy I want my gf in connection with in any way shape or form.

    So that re-friending thing happened a while ago but it still irks me at times. I feel like there's unresolved feelings there for him. Part of me wishes I dumped her after she refriended him or scaled us back to casual dating so she could go have her heart broken by him again if she wanted to lol. Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You make a shady girl your gf you are going to find out she's a shady gf.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    Do you live in a small village and can't meet other women? All this trouble for a woman that doesn't really seem to like you based on what you mentioned.

    Meet somebody that really likes you and won't befriend ex.

    Sounds like GF is in love with Rodrigo.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you both are?

    My first thoughts, reading all this, is that (a) you don't have a whole lot of respect for your girlfriend and (b) this is a relationship that makes you more insecure than secure. Maybe it's because you had a front row seat to the Rodrigo chapter; maybe it's because you weren't able to chalk up that early date to bad timing rather than a verdict on your coolness; maybe it's because, deep down, you see your girlfriend as easily influenced by men; maybe it's because the foundation of your relationship (in your eyes) is that you've finally "beat" swaggering Rodrigo, and soothed that latent "butt-hurt," rather than that you've finally connected to an amazing human being—or maybe some combination of the above.

    I don't know. Stuff to mull over, perhaps.

    But you clearly don't trust her, and that existed before this re-friending incident. I mean, you're doing Instagram deep dives to understand her emotional state years ago, and her relationship with Rodrigo, rather than listening to what she tells you? That's just not good. That, to me, speaks of someone with a suspicious streak, an insecure sense of self that is triggered either by romance or this romance in particular. That, to me, speaks of someone who is kind of shady themselves, and drawn to shade, while also judging others who play some ball in the shade.

    If you're in a headspace where you're hellbent on getting the "real" story about someone's past, rather than trusting their story, and trusting that it will be shared in time, you've kind of already lost the plot. If you're closely following someone's "friending" activity on FB odds are it's because you don't trust that someone, or yourself, or your connection, or some stew with those unfortunate species dominating. Can only speak for myself, but any relationship that even triggered in me an urge to monitor someone on social media would be a signal to me that I'm not in something great. It almost wouldn't matter what that monitoring "uncovered," because I know who I want to be, and that is not a man devoting spare time to turning my girlfriend's social media accounts into a riddle to solve.

    I get it, of course. Lots of blurred lines, loose ends, and none of it quite in the rear view mirror. She pinballed from her ex to Rodrigo, then back to her ex, then to you. Still, it's not like you didn't know she had cheated on a boyfriend before you got involved with her—and that she cheated with Rodrigo, then went back to boyfriend, then "fiiiiiinally" ended all that. That's a lot to know about someone's romantic past—you know more about all that than I know about my girlfriend's 10 year marriage, for instance—but it is what it is. You can't be both turned off and repelled by a little shade that you have a hand in. You're either secure in all that, or not. I don't think you were prior to this re-friending moment.

    As for the re-friending? I'm of mixed minds. He was someone she considered a friend, along with benefits, and she had blocked him not for you, or even for herself, but for an ex-boyfriend. That chapter over, she gets a request, and, without thinking much, accepts. Gigantic red flag or a pretty human thing? That's kind of your call. Her immediate willingness to block him when you voiced discomfort? Well, that can be seen as a pretty nice gesture—the two of you creating boundaries, together, that work for both of you. That's kind of what the early days of a relationship are about: building boundaries, sometimes in the wake of jagged incidents like this, so you can continue on the path of building trust and observing how something goes and feels.

    But I don't think you can quite see it all like that, and that's because I don't think you can quite see your girlfriend as a woman you can trust. You think, fundamentally, that she is shady, rather than someone, like a lot of people, especially young ones, who danced around in the shade for a minute. That might be your own insecurities, that might be your razor sharp intuition—a sense that she's still drawn to the shade, that part of her connection to you is snuffing out the last embers of "feelings" connected to that shady period. Still, I would suggest you stop putting it all on Rodrigo in you mind, as if he's some powerful, awful influence on your girlfriend. He's just a dude, she's just a dudette. It takes two to build a cabin in the shade.

    Anyhow, if possible, I'd take the lens off of her, Rodrigo, and her social media for a minute and train it back on yourself. Do you think this is someone you can feel secure with? Do you think you can observe that question a bit, without reacting to it, while exploring what is still a very new romance? Do you think you can just tap the brakes a bit rather than skidding and screeching around? Or do you think this all too much—bad timing, basically—to try to build something inside?

    Those questions are your friends right now. Answering them will give you more answers than trying to solve the riddle of her.

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  6. #5
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    Why in the world would you choose to date her! You know that she cheated on her ex, and had clear feelings for this other dude. Still does.

    "she finally admitted that she did it as kind of a backup plan because she wasn't sure of how much I was into her." This speaks volumes, and I am quite surprised you did not end things. You need to get your self respect in check, and lose this girl.

    I agree with Smackie, she is "shady!" You are a filler.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? Stop scanning her social media. If this guy intimidates you and makes you this insecure and jealous, don't date at all until you have that under control. Get your ego out of this and dump her if you think she's a floozy.

    There will always be a Rodrigo here there and everywhere. So get your act together and get a handle on the insecurity. Be confident. Work on that. When you are confident all the Rodrigos of the world won't bother you.
    Originally Posted by maaatt
    We had dated for 6 weeks and decided to become officially bf/gf. I kinda was always a little butt-hurt over that Rodrigo guy because to me 3 years ago it was like: I wasn't cool enough for her at the time to pursue so she rather decided to keep up whatever fwb thing she had with that guy

  8. #7
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    Why did you two suddenly get together and become a couple? She was done with her boyfriend and Rodrigo was out of town? Sounds like you are plan C. I'm a strong believer in that people "shouldn't be defined by their mistakes" but considering she admitted to you that she wanted to keep Rodrigo in her loop "just in case" speaks VOLUMES. Do not waste your time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I mean......you've known from the get go that this girl is a cheater. So what do you expect? She bounces from guy to guy, can't be single for a minute and one guy isn't enough. She wants more on the side. I mean....is this good enough for you? You are kind of scraping the very bottom of the barrel here. Where is your self respect?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can I ask how old you both are?

    My first thoughts, reading all this, is that (a) you don't have a whole lot of respect for your girlfriend and (b) this is a relationship that makes you more insecure than secure. Maybe it's because you had a front row seat to the Rodrigo chapter; maybe it's because you weren't able to chalk up that early date to bad timing rather than a verdict on your coolness; maybe it's because, deep down, you see your girlfriend as easily influenced by men; maybe it's because the foundation of your relationship (in your eyes) is that you've finally "beat" swaggering Rodrigo, and soothed that latent "butt-hurt," rather than that you've finally connected to an amazing human being—or maybe some combination of the above.

    I don't know. Stuff to mull over, perhaps.

    But you clearly don't trust her, and that existed before this re-friending incident. I mean, you're doing Instagram deep dives to understand her emotional state years ago, and her relationship with Rodrigo, rather than listening to what she tells you? That's just not good. That, to me, speaks of someone with a suspicious streak, an insecure sense of self that is triggered either by romance or this romance in particular. That, to me, speaks of someone who is kind of shady themselves, and drawn to shade, while also judging others who play some ball in the shade.

    If you're in a headspace where you're hellbent on getting the "real" story about someone's past, rather than trusting their story, and trusting that it will be shared in time, you've kind of already lost the plot. If you're closely following someone's "friending" activity on FB odds are it's because you don't trust that someone, or yourself, or your connection, or some stew with those unfortunate species dominating. Can only speak for myself, but any relationship that even triggered in me an urge to monitor someone on social media would be a signal to me that I'm not in something great. It almost wouldn't matter what that monitoring "uncovered," because I know who I want to be, and that is not a man devoting spare time to turning my girlfriend's social media accounts into a riddle to solve.

    I get it, of course. Lots of blurred lines, loose ends, and none of it quite in the rear view mirror. She pinballed from her ex to Rodrigo, then back to her ex, then to you. Still, it's not like you didn't know she had cheated on a boyfriend before you got involved with her—and that she cheated with Rodrigo, then went back to boyfriend, then "fiiiiiinally" ended all that. That's a lot to know about someone's romantic past—you know more about all that than I know about my girlfriend's 10 year marriage, for instance—but it is what it is. You can't be both turned off and repelled by a little shade that you have a hand in. You're either secure in all that, or not. I don't think you were prior to this re-friending moment.

    As for the re-friending? I'm of mixed minds. He was someone she considered a friend, along with benefits, and she had blocked him not for you, or even for herself, but for an ex-boyfriend. That chapter over, she gets a request, and, without thinking much, accepts. Gigantic red flag or a pretty human thing? That's kind of your call. Her immediate willingness to block him when you voiced discomfort? Well, that can be seen as a pretty nice gesture—the two of you creating boundaries, together, that work for both of you. That's kind of what the early days of a relationship are about: building boundaries, sometimes in the wake of jagged incidents like this, so you can continue on the path of building trust and observing how something goes and feels.

    But I don't think you can quite see it all like that, and that's because I don't think you can quite see your girlfriend as a woman you can trust. You think, fundamentally, that she is shady, rather than someone, like a lot of people, especially young ones, who danced around in the shade for a minute. That might be your own insecurities, that might be your razor sharp intuition—a sense that she's still drawn to the shade, that part of her connection to you is snuffing out the last embers of "feelings" connected to that shady period. Still, I would suggest you stop putting it all on Rodrigo in you mind, as if he's some powerful, awful influence on your girlfriend. He's just a dude, she's just a dudette. It takes two to build a cabin in the shade.

    Anyhow, if possible, I'd take the lens off of her, Rodrigo, and her social media for a minute and train it back on yourself. Do you think this is someone you can feel secure with? Do you think you can observe that question a bit, without reacting to it, while exploring what is still a very new romance? Do you think you can just tap the brakes a bit rather than skidding and screeching around? Or do you think this all too much—bad timing, basically—to try to build something inside?

    Those questions are your friends right now. Answering them will give you more answers than trying to solve the riddle of her.
    Thanks for your reply. I'm 38 and she's 26. Though she's only had relationships with 3 people before me. And those guys were not good people according to her. And yes, you're right. I can kindve get wrapped up in things and start overanalyzing to the nth degree. But what I haven't gotten into are other things that made me question her. She had told me originally she broke up with her ex bf in jan and had barely talked to him. Lo and behold she later admitted she had broken up with him but was still seeing him up until I went on a date with her in April (and she slept with him the day before our date lol). But I didn't really hold that against her. We were both single and I was seeing other people and slept with someone that day also. But I wish she hadn't lied. I would have DEFINITELY not gotten exclusive with her so soon. She never had time to process her breakup since there really was no space inbetween. That was some serious monkey branching. Then only 10 days after our first date she said she wanted to be exclusive to cut me off form any other girls I may have been seeing. Which I agreed to. So anyways, she lied about a lottttt of things earlier on (i think it was a coping skill she used to deal with her family and relationship trauma; not that lying is justified..) and so it just made my suspiciousness grow over time i guess.

    Well the Rodrigo thing from years ago wouldnt have bothered me... if she hadnt refriended him (and he didn't send the request. SHE sent it to HIM lol). I had figured what was in the past was done and that since shed finally get to date me for a time and see the real me and all that that what happened in 2016 wouldn't matter. BUT... to refirend Rodrigo it just like opened up an old wound from 2016. I just was thinking, ok... what am i lacking here for you to need to reconnect with this supposed douchey guy..?? I think it was that she had her ex completely out of the picture and needed a backup because she wasnt completely sure of me since I was dating people before her and I got together. Shes very insecure in general.

    As for trusting... It's tough. She's shown a capacity to lie. Though, she has improved in the months we've been together (or gotten better at lying jk). I think I've been a good influence on her in some way at least lol. And I do put some importance on the Rodrigo person because it just seemed that all that she said about him to me initially wasnt really the truth. I dunno. My gut just gives me a warning signal. Oh and I never knew about her being a cheater and chronic monkeybrancher before I dated her. She kindve revealed those things during discussions we've had. I just wish I had known she was fresh out of her long term bf relationship so we could have dated casually for a while at first.

    One of the things that people always say is "well, how does the person treat you in real life?" And, yes, she treats me very well and we get along great. I just have fear of putting an investment into someone that might have lingering feelings for someone else still. And I'm the complete opposite of her longterm ex bf. He was all about controlling her and winning her back like she was some object to be owned. Rather, I'm all about "if you don't like me, let's just cut our losses and move on..." Because i'm not afraid to end things to find someone that truly is into me. I don't try to convince someone to stay with me.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by quark
    Why did you two suddenly get together and become a couple? She was done with her boyfriend and Rodrigo was out of town? Sounds like you are plan C. I'm a strong believer in that people "shouldn't be defined by their mistakes" but considering she admitted to you that she wanted to keep Rodrigo in her loop "just in case" speaks VOLUMES. Do not waste your time.
    It was 10 days after our first date she kindve lasso'd me into being exclusive with her so I would see other girls. Yeah, I think she was finally done with her bf and Rodrigo lives around 4 hours away and has a gf.. So I don't think he's a viable option. Though I know she did not want to be with the long term bf anymore. He never wanted to lose her and she dumped him for me.

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