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Thread: Girlfriend refriending her ex on fbook (but it's not that simple)

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like you're not used to dating women 12 years younger than you and this is confusing to you. Are/were you married all this time? She didn't rope you into anything. You wanted to have sex, so you did.
    Well no, I mean the exclusivity thing. We had gone on maybe 3 dates by that point and I told her I had been dating a couple other people recently and she kind of looked at me with big watery doe eyes and said, "Oh but I thought we were exclusive?" And I go, "Um.. How would you think that when we never talked about it? I didn't know if you were seeing other people!" Also, I had posted a pic of me with another girl the day before my current gf and I went on our first date. So she had to know I was seeing people. She just wanted to wrap me up quick. So anyways, when she said that thinking we'd been exclusive since our first date thing, I was like we'll I do like you a lot and if you want to be exclusive that's fine. So that's how it started.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Well....now that you know, what are you going to do? Keep dating a cheater or show some self respect and boot her out?
    I mean.. I can't really judge her on the cheating stuff. I've cheated before. Doesn't mean I want to do that again though.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maaatt
    Well no, I mean the exclusivity thing. We had gone on maybe 3 dates by that point and I told her I had been dating a couple other people recently and she kind of looked at me with big watery doe eyes and said, "Oh but I thought we were exclusive?" And I go, "Um.. How would you think that when we never talked about it? I didn't know if you were seeing other people!" Also, I had posted a pic of me with another girl the day before my current gf and I went on our first date. So she had to know I was seeing people. She just wanted to wrap me up quick. So anyways, when she said that thinking we'd been exclusive since our first date thing, I was like we'll I do like you a lot and if you want to be exclusive that's fine. So that's how it started.
    Read this again after reading my longer response to you.

    "Big watery doe eyes"? That is what I mean by lack of respect, and yet those eyes that you are describing in condescending language are the eyes that drew you in. Meanwhile, you're making assumptions about how she read your social media feed, which I think says just as much about the way you read into people's social media feeds, or use your own social media feeds, to court women and get under the skin of women. And this idea of that she "just wanted to wrap me up quick?" Read that again real quick. More condescending, but not without a nice boost to your ego as the stud she wanted to wrap up quick.

    You have agency too, you know? You are not a doe to be wrapped up by fellow does, or you don't have to be. You also don't have to take it upon yourself to see if you can turn a doe into a deer. There are real deers out there in the forest. Why not do what you need to do to be able to hang with them rather than this song and dance?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Alright, herewith some observations. Buckle up—they may sting, but do know I'm on your side.

    So, what am I seeing? I'm seeing you, at a wink from 40, still acting like a 20something on the romantic front and trying to "mature" a 20something into your ideal of a 30something at the expense of your own maturity. You and her are basically the same, in short. Except she's got one thing on you: a dozen years to grow up, and out of, whatever slippery and shady juncture in life she's in right now. You, at the dawn of middle age, are at risk of growing into it.

    I'm not saying every 26-year-old is doing the toe-step in the shade, but this one is, clear as day. I could have been her Rodrigo at 26, and I suspect you've been a Rodrigo here and there on your journey. Sh*t young people do before growing up. Thing is, you are positioning yourself (in your mind) as the anti-Rodrigo, at 38, while at least kinda sorta full well knowing you are more like another Rodrigo. No, you don't like that idea, I know. But c'mon now. She was worried about you being a monkey brancher because you were being a monkey brancher. You were worried about her being a monkey-brancher because she was being a monkey brancher. You're kind of using each other to cancel all that out and inhabit some aspirational version of yourselves, but in the process just further cementing it. Two peas, same pod, one with a dozen more years of life.

    Playing armchair shrink? I think you're drawn to the idea of "maturing" her at an improbable rate, perhaps because that narrative is more appealing that you being drawn to someone who is young and impressionable rather than someone closer to you in the story of life. I think you think that if you can do that it will provide you with some sense of your own maturity: as the serious, emotionally involved man who is ready for the real thing. But there's a huge hitch in that experiment, and the hitch is that she is 26-year-old woman still sowing some oats, finding herself, getting a tan in the shade. You want to be her light in the cave. But in trying to be that light? You are a man soon to turn 40 going down social media wormholes in order to understand a woman's emotional equilibrium. Have a think on that.

    You refer to her as insecure, but I think she's also a mirror to your own insecurities. You refer to her ex as controlling—nothing like you!—but here you are trying to control the narrative, frustrated at the places where it doesn't quite dovetail with your ideas and ideals, some of them connected to who you want to be but aren't, not quite. To a woman closer to your age—a woman who did this little toe-step back in a day that feels like a million years ago—you are kind of a dangerous dude yourself: 38 and still swimming in these waters, with loose ends getting tied up with loose ends. To her, I imagine, you're wise and woke. A nice feeling—until, of course, it proves a bit illusory. Right now you are tasting that illusion. Popped right up on your screen in the form of a new FB friend.

    No judgement, truly. I turn 40 next week. I've swum around in these waters. Could tell you all about my last relationship, but a lot of it boils down to me, at 36, being deeply frustrated with my 24-year-old girlfriend for being a 24-year-old woman who was at a different juncture in life than me. Hard to admit all that, since it meant looking a little closer at where I was treading water instead of growing up, but there was value in finally taking a closer look.
    Nice! I think you're spot on with a lot of points. Yes, I've been the Rodrigo and her and I are actually a lot alike in those ways you listed. I'm no saint myself lol. But I will say, the one thing I don't agree with was the "wanting to mature her." She's the one that has progressed our relationship to be more committed and structured. I would have been okay with fwb with her or whatever.. I wasn't really seeking anything specifically. And I'm not one of those nearing-40 and-needing-to-have the kids and settle down ppl. I've never been married or had kids and could have gone through life without doing so.

    Yes, I can be really insecure. But whereas her ex was dominating, I don't ever set rules or boundaries. I can be incessant with like interrogation type stuff though... Like don't easily let go of issues. Actually when I first heard about her refriending him and she blocked him I said, "Um I never said to block him. Obviously there was a reason you friended him or you wouldn't have. So why don't you just add him again? I don't want you to change yourself just for me." Now of course if she did that I would have been okay with it, though I would have deescalated our relationship and started dating other people also at that point...

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Read this again after reading my longer response to you.

    "Big watery doe eyes"? That is what I mean by lack of respect, and yet those eyes that you are describing in condescending language are the eyes that drew you in. Meanwhile, you're making assumptions about how she read your social media feed, which I think says just as much about the way you read into people's social media feeds, or use your own social media feeds, to court women and get under the skin of women. And this idea of that she "just wanted to wrap me up quick?" Read that again real quick. More condescending, but not without a nice boost to your ego as the stud she wanted to wrap up quick.

    You have agency too, you know? You are not a doe to be wrapped up by fellow does, or you don't have to be. You also don't have to take it upon yourself to see if you can turn a doe into a deer. There are real deers out there in the forest. Why not do what you need to do to be able to hang with them rather than this song and dance?
    Noooo.. I never really scored her social media as thoroughly as I did after I kept seeing that her stories didnt add up. Times and events would change in her stories. So I kind of went back and looked at things for verification. Not that that's healthy. I really only started looking at her old stuff when her history never added up. And yes, I know when a relationship reaches the point of needed to be a pseudoh then really.. what's the point..? Just break up lol..

    Now the doe eye thing. In my defense - when she did that and looked at me with that forlorn expression and made her voice sound sad-like.. Guess what I found out months later - that just TWO days before she had gone to alehouse for dinner with her longterm ex bf. The one she had been telling me she didn't see or talk to since they broke up months before. And I even said when she said "I thought we were exclusive..." I said, "I didn't know if your were still seeing your ex or anyone else.." So she blatantly lied to my face and acted sad to get me to agree to be exclusive with her. I didn't want to just right out say she can be manipulative at times but.. yeah.

    Another example (and everyone will jump on her for this because it's pretty messed up). So now we were exclusive and I guess had dated for about a month. We're at her place and we're working on some paint project together. She gets a text, pauses, gets up and sits on her bed. I go, "what's wrong?" She says, "I just got a text from my exbf asking me to have sex with him." She looked really really anxious and disturbed. I go, "okay.. so why don't you tell him you're with some cool guy at the moment?" And she goes, "um.. no. maybe ill just block him." And I go, "So why are you so upset?" She says, "Well when we were broken up but still living together and I was dating Rodrigo, he (the ex) got jealous I was sleeping with Rodrigo so he raped me. And him messaging me about sex just reminds me that I'm not a sex object." So I actually felt really bad for her about that. Well, turns out, she admitted months later that she had been sleeping with her ex regularly when they broke up and even slept together the day BEFORE her and I's first date lol!!! So when I found that out I say, "Hey remember when you got upset when your ex texted you for sex? Why did that upset you?" And she goes, "um.. I don't remember." I said, "Um you told me it reminded of when he raped you....How can you say that when yall were still having sex after you broke up??" She goes, "Oh... I was only telling you that stuff to try and make you jealous."

    I didn't want to say the above story because it's so so not right. Using rape to make a bf get jealous is so low. But I'm just trying to relay how she can be.. Sorry about the doe eyed thing. But she does have big pretty eyes ;)

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I, too, am a nearing-40 type who has never been married, never procreated, and who is fine with those things not being part of my life story. I've also worn some un-saintly robes.

    But, just speaking for myself, I don't have much bandwidth for lurking on Instagram feeds or FB pages in order to understand the head- and heartspace of a romantic interested. I get that it's a big thing for the younger set—and for many not-so-young people—but it does't offer me enough juju to be excited or feel like I'm growing into myself. A bit like only watching The CW, when the programming on HBO is a bit more sophisticated, a bit more satisfying.

    A more secure woman—a woman over, say, 35—will not be very patient with the "interrogation type stuff." She will also be inherently less interested in you if you're filling your social media feed with flavors of the month. That won't be compelling or interesting—won't trigger watery doe eyes so much as a shrug and a chuckle.

    So, hey, maybe you need someone who is kind of into all that. Or, hey, you can choose to learn to more easily "let of of issues" so you can discover another way to connect. Or, I don't know, you can maybe learn to forgive whatever un-saintly sh*t you've gotten yourself into in the past so you're not drawn to un-saintly types in the present, and maybe, just maybe, seeing if together you two can find the road to sainthood by continuing to indulge in un-saintly behavior.

    Food for thought, to sample as you desire.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your bait matches your catch.
    Originally Posted by maaatt
    I say, "Hey remember when you got upset when your ex texted you for sex? Why did that upset you?" And she goes, "um.. I don't remember." I said, "Um you told me it reminded of when he raped you....How can you say that when yall were still having sex after you broke up??" She goes, "Oh... I was only telling you that stuff to try and make you jealous."

  9. #28
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    Okay so now that everyone has the basic story. Are you ready for the BOMBSHELL..? I have kept one big detail out. My gf.. is... Pregnant. She was taking birth control and after finding out she was pregnant, in her own words said, "Well I wasn't taking them routinely.." Which is crazy and I've never known a girl that wasn't militant about birth control but... yeah. So to those thinking I was wanting to wife her up.. I think it was maybe the opposite. I was having fun with my fancy free life. And maybe she wanted to lock me dowwwwwn. Because at no point did she want to not have the baby. I also of course was like, "is it mine?" And she called her exbf on speaker to clarify that last time they hooked up. So wasn't him. And I was with her every day for the week of the conception so yep.. Finally a dad. In a very jerry springer situation lol. But I'm excited nonetheless.

    By the time she go preggo, that was back in mid June. I hadnt found out about her lying or the cheating. Though by that time I had dealt with the refriending thing and the bullsht rape story thing she made up that I mentioned in a post above. So I hadn't really decided one way or another about her red flags at the time.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maaatt
    Another example (and everyone will jump on her for this because it's pretty messed up). So now we were exclusive and I guess had dated for about a month. We're at her place and we're working on some paint project together. She gets a text, pauses, gets up and sits on her bed. I go, "what's wrong?" She says, "I just got a text from my exbf asking me to have sex with him." She looked really really anxious and disturbed. I go, "okay.. so why don't you tell him you're with some cool guy at the moment?" And she goes, "um.. no. maybe ill just block him." And I go, "So why are you so upset?" She says, "Well when we were broken up but still living together and I was dating Rodrigo, he (the ex) got jealous I was sleeping with Rodrigo so he raped me. And him messaging me about sex just reminds me that I'm not a sex object." So I actually felt really bad for her about that. Well, turns out, she admitted months later that she had been sleeping with her ex regularly when they broke up and even slept together the day BEFORE her and I's first date lol!!! So when I found that out I say, "Hey remember when you got upset when your ex texted you for sex? Why did that upset you?" And she goes, "um.. I don't remember." I said, "Um you told me it reminded of when he raped you....How can you say that when yall were still having sex after you broke up??" She goes, "Oh... I was only telling you that stuff to try and make you jealous."

    I didn't want to say the above story because it's so so not right. Using rape to make a bf get jealous is so low. But I'm just trying to relay how she can be..
    What you are relaying in the above, my friend, is how you can be. You are relaying that you are easily manipulated by horseplay. When I go grocery shopping the candy aisle does not "manipulate" me. I can choose to stock up on gummy bears or walk past them on the way to the produce aisle, you dig?

    I'm not jumping on you, just kind of turning the light away from her and onto you. I get it. I've got a bit of a sweet tooth. Did I date someone for a hot minute last year, documented on this forum, who went on a kinda real, kinda fake Bumble date to (her words) make me jealous? Yup, I did! Did I breakup immediately after that? Nope, I did not! I nibbled on the candy for another two weeks, but I ain't going to try to frame it differently. And I did know that I wanted more than candy from life, so moving on to the produce aisle wasn't too hard.

    All these words to get to what you already know but don't quite want to admit: You're in the candy aisle. Keep nibbling, but don't think you can nibble it into becoming a salad.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I hope you're trolling with this chapter.

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