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Thread: Girlfriend refriending her ex on fbook (but it's not that simple)

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I mean......you've known from the get go that this girl is a cheater. So what do you expect? She bounces from guy to guy, can't be single for a minute and one guy isn't enough. She wants more on the side. I mean....is this good enough for you? You are kind of scraping the very bottom of the barrel here. Where is your self respect?
    Unfortunately I didn't know any of that stuff like the cheating and bouncing from guy to guy until we were dating for months.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    So you've been together for just under two months but a week after becoming exclusive she re-friended or rekindled a friendship online (only that we know of) with Rodrigo in Canada, out of country. You've known your now-gf for approx. three years during which time she's been on/off again with Rodrigo after there wasn't enough chemistry on the first date with you two to three years ago. Your relationship with your gf only started about six weeks ago.

    At least you know about R at all. I don't think she's ready for a serious relationship. She's just using you as a safe harbour. It's what she does (you, her ex-bf). Serial monogamist with benefits to offer to other parties. Patterns, man. Let go.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How long have you been dating? Stop scanning her social media. If this guy intimidates you and makes you this insecure and jealous, don't date at all until you have that under control. Get your ego out of this and dump her if you think she's a floozy.

    There will always be a Rodrigo here there and everywhere. So get your act together and get a handle on the insecurity. Be confident. Work on that. When you are confident all the Rodrigos of the world won't bother you.
    I had known she dated him back in the day and it didn't bug me. I actually didn't even bring him up for the first 6 weeks we dated. It was only after she re-friended him that I got insecure about it. I mean it's not like an ego thing where I need to win some victory. I actually truly think she might be more into him and if that's the case, it wouldn't crush me. I don't try to force people to choose me. I know there would be other more suitable people out there if that's the case.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    So you've been together for just under two months but a week after becoming exclusive she re-friended or rekindled a friendship online (only that we know of) with Rodrigo in Canada, out of country. You've known your now-gf for approx. three years during which time she's been on/off again with Rodrigo after there wasn't enough chemistry on the first date with you two to three years ago. Your relationship with your gf only started about six weeks ago.

    At least you know about R at all. I don't think she's ready for a serious relationship. She's just using you as a safe harbour. It's what she does (you, her ex-bf). Serial monogamist with benefits to offer to other parties. Patterns, man. Let go.
    We've actually been together since April. Became bf/gf in late May. Rodrigo left for Canada in 2016 and that ended thier tryst. But he moved back to town (though 4 hours away from us) in 2018. So he's close enough lol

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maaatt
    We've actually been together since April. Became bf/gf in late May. Rodrigo left for Canada in 2016 and that ended thier tryst. But he moved back to town (though 4 hours away from us) in 2018. So he's close enough lol
    Yeah, no.
    Sorry. I'm married. Wouldn't have it any other way. Happily married also. This isn't the trajectory that happily marrieds take on the way to a happy marriage. Just be realistic about what you're getting into. If you like her, date her for awhile. Get it out of your system and enjoy each others' company. If you're into something more serious, this is catch and release eventually.

  7. #16
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    An emotional affair can happen at any distance, and is actually worse.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maaatt
    Unfortunately I didn't know any of that stuff like the cheating and bouncing from guy to guy until we were dating for months.
    Well....now that you know, what are you going to do? Keep dating a cheater or show some self respect and boot her out?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself. You think you deserve a woman who has been a cheater (those are her ethics. What epiphany has changed to make her moral compass do a 360?). You are choosing a woman who is immature and self centered as to maintain an inappropriate connection with a past FWB just so she'll have a pacifier handy if her bf dumps her.

    What are you doing, playing around with girls, when you're 38 and should have the maturity and life experience to choose more wisely, grown-ass women instead of low-life girls? What's the longest relationship you've had? Why did it end? Perhaps you should be single for a while to work on your self esteem, and to come up with a must-have and dealbreaker list, and stick to it. Until you value yourself, you will continue to make the worst possible choices.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Alright, herewith some observations. Buckle up—they may sting, but do know I'm on your side.

    So, what am I seeing? I'm seeing you, at a wink from 40, still acting like a 20something on the romantic front and trying to "mature" a 20something into your ideal of a 30something at the expense of your own maturity. You and her are basically the same, in short. Except she's got one thing on you: a dozen years to grow up, and out of, whatever slippery and shady juncture in life she's in right now. You, at the dawn of middle age, are at risk of growing into it.

    I'm not saying every 26-year-old is doing the toe-step in the shade, but this one is, clear as day. I could have been her Rodrigo at 26, and I suspect you've been a Rodrigo here and there on your journey. Sh*t young people do before growing up. Thing is, you are positioning yourself (in your mind) as the anti-Rodrigo, at 38, while at least kinda sorta full well knowing you are more like another Rodrigo. No, you don't like that idea, I know. But c'mon now. She was worried about you being a monkey brancher because you were being a monkey brancher. You were worried about her being a monkey-brancher because she was being a monkey brancher. You're kind of using each other to cancel all that out and inhabit some aspirational version of yourselves, but in the process just further cementing it. Two peas, same pod, one with a dozen more years of life.

    Playing armchair shrink? I think you're drawn to the idea of "maturing" her at an improbable rate, perhaps because that narrative is more appealing that you being drawn to someone who is young and impressionable rather than someone closer to you in the story of life. I think you think that if you can do that it will provide you with some sense of your own maturity: as the serious, emotionally involved man who is ready for the real thing. But there's a huge hitch in that experiment, and the hitch is that she is 26-year-old woman still sowing some oats, finding herself, getting a tan in the shade. You want to be her light in the cave. But in trying to be that light? You are a man soon to turn 40 going down social media wormholes in order to understand a woman's emotional equilibrium. Have a think on that.

    You refer to her as insecure, but I think she's also a mirror to your own insecurities. You refer to her ex as controlling—nothing like you!—but here you are trying to control the narrative, frustrated at the places where it doesn't quite dovetail with your ideas and ideals, some of them connected to who you want to be but aren't, not quite. To a woman closer to your age—a woman who did this little toe-step back in a day that feels like a million years ago—you are kind of a dangerous dude yourself: 38 and still swimming in these waters, with loose ends getting tied up with loose ends. To her, I imagine, you're wise and woke. A nice feeling—until, of course, it proves a bit illusory. Right now you are tasting that illusion. Popped right up on your screen in the form of a new FB friend.

    No judgement, truly. I turn 40 next week. I've swum around in these waters. Could tell you all about my last relationship, but a lot of it boils down to me, at 36, being deeply frustrated with my 24-year-old girlfriend for being a 24-year-old woman who was at a different juncture in life than me. Hard to admit all that, since it meant looking a little closer at where I was treading water instead of growing up, but there was value in finally taking a closer look.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're not used to dating women 12 years younger than you and this is confusing to you. Are/were you married all this time? She didn't rope you into anything. You wanted to have sex, so you did.
    Originally Posted by maaatt
    I'm 38 and she's 26. It was 10 days after our first date she kindve lasso'd me into being exclusive with her

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