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Thread: Are we committed or not?

  1. #1

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    Are we committed or not?

    I have been with my boyfriend nearly 3 years. We don't live together. Obviously we were both private renting our own places when we met. We were both fairly set on the idea of getting a mortgage. He makes way more money than I do, so he was managing to save a lot faster. I am studying myself, just finishing my undergraduate and moving onto my masters in 2020, so I do not have a lot of time to work extra hours. He literally pays for everything, and I hate it, as my finances tend to be spent on daily living, very rarely a chance to buy a new top for under £10.

    But 15 months into dating, i was offered a council flat, I'd made the application ages before I met him. I spoke to him about it and he was all for it, so I had taken it. He didn't want to move into the council flat. 3 months after I had taken it he then asked if I would move out and live with him in his private rented flat. For multiple reasons (couldn't afford it, travel to/from work, but most importantly council flat) I couldn't move in. So we continued with our dreams of saving and getting a mortgage. Or at least I thought we were working together, but it appears not. There were no joint savings accounts, or plans between us as to how it could work realistically.

    So about 2 and a half years into our relationship he was ready to get a mortgage. I said I had not money to give for a deposit (I barely had £500 in savings after nearly 2 years) so he went ahead and got a mortgage. I said from the moment he decided that it would be his house and not ours, but he insisted it would be our place, despite my saying I wouldn't be a home owner. He wants to wait until his fixed rate is up to remortgage, which is 5 years.

    So now I am faced with a dilemma. Either I give up my council flat, and move in with him. I would be completely dependent on him, as the mortgage is assessed for his finances and not ours, so I would be giving very little into the property even under the living together agreement.

    Or I stay in the council flat, keep some minimal ownership on my own financial needs, and we keep doing this 'dance of dating' we've been doing for ages.

    He is not open to doing anything other than live in his house, and just wants me to move in.

    I feel no commitment from him to work with me, we are not working together, i don't feel like we ever have, and that I am only there for his wants and his needs now, and not for each others needs. I'm now at a point where I feel like I've just been dragged along for nearly 3 years doing the fun things he likes. Where this is obviously a problem, because he's said himself, he bought the house for us, and wants us to "be together" and he wants "to take care of me"(mostly his words). But if I do move in, he becomes my provider. But if I don't move in, I'm a bad person.

    Please, anybody, advice, thoughts, questions, anything.

  2. #2
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    Read your last full paragraph back to yourself. It tells you that he's not into the relationship as you are and that moving in with him would be a terrible mistake. You are not a bad person for looking after your own interests. It took you years to get council accommodation and if you voluntarily give it up then what will you do if the relationship ends?

    It sounds like he enjoys the convenience of having you around to do all the things he likes, but doesn't see you as a full partner (otherwise he could have moved in with you while you both saved). Please stay where you are and consider why you even want to be with someone who only seems to be interested in what he gets out of the relationship

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You are in very different places in life. You're holding each other back. There is too much focus on mortgages. He has every right to find and buy a house, you just don't want to move into it. That's fine. He doesn't have to wait years for you to finish school in order to realize his dreams.

    But it's not about mortgages, is it? You sound unhappy in the relationship because you feel there is a power and economic gradient and you seem not to want to be with him anyway. Either way make a decision. You're holding each other up.

  4. #4
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    You seem really focused on sharing physical space as a sign of commitment. My husband and I didn't officially live together before marriage. We were very committed for years before we shared physical space. I would not mingle finances or property ownership without being married or a wedding date right around the corner. Do you see it as a sign he is committed because he wants you to share physical space/co-own property? Do you want marriage? Does he?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clawd22
    I have been with my boyfriend nearly 3 years. We don't live together. Obviously we were both private renting our own places when we met. We were both fairly set on the idea of getting a mortgage. He makes way more money than I do, so he was managing to save a lot faster. I am studying myself, just finishing my undergraduate and moving onto my masters in 2020, so I do not have a lot of time to work extra hours. He literally pays for everything, and I hate it, as my finances tend to be spent on daily living, very rarely a chance to buy a new top for under £10.

    But 15 months into dating, i was offered a council flat, I'd made the application ages before I met him. I spoke to him about it and he was all for it, so I had taken it. He didn't want to move into the council flat. 3 months after I had taken it he then asked if I would move out and live with him in his private rented flat. For multiple reasons (couldn't afford it, travel to/from work, but most importantly council flat) I couldn't move in. So we continued with our dreams of saving and getting a mortgage. Or at least I thought we were working together, but it appears not. There were no joint savings accounts, or plans between us as to how it could work realistically.

    So about 2 and a half years into our relationship he was ready to get a mortgage. I said I had not money to give for a deposit (I barely had £500 in savings after nearly 2 years) so he went ahead and got a mortgage. I said from the moment he decided that it would be his house and not ours, but he insisted it would be our place, despite my saying I wouldn't be a home owner. He wants to wait until his fixed rate is up to remortgage, which is 5 years.

    So now I am faced with a dilemma. Either I give up my council flat, and move in with him. I would be completely dependent on him, as the mortgage is assessed for his finances and not ours, so I would be giving very little into the property even under the living together agreement.

    Or I stay in the council flat, keep some minimal ownership on my own financial needs, and we keep doing this 'dance of dating' we've been doing for ages.

    He is not open to doing anything other than live in his house, and just wants me to move in.

    I feel no commitment from him to work with me, we are not working together, i don't feel like we ever have, and that I am only there for his wants and his needs now, and not for each others needs. I'm now at a point where I feel like I've just been dragged along for nearly 3 years doing the fun things he likes. Where this is obviously a problem, because he's said himself, he bought the house for us, and wants us to "be together" and he wants "to take care of me"(mostly his words). But if I do move in, he becomes my provider. But if I don't move in, I'm a bad person.

    Please, anybody, advice, thoughts, questions, anything.
    So don't move in. How much is he pressuring you? If you ever complain about your council flat conditions, stop so that he doesn't have an additional reason to offer a roof.

    And it's not as though you both were set to put in 20% down next year. You've got what, 3 years of school left? And who knows how long after before you've got a booming income to show for it. And how long after that you can realistically start saving any decent sum. It'd be one thing if you were set to graduate and you had an $80,000 a year job lined up to begin in June, actually getting to the point you could contribute to such a large financial goal. But his idea to refinance in 5 years is honestly pretty realistic in terms of you graduating, getting a job, and having the money to put down a meaningful amount of money. You literally lose nothing by him executing on this goal of his. And with rates being pretty low right now, so long as he's got the means, going in now is a benefit to him.

    It is what it is. I'm not sure what another poster is getting from the last paragraph to suggest he's not into the relationship. I mean if I'm honest, it is a red flag when I hear a guy wanting to take 100% care of a woman financially. It's certainly never been my style. But it also happens often enough without ill intention. It just takes some very upfront communication and agreement to prevent the relatively broke party from getting insecure (or conversely taking the partner for granted) and the breadwinner from getting resentful. If you're too uncomfortable with the idea, then it's well within your right and plenty fair enough to not move in. But that's your problem, not his.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Slow down. You're going too quickly and your emotions are at breakneck speed. I understand you're angry and upset that he's bought a home. It doesn't sound like he's put any financial pressure on you. He's not going to be any more of your provider than your current landlord if you pay him rent too while living in the house he just purchased. I think your ego is a little bruised and this just wasn't how you saw the future unfolding even if it's temporary. Just stay calm and go over all your options.

    Either way, you have to pay to live somewhere. Whether you move in with him or stay elsewhere, you'll still have to pay your dues. He may not take your money for rent for the purpose of rent (he may not want it for the mortgage) but you should be contributing to the living expenses or work out an agreement together and not living for free in that house. In this current frame of mind, I'd suggest staying at your council flat for as long as you need to clear the resentment and misgivings you have. If both of you are to work as a couple, you'll have to learn to look at things a little differently (as a team). He can't be expected to wait for you while you come up with the same money as him (romantic but not very realistic if there's a large difference in your income).

    I think what it boils down to is trust. Clear that resentment you feel by changing your outlook. If you still feel like this is a bit shifty to you and you're uncertain, don't move in with him and stay in your own flat. Both of you have to trust each other.

  8. #7
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    J.Man, I was talking about this:

    "I feel no commitment from him to work with me, we are not working together, i don't feel like we ever have, and that I am only there for his wants and his needs now, and not for each others needs. I'm now at a point where I feel like I've just been dragged along for nearly 3 years doing the fun things he likes."

    Doesn't sound good to me.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Since you admit that you are not positioned to be an equal financial contributor to a household, what is it, exactly, that you want from him that he's not saying or doing or giving?

  10. #9
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    You two are at different stages in your lives.

    He's earning good money, and is looking to settle down and be a provider, more specifically to provide for you. He is insisting that the house he is paying for is also YOUR home, and wants you to move in. This sounds very committed to me! If you were also ready to settle down, this would be a very good foundation for the future.

    However, you are still a student and have yet to make your way in the world. It's understandable that you don't want to be dependent on someone before you've had a real chance to establish yourself and your own independence as an adult. What it boils down to is that you're not ready, either emotionally or professionally, to enter the realm of home ownership ect yak and blah. You don't say where you live, but in some parts of the UK finding a council flat is a bit like finding the Holy Grail, and it's understandable that you don't want to give it up.

    It also makes sense that he got a mortgage when he was able to do so, to get a foot on the property ladder and start to consolidate for the future. It's also understandable that he didn't want to wait around until your earnings caught up, while the prospect of home ownership slipped further and further away.

    What I'm saying, really, is that you're both right.

    I've been with my partner for 4.5 years, and we're looking at living together in the near future. We would have done so in the past but there were practical factors which militated against it, and it could be that we share his (rented) house temporarily until I buy a house with the proceeds of my current house sale. He has a lot of junk and I may not be able to afford somewhere big enough for both of us. He hopes to sell the house he owns, at which point we will be able to get somewhere big enough for me, him and the accumulated junk; otherwise I may find somewhere close by and we'll be 'together but apart' until that point.

    The crucial thing is that we're together, the emotional commitment is there, and where we bed down when we're not together is a detail of the relationship rather than its primary focus.

    You don't say what your employment prospects are likely to be once you've got your Master's, but would it make sense to hold on until you've finished your studies before making a decision as to whether you move in with him, and on what basis? One thing I realised after I'd graduated was that students, and people who were in full-time employment/careers, live in different universes. This will be having an effect on your relationship as it is, and will undoubtedly change once you graduate. He is actually quite wise not to be 'working with you' while your situation is a temporary one.

    Good luck, whatever you decide.


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