Does he want to be with me or not?

I met someone 3 years. At the time, I was recently separated and in the process of divorce, his divorce was just finalized. We hit it off but I wasn’t ready to date so we never exchanged contact information, etc... About a year ago, he sent me a friend request on Facebook and we started chatting. We chatted through Facebook for a couple weeks before we exchanged phone numbers and then texted for a couple weeks before I agreed to go on a date. After that first date, we became close very fast and were seeing each other 4-5 times per week. A couple months in, he told me he was falling in love with me and I told him I loved him about a month after that. There’s been a couple bumps in the road but it seemed like things were going really well. His daughter loves me, my son loves him and we’re able to do a lot together but I try to make sure we have our own time too. If we aren’t able to see each other during the day, one of us shoots the other text telling the other to “have a good day” and “Ilove you”. About 3 weeks ago, he went cold. He stopped saying he loved me one day and totally withdrew. I gave him a few days thinking maybe he was having a rough time and then I asked him what was going on. He said he didn’t know, he just didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I told him if he needed some time, that was fine, if he wanted to be done, I would accept that too, but don’t just cut me off and leave me to wonder. I didn’t hear back from him after that for a few days. I finally sent him a text saying I would come pick my things up from his house. He asked me if I was done with him and I told him no but I needed some of the things from his house and I also didn’t think it was very fair for him to leave me hanging and not communicate anything with me about what was going on. He said he was just bored and needed some time to figure things out. I told him to take the time he needs and I would give him his space. I went no contact with him and about 2 days later, he changed his Facebook status to single. So I changed mine as well. Since then, he’s been texting me all day everyday. More than we even texted when we were dating. I respond maybe once or twice a day. His texts don’t ever say anything like he loves or misses me or adds heart or kiss emojis like he used to. He never calls me by the pet names he used to use, just good morning, good night, how’s work, how’s my son, school, things like that. He tells me what he’s been doing and what’s going on in his life. Asks me for advice on different subjects. He hasn’t wanted to talk on the phone or asked to meet up at all. I just don’t know what to think. Does he want me to be his buddy? Does he still want me in his life? Does he just feel guilty for dumping me and wants to soften the blow? I haven’t dated in far too long and it’s confusing!!

I think he rekindled something with someone else. Do you know if he was dating someone seriously before he sent you the friend request on facebook? To be concise, you were dumped and friendzoned in one suave move. This person shouldn't be contacting you or asking you "for advice on different subjects". He's using you and he's with someone else (he can't speak on the phone or meet you anymore). I'd read between the lines because asking for any further information from someone like that is going to be like squeezing water from a rock or you'll just be brushed off or fed lies. He's already done all the above and got away with it. Let go.

He said he didn’t know, he just didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I told him if he needed some time, that was fine, if he wanted to be done, I would accept that too, but don’t just cut me off and leave me to wonder.

Wow. If a guy told me that, I couldn't fathom wanting to be with him a second longer. Why would you consider staying with someone who tells you he's lost feelings for you? And then, you're leaving him in the driver's seat, waiting to see if he'll let you stay on the bus or if he'll drop you off at the next corner.

I can't see that you value yourself when you're leaving your fate in someone else's hands. Don't stick with a guy solely because you like him. Stick with one you like ONLY if he's making equal efforts to yours. He stopped making an effort. Don't you have better things to do with your precious time than being a texting buddy with a guy who dumped you? It doesn't matter why he's doing what he's doing. It's not about what he wants. For God sakes, do what's best for yourself which means blocking him from your cell phone and delete him as a Facebook friend. You don't owe him anything, but you do owe yourself closure so you can emotionally move on to be ready for a new chapter in your life. Take care.

I would say Rose is on the right track, there's someone else.

You are on the back burner as a backup, but his eyes are focused on another woman.

He is playing games with you. He has already said and done the harshest things by walking away and leaving you to dangle.

Why allow someone to treat you this badly?

I agree, he's got someone else, that's why he wont talk to you or meet up with you. Texting is silent, nobody can hear him text you. You are on the back burner. If I was you I'd block and delete this guy from my phone and facebook. Time to move on.

Why are you texting with this guy? You should have cut him off!

Block an delete!

Thank you guys for your input. Thinking he had someone else was honestly the first thing that came to my mind too. I’ve been cheated on before and it’s not something I ever intend to put up with again. Zero tolerance policy. That’s when I decided to go “no-contact”

Yesterday, I started reading “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and was reading about the “male intimacy cycle” or the “rubber band theory” and it seemed to hit the nail on the head so I swallowed my pride and reached out to him tonight. I knew he was struggling with some career change options but I didn’t realize how much he was struggling. About 6 months before we started dating, the company who he had worked for and climbed the career ladder with for 20 years had sold out to a new corporation and they had gone through his company and cleaned out all the management and his position was one that was eliminated. His current job has a fantastic salary but very poor benefits so since he lost his old job, he has been paying for his daughters health insurance out of pocket. His daughters mother has been riding him really hard to get her better health insurance and recently he was offered an outstanding position with another company who offers great benefits. He knew that my ex-husband has travelled a lot for work and that was part of what broke our marriage down and without thinking, I had told him that I never wanted to be with someone again who had to travel that much for work. This new position that he has been offered would include a lot of travel. He said between the feeling of needing some space (the rubber band theory) and trying to figure out what decision to make career-wise, he felt like he needed to just power-down and think. He said he was afraid if he took this new position, he ran the risk of me no longer wanting to be with him but wasn’t sure how to approach it with me and also didn’t know if it was an offer he could pass up. He said he doesn’t want to lose me but he was hurt that he felt like I gave up immediately and walked away. I feel much better after talking with him. Hopefully we can learn some better communication skills!

I think to be honest if someone makes a comment like "he's bored" about your relationship and this is in the very early stages of dating, that's not a good sign. This is meant to be the honeymoon stage and if he's already bored so fast and he so much as told you that, I wouldn't think he felt that strongly about you. If he was actually in love with you then no way would he be bored. I think all his behaviour shows that he's not interested in you anymore. But he might be texting you just to keep you hanging as a backup plan. Some people do that, they like to have a "plan B".

Eh, I don't think this is a rubber-band situation, OP.

I can see why it's an appealing way of framing this, but the guy told you he was bored and that he didn't feel the same way any more. You didn't just walk away; you wisely backed off from someone who was giving you valid reason to believe he was no longer interested.

A lot of women will twist themselves into knots looking for some logical reason why the man has pulled away, something more palatable than loss of interest. Stress tends to come up a lot in these situations, and I have observed it's often the woman who offers up that explanation rather than the man himself. Please tread cautiously here, as I have a feeling this won't be the last time you go down this road with him. Might stress factor into his need for space? Sure. Do I think it's the only factor? Unfortunately, no.

Is a year still considered “early stages” of dating? I was out of the dating scene for so long that I feel like a newby! Lol. It has definitely been a honeymoon for the past year which I think is why this has thrown me so badly. I think I freaked out and probably over reacted. He didn’t say he was bored with me exactly, he just said he was “bored and restless” and looking back on it now, I think he was probably talking about his job and I thought he was talking about me 😳 I definitely don’t want to be stupid though so I am still treading very carefully and will take all your advice. You’re right, I’m going to stay away for awhile still until I’m completely convinced that there isn’t something else going on. Especially considering it’s not just me involved, there’s a couple kids who’s emotional well-being is more important to me than mine.

The first couple of years are early stages. There really was no need to cut you off that way or keep you in the dark. All this started only three weeks ago. You asked him what was going on and offered him time to sort things out, he changed his social media status to 'single' after giving you no clear answer as to what was happening, continuing to brush you off and now he's "hurt"? He doesn't sound convincing at all. I don't think this person is ready to date and his job situation has changed things. Are you also thinking of being involved with another person who travels a lot for work?

Sorry to hear this. Of course it was too much, too soon and that is a red flag in itself. "He's bored"? You need to delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. It's over and he took the coward's way out.

It sounds like he met someone else to keep him from getting "bored" and got wrapped in that 'forgetting' to break up with you.. Stop entertaining him. He's keeping you around for a dry spell or when the new thing gets "boring". It's not confusing at all. He told you you're "boring". Get rid of clowns like this.

he just didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. He said he was just bored and needed some time to figure things out. Since then, he’s been texting me all day everyday.

Stops saying I love you?

"I don't know, I just don' feel the same about you"?

Changes his status to single?

Boy bye.

I know you still have feelings, but you've been nothing but mature and patient with him while he completely shut down and refused to offer any explanation to you. It's completely unfair to you and you deserve better.

After a year together, a man who really loved you, with his job changes, would have sat you down for a discussion about what was happening, all the alternatives, and what it would mean for your relationship.

Instead of just assuming and thinking, "Oh, well. She said when I first met her she'd never date a guy who traveled a lot again. Guess this is it. Time to go cold." A guy who cared would've said. "This is so hard. We love each other and now I'm financially forced to take a job that requires me to travel X amount of time. What do you think?"

Many woman are nurturers, but sometimes to their own detriment. You're doing exactly what he wants. He wanted to exit without drama. You being understanding and coming up with a reason for his behavior that doesn't involve his loss of caring for you is benefiting him, not you.

He's always known you're totally into him and that you wouldn't have dumped him for his traveling. He knows that doubly now because you're still sticking around in his orbit, waiting for his answer, after he has told you about the traveling. If that was the real reason for him distancing himself, now that you know, why isn't he suggesting a discussion of moving forward together? When you're going through stress, don't you like that there is a longterm partner by your side supporting you through it? He just up and left.

You're too close to the situation to see things clearly. Every person here, distant from the situation, from the outside looking in, is telling you he's not worth another second of your time. You should listen.

Another person, stress or pulling a rubber band. Either way, him reaching out to you and at the same time leaving you hanging can't feel good.

I get you are trying to be the bigger person here, in hopes that he comes back after his crisis. If that's what it is.

There is no reason why you can't tell him that the constant contact, along with the limbo is confusing and it is no longer working for you. You can tell him that you love him and support him but until which time he figures out what he wants, you need to take care of yourself and move on.

Besides, there is no motivation to reconcile if he can have access to you on his terms, at a reduced capacity. When wondering how much value he sees in you, remember, he is risking losing you, after all.

There a really good chance he is distracted by someone new. If that is the case, he will lose respect for you if you willingly stay on the side lines waiting.

Be compassionate, wish him well and take care of yourself. He knows where to find if you and the relationship is important enough.

It is one thing to take a space and remain warm and "in it" and another thing to say about being bored, not feeling the same about you and changing status on Facebook. He clearly is active on there since that is how he reconnected with you and he bothers to change his status.

I wouldn't have time for that.

I would also be gone as soon as I heard that he is unsure how he feels about me. That's all I need to know really.

During these days not one he mentioned work dilemma. Funny how he twisted all and after all - blamed you and made you the guilty one of giving up so soon.

Manipulation.

Can't you see?