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Thread: What to do

  1. #1

    What to do

    My wife and I have been married for 9 years and have 2 beautiful sons. A few years back, I suspected that she was cheating on me - there was a 6 month period after out first son was born that my wife kept going out with friends. I was fine with it at the time - I wanted her to go out and have fun with the girls. But each of the times that she went out, I was getting weird stories. Things weren't adding up. Secret message from other guys. Adding new guys on social media accounts. Finding out she was meeting a guy at the gym.

    When I approached her about all of the issues, she admitted that one night while at a work conference she had too much to drink and her boss had kissed her. With the other times, she thought it was a bit of harmless fun 'chatting' to guys while she was out. She didn't think anything of it at the time - she had even accused me of having an affair because I was late home from work once. After some counselling, we seemed to get back the spark and we then had our 2nd child.

    That was about 3 years ago... but recently, she went to a hens night. Prior to the weekend, she seemed a bit sketchy. Details were changing, she was going off to other rooms to make plans. A lot more time spent on social media. Then after the weekend, she started becoming more sexual towards me.. stuff that she wouldn't normally do. This lasted for a week and then... nothing. Curiosity got the better of me and I stupidly checked her phone when she was in the shower. I found that on the night of the hens night she was messaging a guy (a male model... I'm assuming he was the entertainment for the night). They were messaging about meeting up at a night club. She called me shortly after to tell me that the hens night has been pretty tame and she might call it a night. Then 2 minutes after she got off the phone with me, she messaged the guy back to confirm where he was. Now, I don't know what happened... but he was messaging her back at 530 the next morning.

    I really don't know what to do. If I confront her about it, she would just deny like the other time. Or do I just keep my mouth shut and hope that this doesn't happen again?

    Thanks in advance for any advice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Well she's out there for the attention...which tells me things need to be more spontaneous and different in your marriage. She's bored and with a little alcohol she's seeking attention because it feels good, makes her feel special and desired. So take that as a hint to start spicing things up. Not just sexually but, being a little more new with your appearance, attitude, telling her how hot she is, surprising her with a weekend away, go out dancing, taking up a new hobby, etc.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Yes, all a little shady and not so classy. When it's already at this point, speak to a lawyer and take care of your kids.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA

    I am sorry you found this place under these circumstances.
    First of all this is NOT your fault!

    What you wrote is classic cheater to most of us veterans on here. We have seen all of this before and many of us have lived through it including me.

    Cheaters often sprinkle in a little truth in their excuses to make it believable and they know we love them and want to forgive them for their "mistake". The problem is that she couldn't tell you that she did way more than kiss her boss and probably had sex with other guys during that time.
    Accusing you of cheating is another classic cheater move to shift blame and try to put you on the defensive.

    The hens night story you told has all the classic cheater elements as well. Hyper sexual when she returned (her way of trying to make it up to you or relive the excitement of cheating by imagining the other guy while with you). The call to let you know she was going to be in for the night (makes sure you do not try and reach her while she is with him)

    I wish I had better news for you but I think you know and your gut has been telling you that she is cheating again. It is hard to accept because you love and want to trust her but try hard to look past the love and the years together and see things clearly.

    What to do. You are right she will just deny it and probably turn it back on you.

    The best thing to do is keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears wide open. The next thing is trust your gut! It is rarely wrong.
    Then you need to decide what you will do if she is actually banging other guys. Divorce? More counseling?

    At best she has and is being disrespectful to your marriage, to you and your family. At worst she is and has been cheating off and on for years.

    Keep posting
    Lost

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I too agree that this is NOT your fault.

    You've been a loyal husband, you try to bend to her wants and yet she's running off behaving badly behind your back.

    Yes, confront her. Get it all out on the table, even if she's bored or if she wants other men, or whatever it is. Get it all out and see what you both intend on doing now.

    The "hen nights" have got to come to an end. She is using them as an excuse to check out other men and to fool around with them. It also sound as though you both need seriously marriage counselling.

    But to be honest, I don't know if this is salvageable this time. She is disrespecting you on many levels. She no longer cares about your feelings and she is being dishonest and betraying you every chance she get's. It's also nothing new.

    You might just consider contacting a divorce lawyer.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Have you been loyal to her? Seems a bit odd that you've known each other for so many years and you're completely innocent. Go over your dynamic as a couple. It doesn't have to come down to who cheated first or who did what first. If you're not getting along or you both have an unhealthy dynamic it usually results from a lot of resentment. It usually takes two to tango.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Seems a bit odd that you've known each other for so many years and you're completely innocent
    Why is it?

  9. #8
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    Guys are capable of being loyal Rose. This is a case of her being a habitual cheater and I don't think the marriage is worth fighting for. When someone disrespects the other, I think it's game over.

  10. #9
    Yes, we have been together since 2005 - and I have been loyal that whole time.

  11. #10
    Thanks everyone for the advice. My gut tells me where this is heading - but I just can't do it to my boys. I grew up with divorced parents and I hated it. I also left my life in another city to be with her. It would be impossible having to restart my career at my age - now I know that is not a good reason to stay. At the end of the day - I still love her, I know that sounds strange after what has happened.

    Marriage counselling seems the way - but she is so reluctant to go. She gets so defensive : (

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