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Met a girl I really like, but there's a catch...


royalblue420

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So about a couple weeks ago I met a girl that i really like. I just turned 30, Shes 25, a college graduate , and has a very solid job. She actually initiated contact with me on social media. One of my best friends doesn't have social media or anything , so she was asking for my number for him since he had just gotten a new phone. Along with the message she said she liked my pictures. I scrolled through her profile and I loved her pictures as well. She's extremely gorgeous and it seems like she travels a lot for work, which really intrigued me. After I told her I like her pictures as well, I struck up an interesting conversation about her work and travels.

 

Life was good for a few weeks as we continued to talk and txt. I felt like we truly had a connection immediately!! We both aspire to travel, we have similar music tastes, and she enjoys going to concerts like I do. After talking about her schooling, work, and future aspirations it seemed like she had a really good head on her shoulders, and I was needless to say, infatuated and intrigued. Definitely interested in pursuing something with her. I know she likes me back, as she has told me multiple times that she thinks I'm cute. I asked how she knew my friend and she said that they were just neighbors; I thought nothing of it.

 

So yesterday we finally met in person. She was absolutely gorgeous and looked even better in person than in her pics!!!! I was speechless! We hung out for a good portion of the night and hit it off. We watched football, played video games, and I even tried to impress her by playing some songs on guitar. I've been a musician since I was 10, so I felt absolutely confident. Good vibes were in the air, and I could tell that she was happy to finally meet me. The conversation was just as good in person as it was online. Towards the end of the night I walked her back home to her appartment, and she even showed me her place inside for a few mins. We came back outside for one last chat over a cigarette before she went back inside, but before that.....things spiralled downhill very very fast.....

 

My friend walked up to the appartment to say bye to her, but then all of a sudden he hugged her and kissed her on the forehead. It was very unexpected, and she had this look on her face as if his gesture was somewhat unwanted. After that I gave her a long goodnight hug, and she complimented me on the scent of my cologne, and said that she looks forward to seeing me again. I was happy, but still a little confused that my friend would kiss her in the forehead.....

 

After me and my friend went back inside he had a smirk on his face. I asked what was up with the kiss, and then admits to me that they had sex.......apparently they've been hooking up for weeks, and he told me that she didn't want me to know about it.....not sure if she trying to hide it , or maybe she does actually like me back and actually cares what I would think of her . I felt absolutely crushed, but relieved at the same time that my friend was man enough to tell me face to face. My friend is the type who has no filter, so he went into more explicit detail about their sexual encounters.....I told him I was a little upset because i had been talking to her and i really liked her, and he felt kind of bad....he told me he doesn't wanna be with her and that it meant nothing to him....she seemed like such a good woman, very intelligent with a solid job, a degree, and everything going for her....so I didnt expect that she was the promiscuous type.....I'm looking for something real and I don't want to just hook up.

 

As of now, we haven't talked since last night. I was very hesitant to even txt her today. I just dont know what to do....

Should I just forget about her? Or give her a chance and hear her side of the story?

(My friend does tend to exaggerate very frequently about his sexual encounters, and tends to stretch the truth)

I told my friend not to tell her that I know, because I'm curious to see if she will ever tell me, but then again I dont even know if I should even make plans with her again or just drop it all together. I really really like this girl, but I feel very uneasy about the fact that she hooked up with one of my best friends. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

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Don't play mind or guessing games with her.

 

Have an in depth, at length, in person conversation with this woman. Ask her point blank about every question you have about her and her relationship with your friend. See if she's honest and truthful. After hearing her out, this is the time you will determine whether or not you wish to continue dating her.

 

Since your friend has a tendency to exaggerate, ask the woman a bunch of questions until you are satisfied with her answers.

 

If she's a red flag to you, sounds dishonest or sneaky, then heed those warnings and think the better of it in order to avoid unnecessary stress in your life. Be a good judge of character.

 

Don't forget about her just yet. Give her a chance to explain herself to you and use your best judgment. You will determine whether or not she is for you. Give her a chance and hear her side of the story while keeping in mind, if something doesn't add up, if something doesn't ring true about her, end it diplomatically and cease contact with her.

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No, I dont think I'm "entitled", my friend tends to stretch the truth so I just want to know if it really happened the way he says, mainly because I want to know if shes the cheating type or not.....

 

Why do you think you're entitled to hear her 'side of the story'? What story is that?

 

You've barely had one date with her and you're wanting to hear her entire sexual history? I think you should back off. If she likes you, then take it slowly and don't worry about what your friend has going on with her.

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If she's hooking up for weeks with your best friend, then she's playing both sides of the fence. If you wish to seriously continue dating and envision a future relationship with her, you have every right to know what's going on. She needs to choose one man instead of two men. Two's company, three's a crowd. :upset:

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Obviously it's distasteful knowing your bro hooked up with your current crush. You can take it one of two ways: 1) get all huffy and immature about it and crucify her for being "promiscuous" or 2) act like a gentleman (this means limiting your time with your idiot friend who likes to talk about his bedscapades and treating her like a genuine person).

 

You get to choose the type of man you want to be. She gets to choose what type of man she wants to be with too. Either way, this isn't the last woman on earth and take it easy if it doesn't work out.

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If you were to take the fact that the person she was seeing is your best friend out of the equation this would be a lot easier to reconcile.

 

You just met her for the first time yesterday and have been communicating for a couple weeks leading up to that. So, both of you are seemingly free agents, right? It's only when you add the "best friend" into the equation that it becomes murky, because let's be honest, who the heck wants to potentially start a new relationship with someone who has slept with their best friend?

 

I know I wouldn't.

 

So you have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if that is something you can overlook? If you can't, I wouldn't even bother.

 

Nonetheless don't let hearsay dictate your chosen action. You can simply share with her the information that was shared with you and then decide what you want to do.

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The best friend or friend part doesn't matter.

 

Let's say, if I were to hook up with a man for weeks while dating another man, I doubt my date or new man in my life would be cool with that which stands to reason.

 

You have every right to know the truth and then proceed from there. At that point, you can determine whether or not you wish to date this woman AND share her with another man!

 

It's the principle of the matter. On the other hand, if you don't care what she does on the side behind your back, go for it and continue dating her to your heart's content. In this case, ignorance is bliss!

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Well, while I guess this girl doesn't technically "owe" you anything, I don't think her behaviour is that great. I mean, surely she knew that all your messages with her are not just for friendship and she could tell you liked her? And she knows you're good friends with the guy she's sleeping with so why did she keep messaging you? I know she hasn't really done anything "wrong", but I guess it's just poor form.

 

And not to make assumptions or anything, but it could be possible that she is actually into your friend and she's actually trying to make him jealous coz for him it's just a hookup. About ten years ago I was hooking up with this guy I was crazy about, but he wasn't into me. So I was trying to make him jealous by paying attention to his friend. Also when my best friend was sleeping with this guy and he really liked her (she wasn't into him), he was trying to make her jealous by showing interest in her female housemate and talking about other girls.

 

Also what was the actual context of her messaging you to get your friend's number? Sounds like it was actually him she was interested in and she was chasing him? Maybe that's why she was trying to get his number? I guess she's probably just playing the field and enjoying getting attention from guys because she's single. I wouldn't necessarily call sleeping with one guy (that you know of) promiscuous. Also women should be allowed to have an FWB just like men do and not be called a or whatever. Coz that's double standard.

 

The main issue here I think is what do you get out of all of this? From everything you've said, I'm not sure it's looking that good for you. After she got your friend's number, even though she was talking to you a lot, that didn't deter her from hooking up with your friend the whole time. Also you didn't go on a date with her one-on-one, your friend was there too. I think if she liked you, she would have wanted to see you alone. I think now that you know what you know, don't be too available to her and don't let her play you.

 

Keep in mind too that while you know she's attractive, educated and career minded, your liking of her is based on a bit of a fantasy. You were only talking to her online and you never met. I think it's easy to think that someone is amazing because they're hot, but you need to look at it realistically. Just because she's pretty doesn't mean she's a great person or the right girl for you.

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Honestly, she is neighbors with your friend and is sleeping with him. I would tell her that you really liked spending time with her, but you don't want to interfere with what is going on between her and your friend. There are other women out there. I mean, he is her neighbor, too.

 

If after months of silence she tells you that she has moved or something and wants to date you - thats another matter.

 

I think its VERY weird that she contacted you on social media to get the number of her neighbor she is banging. That makes no sense to me.

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Awkward!

 

I guess the thing I'd be asking, in your shoes, is if you can genuinely proceed here knowing what you know. If not, there's just no point in proceeding. Do you really want to "talk this out" with a woman you've only known for a few hours? (Sorry, I don't count the sliding into DMs for much of anything.) Can you sincerely see that leading to the "real" thing you want? Can you see not bringing it up leading to the real thing you want, with her? Are you even still stoked on her knowing that when she was sliding into your DMs she was also, well, you know with your friend? Are you not kinda sorta maybe wondering what's up with that?

 

Ask those questions, so you don't turn her into an experiment where you already know the answer. And maybe give yourself a minute to ask why this friend deserves "best friend" status. You're 30. Why keep hanging with 13-year-olds?

 

It's all a bummer, no doubt. Whenever I meet someone new my general assumption is that I'm not the only person they're meeting, talking to. Are they exploring something else, dabbling with an FWB, playing footsie with a neighbor on a lonely night? Who knows? I've got faith that if our connection is strong, and I've got a read on the person, all that stuff will take care of itself pretty quickly; those who can't take care of it—the drama seekers—show their hand fast. But that's without having a window into it—and, in this case, it's a window you can't close.

 

Just worth remembering here: You've met once. One time. I get that the Insta-crush chapter was potent, and I know that hot is hot, and cool is cool, and so on. But also: one hang. These are the lowest of the lowest stakes. I can assure you that there are loads of attractive women who like whatever music you like, enjoy concerts, and aspire to travel. Those qualities are not rare minerals in the desert, but near universal descriptions of people in their mid-20s. Perhaps the thing to do is just be completely honest, letting her know that you don't want to begin things on a note of triangulation and step away. She can slide back into your DMs, or not, after working through geometry problem.

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I must have misworded; she contacted me for my friend because my friend needed my number. He had a new phone. I should've known right from there because I know how he is with women, and obviously they were together if he asked her to message me. I agree though, I'm just gonna leave it alone and if down the road she lives somewhere else and wants to talk, then so be it. Thank you

 

 

Honestly, she is neighbors with your friend and is sleeping with him. I would tell her that you really liked spending time with her, but you don't want to interfere with what is going on between her and your friend. There are other women out there. I mean, he is her neighbor, too.

 

If after months of silence she tells you that she has moved or something and wants to date you - thats another matter.

 

I think its VERY weird that she contacted you on social media to get the number of her neighbor she is banging. That makes no sense to me.

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Update: I'm just gonna leave it alone and not to talk any of them. After talking to her a little more and hanging for a bit more.....I've come to realize that shes still in her party phase, and doesn't seem to be over it after graduating college....I'm pretty much done with that stage in my life. I just know for a fact that she is wasting time with my friend, I love my friend but he treats women terribly....he has 3 baby mothers and only has partial custody of 1 of those children....hes been to jail twice, and yet he still has passed up dozens of opportunities to be serious with amazing women!! I guess I'm just jealous, women seem to be more attracted to a bad boy I guess....meanwhile I'm the good guy whose the hopeless romantic....I'm just gonna focus on myself , and my goals/dreams. I'm done with being easily manipulated and easily infatuated with attractive women so quickly. I need to change for the better..

 

Well, while I guess this girl doesn't technically "owe" you anything, I don't think her behaviour is that great. I mean, surely she knew that all your messages with her are not just for friendship and she could tell you liked her? And she knows you're good friends with the guy she's sleeping with so why did she keep messaging you? I know she hasn't really done anything "wrong", but I guess it's just poor form.

 

And not to make assumptions or anything, but it could be possible that she is actually into your friend and she's actually trying to make him jealous coz for him it's just a hookup. About ten years ago I was hooking up with this guy I was crazy about, but he wasn't into me. So I was trying to make him jealous by paying attention to his friend. Also when my best friend was sleeping with this guy and he really liked her (she wasn't into him), he was trying to make her jealous by showing interest in her female housemate and talking about other girls.

 

Also what was the actual context of her messaging you to get your friend's number? Sounds like it was actually him she was interested in and she was chasing him? Maybe that's why she was trying to get his number? I guess she's probably just playing the field and enjoying getting attention from guys because she's single. I wouldn't necessarily call sleeping with one guy (that you know of) promiscuous. Also women should be allowed to have an FWB just like men do and not be called a or whatever. Coz that's double standard.

 

The main issue here I think is what do you get out of all of this? From everything you've said, I'm not sure it's looking that good for you. After she got your friend's number, even though she was talking to you a lot, that didn't deter her from hooking up with your friend the whole time. Also you didn't go on a date with her one-on-one, your friend was there too. I think if she liked you, she would have wanted to see you alone. I think now that you know what you know, don't be too available to her and don't let her play you.

 

Keep in mind too that while you know she's attractive, educated and career minded, your liking of her is based on a bit of a fantasy. You were only talking to her online and you never met. I think it's easy to think that someone is amazing because they're hot, but you need to look at it realistically. Just because she's pretty doesn't mean she's a great person or the right girl for you.

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Wait, is this your friend? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561923

 

Kidding, but a quick slalom through that thread should be enough to remind you that there is a certain temperature of fire that, while very fun to look at, is best appreciated at a safe distance.

 

I don't know your history with your friend, meaning I don't know why you're so into a guy who treats women terribly and ends up in jail, but it's a pretty safe bet to assume that anyone you meet through him, of whatever gender, is not going to be a safe bet for emotional investment or really much of your time. There is a difference between a fire emoji and an actual fire, you know?

 

You sound awesome. Awesome women are into awesome dudes, not "bad boys," and there are plenty of ultra-fuego women out there who are ultra-awesome. I think your friend's "game" isn't really a healthy thing to be around, since it's kind of gaming you a bit too, preventing you from accessing your own, cooler brand of swagger by half admiring his and half hating what you see.

 

Anyhow, sorry about this little scrape. But it sounds like you've got a good outlook on it all.

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Update: I'm just gonna leave it alone and not to talk any of them. After talking to her a little more and hanging for a bit more.....I've come to realize that shes still in her party phase, and doesn't seem to be over it after graduating college....I'm pretty much done with that stage in my life. I just know for a fact that she is wasting time with my friend, I love my friend but he treats women terribly....he has 3 baby mothers and only has partial custody of 1 of those children....hes been to jail twice, and yet he still has passed up dozens of opportunities to be serious with amazing women!! I guess I'm just jealous, women seem to be more attracted to a bad boy I guess....meanwhile I'm the good guy whose the hopeless romantic....I'm just gonna focus on myself , and my goals/dreams. I'm done with being easily manipulated and easily infatuated with attractive women so quickly. I need to change for the better..

 

Good job. Stay focused on you and let go of bad influences. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, least of all your tasteless friend. Make new friends, mingle with people more akin to you. Don't stop at situations or people like this. It's a bit bottom of the barrel. Keep moving.

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Oh my God!! Hahaha definitely not him but it's hilarious because it definitely sounds like a similar situation he was In, plus the fact that the girl became a stripper without him knowing for awhile haha not wishing any ill will on him, but it is a reminder that I may have dodge a bullet here

 

 

Wait, is this your friend? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561923

 

Kidding, but a quick slalom through that thread should be enough to remind you that there is a certain temperature of fire that, while very fun to look at, is best appreciated at a safe distance.

 

I don't know your history with your friend, meaning I don't know why you're so into a guy who treats women terribly and ends up in jail, but it's a pretty safe bet to assume that anyone you meet through him, of whatever gender, is not going to be a safe bet for emotional investment or really much of your time. There is a difference between a fire emoji and an actual fire, you know?

 

You sound awesome. Awesome women are into awesome dudes, not "bad boys," and there are plenty of ultra-fuego women out there who are ultra-awesome. I think your friend's "game" isn't really a healthy thing to be around, since it's kind of gaming you a bit too, preventing you from accessing your own, cooler brand of swagger by half admiring his and half hating what you see.

 

Anyhow, sorry about this little scrape. But it sounds like you've got a good outlook on it all.

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Oh my God!! Hahaha definitely not him but it's hilarious because it definitely sounds like a similar situation he was In, plus the fact that the girl became a stripper without him knowing for awhile haha not wishing any ill will on him, but it is a reminder that I may have dodge a bullet here

 

Whether she is/was a bullet or an awesome 25-year-old woman you met from the angle, or a few years too soon, doesn't really matter. Odds are that if it's someone you're meeting through said friend than you're meeting someone who is in a bit of what we can call a "bullet phase."

 

And that's really something to reflect on a bit. Part of who we are is the company we keep. So, thought experiment: You meet some awesome woman—like conjure her up in your imagination—and then introduce her to him, one of your best friends. Is she digging you more or did an eyebrow just raise?

 

Not saying cut him out of your life, and certainly not saying live your life to woo an imaginary woman in your mind, but it's always worth being mindful of how the people we choose to spend time with influence us.

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