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Thread: Boyfriend keeps declining sex

  1. #1
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    Boyfriend keeps declining sex

    So I just got into a new relationship, and we met about 2 months ago. We get on really well and heís honestly the kindest person. He pays me compliments, heís honest, heís very affectionate and always cuddles and kisses me and doesnít mind PDA. Itís just that he seems to decline sex whenever I mention it. I have asked him why, and he said he wants to make sure it doesnít mess the relationship up because he wants us to last. So itís a case of me being ready before him? We have done other little bits and fondled but even then Iím the one who initiates it first and when I perform sexual acts he doesnít even seem heís enjoying it, like iíll Be in the middle of doing it and heíll be laying there still looking at the ceiling and then heíll just tell me heís going to cum and thatís it.. no expression or groaning (sorry too much info). It makes me feel a bit deflated. I love being intimate and it makes me feel like maybe Iím doing something wrong or that he has issues heís not telling me about. Itís just sexual intimacy thatís an issue like I say he has no problem kissing me and stuff. Heís only ever had 1 other girl who broke his heart and he was single for 7 years. He doesnít get much sleep (about 3 hours a day) so maybe they are both factors that have something to do with it. I just donít know what to do to resolve this

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He doesn't have the kind of sexuality or passion you are looking for. Don't try to fix or change him. Observe this and decide if you want to continue dating.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I've got a few thoughts.

    Two months is early. Why the rush? Just like some people take time to label themselves a boyfriend or girlfriendósomething I'd never be comfortable with after only 60 daysósome people like to take their time with sex. And whether you start having sex after the second date or on the fourth month, I think it happens when you've both done the dancing required to get comfortable with getting naked. Sometimes part of that dance is someone mentioning it (you) and the other (him) saying they're not quite ready. Cool. More dancing. Then the clothes come off when the time is right.

    Many men will happily have sex with you after a week, and then not talk to you again. A man who is really interested in talking to you without having sex with youówell, not the worst sign, you know?

    That said, do I see some reasons to raise an eyebrow? Sure. He sounds, by your description, to be a little suppressed, a little in his head and out of his body. Is that because, before you meeting you, he had a bunch of random, go-nowhere sex that left him feeling hollowed out or led to drama? Perhaps. Is that because he's just not that into sex, or totally feeling you? Perhaps. Or is he totally enjoying himself but, alas, not expressing it in a way that you enjoy? Perhaps.

    Thing is, going down the wormhole of asking those questions is always a lost cause. At two months you're still figuring out if you two work, if you're compatible. If the physical side of the relationship is making you feel "a bit deflated" and questioning yourselfówell, that's kind of just incompatibility. It's a way people do not want to feel in romance. There is thin line between being patient and letting things develop and trying to force something that isn't quite there.

    You, in the end, are the only one who can determine which side you're on. But feeling "deflated" after 2 months is often a symptom of forcing something.

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    I see what youíre saying. Sometimes I do think maybe itís me? Iíve had bad relationships and had a long line of men who just wanted the sex so maybe I donít know how to take it when sex isnít a priority for a man? I do tend to overthink a lot and sometimes struggle to believe Iím actually wanted due to the past, but everything else he does proves heís into me, itís just the lack of sex bit, I guess some people take longer to get comfortable and Iím up for waiting for him because he is my definition of perfect and all Iíve ever looked for in a person

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'd suggest taking a deep breath and toning down the language. He is actually not the "definition of perfect" and everything you've "ever looked for in a person." Those are words from a fortune cookie being applied to a situation that isn't that sweet. It takes far more than two months too know any of that, and, well, you already know that, sexually, there is a lot he is not providing you that you look for in people.

    Be honest, you see? That doesn't mean you have to end this tomorrow, but it means being in what it real not what you hope it might be. When you can do that there's less overthinking. And if there's lots of over-thinking? That's generally a good sign that the gap between what is real and what you hope it is is too wide.

    You are dating a guy who seems great but who you're not totally vibing with sexually. That is your life right now. Don't judge it, just observe it. If it continues to be your life it means that you did not find your definition of perfect or all you've ever looked for. Means you have to go back to looking.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try stepping back. If he looks this bored, just stop. Sounds like he's laying there thinking "blowup doll" to himself, not "we are falling in love"

    PS. Don't take his lassitude personally, he was probably never a real barrel of fun in bed.
    Originally Posted by Hollsmaur
    Iím the one who initiates it first and when I perform sexual acts he doesnít even seem heís enjoying it, like iíll Be in the middle of doing it and heíll be laying there still looking at the ceiling

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    To add: Just because you got mixed up with some dudes who were all about sex and little else doesn't mean you have bend to be happy(ish) with a dude who doesn't have the juju you need. That's stuff for therapy, not dating.

    Personal example: I like lots of hot sex and sexually charged people. My ex was one of them, as have all of my exes. My last one cheated on me. That sucked. It doesn't mean I went off to commit to someone who wasn't into sex but who I was confident wouldn't cheat on me. No, I dusted off and went back out there to find what I want: hot sex, hot sexual charge, with fidelity, among a zillion other connection points that are important for me to press the commitment button.

    You're awesome, you're great. That is forever, your baseline. Doesn't mean that all men will want you as you want to be wanted, or even want you at all, or want you for all the reasons you want to be wanted. None of that changes your baseline. That is all just dudes who aren't right for you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    3 hours sleep a day?!
    What's the deal with that?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's not your problem to resolve. You have an inert cold guy still pining about someone from nearly a decade ago. Dating shouldn't be social work or a rescue mission. Don't try to fix him. Just tell him it's not a match and find someone who's not from the set of Night Of The Living Dead.
    Originally Posted by Hollsmaur
    I just donít know what to do to resolve this

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He's a virgin and is nervous that you will dump him due to his inexperience. His game plan is to make sure you are bonded/attached to him, or hopelessly in love that you will not be affected by it.

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