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Thread: Boyfriend keeps declining sex

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I will take a chance and speak for men here? At least the one in question.

    For some men there are women men will engage in casual sex with and there are women they'd like to have a relationship with.

    Is it possible he wants a serious relationship and not just something casual? He has the right to take his time to see if there is the potential for something more meaningful here? He has stated so, for that matter.

    Instead he has a young woman, who in her own right wants to be intimate. His timing is different. I am only guessing (because I'm not there) that while she is providing favors for him, he is stuck in his head and second guessing if this is someone he sees long term potential in. After all he wanted to take his time. Is there something about her that is giving him doubts?

    I don't believe all men who are healthy minded and sexually sound would be over the moon about someone providing favors for him, especially in light of him having stated he'd rather wait.

    Can he just say no? Of course. But people, much like a previous poster, make generalizations that he must be impotent or something similar to deny any favor when offered. Maybe he feels he'd be judged. The responses here are a good example.

    After all the poster is here wondering if there is something wrong with him due to his unenthusiastic response.

    My current bf didn't really kiss me for our first 5 dates. (other than a peck) Why? Because he saw potential in us and wanted to take his time and not rush into things. He could very well be this guy.

    Often times rushing into things doesn't always have the best outcomes.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 09-26-2019 at 01:44 PM.

  2. #22
    Didnt read where anyone said or suggested he was impotent. And I think everyone agrees he has the right to wait without being shamed or judged for it. Same as women.

    If he wasn't ready for sex or not comfortable (which is fine) yes he should have said no. Just like women, he has a mouth, use it to speak up. Tell her he's not ready for whatever reason, same as women do.

    Not agree to it and then not engage, remain detached, stare at ceiling waiting for it to be over. Doing so made op feel like cr which is why she started this thread.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    They may be sexually incompatible too. I don't think this is a case of gender norms and stereotypes. I'm of half the mind that the OP is a little anxious and it's not actually due to any issues between the both of them at all. Just speak with him, I think. He may be worried about other things going on that have nothing to do with her while they're in bed together. He may feel insecure and upset that she's a little forward with the sexual intimacy. Maybe he doesn't have the courage to say it but he may even be reminded of his ex while he's with the OP. (sorry to say this)

    I do think he needs to be more vocal (NO means NO when it comes to sex/he's not ready) or break up with her if they're not compatible. Again, talk it out with each other, OP.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ZoeHeller
    Didnt read where anyone said or suggested he was impotent.
    Sorry not possible unless he is asexual (or gay), and if that's the case, given your high sexual energy, why would you want to get involved with a man who is asexual or a closet gay who clearly does not enjoy having sex with a woman, even when she is doing all the work?
    ^^ But you did say this

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  6. #25
    Yeah I did but does that mean impotent? Maybe it does, he did cum which suggests otherwise but it doesn't matter, does it? Guy was non-engaged and sexually cold.

    I still think both issues I mentioned earlier might be true. Or some other issue, including low sexual attraction.
    Might, might not, only he knows. And if he is, no judgment from me.

    I basically agree with Rose on everything she posted, sounds like a big sex incompatibility issue.

  7. #26
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    If he begrudgingly goes along with things -- sort of -- there are plenty of women who post here saying they "felt they couldn't say no" "froze up", "felt they had to". Etc. if this young man is telling you he wants to wait, despite him not batting your hand away after the forth time you try to slip your hand down his pants, why not just stop pushing yourself on him and see where it goes with no sexual contact for awhile?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I will take a chance and speak for men here? At least the one in question.

    For some men there are women men will engage in casual sex with and there are women they'd like to have a relationship with.

    Is it possible he wants a serious relationship and not just something casual? He has the right to take his time to see if there is the potential for something more meaningful here? He has stated so, for that matter.

    Instead he has a young woman, who in her own right wants to be intimate. His timing is different. I am only guessing (because I'm not there) that while she is providing favors for him, he is stuck in his head and second guessing if this is someone he sees long term potential in. After all he wanted to take his time. Is there something about her that is giving him doubts?

    I don't believe all men who are healthy minded and sexually sound would be over the moon about someone providing favors for him, especially in light of him having stated he'd rather wait.

    Can he just say no? Of course. But people, much like a previous poster, make generalizations that he must be impotent or something similar to deny any favor when offered. Maybe he feels he'd be judged. The responses here are a good example.

    After all the poster is here wondering if there is something wrong with him due to his unenthusiastic response.

    My current bf didn't really kiss me for our first 5 dates. (other than a peck) Why? Because he saw potential in us and wanted to take his time and not rush into things. He could very well be this guy.

    Often times rushing into things doesn't always have the best outcomes.
    So, so very good, this.

    Zoe, they have not had sex, if I've read this correctly. The have "done other little bits and fondled," during which OP has had the impression that he isn't totally into it. Most of us, I think, know the feeling of someone not quite being totally into it, be it the first weekend, the second month, or a weird patch in the middle of the 20th year.

    As Rose as pointed out, I think OP is a bit anxious, in general. She's used to "bad relationships and had a long line of men who just wanted the sex," but perhaps still sees the "the sex" as an essential cornerstone of gauging whether or not a man is into her. So, instead of hearing that he "wants to make sure it doesnít mess the relationship up because he wants us to last" as purely an expression of both interest in her and who he is, she hears at least a tinge of him not being into her, which gets tested through another tepid round of other bits and fondling instead of stepping back on the fondling for a moment and exploring the other bits a bit further.

    Which, yeah, is probably just being incompatible. I've had great relationships with women where we were ripping and roaring right out of the gate and with women where the gate stayed closed for a good bitóbecause I wasn't keen on opening it too quickly, or before she wasn't. But, big picture, those stories were the same: two people having a blast getting to know each other, feeling it out, and eventually feeling each other up, with the "eventually" coming in at the time that was right for both of us.

    In this case, I think both of them are a bit skittish, but on opposite ends of the coin. Very close, from one angle, very far from another. The things we often learn after 60 days, if not always a fun lesson.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    So, so very good, this.

    Zoe, they have not had sex, if I've read this correctly. The have "done other little bits and fondled," during which OP has had the impression that he isn't totally into it. Most of us, I think, know the feeling of someone not quite being totally into it, be it the first weekend, the second month, or a weird patch in the middle of the 20th year.

    As Rose as pointed out, I think OP is a bit anxious, in general. She's used to "bad relationships and had a long line of men who just wanted the sex," but perhaps still sees the "the sex" as an essential cornerstone of gauging whether or not a man is into her. So, instead of hearing that he "wants to make sure it doesnít mess the relationship up because he wants us to last" as purely an expression of both interest in her and who he is, she hears at least a tinge of him not being into her, which gets tested through another tepid round of other bits and fondling.

    .
    He wants someone for the long term, and she needs that instant gratification to know that he's into her.

    I think it would be helpful for the OP to explore how she can bolster her confidence level so she doesn't feel the need to have to have sex right away to know if a guy likes her

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    He wants someone for the long term, and she needs that instant gratification to know that he's into her.

    I think it would be helpful for the OP to explore how she can bolster her confidence level so she doesn't feel the need to have to have sex right away to know if a guy likes her
    For sure, if that's what's going on and resonates with OP.

    I generally feel it's basically a lost cause if your main concernóin dating, in a relationshipóis wether or not the other person likes you. Better to just focus on whether you like them, and what you need to keep that in focus.

    I'm not able to take anyone seriously as relationship material until I know we click physically, for instance. Doesn't mean I need to go from 0 to naked in 48 hours, or that I'm on the fence, with my eyes still on a swivel, with someone I haven't been naked with. We'll get there when and if we get there, and from there we'll see, together, if we can keep stepping forward. Hopefully the answer is yes, since if I'm getting naked with someone that's my hope, and I've made the choice because it doesn't quite seem like a hopeless hope.

    This dynamic kind of feels both too fast and too slow to me. They've known each other two months, are already boyfriend-girlfriend, with neither of them quite seeming like they're getting what they need to feel at ease inside those sacred labels.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    he said he wants to make sure it doesnít mess the relationship up because he wants us to last.
    What kind of answer could anyone here give you that's any better than this?

  12. 11-08-2019, 02:43 AM

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