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Thread: Boyfriend keeps declining sex

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollsmaur
    It’s just that he seems to decline sex whenever I mention it. I have asked him why, and he said he wants to make sure it doesn’t mess the relationship up because he wants us to last. We have done other little bits and fondled but even then I’m the one who initiates it first and when I perform sexual acts he doesn’t even seem he’s enjoying it,
    What I am reading is you have a guy who's telling you he doesn't want to rush into a sexual relationship, yet you initiate, you give and he reluctantly accepts the favor.

    If the roles were reversed and a woman wanted to wait and ultimately obliged a guy who kept initiating, what would you say then?

    Listen to what he's telling you and don't push. Let him meet you half way.
    What's the rush?

  2. #12
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    Whoa. you have been only dating 8 WEEKS. what is the rush?? He told you he is not ready to have sex with you, so cut it out. Go on dates and get to know him. A lot of women would be tripping over themselves to meet a guy who was a gentleman, felt that sex was meaningful and wanted to get to know her first.

  3. #13
    I think what's happening in this situation is the same thing many men experience when women want to wait to have sex with them -- that being, the questioning of sexual attraction.

    Which is what many men do question when women they're dating (especially for two months) want to wait and often times it's actually true.

    So FWIW I understand how you feel and if me, I would walk away. Believe me, in my experience, no man who is sexually attracted to you or any woman is going to lie there staring at the ceiling, waiting for "it" to be over when you're sexually engaging him. No way.

    Sorry not possible unless he is asexual (or gay), and if that's the case, given your high sexual energy, why would you want to get involved with a man who is asexual or a closet gay who clearly does not enjoy having sex with a woman, even when she is doing all the work?

    Many a man has said goodbye to women who play the "wants to wait" sexual card. In your guy's case I don't think it's manipulation so much as he is not that sexually attracted to you, or asexual or a closet gay who isn't comfortable with his sexuality and hiding behind you and other women so as to appear hetero (more normal in his eyes).

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He doesn't sound all there at all, OP. Someone who's been single for seven years (total crickets...not even casual dating or meeting people or spontaneous romances) seems hard to believe. The three hours sleep would also be an issue to me. How is his health in general?

    Sorry this is happening. I agree with the others. Don't push the sexual intimacy. If this isn't a fulfilling relationship to you and you aren't getting the affection you need to be happy or don't enjoy your dynamic, do the mature thing and re-evaluate whether this is right for you overall.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Someone who's been single for seven years (total crickets...not even casual dating or meeting people or spontaneous romances) seems hard to believe. .
    Why is this so hard to believe? Because our society pushes that the only way to win at life is to get laid, get into a relationship and procreate at every opportunity. As men, we are expected to talk to and hit on every girl who moves that is mildly attractive, and our masculinity is measured by how often we get laid and how much beer we can chug.

    There are whole sects of people throughout the world who practice chastity and are held in great regard by society for doing so - Monks, to name one. Women will go years in a relationship without sex because they are waiting for marriage, and do not get labelled closet gay or asexual. But a man who does not want to have sex at ever opportunity, who does not want to date or have spontaneous romances, is seen as weird, strange, less of a man and unbelievable.

    If anyone, man or woman, says they do not want to have sex right at the moment, that is their right and should not be forced to do it against their will. A woman who is badgered into sex for the first time would not lie there and enjoy it, why should a man?

    OP, if you want or expect more sex at this stage of a relationship and are not prepared to respect another person's wishes with regards to their requirement, find someone that just wants to get into your pants at every opportunity and leave this guy to deal with whatever he is going through.

  7. #16
    Keyman I get what you're saying and agree, however if the guy was so dead set on not having sex, which is OK, why did he allow her to engage him sexually, and then lie there bored looking at the ceiling completely emotionless?

    Why not just stick to his guns and maintain he wants to wait?

    There's something else at play here other than he prefers to wait.

    He didn't wait, he had sex and in doing so, lay there bored causing the OP to feel undesirable and sexually deflated.

    That is the issue as I see it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Zoe, yes I agree and I also feel that whatever is going on with him won't be resolved in this relationship.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Good stuff from Keyman.

    The pressure on men to be sexual lotharios remains pretty staggering, especially when combined with the woke-era pressure to also be men who aren't "just interested in sex." It can create a kind of psychic paralysis—not so different than what certain women feel when they give into pressure, either from a specific man or society/culture at large, to have sex when they're not quite ready. But while there is a whole culture of talking about that, and teaching men to understand it—a culture I am all for and, as man only raised by a woman, was kind of part of my upbringing—there just is not an openness for men, or for all of us, to talk about these things in the same way.

    That said, it is not for OP, or any woman, to be in a diagnostic mindset during the first 2 months of a relationship. The chemistry—by which I mean the full spectrum: emotional, intellectual, physical—is kind of either there or it's not. It can be "there" without sex, because waiting is just fine for both people, just as it can be "there" by romping around in Caligula-like euphoria after the second date. In this case, it's just kind of not there, for OP.

    We don't have a portal into this dude. What OP is registering as emotionless and disinterested might be his way of enjoying whatever base they're on. And that would be just a problematic as him not enjoying it, you know? I have been called emotionally "distant" and "detached" by women; my girlfriend sees in me a sensitive and tender man. I am not "different" with her. We just have good chemistry—the full spectrum—which is why she is my girlfriend and not someone I tried to date for a stretch before realizing we didn't have the juju needed to get serious.

    Moral of the story: people are not variables in psychological experiments, and if they start feeling that way in romance, or if romance starts to feel like its unfolding in a laboratory, something is off. Failed chemistry experiment. Far better to just own that than to turn it into a psychological one.

  10. #19
    Fair points bluecastle. As were Keyman's. But again he did have sex which means the real issue is not that he preferred to wait, which is ok, but that he is an emotionless robot when having sex which left the OP feeling sexually deflated.

    Agree she needs to consider if a man so sexually detached at least in her eyes is the right man for her.
    Last edited by ZoeHeller; 09-26-2019 at 12:48 PM.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    Why is this so hard to believe? Because our society pushes that the only way to win at life is to get laid, get into a relationship and procreate at every opportunity. As men, we are expected to talk to and hit on every girl who moves that is mildly attractive, and our masculinity is measured by how often we get laid and how much beer we can chug.

    There are whole sects of people throughout the world who practice chastity and are held in great regard by society for doing so - Monks, to name one. Women will go years in a relationship without sex because they are waiting for marriage, and do not get labelled closet gay or asexual. But a man who does not want to have sex at ever opportunity, who does not want to date or have spontaneous romances, is seen as weird, strange, less of a man and unbelievable.

    If anyone, man or woman, says they do not want to have sex right at the moment, that is their right and should not be forced to do it against their will. A woman who is badgered into sex for the first time would not lie there and enjoy it, why should a man?
    Obviously men are entitled to do whatever they wish, sex or no sex as a personal choice. I'm all for free will. The point is that this person (the OP's bf) is in a relationship. To withhold sex/intimacy or not make an effort whether it's in the bedroom or outside of it is really quite unconscionable (negligent). I think the OP and her bf would benefit from a lot more communication.

    I asked about potential health issues (physical and mental health play a role).

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