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Thread: Question about breakup - PLEASE HELP IMMEDIATELY!

  1. #11
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    I feel like you're leaving out some critical pieces of information here, OP.

    I don't really understand what happened here: "When we went back to her place to take up the groceries, she got a little impatient with me because I tried to open the wrong door and disagreed with me when I suggested we go up first. She got a little panicky and it got on my nerves, so I put my head back, got awkward with her" Go up where first? What do you mean you put your head back? How did you get awkward?

    You also said this: "It carried over in ways that were really bad, like thinking about dumping her every time we had conflict, snapping at her, being irrational with my emotions and playing mind games/being vengeful when she did stuff that I disliked." Did you tell her you were thinking about dumping her? How often were you snapping at her? In what ways did you play mind games and behaved vengefully?

    Then there is this: "I decided to start joking with her -- a joke I severely regret and have no idea where it came from. I didn't physically threaten her in the joke (I have never laid a hand on a woman and never would) but I was saying stuff that made her feel uncomfortable." What exactly was this joke, OP?

    It sounds to me like you don't have much control over your emotions and often behave impulsively. Only after you realize she is upset or hurt do you back-pedal and couch it as a joke or just going to Home Depot. You driving off and not telling her you were leaving looks an awful lot like a tantrum and one of the vengeful mind games you admit you play, not just a random trip to get a TV cable. She saw right through that one, dude.

    From where I sit, based on your description, this relationship involved a significant amount of drama and this was not the first time she had seen this side of you. This break-up is not about one incidcent, but a culmination of problems. You lack insight into your own behaviour, as evidenced by the fact that you feel she owes you a graceful phone dumping when you in fact did this: "On my way down, out of anger and impulse, I called her and told her we should be done." Your sense of entitlement throughout this whole situation is mind-boggling.

    Anyway, no, I don't think you two will reconcile. And that's probably for the best. If you're already considering couple's counselling after just 7 months, you might as well concede that you two don't work together as a couple. She sounds very done. What you be wise to do from here is get your emotions in order and learn to deal with anger, insecurity and frustration is less destructive ways. If you don't, you will find it very difficult to maintain a relationship.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There will be lots more drama if you keep pulling the old "went to Home Depot" trick and other passive-aggressive stuff like that.

    This is not a good sign🤯:
    Originally Posted by saintvale
    She didn't want to see me in private for a few dates and only in public to regain her trust that I wasn't some crazy dude who was gonna hurt her physically.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by saintvail
    which has included me seeing a therapist on Tuesday and making a real effort to better control all the stress in my life.
    IMO, while in therapy and working to fix yourself, usually not a good idea to be in a relationship.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Simply put, you plus her equals toxic. The most generous read on it all is that you are both fine people who are the opposite of fine together, much the way certain chemicals are harmless on their own, but, when mixed, burn down laboratories. Seven months with a new romantic prospect should feel more or less like a cakewalk, not a pendulum swing between a cold war and a nuclear war with little peace treaties signed along the way.
    Just wanted to say that bluecastle, you have the absolute best analogies.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RyanFox1219
    Just wanted to say that bluecastle, you have the absolute best analogies.
    Awww, thank you. While I enjoy a good turn of phrase the way I enjoy an aged whiskey, I'm a firm believer that the right turns can help get people turned in the right direction.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    1) Is this relationship, given the information you now know, completely over? I find it hard to believe someone who was so close to me and talked to me for 3-4 hours daily for 7 months would just completely shut down and let me go over this one incident.
    Yeah, one hostile temper tantrum is usually all it takes for a healthy person to say 'never again'. Why would you expect her to put up with another one?

  7. #16
    My guess is that your jokes weren’t jokes. Or at least something you don’t joke about, like kicking down a door if she doesn’t agree to let you in.

    It’s been my experience, from 18 years in law enforcement, that people like you minimize your end of an argument. IE making jokes that made her uncomfortable but you’re quick to explain you’ve never put your hands on a woman. There’s several ways to make someone feel uncomfortable without eluding to violence. The fact that you’re quick to qualify the joke with the disclaimer that you aren’t violent means that you are. Either physically or emotionally. And you’re trying to make light of something you told her by saying it was just a “joke” caused by a “mental fog”.

    Stay away from her. Just her saying she would only meet you in public says enough.

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