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Thread: I donít get this dating thing.....

  1. #1
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    I donít get this dating thing.....

    I havenít been here in a while, but Iím just feeling extremely down and I just need some advice to break through this cycle of low self esteem.

    So ever since my last real relationship which was like 2 years ago, I havenít been really able to get in another solid one. Since then the guys that I meet seem to be only interested in having sexual relations with me and thatís about it. I am an attractive young lady, but I bring more to the table than looks. For some reason, I feel like no matter what I do, or no matter where I meet a guy, whether itís at grocery store, or the bar, they seem to be more interested in just sexually. This starting to make me feel low and a bit depressed. Itís making me lose confidence in the woman I am, and I feel like Iím becoming closed off to men over this.

    I recently met a guy in August while he was purchasing some of the products that I sell. He seemed to be interested in me, he asked me out that same day. I decided to go out drinking with him and his friends. Afterwards, we went back to his place b/c I had forgotten my car keys there. We were both a little under the influence, but I told him I was going to leave(I just wanted to avoid any type of attempts to have sex with me). He convinced me to stay, so I agreed to sleep on the couch. He tried to of course have sex with me, but I declined. We slept on the couch, but the next day he took me out for breakfast and I left right after that.

    We hung out twice after that and then we had sex, which I feel like it was too fast also, but for me it was in the heat of the moment things. Things where okay until I realized that I was starting to develop feelings for him. He threw a party with his friends, he told me about it, but never invited me to it, heís told me that I give him the vibe that iím too busy, so thatís why he didnít invite me. I didnít believe his excuse, but this is the moment that I started to realize that he just may not be that into me, or maybe he feels like we havenít established a relationship so maybe being around his friends in a intimate setting would be too much.

    Fast forward to last Tuesday, he texted me and asked me to dinner, so I decided to go. We had a good time, we actually have conversations and we laugh non stop. After Tuesday I didnít hear anything from him the next day, so I texted him Thursday to just check up on him. Ever since I checked up on him Thursday, I havenít heard from him. He is super active on my social media, but not once has he checked on me in 4 days. I know he will call or text sometime this week to schedule something, but at this point I just feel like i need to just end whatever we have going on. I need advice on whether I should even tell him how I feel when he contacts me or if I should just cut him off with no explanation. I like him, but I donít feel like he likes me because i feel like a man who wants to be with you will make it clear from the beginning.

    Please advice me

  2. #2
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    How come you left key in his place in a first place ?
    You should never agree for a date with a man on the same day you met him. You should never enter his place on the very first date or after. On the couch or not - bad news. Not wise and not safe.
    Here are a few reasons why he is lukewarm.
    Don't chase men. You can do better than that.
    Last edited by irka000; 09-23-2019 at 03:26 PM. Reason: Errors

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You don't want men to want you only for sex...yet on the first date you got intoxicated and then had sex with him on either the second or third date.

    If you don't want to be wanted just for sex...wait to have sex. And stop getting buzzed!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok a few things here.
    1) Don't get picked up if someone randomly approaches you.
    2) Do Not Drink on the first dates. Do one-on-one dates.
    3) Never ever agree to go to your place or his until you know them better.
    4) Go out on a few dates first and do not have sex until you have established some sort of exclusive situation.
    Originally Posted by CBC2000
    He seemed to be interested in me, he asked me out that same day.
    I decided to go out drinking with him and his friends.
    Afterwards, we went back to his place b/c I had forgotten my car keys there.
    We were both a little under the influence
    We hung out twice after that and then we had sex

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    May I ask how old you are?

    My feeling about datingóor at least how I look at it to not become cynicalóis that the vast majority of people you meet will not be interested in you very long, or vise versa. That's just life. If a potent, sustained romantic connection was "easy" it would not be very valuable or worth pursuing.

    Which brings us to the business of sex. Having sex with someone is a guarantee of one thing, and one thing only: that, afterwards, you will have had sex with that person. So if, for you, having sex is something you only want to do inside a relationship, or with someone you are serious about and believe is serious about you, then it's best to keep sex on the table until those questions are answered rather than putting it on the table in hopes of an answer.

    Going out drinking with someone, then going back to their house, then staying at their houseówell, that's putting sex on the table pretty quickly, even if sex isn't had. No judgement, believe me. But it is what it is, you know? It was a moment created by two people, not another d-bag who only wants one thing. He did not "convince" you to stay; he asked you to, maybe more than once, and you chose to stay, just as you chose to have sex with him two hangs later.

    Maybe try making different choices, and you'll find yourself building different kinds of connections. Sure, some guys may flakeówhatever. Others won'tógreat. Subtract sex from the equation with this guy, for instance, and what you have is a fine, even promising experiment in dating: someone you've gone out with a few times, with each of you figuring out how you feel, and each of you allowed to feel anything and room for all those feelings to flutter about without being so monumental.

    But since sex was had you now expect him to be your boyfriend, more or less, and you're now thinking of "ending it" because he's not stepping up to that plate right away. But it takes time for people to step up to that plate, and nudity and shared body fluids does not change that. If it produces feelings inside of you that warp your sense of time, or make you unable to explore connections, then it's best to wait a little longer before making things about sex.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    May I ask how old you are?

    My feeling about datingóor at least how I look at it to not become cynicalóis that the vast majority of people you meet will not be interested in you very long, or vise versa. That's just life. If a potent, sustained romantic connection was "easy" it would not be very valuable or worth pursuing.

    Which brings us to the business of sex. Having sex with someone is a guarantee of one thing, and one thing only: that, afterwards, you will have had sex with that person. So if, for you, having sex is something you only want to do inside a relationship, or with someone you are serious about and believe is serious about you, then it's best to keep sex on the table until those questions are answered rather than putting it on the table in hopes of an answer.

    Going out drinking with someone, then going back to their house, then staying at their houseówell, that's putting sex on the table pretty quickly, even if sex isn't had. No judgement, believe me. But it is what it is, you know? It was a moment created by two people, not another d-bag who only wants one thing. He did not "convince" you to stay; he asked you to, maybe more than once, and you chose to stay, just as you chose to have sex with him two hangs later.

    Maybe try making different choices, and you'll find yourself building different kinds of connections. Sure, some guys may flakeówhatever. Others won'tógreat. Subtract sex from the equation with this guy, for instance, and what you have is a fine, even promising experiment in dating: someone you've gone out with a few times, with each of you figuring out how you feel, and each of you allowed to feel anything and room for all those feelings to flutter about without being so monumental.

    But since sex was had you now expect him to be your boyfriend, more or less, and you're now thinking of "ending it" because he's not stepping up to that plate right away. But it takes time for people to step up to that plate, and nudity and shared body fluids does not change that. If it produces feelings inside of you that warp your sense of time, or make you unable to explore connections, then it's best to wait a little longer before making things about sex.
    Thank you so much for your constructive advice. Believe me, I know I wasnít no innocent in this, but I donít feel great and I want to turn this entire situation around. I will definitely do this, but I for sure wonít initiate any contact with him.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok a few things here.
    1) Don't get picked up if someone randomly approaches you.
    2) Do Not Drink on the first dates. Do one-on-one dates.
    3) Never ever agree to go to your place or his until you know them better.
    4) Go out on a few dates first and do not have sex until you have established some sort of exclusive situation.
    Noted @wiseman, Iím ready to switch gears

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What do you mean by "entire situation"? The business of dating, or the business with this dude?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    How come you left key in his place in a first place ?
    You should never agree for a date with a man on the same day you met him. You should never enter his place on the very first date or after. On the couch or not - bad news. Not wise and not safe.
    Here are a few reasons why he is lukewarm.
    Don't chase men. You can do better than that.
    I said I forgot the key at his house, regardless, youíre right. I shouldíve never went to his place to begin with.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    So you've been dating what, a month? Honestly, I do agree there are like half a dozen red flags in there that could have easily gotten things ugly. However, nothing you've written indicates to me that he just wants you for sex. In that sense, you kinda lucked out. I don't know the exact timeframe, but it sounds like you're averaging a date or so every week. Just because it's early enough that he doesn't invest much in between-date conversation aside from meeting up doesn't mean he's only in it for the sex. You could even flip the script. Are you asking him out? You "check up" on him, but what does that tangibly do to progress anything between the two of you? I check up on my friends while I'm taking a dump. It's meaningless. Meanwhile him arranging for you two to get together is actually accomplishing something.

    In any case, who's to say? Take it easy, don't have sex if you don't want to have sex, and don't have sex if you need it to lead to something. If you're uncomfortable having sex without that something, then the something should come first. He could decide to stop seeing you for 1,000 other reasons than only having ever wanted to have sex. I've lost interest in a lot of women after a handful of dates. It happens.

    Another concern of mine is "it's been two years since you've been able to get into another solid relationship." Or you can just say you've been single for two years, which yeah... that happens. A lot. And it should. There's nothing wrong with dating, but if you're counting every day you're not in a relationship as some kind of loss, that's just thirsty. That **** tends to show, and your average healthy guy isn't gonna have much interest in it. Ergo you'll find that you'll attract guys who will tolerate it if it means getting a more superficial fix. Learning to be happy single will get you a long way in attracting guys who are looking for more.

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