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Thread: Does my husband know??

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What exactly is between you that your husband could notice?
    Originally Posted by sparkit
    I wonder what’s alerted my husband to the possibility of there being something between us.

  2. #12

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What exactly is between you that your husband could notice?
    An attraction

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So? Enjoy your fantasy. And..get to marriage therapy.
    Originally Posted by sparkit
    An attraction

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    So? Enjoy your fantasy. And..get to marriage therapy.
    I do enjoy it! My post isn't about the right or wrong of lusting after someone who isn't my husband, or why I lust after someone who isn't my husband. It's about trying to figure out what appears to have alerted him to it!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What makes you feel he is "alerted to it"? If you are flirting and being inappropriate to spite or offend your husband, is there a reason? If he mentions it why keep it up? Keep your crush to yourself and utilize boundaries. Are you looking for attention from your husband?
    Originally Posted by sparkit
    It's about trying to figure out what appears to have alerted him to it

  7. #16
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    I'm going to go down a different route here.

    You have a crush which you already say you do not plan to act on. Crushes happen sometimes during marriages and are totally normal as long as you don't act on them, then there's really no harm. From the way it sounds, it sounds like the friend has a crush on you, too.

    It is likely that your husband noticed. WHAT I FIND ODD is that your husband is pointing it out repeatedly to both of you. THAT is not normal.

    If he was just asking you or him privately, that would be one thing. BUT, his consistently joking around with both of you is very weird.

    Example- if I noticed my husband develop a crush on a gal pal of mine, even if I noticed- I might talk to him privately about it or suggest to my gal pal that we hang out privately until the crush wanes- but the one thing that I WOULDN'T do is openly joke about it in front of BOTH of them (not even ONCE, much less multiple times)

    I might be alone here and this is just my VERY humble OPINION- but, this is really setting off alarm bells for me. I think there may be a possibility that your husband is interested in someone else and is amplifying this crush up to alleviate his guilt a bit. Mind you, I could be wrong- but I see no other reason for him to KEEP saying this. It would be awkward to say it once, but the fact that he KEEPS doing it (especially when you say you haven't done anything) to me suggest that there is another reason- beyond he sees that there's a mutual attraction. Joking about it over and over almost implies that he is in a way encouraging it. And I could very well be wrong, I just find his reaction VERY odd.

    Here's what I would recommend. Since you know you have a crush and you don't plan on doing anything- limit your contact with this friend. Next, conversation with your husband since he already seems to know anyway. "It's making me uncomfortable how you keep joking about this in our friends presence. It might be best if you two hung out alone for a while"- And see what he says.

    I think your husband's response to this will tell you a LOT. BTW, the ONLY correct response is " I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable." then he can either suggest that you don't visit together or that he at LEAST cuts out the joking with you both present. Now, if he gets DEFENSIVE, continues to behave that way or acts like it's no big deal and KEEPS doing it- then I think perhaps something else is at play and this is your husband's way of deflecting.

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What makes you feel he is "alerted to it"? If you are flirting and being inappropriate to spite or offend your husband, is there a reason? If he mentions it why keep it up? Keep your crush to yourself and utilize boundaries. Are you looking for attention from your husband?
    Thank you but the answers to these questions are all in my original post... I feel he is alerted to it because he keeps making comments about me and our friend. I am not flirting or being inappropriate with said friend. I have kept it to myself. I am not looking for this kind of attention from my husband.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I like redswim here, without totally agreeing.

    My take: you're both kind of bored with being married to each other, but haven't quite addressed that. Or, well, you've addressed it by spicing things up with a crush and he's stirring the pot, catching a contact high off the crush. He doesn't love the whole thing—much like you, what he'd really love is to feel frisky and thrilled with you—but for now the stirring (the jokes) offer a proxy high of sparkles.

    And, hey, it's all kind of "working." Your stagnant marriage suddenly feels like high school, filled with buzzy attraction, innuendo, passive aggressive hijinks that are all both very obvious but somehow mysterious. Some hot sauce being dashed out left and right, but not so much that ruins the meal. Harmless? In ways—at least until it's not.

    Sure, maybe hubby has a crush of his own, and the subtext of all that joking is basically him saying, "I see you, I'm doing it too, all good," without any of it being quite all good. In terms of addressing all of it? Well, you have to decide if you actually want to address it or if you want to keep enjoying it. He's just in on your private joke now—your crush—which has made it all less funny.

  10. #19

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    Food for thought @redswim30 - thank you. Maybe the joking is a way of saying 'I see it' without having him having to instigate a serious conversation about it with either of us?

  11. #20

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    Thanks bluecastle - more food for thought. Now I don't know what the hell to think!

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