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Can’t talk to my BF about his cross dressing and Fetishes


Ruby1976

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I’ve been with my BF for 10 months and over the last 2 months he has confided in me briefly about him cross dressing. I’ve told him it’s fine and then quickly change the subject. I’m not able to talk to him about it. I sit and think about all the things I want to ask and talk about but the words won’t come out my mouth. Its on my mind all the time and feels like it’s eating me up. Im a very open minded woman, at least I like to think I am. I believe people should be who they are as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. I’m at the point now when I’m thinking of ending the relationship because I’m not sure I can deal with it. I have my own issues and I’m quite fragile at the moment. There’s other things that are bothering me too that I’m unable to openly talk to him about. He’s such a good man and I know he’d be open and honest with me but I just can’t do it. I don’t know if I’m scared of the answers, I just don’t know. Please help me

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That's ok, go with your gut. If things don't feel right to you for whatever reason, just tell him it's not working out. Dating and attraction are not politically correct situations. It's based on compatibility and communication, both of which are lacking here.

Its on my mind all the time and feels like it’s eating me up.

I’m at the point now when I’m thinking of ending the relationship because I’m not sure I can deal with it.

There’s other things that are bothering me too that I’m unable to openly talk to him about.

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Well....he sure wasn't open and honest with you for the past 10 months. In fact, he was quite manipulative. Dating you and developing attachment and only then disclosing a rather significant piece of information about himself. This isn't about you being open minded, this is about him depriving you of making that choice early on. You've been duped and yes, if you feel shocked and bad about it, you should be. You should also be more honest with yourself about your feelings regarding this. This isn't a small lie, it's huge and relationships based on lies don't work too well. It would be different if he just decided to delve into that.

 

Whether cross dressing is acceptable to you in a romantic relationship is up to you to figure out. However, I wouldn't recommend accepting a guy who will lie to you for months about who he is and what he is into. What else has he lied about that you don't know? Lying is a character issue and a highly problematic one.

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Agree. No one needs a bait and switch like that. Why put up with this when you can simply yell him it's not working for that and all the other things?

In fact, he was quite manipulative. Dating you and developing attachment and only then disclosing a rather significant piece of information about himself. Lying is a character issue and a highly problematic one.
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It’s so hard because I feel like I love him. I’ve not felt a connection with someone apart from my ex long term partner, ever. I feel so torn. I think that’s why I won’t talk to him about it because I know I can’t stay with him once I know it all. I just agonise over it in my head and it’s making me feel awful

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What everyone else is saying.

 

Basically, what you learned 2 months ago is that the man you'd spent 8 months getting invested in is not quite the man you thought you were investing in. One, he likes to cross dress. Two, he is not an honest communicator. Odds are that if his Bumble bio read "Into cross dressing and being cagey" you'd have swiped left. So now you kind of have to be honest with yourself and ask if you really want to keep swiping right on him—if you want these two things (crossdressing and caginess) to be part of your relationship, things you "work on" and "work through."

 

I don't think you do. It's a bummer, I know, but it might be even more of a bummer to lie to yourself to accommodate someone lying to you.

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I feel like I’m second guessing everything about him. Wondering what else there is. Questioning every word he says trying to read into if it means anything weird. Wondering what he’s doing all the time, what he looks at on his phone. Always having an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach but here I am saying nothing not helping myself

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It is hard to break up but isn't it harder to date this way?

I feel like I’m second guessing everything about him. Wondering what else there is. Questioning every word he says trying to read into if it means anything weird. Wondering what he’s doing all the time, what he looks at on his phone. Always having an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach but here I am saying nothing not helping myself
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I get that it's all upsetting. That's because it all is upsetting.

 

I can go down the easy-on-him path you, the one where he did not mean to lie but was looking for the right time. There's probably lots of truth to that, and sitting here at my computer I've got plenty of sympathy for him. It can be hard to be who we are, let alone sharing who we are with people.

 

But all that does not mean the record is not scratched. Significantly scratched.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months. I probably know far less about her than I know. Maybe there are some things she has not yet felt comfortable telling me. But I trust, right now, that whatever those things are will not rock the boat. If say, one of those things was that she wanted to have sex with multiple partners, or was into something sexually that was outside my wheelhouse but didn't feel comfortable telling me this until now—well, the boat would be rocked and I'd be jumping ship. What ain't for me ain't for me.

 

What I think you are doing is taking a kind of universal story—about how relationships require patience, about how people are complex—and trying to apply it to a situation that doesn't warrant it, or at least a situation that is not soothed by those universal truths. Hence the spinning, the second guessing, the pit in your stomach. Whatever the cause of that, those are not things that coexist with romantic harmony. In this case, the cause itself—his cross dressing, along with his mode of communicating it—is not something that you can coexist with, harmoniously.

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So different take....

 

No one, emotionally healthy, lays out all their secrets on date one or even month one.

 

This isn’t something like , hey I have a kid, or I’m still going through a divorce .

 

This is something incredibly personal and potential something he’s embarrassed about that he trusted you enough to share when he felt it was safe. But clearly it wasn’t safe and you judged him for it.

 

Not cool in my book but to each their own. If you aren’t ok with it you aren’t ok with it, that completely your right.

 

Breaking it off now rather than later, to me would be the best. He deserves someone who embraces all of him, no judgement that it’s not you, it’s just reality.

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I feel like I’m second guessing everything about him. Wondering what else there is. Questioning every word he says trying to read into if it means anything weird. Wondering what he’s doing all the time, what he looks at on his phone. Always having an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach but here I am saying nothing not helping myself

 

This seems more I hate to say, homophobia, than anything else, I don’t think it’s conscious and I’m not judging but your verbiage right now...

 

Like for example... you’re now worried about what he looks at on his phone? What does that have to do with anything? What exactly are you scared he looks at? Were you fearful before?

 

I still stand by my original advice. You have every right to like what you like and be comfortable with what you are.

 

The added judgement though.... I’m kinda squirming here.

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Not once have I ever judged him or even thought about his sexuality. I know this my insecurities and my problem. You in turn have straight away judged me! There are a few more things that aren’t feeling quite right but I wanted to come on here and try and get peoples takes advice on how to deal with MY problem. As I’ve said on here I really like this guy and I would love to get over this and make it work. There’s always different opinions and no one is right or wrong, they are just opinions and advice

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Not once have I ever judged him or even thought about his sexuality. I know this my insecurities and my problem. You in turn have straight away judged me! There are a few more things that aren’t feeling quite right but I wanted to come on here and try and get peoples takes advice on how to deal with MY problem. As I’ve said on here I really like this guy and I would love to get over this and make it work. There’s always different opinions and no one is right or wrong, they are just opinions and advice

 

You’re deflecting.

 

Can you answer the question and elaborate on what you mean by you’re now wondering about what he looks up on his phone? And we’re you concerned before he shared this information? What exactly are you concerned to see and why?

 

All serious questions, it’s not about judging a potential prejudice, whether we like it or not we all have prejudices, often due to our upbringing, religious or moral background etc. it’s more exploring it and recognizing it, if you name a fear it makes it easier to work through.

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Talk to him about it and ask him what he does, what he likes, what he prefers, doesn't prefer.

 

I think you're building it all up in your head and it's doing unnecessary damage and causing you anxiety. It may be he likes the feel of nylon on his skin or the practice of putting on make up (the application that's fun and exciting to him). He may be looking for a specific thing or just into a few aspects of it. Cross-dressing isn't just about switching up a set of clothes or him putting on women's clothes. He may also feel liberated in ways that he doesn't feel in his typical male clothing ensemble. He may also tell you he doesn't like a lot of things and draws the line at clothing instead of actual gender-bending. You don't know all of this if you aren't open to talking about it. I understand you're confused and upset but you'll have to get over it if you want to continue seeing him.

 

Just as he wasn't completely honest at the start, you aren't completely honest with him now either if you're having second thoughts about it all. Be mature about it, chat about it with him and get to know each other more. This is only 10 months in. You're supposed to be getting to know each other.

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I matched with a guy on a dating site who ticked all the boxes.

We chatted for a few days & had so many things in common it was insane.

He then told me that he likes to wear lingerie while having sex, and that he was looking for a woman who is ok with it and would let him be the feminine one in the bedroom.

I thought it over, thanked him for being open & honest with me, but I was very sorry, I wasnt the one he was looking for.

 

I can see now that he did me a huge favour opening up so early to me.

I think your bf is very selfish by not giving you the opportunity early on to make the decision whether you wanted to explore this further or not.

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Figureitout23, I shouldn’t have mentioned the looking at phone come to think about it, that’s a separate issue to the cross dressing. There’s other things that I’m not comfortable disclosing here that’s lead to me to wonder what he gets up to etc I originally came on here to ask advice on getting over this fear of talking to him about the cross dressing

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Ignore people who tell you you must date politically. Or who shame you into dating someone whose sexuality practices are unattractive to you. Who you date and who and what you are attracted to is personal, not political. You do not have to accept his behavior. You need to do what's right for you and what your gut is telling you.

I’ve said on here I really like this guy and I would love to get over this and make it work.
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