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Why did she do this?


MagedM

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I will try to make long story short, I work with this lady in a firm. she was engaged but she was flirting or showing interest in me that after just one week with each other she told me that she knows who I am in love with because my eyes expose me and she was betting me to say her name. Soon I started to get comments from colleagues and manager as she comes to my office many times, but when I asked her if she in love with her man she said yes, so I made up problem with her thinking that it is the best way to make her back off but she did not and she kept making up to me apologizing to me for hours and following me on the next day to ask me if I am still angry at her. Which made me think that maybe I mean something to her so I Gave up and give it another chance, we talked for hours the following days she flirted, sometimes I flirt back and then I asked her again if she loves her man she said yes so again I made a problem with her and I told her that people are talking about us and that they say that she is with me in the morning and with her fiancée in the afternoon, though that did not make her to cut me out. And after couple of times that I raise an issue with her and find her that she still sticks around or did not cut me out I thought that maybe she has feelings for me but she did not know what to do or maybe she wants to make sure that I love her, and every time I raise an issue with her and find her still around and tolerate my attitude I get deeper feelings for her. Till I reached the stage that when I told her that I am into her. And not as usually expected from an engaged girl that did not make her cut me out as well, she still around talking and flirting although technically she rejected me. So not as previously, now I have reached my limits and loved her and it was hard for me to let her go but she rejects me over and over by saying you should not say such thing, it will never happen, if you keep saying such things you will make me not to talk to you again and that she does not want to do that, and why are you telling me such things, but yet she did not cut me out but she was still flirting in different way by blocking my way or interruption my conversation with a friend holding my arm, laughing in funny way that made me look at her to find her looking back at me, touching my chest, cornering me to get something happened as well once which drove me crazy and made me think that I am reading things into it . And after I have been torn apart and put together over and over I got really exhausted and I made up a problem with her, I do not know how she interpret what I said but if it was not insulting to her and her man at least it is implicitly, I hung up the phone on her while she is talking (shouting at me). she gets really upset and we did not talk.

 

Until after almost 10 days when it happened to be the Easter and I found her texting me saying that she knows that she should not talk to me but she wanted to say happy Easter, I replied to her thanks, then she said why are you responding like you do not want to talk to me.

The next day I talked to her saying that I cannot keep going in this relationship with her, and surprisingly I found her asking me why, I asked her “so you do not know why” and I have no idea what she is doing, she said no I do not, so I told her so it is pointless to tell you if you do not know by now. She insisted to tell her by telling me “why do not you want to tell me?”, then I responded screaming out loud because I loved you, she tried to change the subject and I told her “are you crazy?”. Then she told me that what I want to do is wrong, I told her that I cannot do anything else, she said but some people cannot be married but they can stay together, then I did not know what to think or what she is up to, is she hinting for extramarital affair? So I had to redirect the conversation by saying you mean as friends, she said yes, then I said I cannot do that, she said but I love to talk to you and take your advice in many things. I said again I cannot do that, she said “so you get things the way you want or you leave it all together” I said and I do not know why all the persistence it was torturing leaving her already, yes that the way I am

 

Then I was shocked finding her telling ok just know that even if I was not engaged we would not fit each other. Then I became speechless

Why she was trying to make me change my mind and stay in her life that I almost gave up and then stab me like this, I was leaving her alone, if she had no feelings for me and I mean nothing to her why she was so mean. Why she tried to convince me not to cut her out although she knows that I love her and as she said she loves someone else who she is getting married to?

Please help me to understand what she was up to as it does not add up to me.

There are so many details, I did not mention, I do not know if they will make any difference of your advice but I tried to make it not so long.

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Find a dictionary, look up the word "minx." You got tangled up with one. That's the story, old as time. She liked attention, liked the buzz, and in you she found someone willing to supply it. It's not mysterious, sorry to say.

 

Big questions to ask? What's up with you to continuously engage with an engaged woman? It took two, after all, to get you where you are today. She was toxic bonfire the moment she batted eyelashes at you, as someone who is engaged and batting eyelashes at others is a toxic bonfire. You chose to burn yourself, over and over again.

 

Figure out why and you'll be free. Keep trying to figure her out and you'll be trapped.

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It's best to get on dating sites or join some clubs, groups, teams, etc outside of work and start talking to and meeting single available women you don't work with. This has sexual harassment written all over it. Stop and keep your job.

 

The work place is not a singles bar. Stop staring at or flirting with women at work. If you believe they are doing it, cut it off at the pass. When coworkers are gossiping about it, it's time to get yourself together and start acting processional.

I work with this lady in a firm.

 

she was engaged but she was flirting or showing interest in me.

 

I started to get comments from colleagues and manager as she comes to my office many times

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This woman sounds really dodgy and doesn't have any morals! She clearly doesn't respect her relationship with her fiance. She's just been using you to get attention and self validation. I doubt she has real feelings for you. She might find you attractive so she likes to use you as an ego boost. I'm surprised that you've been letting her do this to you for so long. You really need to stop talking to her completely! If you see her at work, just say: "Hi" and then talk to her and see her as little as possible.

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What two ? I have never been in such situation

 

What two? Why, that would be you.

 

You did this, too. You plus her, not her to you.

 

Like, say you see an open door in an alleyway. Above the door is a sign reading "don't enter." When, months later, you find yourself trapped it is not because the open door sucked you in; it's because you walked through it, then down the stairs, then through the halls, and so on.

 

So, time for you to walk out of the room. She can do whatever she wants, but you know she's no good for you.

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What two? Why, that would be you.

 

You did this, too. You plus her, not her to you.

 

When, months later, you find yourself trapped it is not because the open door sucked you in;

 

I understand your point and I am not saying I am irresponsible but I loved her. For you it could be just an open door that you may know what will happen after going through it although nothing is ever guaranteed but for me it was not the same way as it could not make any sense to me that she would be like that with me with her persistence and clinginess although she is in love with someone else. So if I may, I can say that I was sort of sucked in with hope and with what she did which is hard for me to say and believe that she has been using me. After all, I truely loved her.

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I love my girlfriend. Were I to find out, later today, that she is involved with someone else I would break up with her. Had I known, even before saying hello to her, that she was involved with someone else I would have politely said goodbye shortly after that first hello, especially if she was being flirty with me—even though, if you'll trust me on this, she is about as compelling as compelling gets, an enticing doorway to cross.

 

But all that would be a massive impediment to the potential for love, as I define it, not a pathway toward it.

 

Point being, just being real with you, something is up with you to have allowed yourself to get this invested—to define whatever you're feeling as love—in someone you knew was engaged to be married to someone who is not you. Something in you liked that, something in you wanted to get sucked in. What is that something?

 

Is it that you are someone scared of actually being committed to someone so you can only "love" that which you can't really have? Is it that you get off on danger? Is it that you are very lonely lately? Is it that you don't believe yourself to be worthy of someone sincere? Is it that you are competitive by nature and that nature got you all twisted up?

 

These are not questions asked in judgement, but they are the questions you should be asking. Most people, I think you'll agree, don't "love" people who aren't committing to them, having sex with them, and so on. Not possible. They may "crush" on said people, becoming momentarily infatuated, but "true love"? No.

 

So that's not to negate your feelings—you want to call this true love, fine—but to encourage you to understand that those feelings have a seriously iffy trigger. She's an engaged woman who chose to flirt with a dude. I can't tell you why, but I can tell you that's a story that has been spinning around the globe for centuries. In this story the dude is you. Why'd you want to be that dude? Focus on that, not her, and you'll be good.

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I love my girlfriend. Were I to find out, later today, that she is involved with someone else I would break up with her. Had I known, even before saying hello to her, that she was involved with someone else I would have politely said goodbye shortly after that first hello, especially if she was being flirty with me—even though, if you'll trust me on this, she is about as compelling as compelling gets, an enticing doorway to cross.

 

But all that would be a massive impediment to the potential for love, as I define it, not a pathway toward it.

 

Point being, just being real with you, something is up with you to have allowed yourself to get this invested—to define whatever you're feeling as love—in someone you knew was engaged to be married to someone who is not you. Something in you liked that, something in you wanted to get sucked in. What is that something?

 

Is it that you are someone scared of actually being committed to someone so you can only "love" that which you can't really have? Is it that you get off on danger? Is it that you are very lonely lately? Is it that you don't believe yourself to be worthy of someone sincere? Is it that you are competitive by nature and that nature got you all twisted up?

 

These are not questions asked in judgement, but they are the questions you should be asking. Most people, I think you'll agree, don't "love" people who aren't committing to them, having sex with them, and so on. Not possible. They may "crush" on said people, becoming momentarily infatuated, but "true love"? No.

 

So that's not to negate your feelings—you want to call this true love, fine—but to encourage you to understand that those feelings have a seriously iffy trigger. She's an engaged woman who chose to flirt with a dude. I can't tell you why, but I can tell you that's a story that has been spinning around the globe for centuries. In this story the dude is you. Why'd you want to be that dude? Focus on that, not her, and you'll be good.

 

Thank you ...

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I am sorry but please bear with me, I need to ask about one more thing

 

What should I expect from her when I confront her with the way she behaved?

 

Because actually I did a couple of times but she did not acknowledge that she was flirting and even when I told her that I love her and she acted like surprised, I asked her if she did not know,she denied that she knew although as I said earlier she told me that "she knows that I am in love and who I am in love with as my eyes expose me" and I am quoting which I consider if I may as flirting and encouraging, which made me more confused about what I should believe, what is going on and how I interpret things.

 

In order not to do her wrong I assumed that my interpretation to what she did as flirting was coming from the delusion of my feelings for her. But still on the other hand if there is nothing wrong with her why were the rumors going around about the 2 of us? till my manager told me once that he thinks that she will dump her fiancee and stick with you, and there are other things that she did that for me and at least some could say that it was something more than friendship but I am trying to keep the post short.

So my accusation to her that she is behaving in an intimate way, letting alone that as I mentioned previously I tried to make up problems with her, but even that did not make her avoid me as I assume if she sincerely sees me as just a colleague or friend that she should have seen me as someone insane that would see things that do not exist.

 

That's why I tried to state how she was with me in my main post as much as possible after describing it as being flirty ending with me cutting her out of my life while she was not helping not mentioning that she is the one who should have done that, because I have some difficulty understanding if she has no feelings for why the bother of all that for her, not mentioning risking her relationship with the man she says she loves, moreover that I have lost track of what I should understand and what's true, only get affected by what's happening.

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Do not confront a coworker about a romantic situation. It will come to no good. You won't get a straight answer anyway. The best thing you can do to get your point across is to be cordial, professional and pull way back from this.

 

No staring, no looks, no chitchat. Just work stuff. Be very busy at work. Be friendly with other coworkers. revamp all your social media and project a socially active, confident guy.

 

Especially make sure your LinkedIn profile is up to date and professional looking. When workplace flirtations go too far like this you could lose your job. If you confront her, you're asking to be fired for sexual harassment.

when I confront her with the way she behaved?
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So my accusation to her that she is behaving in an intimate way, letting alone that as I mentioned previously I tried to make up problems with her, but even that did not make her avoid me as I assume if she sincerely sees me as just a colleague or friend that she should have seen me as someone insane that would see things that do not exist.

 

..... if she has no feelings for why the bother of all that for her, not mentioning risking her relationship with the man she says she loves, moreover that I have lost track of what I should understand and what's true, only get affected by what's happening.

 

Do not speak to her. Do not address her. Do not look her way. Do not make up problems with her. She is her own problem alone (without you involved). It's none of her business what your eyes are like. You're both at work so keep at it. Change your perspective and stop thinking everyone is level headed and don't wait for people to behave appropriately around you (many people will not!). Do it yourself and be appropriate on your own terms. Go for counselling and work out why you have so much trouble seeing reality from illusion or inability creating boundaries yourself.

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Find a dictionary, look up the word "minx." You got tangled up with one. That's the story, old as time. She liked attention, liked the buzz, and in you she found someone willing to supply it. It's not mysterious, sorry to say.

 

Big questions to ask? What's up with you to continuously engage with an engaged woman? It took two, after all, to get you where you are today. She was toxic bonfire the moment she batted eyelashes at you, as someone who is engaged and batting eyelashes at others is a toxic bonfire. You chose to burn yourself, over and over again.

 

Figure out why and you'll be free. Keep trying to figure her out and you'll be trapped.

That's about it.

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