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confused as to why he has done this


jeezrick

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I came to my boyfriend's city for the weekend. He lives in a different city so we only see each other at the weekend. Spent a lot of money to get here, currently extremely broke. My boyfriend is usually extremely attentive and really caring for context. We've only been together a few months.

 

Anyway, since I have arrived it's been non stop running errands. He is moving house next week and so is currently staying at a hotel.

 

Anyway. When I got here on Friday it was past 9pm and he said he needed to go back to work to print stuff off. This took less than an hour. All good - appreciated him picking me up! We dropped the printouts at his sisters (first time I met her). We stopped for a coffee and he was messing around on instagram when I was trying to tell him about my week. Jokingly I said "Every time you go on your phone I'm gonna stop talking!". We laughed about it, he put his phone away and we carried on as normal. After this about 1am we went to smoke weed with his brother until about 3am. First time meeting his brother as well. Went well - all chatting and getting on.

 

When we got back to the hotel BF started crying - saying I had made him feel guilty about using his phone before and we weren't "connected" as we usually are. Felt taken aback and tried to reassure him it wasn't an issue, more a pet peeve which I've told him about. Chat lasted 2 hours ish. Slept about 5am.

 

Had to wake up at 10am as he had an event he had to do in another city at 2pm. I went to this and waited around whilst he did it. Took 4 hours round trip to get there. Obviously I enjoyed watching him do this, but the effort I feel was there on my behalf.

 

We then went to his sister's bday party where I met all his family and his best friend and his wife. All went well, felt relaxed and happy around him, everything back to normal. He then met his brother again at 1am to smoke. I said I didn't want to go because I was tired, so he went. Even though he lives with this brother all week. After like an hour I asked him to come back because it was our last night together, which he did.

 

Sunday morning we both had to wake up at 8am again to move stuff for his house move, which involved me basically sitting in the car for three hours so his friend could help him carry stuff. Obviously I understand this is necessary and needed to be done, he kept saying "I appreciate you so much, thank you for waiting" etc., and jokingly said it was "inhumane treatment" to leave me in a car so long doing nothing.

 

Come 4pm, he says he needs to go to his weekly running training which will take 2 hours. This would take us up to 7pm. So he's dropped me at a local coffee shop and then he's going to be 2 hours. After 2 and a half hours i text him saying "how long will you be?" and he replies saying he's jsut getting a picture for instagram. I say "really? okay. dont you think thats not on when ive been waiting nearly 3 hours".

 

I felt like . I know its so childish but I made such an effort to be there and I just felt so exhausted by all the running around. We didn't do anything nice, and we didn't really interact apart from during the drives to the things he needed to do. I spent over £100 travelling down and for the hotel.

 

On top of this I have had really bad UTI infection so still had a temperature and feel sick. Also felt extremely anxious in a motorway service station coffee shop unable to leave or get home (BF had agreed to take me home because of expensive trains)

 

When BF picked me up he shouted at me, calling me selfish and manipulative. Saying that it's the first time he saw his friend all week. I said I felt low on the list of his priorities and that I was ill and tired. He said I wanted him to cancel his session. I replied saying there was countless times when I had he had a flat that I would wait there whilst he was training and NEVER bother him on the training he did, even if he was late. My issue, I said, was being uncomfortable, ratty and ill and wanting to not be in a public place. I apologised for the texts which were out of character, and admitted they were y.

 

 

 

He was silent the hour it took to drive back. We stopped at services halfway and I bought him a cuddly keyring type thing and a doughnut as a stupid peace offering - I really didn't see how much it would blow up.

 

He said he was leaving as soon as he dropped me off (we would usually get food). I was really upset crying and he just basically shut down - wouldn't look at me, wouldn't respond to me trying to hug him. He said "I just want to go home" over and over again. Then I said "are we done with this then?" (meaning the argument) and he said "yes" - I said "are we breaking up right now?" and he said I am.

 

Sent him numerous apology texts after he left. Didnt respond. He called me last night and basically said:

 

 

 

> He didn't want to be with someone so manipulative

 

> I acted like his sister

 

> I was making him feel guilty when he shouldn't

 

> I knew he was insecure and still I acted so nastily

 

He then said we should have an in person conversation but he needs a "few more days to think about his decision"

 

 

 

---- Am I missing something? I know I was a with the messages, but like I said, I was so fed up at 7pm on a Sunday after such a busy weekend. Is it enough to breakup with someone?!?!

 

 

 

My mum thinks he's just overwhelmed with stress and gone nuclear. I'd appreciate any insights

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I think he's a big freakin' baby... and perhaps bi-polar.

 

His mood swings, crying, being nasty then apologizing, then being nasty again.

 

I would let him try to find someone else who enjoys sitting around waiting for him to do all his own things, only to be shouted at for asking when he will be done.

 

LOSER!

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Personally, I think the breakup was coming and he is the kind of coward who will pick a fight and gaslight you rather than just be civil. Whatever is his deal with Instagram, it seems there is a new filly he's cut from the herd and you are being discarded.

 

Overall, relationships aren't built on good times, but on how people behave under stress. He showed you that he is a self centered jerk. The moving thing is one thing, going off to do other things while leaving you in a coffee shop for hours is ...well...pretty low and he knows it himself. The joking around that he is being inhumane to you wasn't really much of a joke. It was telling the truth. Which of course leads to your part in this mess. Why did you go visit him knowing all that he has going on this particular weekend? It sounds like your expectations and timing was also off. At any rate, you got a taste of what he is really like and it wasn't pretty. Bullet dodged. Even if he contacts you later, I wouldn't take him back if I were you because he did sh4tty things and blamed you and twisted it all around on you as you if you are at fault for his bad behavior. Stay away from guys like that.

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How did you meet? Are you homeless? When did he move and why is he living in a motel? Don't visit when he's too busy. Be busy doing things to make money or at least have fun. If you are "broke" stop buying drugs.

 

 

Wow so many unrelated things you have assumed...

 

No I am not homeless.

I am "broke" because I just graduated. I have a new admin job but don't get paid until next month.

I didn't buy drugs. My (ex)BF did.

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Long distance relationships take a lot of commitment on both sides if they're going to work, and it seems that the commitment is there on your side - but not quite so much on his.

 

Moving house is a very stressful occasion, second only to bereavement and divorce, so it makes sense that he was preoccupied with this. However, he seems to have been distancing you for the rest of the time without good reason - e.g. going off to smoke with his brother at 1.00am, leaving you for three hours while he did his running training etc. It sounds like he wanted to get on with whatever, and you were just a bit of inconvenience on the side. Whilst sending angry texts to him possibly wasn't the best way of dealing with it, he was showing you a high level of disrespect and your annoyance is understandable.

 

You say you've only been together for a few months, and it could be that the 'honeymoon period' is over, and what you're seeing is the real him. You say you hadn't met his family and friends before now, and if you only see each other at weekends you won't actually have had much of a chance to see how you really fit together. I can't say that a couple of rows over one weekend would be enough to break up with someone per se - but if this is a taste of what you can expect in the future, that might well be.

 

Up to you... but he was distancing you, resenting you for demanding his time when you'd spent money you don't really have in order to see him, and expecting you to hang around on your own while he carried on doing his own thing. Even though he was apparently apologetic, he then did the same thing later on.

 

In a truly caring relationship, you wouldn't have to be phoning him at 2.00am to ask him to spend your last night together with you. He then accused you of 'making' him feel bad. This is game playing.

 

Again, up to you - but considering that this is costing you a lot of money at a time when you're broke, I think YOU should be asking yourself if it's worth it. I get that the relationship has been wonderful so far, but I think he's come to expect you to have no needs or expectations yourself and things turn ugly when you state otherwise... and my hunch is that you can expect a lot more of this in the future if you hang around.

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I think he's a big freakin' baby... and perhaps bi-polar.

 

His mood swings, crying, being nasty then apologizing, then being nasty again.

 

I would let him try to find someone else who enjoys sitting around waiting for him to do all his own things, only to be shouted at for asking when he will be done.

 

LOSER!

 

Erm... there's nothing in her post to suggest he's bipolar. Stoned idiot, yes.

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Erm... there's nothing in her post to suggest he's bipolar. Stoned idiot, yes.

 

Seriously?

 

When we got back to the hotel BF started crying - saying I had made him feel guilty about using his phone before and we weren't "connected" as we usually are.

 

"I appreciate you so much, thank you for waiting" etc., and jokingly said it was "inhumane treatment" to leave me in a car so long doing nothing.

 

When BF picked me up he shouted at me, calling me selfish and manipulative.

 

He was silent the hour it took to drive back.

 

He said he was leaving as soon as he dropped me off. He just basically shut down - wouldn't look at me, wouldn't respond to me trying to hug him.

 

He said "I just want to go home" over and over again.

 

I said "are we breaking up right now?" and he said I am.

 

Sure looks it to me!

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Who's idea was it for you to go out? Why did you go if you are broke?

 

How old is he?

 

You apologized? Where is your self respect! You should have been out of there much earlier, and been done. Do not allow people to treat YOU like this.

 

This guy is a total azzhole. Lose him!

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Despite what the world seems to think about how harmless it is to smoke weed, smoking it daily is going to create a dependency and mood swings... not to mention staying up until all hours of the night and trying to communicate while exhausted and detoxing... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand why your BF is behaving this way.

 

He is behaving in an extremely self-centered way... leaving you sitting in cars and cafe's for hours on end while he runs errands... and you are behaving in an extremely low value way in that you actually agreed to do any of that. To be honest it doesn't seem like he is all that into you, or that he has respect for you, and it would seem that you don't have any respect for yourself which is why all of this is happening.

 

As others have said, pick your self respect up off the floor and stop investing time in someone that treats you so carelessly.

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Despite what the world seems to think about how harmless it is to smoke weed, smoking it daily is going to create a dependency and mood swings... not to mention staying up until all hours of the night and trying to communicate while exhausted and detoxing... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand why your BF is behaving this way.

 

He is behaving in an extremely self-centered way... leaving you sitting in cars and cafe's for hours on end while he runs errands... and you are behaving in an extremely low value way in that you actually agreed to do any of that. To be honest it doesn't seem like he is all that into you, or that he has respect for you, and it would seem that you don't have any respect for yourself which is why all of this is happening.

 

As others have said, pick your self respect up off the floor and stop investing time in someone that treats you so carelessly.

 

Let's not forget that heavy use leads to schizophrenia.

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Please see a doctor for your UTI and don't let it progress. How often do you have UTIs? Pee after you have sex. Also keep in mind some positions are worse than others when it comes to infections.

 

I don't think you should have gone to see him on a busy weekend like this. I understand you probably wanted to be supportive but if you do want to succeed with relationships in general, you'll have to know when to take a step back and allow your partner to handle some situations on his/her own. It doesn't mean that you cannot be supportive. Be supportive in other ways but don't be a tag along unless your emotional support or presence is specifically requested. Moves or moving house shouldn't be meddled with (this is none of your business). He's a grown man and he has friends to help him move if he should need any man power. If he needs your actual help, let him request it of you and know exactly what your role is if you show up. Don't ever just show up without knowing what you're getting into when someone is moving. There is a lot of chaos and potential for misunderstandings. If you know a person is also disorganized, this is a bad idea. Be smart about it.

 

If he's working, you shouldn't be tagging long. Keep your distance at arm's length and be respectful of each others' professional life and career. Do not beat yourself up over this either. Most young couples make the mistake of being joined at the hip. This doesn't work in the long term. It's usually fine for the honeymoon period until cracks start to show like this.

 

My advice for now: Let things cool down and blow over. Give yourself a few days to collect yourself and then come back to this with a clearer head. He owes you an apology for his shoddy behaviour and flippant attitude. It's disrespectful. If he doesn't get back to you or treats you like you are disposable, I don't think it matters whether or not he's on drugs (he just is and there's nothing you can do about it). Take him for everything that he is and that he isn't to you and make a decision from there. You should very well know that this is not the way to treat someone even if you're irritable with each other. You should learn how to fight fair as a couple and learn to acknowledge your mistakes (both of you). If one person can't do that, it's not going to work. Be fair with him and yourself.

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(ex) BF asked to met when I was next free to have a conversation in person .... this was after I explained my POV and my frustration.

 

I said I wouldn't contact him until I saw him (possibly Friday, but my UTI has worsened and waiting on a GP appointment) and have stuck to my word.

 

Any advice on the meet? Anything that I should expect/what is the rationale behind him visiting do you think?

 

I clearly don't want to break up with him.

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It this moving man? Stoner guy? Or someone local?

 

Make sure you don't accept a fwb in lieu of reconciliation when meeting an ex. It sounds like that is his reason for meeting...a hookup/fwb. If he wanted to stay bf/gf he would.

 

The mere fact that he moved away from you means he sees nothing happening in the future. But one last roll and dump is what some guys do.

(ex) BF asked to met when I was next free to have a conversation in person. I clearly don't want to break up with him.
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