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Thread: Are my wife and best mate attracted to each other?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    This just sounds like they are friends who have a lot in common. My husband and I are friends with another couple and whenever we get together, my friend's husband and I get along like a house on fire.

    Nothing going on, zero physical attraction.

    I think this a mountain out of a molehill.

  2. #22
    Well the observations that our marriage may not be great are somewhat true. We have had a very rough few years. I was working way too much, away from home a lot, and basically spent years heading towards a breakdown which finally happened last year. I am much better now, and we are much better, but during those years when neither of us realized I was suffering severe depression, she felt like I didn't even like her anymore, let alone love her. And now I'm well again she is finding its taking a bit of a time to shake off those feelings she had for so long. So I guess you could say she is the perfect candidate when it comes to feeling something for someone else!

    As I said originally, I don't believe they are having an affair. I don't believe either would cross that line. I can't even imagine that they would have acknowledged their feelings to each other. If I am right I believe they both feel wretched about it. I was just looking for opinions on whether what my gut is telling me, that they have feelings for each other, seems right and if so, does it really matter if I truly believe they will never cross the line? Should I just wait for it to fizzle out on its own? Maybe I'm giving them too much credit?!

    I don't want to cool my friendship with him. He's my oldest and dearest friend, he's like family. We're godparents to his girls. The kids adore each other. Our wives have a friendship too. And to answer the question about his wife, I have no idea if she senses anything. We are friendly but clearly not as friendly as our spouses are! I would never bring this up with her. And I'm worried about bringing it up with either of them in case I'm wrong or making a mountain out of a mole hill and do irreparable damage to either relationship. Their relationship is not great it has to be said and hasn't been for some time. But they will stick it out for the girls, rightly or wrongly.

    Would it be naive of me to just accept that they have feelings for each other and let it run its course? Am I being too understanding?!

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. Keep rebuilding from here. Also make sure you have regular doctor visits and regular appts with a therapist for follow up. If you missed severe depression last time, it's easy to miss any prodromal symptoms.

    The privacy of your therapist's office is also a good place to explore this inkling you have about your friend and wife's friendship.
    Originally Posted by SouthernSoft
    basically spent years heading towards a breakdown which finally happened last year. I am much better now, and we are much better, but during those years when neither of us realized I was suffering severe depression
    I don't want to cool my friendship with him. He's my oldest and dearest friend, he's like family. We're godparents to his girls. The kids adore each other. Our wives have a friendship too.

  4. #24
    Originally Posted by SouthernSoft
    Do you think it is inappropriate then? I'm not sure if I'm seeing something that just isn't there. That perhaps they just genuinely get on well? To be clear, I'm not laying this all at my mates door. I believe the spark, if there is one, to be mutual. She touches him too when she's talking to him. She doesn't avoid sitting next to him. etc etc
    Exactly! If she touch him too... They got a connexion...

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Emotional affairs tend to happen most often when there is an emotional disconnection with a person's primary partner. An emotional affair can be as damaging as a physical affair. What would I do in your shoes? Until you get back a great connection with your wife, instead of spending family get togethers with your friend, I'd have relatives or a sitter watch your kids so you and your wife can go on mini getaways or at least a date night.

    Maybe take up a new hobby with your wife. How about sexy tango lessons, or salsa, which should really amp up a connection that has faded? If that's not your thing, think of something you'd both enjoy. Just make the dates more adventurous than dinner and a movie. They can be daytime things like a bike ride or hike in a park with a picnic lunch. A class where you paint a painting in one session. Go to a couples store and pick up new stuff for bedroom activities.

    Explain to your friend why you're opting to concentrate on your marriage right now. Real friends understand this. Ask your wife to attend couples counseling if you think it's necessary.

    I don't know if bottling up your worries is a good thing. If you ever feel the need to address your anxieties, I'd probably bring it up like this: I'm really sorry I put you in a place where you lost some feelings for me. I guess I'm feeling we're in a fragile state right now, and it might just be my imagination, but I can't help notice how my friend pays extra attention to you lately, and is very touchy feely. I know his marriage isn't great, and I don't want him to start thinking he can begin an emotional affair with you, even though I have total trust in you two. But for me, he's kind of crossing a line.

    You might even want to have an in person talk with your friend about his behavior, since it's a change from how he previously treated her. I'd tell him that you're feeling a bit shaky about reestablishing a good relationship with your wife, and that any other guy calling her sweetheart and being touchy feely with her is making things harder for you.

    If you don't want to do this, if you go to marital counseling, the counselor might bring this subject up for you. If your wife and your friend step up their communication, I'd address relationship boundaries with your wife. Instead of being a doormat and let life happen to you, it's okay to bring up what you feel is important to keep your marriage intact.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  7. #26
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Closed......

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