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Are my wife and best mate attracted to each other?


SouthernSoft

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So my wife and I are pretty close with an old school mate of mine and his wife. Our kids are the same age as theirs and get on great. They live about 2 hours away so when we see them its usually an overnighter. Recently I've started to wonder if there is something between my wife and my mate. I don't believe they are cheating or that they ever would but I think there might be a spark there.

 

There is no obvious flirting, no innuendos, nothing like that. But when we are together they talk. A lot. To the point I sometimes feel a bit left out. He sits next to her without exception. Whether we're lounging on the couch, or in a restaurant, at the dinner table, in a theater. They always somehow wind up next to each other. He has some issues and it was actually her he first confessed his problems to, not me. And he continues to talk to her about it. I've noticed the odd hand on her waist as he squeezes past her, he calls her 'sweetheart' or 'honey', stuff like that. But none of it is obvious, it's more just a feeling I get that there is a spark. Am I reading too much into this? Are they just good friends or does it sound like there is something fizzing between them? Should I even be bothered if there is as long as it doesn't turn into anything else?

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For my part i will feel inconfortable too.... There's to much attraction... Catch her by the ties ... This is a sing.. maybe your wife doesnt see the same way of him, and its by pure innocents... But.. Man... Straight......Ive been to alot of relationship before , now find the real me... So i know Man are not like women for sure... I dont want to miss respect to your Friend

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If your wife has not said anything about his inappropriate behavior... then yes, there is something going on, or about to happen.

 

Do you think it is inappropriate then? I'm not sure if I'm seeing something that just isn't there. That perhaps they just genuinely get on well? To be clear, I'm not laying this all at my mates door. I believe the spark, if there is one, to be mutual. She touches him too when she's talking to him. She doesn't avoid sitting next to him. etc etc

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Well, it does happen. When I was a teen, two couples in the neighborhood began double dating. An affair happened, followed by divorces.

 

Yes, it's inappropriate for him to be confiding his problems with her instead of you. Does he call her daily/weekly about this? Sounds like an emotional affair.

 

I'd stop family visits with him. If you choose to continue the relationship, move it into a direction where only you two get together. I'd have a discussion with your wife about relationship boundaries, as far as communicating with him is concerned. Let her know you have a gut feeling he is into her, and that changes will be made to nip that situation in the bud. If she balks at not communicating with him regularly, she's prioritizing that "friendship" over your marriage.

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I think you are needlessly worrying. I've got lots of guy friends and am comfortable around them and sit beside them and I dont think twice about it. Nobody is hitting on the other person. It is entirely possible to be good friends with a person of the opposite sex and there be nothing untoward going on.

 

I get that but it just feels different with them. She's different with him than she is with any of my other mates. He's different with her than he is with the other wives. I don't know...

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I live by a philosophy that Ive always agreed with partners. Its not practical to say over 10-20 years of marriage that we'll never see someone that we're attracted to. So I live by one rule, if it happens, then most importantly I am honest with myself about the attraction to someone else. I then take action to ensure I stay away from them, not put myself in compromising positions with them.

 

I would ask her if there is any feelings there, and explain that it wouldnt be the end of the world if she found him attractive, we're all human and theres no judgement, she doesnt even have to talk to you about it, but ask her to respect you and avoid putting herself in a position that might cause issues. Then gently remind her theres a zero tolerance policy, if anything were to happen, by EITHER of you doing something inappropriate, there will be no discussion, the marriage is over. Gently re-assure her where your boundaries are. Then you have to just trust her.

 

 

P.S Im not even going to start correcting the appalling grammar. Hopefully you know what I mean.

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Well, it does happen. When I was a teen, two couples in the neighborhood began double dating. An affair happened, followed by divorces.

 

Yes, it's inappropriate for him to be confiding his problems with her instead of you. Does he call her daily/weekly about this? Sounds like an emotional affair.

 

I'd stop family visits with him. If you choose to continue the relationship, move it into a direction where only you two get together. I'd have a discussion with your wife about relationship boundaries, as far as communicating with him is concerned. Let her know you have a gut feeling he is into her, and that changes will be made to nip that situation in the bud. If she balks at not communicating with him regularly, she's prioritizing that "friendship" over your marriage.

 

 

They don't call each other (that I'm aware of). The conversations all take place when we are staying there or they are here. They swapped a few messages about it when he first told her (I checked her phone). It was her asking him how he was doing, that she was worried about him, and him responding. He said to me that he knew she'd tell me of his issues and that he hoped she would. I just found it strange because I was only in the next room at the time of his confession.

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Well... this is how my marriage began to fall apart. Exact same thing with my wife and neighbor (I was friends with my neighbor). When I told her I didn't appreciate the way they acted toward each other, she went through the roof. When people are cheating, they get VERY ANGRY when confronted or asked about it.

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It's one of those situations where it's hard for people to tell without being there. From what you describe, it could be just two people who are friendly and simply click that way, or it could be something potentially more. Bottom line is that if you aren't a normally jealous or insecure person and you find yourself in a situation where your alarm bells are ringing, listen to them. We have intuition for a reason and it sounds like your intuition is trying to tell you something.

 

That said, he might be into her, she might not be into him, they both might be into each other, they may act on that or never act on that. As another poster pointed out, yes you will come across people over your lifetime that you'll feel attracted to who aren't your spouse. It happens but in most cases, people don't cross those lines. At any rate, it might be a really good idea to distance yourself from this friend and cut back on sleepovers. Get busy with your life, your wife, plan some family trips or maybe a romantic getaway together, etc. Basically, work on your connection together and put your pal on cool down.

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If she doesn't call him, and all the conversations take place in front of you -- what else do you do when you have a friend that you don't see that often == she is going to talk to him. If she does not call or text him when you aren't together with them - i don't see where your marriage is down the tubes unless something else is going on in it

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But if he confides in her, she should bring you into the convo - but i wll admit my ex's friend called me to ask me what he should do once (he went on 2 dates with a woman and wanted to know how he should proceed) he wanted a woman's opinion because the guys wouldn't be honest with him. I don't think that some confessions are necessarily bad. But i did tell my ex and he was fine with it. The friend was NOT into me and vice versa - just a good friend to both. Do you confide in your wife? Do you have emotional itimacy?

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All of my husband's man friends confide in me. And ask for my advice regularly. And my attraction to them = ZERO.

 

Only be worried if they are having texts, emails, call exchanges without her telling you about them.

 

Maybe take time to go visit them early, and leave the same day. Keep sleepovers to a small minimum, well, cuz you're all adults.

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All of my husband's man friends confide in me. And ask for my advice regularly. And my attraction to them = ZERO.

 

Only be worried if they are having texts, emails, call exchanges without her telling you about them.

 

Maybe take time to go visit them early, and leave the same day. Keep sleepovers to a small minimum, well, cuz you're all adults.

 

But do they sit next you you and engage in conversation that excludes everyone else? Do they put their hand on your waist when you walk by???

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You're probably the best judge of all this, OP. That you are asking suggests to me that you and your wife don't have a very solid relationship or understanding and have probably drifted apart for awhile. Your first priority isn't figuring out what your wife is doing behind your back or playing mindreader. It should be repairing your marriage and figuring out how you drifted apart this far for this long.

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But do they sit next you you and engage in conversation that excludes everyone else? Do they put their hand on your waist when you walk by???

 

I'm not there...I have no idea what they are doing looks like. I find that sometimes when someone may be insecure, things look magnified. I have always been able to be friends with men, mostly having two older bros and being able to be rough and tumble, and having a tough as nails mom. It's also my job to talk to both sexes, and treat people like people. I also find that since the OP isn't asking the wife about this, and lacks trusts that she can keep her pants on, they probably have some other issues over the years.

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This just sounds like they are friends who have a lot in common. My husband and I are friends with another couple and whenever we get together, my friend's husband and I get along like a house on fire.

 

Nothing going on, zero physical attraction.

 

I think this a mountain out of a molehill.

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Well the observations that our marriage may not be great are somewhat true. We have had a very rough few years. I was working way too much, away from home a lot, and basically spent years heading towards a breakdown which finally happened last year. I am much better now, and we are much better, but during those years when neither of us realized I was suffering severe depression, she felt like I didn't even like her anymore, let alone love her. And now I'm well again she is finding its taking a bit of a time to shake off those feelings she had for so long. So I guess you could say she is the perfect candidate when it comes to feeling something for someone else!

 

As I said originally, I don't believe they are having an affair. I don't believe either would cross that line. I can't even imagine that they would have acknowledged their feelings to each other. If I am right I believe they both feel wretched about it. I was just looking for opinions on whether what my gut is telling me, that they have feelings for each other, seems right and if so, does it really matter if I truly believe they will never cross the line? Should I just wait for it to fizzle out on its own? Maybe I'm giving them too much credit?!

 

I don't want to cool my friendship with him. He's my oldest and dearest friend, he's like family. We're godparents to his girls. The kids adore each other. Our wives have a friendship too. And to answer the question about his wife, I have no idea if she senses anything. We are friendly but clearly not as friendly as our spouses are! I would never bring this up with her. And I'm worried about bringing it up with either of them in case I'm wrong or making a mountain out of a mole hill and do irreparable damage to either relationship. Their relationship is not great it has to be said and hasn't been for some time. But they will stick it out for the girls, rightly or wrongly.

 

Would it be naive of me to just accept that they have feelings for each other and let it run its course? Am I being too understanding?!

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Sorry this happened. Keep rebuilding from here. Also make sure you have regular doctor visits and regular appts with a therapist for follow up. If you missed severe depression last time, it's easy to miss any prodromal symptoms.

 

The privacy of your therapist's office is also a good place to explore this inkling you have about your friend and wife's friendship.

basically spent years heading towards a breakdown which finally happened last year. I am much better now, and we are much better, but during those years when neither of us realized I was suffering severe depression

I don't want to cool my friendship with him. He's my oldest and dearest friend, he's like family. We're godparents to his girls. The kids adore each other. Our wives have a friendship too.

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Do you think it is inappropriate then? I'm not sure if I'm seeing something that just isn't there. That perhaps they just genuinely get on well? To be clear, I'm not laying this all at my mates door. I believe the spark, if there is one, to be mutual. She touches him too when she's talking to him. She doesn't avoid sitting next to him. etc etc
Exactly! If she touch him too... They got a connexion...
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Emotional affairs tend to happen most often when there is an emotional disconnection with a person's primary partner. An emotional affair can be as damaging as a physical affair. What would I do in your shoes? Until you get back a great connection with your wife, instead of spending family get togethers with your friend, I'd have relatives or a sitter watch your kids so you and your wife can go on mini getaways or at least a date night.

 

Maybe take up a new hobby with your wife. How about sexy tango lessons, or salsa, which should really amp up a connection that has faded? If that's not your thing, think of something you'd both enjoy. Just make the dates more adventurous than dinner and a movie. They can be daytime things like a bike ride or hike in a park with a picnic lunch. A class where you paint a painting in one session. Go to a couples store and pick up new stuff for bedroom activities.

 

Explain to your friend why you're opting to concentrate on your marriage right now. Real friends understand this. Ask your wife to attend couples counseling if you think it's necessary.

 

I don't know if bottling up your worries is a good thing. If you ever feel the need to address your anxieties, I'd probably bring it up like this: I'm really sorry I put you in a place where you lost some feelings for me. I guess I'm feeling we're in a fragile state right now, and it might just be my imagination, but I can't help notice how my friend pays extra attention to you lately, and is very touchy feely. I know his marriage isn't great, and I don't want him to start thinking he can begin an emotional affair with you, even though I have total trust in you two. But for me, he's kind of crossing a line.

 

You might even want to have an in person talk with your friend about his behavior, since it's a change from how he previously treated her. I'd tell him that you're feeling a bit shaky about reestablishing a good relationship with your wife, and that any other guy calling her sweetheart and being touchy feely with her is making things harder for you.

 

If you don't want to do this, if you go to marital counseling, the counselor might bring this subject up for you. If your wife and your friend step up their communication, I'd address relationship boundaries with your wife. Instead of being a doormat and let life happen to you, it's okay to bring up what you feel is important to keep your marriage intact.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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