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Thread: Lost

  1. #11
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    I joking call my husband Mr. NoMance. He is the least romantic guy I know & our sex life is on par with yours, minus the kids. DH has ED. I accept that. However, if I plan, he shows up & plays his part.

    Before you completely throw in the towel & divorce tell him how sad & lonely you feel. You need to really make him hear you. Have concrete suggestions about what he can do to make you feel more cherished. You can't expect him to fix it. Give him specifics: I want a hug & kiss when you see each other after a long day & before you fall asleep. You want 1 flirty text during the day to show he's thinking about you -- a winking emoji will do.

    My husband doesn't understand why I want / need certain things -- hugs when I'm crying vs. a plan to fix the problem (or even why it's an issue in the 1st place) -- but I just explained to him that when he sees tears his response should be a hug. He was wiling to do that because he cared about me even though it makes no sense to him & he still doesn't really understand why it helps. He is however thrilled to have a response that he knows works. He can do something.

    So be specific in what you need / want.

    MC will also help.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent you are going to therapy. Yes you've both withdrawn a lot. And no stop asking him for more and more and more romance, validation, attention, etc. Clingy, needy with lists and I need, I want, you have to.. etc are the anti-attractants.

    So is talking and talking and talking. It will go in one ear out the other. Talk is lazy, cheap and very easy to tune out. That's why it never works. Zero mystery. Zero intrigue. Zero interest. Don't turn yourself into an easy to ignore rut.

    Make him think. Make him notice. Make him wonder. Go out more. Don't be a just 'mom', remember to be a woman too. Update your look, new clothes hair, etc. Get in shape, join some groups and clubs,etc. Go out more with friends. Get a job and if you work, volunteer or get a fun part-time job. Get out more. By yourself.

    Most of all, stop talking and start doing. Focus on being independent and learning that your confidence must come from within and not from him.
    Originally Posted by ChaiV
    " He is completely checked out" and "Stop looking to him for validation". I agree , i should stop with the threats too.

  3. #13
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    Hey, so all this time since then, I been happy. Not because he is giving me the attention i crave, because i am being me. I am keeping my self occupied.. with my kids, work, activities etc. today for his bday i went and bought him an expensive scotch, thinking after putting kids to bed we will have a glass together. Made him his fav dinner, after a long day and work. why because i love him and i wanted to do all this. guess what, he went to bed at 830. ate dinner, cake and went to bed right after... even before the kids went to bed.

    i think today was a wake up call for me. This has to end. I cant be empty in a marriage anymore. I dont expect you to validate it. But i just wanted to let it out in words so i can read it myself ... read it again, when tomorrow i get confused about my decision..

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is he a heavy drinker? Is it possible he's having an affair? Unfortunately he seems completely checked out. Stop revolving your life around him.
    Originally Posted by ChaiV
    for his bday i went and bought him an expensive scotch. guess what, he went to bed at 830. ate dinner, cake and went to bed right after... even before the kids went to bed. I cant be empty in a marriage anymore.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Is he a heavy drinker? Is it possible he's having an affair? Unfortunately he seems completely checked out. Stop revolving your life around him.
    No he is not a heavy drinker, but likes to take at least one be it wine, beer or scotch almost daily.

    is he having an affair --- how would i know ?

    yes he has checked out :( . After 17 yrs .... it will take time to stop revolving my life around him. But you are right, i have to.

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