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Thread: My boyfriend(20) broke up with me(21) because I ruined everything.

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend(20) broke up with me(21) because I ruined everything.

    Hi,

    I need advice because I'm a piece of and did something awful.

    So I live in NYC, and I've been deeply in love with someone for a while now. I'm 21 years old from California, and he's 20 years old from London. We're both artists. The relationship is fairly new, but we've known eachother and been talking for nearly a year now. I'm going to refer to him as J.

    J is the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, funny, ambitious, creative, sensitive, handsome, attentive... Everything you could want in a person. As I'm typing this I'm crying because even just thinking about what an amazing person he is hurts me right now. I wish I had never done it.

    We were supposed to be together, and I messed everything up.

    So... because NYC rent is expensive... I've been going on dates for money. I never had sex nor would I ever have considered that, but it doesn't matter now because I shouldn't have been talking to these men in the first place. It was just... so easy. They were willing to pay me just to spend time with them, and I was desperate. I knew it was wrong, I was going to stop soon because I was getting real estate license, but I should have stopped sooner.

    J found out about what I did when my phone went off at night and I got a text message from one of the guys. He's never checked my phone before, but I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked and I had fallen asleep before him, so when the message went off he was curious. J shook me awake and he started going through my texts right in front of me, reading them out loud in horror. I've never felt worse in my entire life. It felt like a bad dream, I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. He was angry, for obvious reason. I explained that I never had sex with any of them and that it was never an intimate thing for me. He went off on me, and I couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I left the apartment.

    The next day (yesterday) he apologized for being angry and going off on me. I deserved it, and he had no reason to apologize. He asked my why I never came to him to ask for money, and I told him I never wanted that. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone, I never wanted to cause any pain or trouble. I hadn't gone to my parents or to him for money because I cared about them and would never ask that of them. We sat in the park and he held me while I cried for hours. I had been telling him prior to all that happened I'd been feeling lost lately in regards to life, and suddenly it clicked why I had been feeling lost... I had been selling a piece of my soul for money. I should never have done it. J wanted to take me to a buddhist center that he'd been dying to take me to for several weeks because he thought it would help me find healing. We walked around the city and talked, and then I went home. Since then, I haven't stopped crying.

    My mom raised me well. I come from a very good family who love me very much. My mother is classy, smart, sweet, funny, a very hard worker. She would be absolutely heartbroken if she knew what I did. I keep thinking about that and it keeps breaking my heart more. I talked about J so much to her and she'll hate me. I don't know what to tell her.

    I lost J, I messed up, and all I want is to undo it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare I can't wake up from. We were planning a trip to Europe, and I was supposed to come to London with him for a bit when he was in an 8 month art program. I saw myself marrying him and havinga family with him. I messed all that up, and he'll never trust me again... and for what? Some money? I'm so disgusted with myself. We were eachother's first loves and I ruined it.

    What can I do? What should I do? He still loves me and I still love him, I'm his first love and he said we should remain friends and that we'll see eachother again but right now he can't see himself with me because he can't trust me. I wish I never caused that. Someone, please help me... I'm hurting so intensely I feel I can't breathe. I just want J back, I just want him to know how important he is to me. I caused him pain he doesn't deserve. I'm in pain. I just want to make him happy. I want to fix things.

  2. #2
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    I wouldn’t know where to begin in your attempt to “fix this”.

    Not sure how one would redeem thyself at this juncture.

    Forgiveness is a voluntary process but there are certain actions that are simply too difficult to overlook and nearly impossible to reconcile.

    Your ex is the only one who can make that determination.

  3. #3
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    It's too late. You're never going to get his trust back and it will never be the same again.

    Learn from this and move forwards. He's never going to get over this. Cheating and lying and having the image of you in his mind be destroyed will never be something that can be mended again.

  4. #4
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    I live in NYC and none of my friends have professionally dated to support themselves. Either you move to a cheaper area, get roommates or get a job you can be proud of.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-24-2019 at 03:04 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    We must be responsible for our decisions, and this was a decision you felt comfortable making, so you become an escort. You already knew this type of work has a seedy connatation and that you continued to work in this trade after starting to see J, you had to know the truth was going to come out at some point. And life isn't like Pretty Woman, where some rich guy sweeps you off your feet and doesn't wonder how many guys took advantage of the offerings.

    Sure, you didn't have sex with any of these men, but the option is there, and honestly how do we know you are telling the truth on this part. But, again, that is your decision. I wonder why you would have done over here in London for work, escorting again?

    Okay, so this has come to a head and J is probably no longer interested. Time to move on and try to find yourself different job, if that is what you want. But, J was just one man, and there will be more out there. You need to make the decision to follow a new path, or continue the old. And you need to accept that decision and not hide it from the next guy you meet.

  7. #6
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    I don't realistically think that this can be fixed, OP.

    The trust is that severely damaged, and it will more than likely permanently change how he looks at you. Even if he wanted to forgive you, the fall-out from this would be so significant that a relationship would be extremely difficult. You unfortunately demonstrated to him that you are capable of deception on a grand scale, for a long time, and I don't think that will be reparable.

    All you can do is take this as a tough lesson learned. Ask yourself why you turned to escorting instead of a more palatable line of work. Figure out your thought process on how you made that choice - and the choice to lie to your boyfriend - okay for yourself. You do not want to go down this path again, so it's imperative you what the heck happened inside your own emotional landscape that led to this.

    EDIT: I have to add that this line stood out to me: "He's never checked my phone before, but I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked." The fact that you berate yourself for leaving your phone unlocked tells me you had no intention of stopping this escorting any time soon, had J not grown suspicious of you and had a look at your phone. Leaving it unlocked was not the stupid move here.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    My boyfriend(20) broke up with me(21) because I ruined everything.

    Originally Posted by Foreverweekend
    Hi,

    I need advice because I'm a piece of and did something awful.

    So I live in NYC, and I've been deeply in love with someone for a while now. I'm 21 years old from California, and he's 20 years old from London. We're both artists. The relationship is fairly new, but we've known eachother and been talking for nearly a year now. I'm going to refer to him as J.

    J is the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, funny, ambitious, creative, sensitive, handsome, attentive... Everything you could want in a person. As I'm typing this I'm crying because even just thinking about what an amazing person he is hurts me right now. I wish I had never done it.

    We were supposed to be together, and I messed everything up.

    So... because NYC rent is expensive... I've been going on dates for money. I never had sex nor would I ever have considered that, but it doesn't matter now because I shouldn't have been talking to these men in the first place. It was just... so easy. They were willing to pay me just to spend time with them, and I was desperate. I knew it was wrong, I was going to stop soon because I was getting real estate license, but I should have stopped sooner.

    J found out about what I did when my phone went off at night and I got a text message from one of the guys. He's never checked my phone before, but I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked and I had fallen asleep before him, so when the message went off he was curious. J shook me awake and he started going through my texts right in front of me, reading them out loud in horror. I've never felt worse in my entire life. It felt like a bad dream, I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. He was angry, for obvious reason. I explained that I never had sex with any of them and that it was never an intimate thing for me. He went off on me, and I couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I left the apartment.

    The next day (yesterday) he apologized for being angry and going off on me. I deserved it, and he had no reason to apologize. He asked my why I never came to him to ask for money, and I told him I never wanted that. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone, I never wanted to cause any pain or trouble. I hadn't gone to my parents or to him for money because I cared about them and would never ask that of them. We sat in the park and he held me while I cried for hours. I had been telling him prior to all that happened I'd been feeling lost lately in regards to life, and suddenly it clicked why I had been feeling lost... I had been selling a piece of my soul for money. I should never have done it. J wanted to take me to a buddhist center that he'd been dying to take me to for several weeks because he thought it would help me find healing. We walked around the city and talked, and then I went home. Since then, I haven't stopped crying.

    My mom raised me well. I come from a very good family who love me very much. My mother is classy, smart, sweet, funny, a very hard worker. She would be absolutely heartbroken if she knew what I did. I keep thinking about that and it keeps breaking my heart more. I talked about J so much to her and she'll hate me. I don't know what to tell her.

    I lost J, I messed up, and all I want is to undo it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare I can't wake up from. We were planning a trip to Europe, and I was supposed to come to London with him for a bit when he was in an 8 month art program. I saw myself marrying him and havinga family with him. I messed all that up, and he'll never trust me again... and for what? Some money? I'm so disgusted with myself. We were eachother's first loves and I ruined it.

    What can I do? What should I do? He still loves me and I still love him, I'm his first love and he said we should remain friends and that we'll see eachother again but right now he can't see himself with me because he can't trust me. I wish I never caused that. Someone, please help me... I'm hurting so intensely I feel I can't breathe. I just want J back, I just want him to know how important he is to me. I caused him pain he doesn't deserve. I'm in pain. I just want to make him happy. I want to fix things.
    I have a little bit of a different perspective. You made a mistake, but at the time, you felt like you were doing what you needed to do. I’m not going to judge you for that. My roommate in college worked at a strip club. She did far more questionable things than that in my opinion. The dishonesty is what can’t happen in relationships. That will never end well. Either do something you are okay with sharing with your boyfriend or you just be honest and tell your boyfriend that you’re doing x for work and it’s on the up and up (if it is). By the way, I agree with Miss Canuck’s comment above about the bolded section.

    However!!! Anyone checking ANYONE’s phone to me is also a huge boundary issue and frankly, I would never trust someone again that did that to me. Actually, it did happen years ago and I never trusted her again. She also broke into my email. It isn’t just a single offense. When you are willing to go the distance, there are all other manner of violations available in the same category.

    You were both in the wrong in some way. Talk to him and tell him your feelings in a heartfelt way and tell him that you want to trust each other and you will be 100% honest with him from now on, or you will likely have to move on. You will get over this if you have to move on. I promise you. We have all had that “amazing boyfriend” that we were in love with and it didn’t work out and here we are today, likely healed from past wounds and mistakes in one way or another. Trust issues, in my mind, are the absolute hardest issues to recover from in any relationship. If you have no trust, you have no relationship.

  9. #8
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    I'm comfortable judging your choice (no I am not judging you as a person) to work as an escort while promising someone you are exclusively dating him -you live in NYC and there are plenty of ways to make a living appropriately (just like many many artists and theater people do in NYC), plenty of roommate opportunities from what I understand including outside the city. You chose the easy way out and you chose the consequences of betraying J and hurting him. Not all mistakes are created equal and you knew what you were doing and it was "so easy".
    I think you do ask J what you can do to make it right -not to get back together but if there's anything you can do to decrease the hurt you caused. I don't think it's a good idea for you to continue to date J because your choice means he likely will never trust you again and you'll both be walking on eggshells. But it will help you make better choices in the future.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don't need "healing" you need to get a real paying job and an apt you can afford. Alternatively move back home to your parents, go to college and pursue a profession that can make you the kind of money you need to pursue a good life.
    Originally Posted by Foreverweekend
    J found out about what I did when my phone went off at night and I got a text message from one of the guys. I hadn't gone to my parents or to him for money because I cared about them and would never ask that of them.
    What can I do?

  11. #10
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    I honestly hate myself and am feeling suicidal. I don't know what to do, I'm so scared

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