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My boyfriend(20) broke up with me(21) because I ruined everything.


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Hi,

 

I need advice because I'm a piece of and did something awful.

 

So I live in NYC, and I've been deeply in love with someone for a while now. I'm 21 years old from California, and he's 20 years old from London. We're both artists. The relationship is fairly new, but we've known eachother and been talking for nearly a year now. I'm going to refer to him as J.

 

J is the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, funny, ambitious, creative, sensitive, handsome, attentive... Everything you could want in a person. As I'm typing this I'm crying because even just thinking about what an amazing person he is hurts me right now. I wish I had never done it.

 

We were supposed to be together, and I messed everything up.

 

So... because NYC rent is expensive... I've been going on dates for money. I never had sex nor would I ever have considered that, but it doesn't matter now because I shouldn't have been talking to these men in the first place. It was just... so easy. They were willing to pay me just to spend time with them, and I was desperate. I knew it was wrong, I was going to stop soon because I was getting real estate license, but I should have stopped sooner.

 

J found out about what I did when my phone went off at night and I got a text message from one of the guys. He's never checked my phone before, but I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked and I had fallen asleep before him, so when the message went off he was curious. J shook me awake and he started going through my texts right in front of me, reading them out loud in horror. I've never felt worse in my entire life. It felt like a bad dream, I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. He was angry, for obvious reason. I explained that I never had sex with any of them and that it was never an intimate thing for me. He went off on me, and I couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I left the apartment.

 

The next day (yesterday) he apologized for being angry and going off on me. I deserved it, and he had no reason to apologize. He asked my why I never came to him to ask for money, and I told him I never wanted that. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone, I never wanted to cause any pain or trouble. I hadn't gone to my parents or to him for money because I cared about them and would never ask that of them. We sat in the park and he held me while I cried for hours. I had been telling him prior to all that happened I'd been feeling lost lately in regards to life, and suddenly it clicked why I had been feeling lost... I had been selling a piece of my soul for money. I should never have done it. J wanted to take me to a buddhist center that he'd been dying to take me to for several weeks because he thought it would help me find healing. We walked around the city and talked, and then I went home. Since then, I haven't stopped crying.

 

My mom raised me well. I come from a very good family who love me very much. My mother is classy, smart, sweet, funny, a very hard worker. She would be absolutely heartbroken if she knew what I did. I keep thinking about that and it keeps breaking my heart more. I talked about J so much to her and she'll hate me. I don't know what to tell her.

 

I lost J, I messed up, and all I want is to undo it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare I can't wake up from. We were planning a trip to Europe, and I was supposed to come to London with him for a bit when he was in an 8 month art program. I saw myself marrying him and havinga family with him. I messed all that up, and he'll never trust me again... and for what? Some money? I'm so disgusted with myself. We were eachother's first loves and I ruined it.

 

What can I do? What should I do? He still loves me and I still love him, I'm his first love and he said we should remain friends and that we'll see eachother again but right now he can't see himself with me because he can't trust me. I wish I never caused that. Someone, please help me... I'm hurting so intensely I feel I can't breathe. I just want J back, I just want him to know how important he is to me. I caused him pain he doesn't deserve. I'm in pain. I just want to make him happy. I want to fix things.

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I wouldn’t know where to begin in your attempt to “fix this”.

 

Not sure how one would redeem thyself at this juncture.

 

Forgiveness is a voluntary process but there are certain actions that are simply too difficult to overlook and nearly impossible to reconcile.

 

Your ex is the only one who can make that determination.

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We must be responsible for our decisions, and this was a decision you felt comfortable making, so you become an escort. You already knew this type of work has a seedy connatation and that you continued to work in this trade after starting to see J, you had to know the truth was going to come out at some point. And life isn't like Pretty Woman, where some rich guy sweeps you off your feet and doesn't wonder how many guys took advantage of the offerings.

 

Sure, you didn't have sex with any of these men, but the option is there, and honestly how do we know you are telling the truth on this part. But, again, that is your decision. I wonder why you would have done over here in London for work, escorting again?

 

Okay, so this has come to a head and J is probably no longer interested. Time to move on and try to find yourself different job, if that is what you want. But, J was just one man, and there will be more out there. You need to make the decision to follow a new path, or continue the old. And you need to accept that decision and not hide it from the next guy you meet.

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I don't realistically think that this can be fixed, OP.

 

The trust is that severely damaged, and it will more than likely permanently change how he looks at you. Even if he wanted to forgive you, the fall-out from this would be so significant that a relationship would be extremely difficult. You unfortunately demonstrated to him that you are capable of deception on a grand scale, for a long time, and I don't think that will be reparable.

 

All you can do is take this as a tough lesson learned. Ask yourself why you turned to escorting instead of a more palatable line of work. Figure out your thought process on how you made that choice - and the choice to lie to your boyfriend - okay for yourself. You do not want to go down this path again, so it's imperative you what the heck happened inside your own emotional landscape that led to this.

 

EDIT: I have to add that this line stood out to me: "He's never checked my phone before, but I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked." The fact that you berate yourself for leaving your phone unlocked tells me you had no intention of stopping this escorting any time soon, had J not grown suspicious of you and had a look at your phone. Leaving it unlocked was not the stupid move here.

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Hi,

 

I need advice because I'm a piece of and did something awful.

 

So I live in NYC, and I've been deeply in love with someone for a while now. I'm 21 years old from California, and he's 20 years old from London. We're both artists. The relationship is fairly new, but we've known eachother and been talking for nearly a year now. I'm going to refer to him as J.

 

J is the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, funny, ambitious, creative, sensitive, handsome, attentive... Everything you could want in a person. As I'm typing this I'm crying because even just thinking about what an amazing person he is hurts me right now. I wish I had never done it.

 

We were supposed to be together, and I messed everything up.

 

So... because NYC rent is expensive... I've been going on dates for money. I never had sex nor would I ever have considered that, but it doesn't matter now because I shouldn't have been talking to these men in the first place. It was just... so easy. They were willing to pay me just to spend time with them, and I was desperate. I knew it was wrong, I was going to stop soon because I was getting real estate license, but I should have stopped sooner.

 

J found out about what I did when my phone went off at night and I got a text message from one of the guys. He's never checked my phone before, but I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked and I had fallen asleep before him, so when the message went off he was curious. J shook me awake and he started going through my texts right in front of me, reading them out loud in horror. I've never felt worse in my entire life. It felt like a bad dream, I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. He was angry, for obvious reason. I explained that I never had sex with any of them and that it was never an intimate thing for me. He went off on me, and I couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I left the apartment.

 

The next day (yesterday) he apologized for being angry and going off on me. I deserved it, and he had no reason to apologize. He asked my why I never came to him to ask for money, and I told him I never wanted that. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone, I never wanted to cause any pain or trouble. I hadn't gone to my parents or to him for money because I cared about them and would never ask that of them. We sat in the park and he held me while I cried for hours. I had been telling him prior to all that happened I'd been feeling lost lately in regards to life, and suddenly it clicked why I had been feeling lost... I had been selling a piece of my soul for money. I should never have done it. J wanted to take me to a buddhist center that he'd been dying to take me to for several weeks because he thought it would help me find healing. We walked around the city and talked, and then I went home. Since then, I haven't stopped crying.

 

My mom raised me well. I come from a very good family who love me very much. My mother is classy, smart, sweet, funny, a very hard worker. She would be absolutely heartbroken if she knew what I did. I keep thinking about that and it keeps breaking my heart more. I talked about J so much to her and she'll hate me. I don't know what to tell her.

 

I lost J, I messed up, and all I want is to undo it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare I can't wake up from. We were planning a trip to Europe, and I was supposed to come to London with him for a bit when he was in an 8 month art program. I saw myself marrying him and havinga family with him. I messed all that up, and he'll never trust me again... and for what? Some money? I'm so disgusted with myself. We were eachother's first loves and I ruined it.

 

What can I do? What should I do? He still loves me and I still love him, I'm his first love and he said we should remain friends and that we'll see eachother again but right now he can't see himself with me because he can't trust me. I wish I never caused that. Someone, please help me... I'm hurting so intensely I feel I can't breathe. I just want J back, I just want him to know how important he is to me. I caused him pain he doesn't deserve. I'm in pain. I just want to make him happy. I want to fix things.

 

I have a little bit of a different perspective. You made a mistake, but at the time, you felt like you were doing what you needed to do. I’m not going to judge you for that. My roommate in college worked at a strip club. She did far more questionable things than that in my opinion. The dishonesty is what can’t happen in relationships. That will never end well. Either do something you are okay with sharing with your boyfriend or you just be honest and tell your boyfriend that you’re doing x for work and it’s on the up and up (if it is). By the way, I agree with Miss Canuck’s comment above about the bolded section.

 

However!!! Anyone checking ANYONE’s phone to me is also a huge boundary issue and frankly, I would never trust someone again that did that to me. Actually, it did happen years ago and I never trusted her again. She also broke into my email. It isn’t just a single offense. When you are willing to go the distance, there are all other manner of violations available in the same category.

 

You were both in the wrong in some way. Talk to him and tell him your feelings in a heartfelt way and tell him that you want to trust each other and you will be 100% honest with him from now on, or you will likely have to move on. You will get over this if you have to move on. I promise you. We have all had that “amazing boyfriend” that we were in love with and it didn’t work out and here we are today, likely healed from past wounds and mistakes in one way or another. Trust issues, in my mind, are the absolute hardest issues to recover from in any relationship. If you have no trust, you have no relationship.

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I'm comfortable judging your choice (no I am not judging you as a person) to work as an escort while promising someone you are exclusively dating him -you live in NYC and there are plenty of ways to make a living appropriately (just like many many artists and theater people do in NYC), plenty of roommate opportunities from what I understand including outside the city. You chose the easy way out and you chose the consequences of betraying J and hurting him. Not all mistakes are created equal and you knew what you were doing and it was "so easy".

I think you do ask J what you can do to make it right -not to get back together but if there's anything you can do to decrease the hurt you caused. I don't think it's a good idea for you to continue to date J because your choice means he likely will never trust you again and you'll both be walking on eggshells. But it will help you make better choices in the future.

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How long have you been dating? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don't need "healing" you need to get a real paying job and an apt you can afford. Alternatively move back home to your parents, go to college and pursue a profession that can make you the kind of money you need to pursue a good life.

J found out about what I did when my phone went off at night and I got a text message from one of the guys. I hadn't gone to my parents or to him for money because I cared about them and would never ask that of them.

What can I do?

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First off, take a few deep breaths. Sounds like you need them. Like, for real. Do it.

 

Next up: You've got to forgive yourself. I'm kind of with Nebraska here in my attitude about all this. In the annals of dumb things humans have done, this is a pretty minor offense—the dates with dudes part. Not even an offense, really. If you were okay with it—if it was even kind thrilling—that is okay. That is allowed, not something you now need to spend the next 40 years atoning for in a state of self-hatred. The best thing about being people is that we get to set our own rules. And, of course, change them when we realize our rules no longer serve us.

 

Not okay? Basically you needed to either (a) stop it as you got into a relationship with someone or (b) tell someone this is something you're doing, so they can decide if they're open to be in a relationship or not. I have met women in dating scenarios who have been unapologetically upfront about certain lifestyle choices—some in this vein—and I've always respected that, been comforted by that, even if said lifestyle choice meant I couldn't comfortably date them. So be straight with people so you can look at yourself in the mirror and be seen and accepted, fully, by others. That's really the big lesson here. Lesson learned, you think? Cool, now live the lesson.

 

Sometimes we lose people to learn a lesson. That's the collateral damage of life, of growth. I've lost a handful, but those loses weren't for nothing. They helped light a path, further introduced me to myself, to who I wanted to be in my own ski and alongside others. Probably not a lot comfort now, when you're hyper-focused on J, but any moment in life that allows us to be better tomorrow than we were yesterday is a wonderful moment. This can be one of those for you.

 

You have no control over J. You might get him back, you might not. Odds don't look good, and I can't say I blame him. That's a lot to digest, and you have to let him digest it however he wants. Still, you do have control over yourself. You can choose to live in shame and hate yourself, or you can choose to forgive yourself and grow. You can choose to behave differently, in ways that better serve your spirit, and become a different person for it.

 

I say make the second choice. It's a way of honoring your connection with J, and honoring yourself: where you've been, where you want to go.

 

Lastly, like Nebraska, I just want to point out that what J did with your phone was also wrong. One of my hardest rules in romance is no snooping. Should you see something flash up on my phone that makes you uncomfortable, ask me about it or deal with that discomfort on your own. Should you choose to explore the contents of my phone because a notification made you uncomfortable, then we are done. Those are my standards because I know that's how I operate.

 

Anyway, a few cents to spend how you see fit. What feels like a very awful moment in your life right now—because, yes, it is that—can be the beginning of a new chapter.

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I mean doing what I did was stupid, but having him find out that way was even more stupid and hurtful. I wish I could have told him myself. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I wasn't intending on keeping the dates going with these men, but I did and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Going to be making major changes, but right now I honestly just feel so guilty that I don't see how life can go on because I don't feel like I deserve happiness

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I don't realistically think that this can be fixed, OP.

 

The trust is that severely damaged, and it will more than likely permanently change how he looks at you. Even if he wanted to forgive you, the fall-out from this would be so significant that a relationship would be extremely difficult. You unfortunately demonstrated to him that you are capable of deception on a grand scale, for a long time, and I don't think that will be reparable.

 

All you can do is take this as a tough lesson learned. Ask yourself why you turned to escorting instead of a more palatable line of work. Figure out your thought process on how you made that choice - and the choice to lie to your boyfriend - okay for yourself. You do not want to go down this path again, so it's imperative you what the heck happened inside your own emotional landscape that led to this.

 

EDIT: I have to add that this line stood out to me: "He's never checked my phone before, but I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked." The fact that you berate yourself for leaving your phone unlocked tells me you had no intention of stopping this escorting any time soon, had J not grown suspicious of you and had a look at your phone. Leaving it unlocked was not the stupid move here.

 

I mean doing what I did was stupid, but having him find out that way was even more stupid and hurtful. I wish I could have told him myself. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I wasn't intending on keeping the dates going with these men, but I did and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Going to be making major changes, but right now I honestly just feel so guilty that I don't see how life can go on because I don't feel like I deserve happiness

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Go home to your parents. Go To USC for a degree or get a scholarship to NYU if you want to be an artist.. Being an escort is not being "an artist". Stop the pity party. You felt no guilt whatsoever when these old farts handed you cash "for your company", but now you do? Because he found out you're a liar? Were you "suicidal" when these sugar daddies where paying your rent, buying your clothes and giving you cash? That's no 'mistake', that's greed.

I'm 21 years old from California. We're both artists.
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Hi,

 

I need advice because I'm a piece of and did something awful.

 

So I live in NYC, and I've been deeply in love with someone for a while now. I'm 21 years old from California, and he's 20 years old from London. We're both artists. The relationship is fairly new, but we've known eachother and been talking for nearly a year now. I'm going to refer to him as J.

 

J is the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, funny, ambitious, creative, sensitive, handsome, attentive... Everything you could want in a person. As I'm typing this I'm crying because even just thinking about what an amazing person he is hurts me right now. I wish I had never done it.

 

We were supposed to be together, and I messed everything up.

 

So... because NYC rent is expensive... I've been going on dates for money. I never had sex nor would I ever have considered that, but it doesn't matter now because I shouldn't have been talking to these men in the first place. It was just... so easy. They were willing to pay me just to spend time with them, and I was desperate. I knew it was wrong, I was going to stop soon because I was getting real estate license, but I should have stopped sooner.

 

J found out about what I did when my phone went off at night and I got a text message from one of the guys. He's never checked my phone before, but I was stupid enough to leave it unlocked and I had fallen asleep before him, so when the message went off he was curious. J shook me awake and he started going through my texts right in front of me, reading them out loud in horror. I've never felt worse in my entire life. It felt like a bad dream, I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. He was angry, for obvious reason. I explained that I never had sex with any of them and that it was never an intimate thing for me. He went off on me, and I couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I left the apartment.

 

The next day (yesterday) he apologized for being angry and going off on me. I deserved it, and he had no reason to apologize. He asked my why I never came to him to ask for money, and I told him I never wanted that. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone, I never wanted to cause any pain or trouble. I hadn't gone to my parents or to him for money because I cared about them and would never ask that of them. We sat in the park and he held me while I cried for hours. I had been telling him prior to all that happened I'd been feeling lost lately in regards to life, and suddenly it clicked why I had been feeling lost... I had been selling a piece of my soul for money. I should never have done it. J wanted to take me to a buddhist center that he'd been dying to take me to for several weeks because he thought it would help me find healing. We walked around the city and talked, and then I went home. Since then, I haven't stopped crying.

 

My mom raised me well. I come from a very good family who love me very much. My mother is classy, smart, sweet, funny, a very hard worker. She would be absolutely heartbroken if she knew what I did. I keep thinking about that and it keeps breaking my heart more. I talked about J so much to her and she'll hate me. I don't know what to tell her.

 

I lost J, I messed up, and all I want is to undo it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare I can't wake up from. We were planning a trip to Europe, and I was supposed to come to London with him for a bit when he was in an 8 month art program. I saw myself marrying him and having a family with him. I messed all that up, and he'll never trust me again... and for what? Some money? I'm so disgusted with myself. We were eachother's first loves and I ruined it.

 

What can I do? What should I do? He still loves me and I still love him, I'm his first love and he said we should remain friends and that we'll see eachother again but right now he can't see himself with me because he can't trust me. I wish I never caused that. Someone, please help me... I'm hurting so intensely I feel I can't breathe. I just want J back, I just want him to know how important he is to me. I caused him pain he doesn't deserve. I'm in pain. I just want to make him happy. I want to fix things.

 

I feel like an awful person and I don't know how to stop hating myself. J leaves for London on Thursday for his art program, and I'm supposed to see him today to give him a package. How do I face him? What do I say? I'm afraid I'm just going to cry and humiliate myself, and I don't want to cause him any more pain or worrying. He was so worried about me the last time I saw him, and he wanted to walk around and pretend things were normal with us so that we wouldn't have a negative encounter. He wanted to be nice to me even after everything I did. We had non-alcoholic beers (because we don't drink) and we sat at the park talking until 1am. He said he still felt a strong connection to me, and he was still being flirtatious which made me want to cry because I feel I don't deserve it. I went to the buddhist center this morning and I'm going to continue going, I want to cleanse myself. I feel like I sinned. How do I face him today? What do I say? What should I do?

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I wouldn’t know where to begin in your attempt to “fix this”.

 

Not sure how one would redeem thyself at this juncture.

 

Forgiveness is a voluntary process but there are certain actions that are simply too difficult to overlook and nearly impossible to reconcile.

 

Your ex is the only one who can make that determination.

 

I understand that. I respect whatever decision he makes

 

I just don't know how to forgive myself. I can't stop crying and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest

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I mean doing what I did was stupid, but having him find out that way was even more stupid and hurtful. I wish I could have told him myself. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I wasn't intending on keeping the dates going with these men, but I did and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Going to be making major changes, but right now I honestly just feel so guilty that I don't see how life can go on because I don't feel like I deserve happiness

 

Just stop OP. Put the bat down... and by that I mean, give your head a shake and stop being a martyr. I don't know about anyone else but I did plenty of dumb things in my 20's and lived to tell about it... you will be able to go on with life, I assure you, as long as you take responsibility and stop doing the things that make you feel badly about yourself.

 

To take responsibility, start by acknowledging that you chose to be an escort / sugar baby / whatever you want to call it... no one forced you to go on those dates, you did it because you wanted the outcome of having easy money.

 

Thing is... if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. All decisions come with consequences, good or bad. You chose to make a decision that came with a negative consequences.... your actions harmed an important person in your life... if you want to avoid such consequences in the future, you need to start thinking beyond instant gratification and consider doing things that build confidence.

 

I have a good friend who often says... "if you want self-esteem, do esteem-able things." Don't do stuff that will make you feel $hitty about yourself if you want to have good relationships, high confidence, etc. and instead invest time and energy working towards the things that are important to you. There is a lot of up front work to those things that doesn't bring instant fulfillment but knowing you are working towards something positive will make you feel a lot better about yourself at the end of the day.

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I have a little bit of a different perspective. You made a mistake, but at the time, you felt like you were doing what you needed to do. I’m not going to judge you for that. My roommate in college worked at a strip club. She did far more questionable things than that in my opinion. The dishonesty is what can’t happen in relationships. That will never end well. Either do something you are okay with sharing with your boyfriend or you just be honest and tell your boyfriend that you’re doing x for work and it’s on the up and up (if it is). By the way, I agree with Miss Canuck’s comment above about the bolded section.

 

However!!! Anyone checking ANYONE’s phone to me is also a huge boundary issue and frankly, I would never trust someone again that did that to me. Actually, it did happen years ago and I never trusted her again. She also broke into my email. It isn’t just a single offense. When you are willing to go the distance, there are all other manner of violations available in the same category.

 

You were both in the wrong in some way. Talk to him and tell him your feelings in a heartfelt way and tell him that you want to trust each other and you will be 100% honest with him from now on, or you will likely have to move on. You will get over this if you have to move on. I promise you. We have all had that “amazing boyfriend” that we were in love with and it didn’t work out and here we are today, likely healed from past wounds and mistakes in one way or another. Trust issues, in my mind, are the absolute hardest issues to recover from in any relationship. If you have no trust, you have no relationship.

 

Thank you for your response and empathy towards both me and J, it means a lot right now.

 

I don't know if we'll be able to move past this, but thank you so much for your words. You're right, he shouldn't have checked my phone, but I'm not going to haggle him about that because I was the one who caused all this. I see him today and I don't know how I'm going to face him, but I have to face my own actions, grow from them, and become a better person...

 

Again, thank you so much

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Go home to your parents. Go To USC for a degree or get a scholarship to NYU if you want to be an artist.. Being an escort is not being "an artist". Stop the pity party. You felt no guilt whatsoever when these old farts handed you cash "for your company", but now you do? Because he found out you're a liar? Were you "suicidal" when these sugar daddies where paying your rent, buying your clothes and giving you cash? That's no 'mistake', that's greed.

 

I did feel bad, and I was planning on stopping soon. I made a huge mistake and I acknowledged that. I cannot go back to California for many reasons. I am in art but I am also an aspiring business owner and I intend on traveling soon.

 

Can I ask, why you felt the need to comment several times attacking me? Who hurt you? This is a self help forum, if you aren't here to give constructive criticism or advice, don't comment.

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