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Thread: General consensus? Not interested or other possibility

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you. Being guided by fear, however, generally doesn't get us what we want, especially in dating.

    The amount of "hurt" a person can inflict, after a few dates, is pretty minor, no? I'm not saying it's not real or significant, but odds are it's something that life has taught you that you can handle and recover from. Maybe lean on that during these stages—the knowledge that you can handle a lick or two, should it come—rather than trying to mirror someone else and lose yourself in the process.

    That, in the long run, is going to get you what you want, whether it's with him or someone else. Trying to hedge against hurt keeps you out of the ring, keeps connection at bay. It's like visiting a foreign city by checking it out on Google Maps. Yeah, you have zero risk of getting robbed or coming down with food poisoning, but you also never really saw the place and learned what it felt like to be there, and be you there.

  2. #12
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    My husband gets bad headaches and sometimes it just immobilizes him. One time his parents came over -traveled an hour to see us and our new baby. I was exhausted and looking forward to napping even when his parents arrived and just as they arrived he got a bad headache and disappeared into our bedroom for 2 hours to lie down (it was too late for tylenol or advil to work), leaving me to entertain his parents who he hadn't seen in awhile, etc. It doesn't always but yes he would cancel plans last minute if he had to if it was one of those headaches. Also he just met you so he doesn't want to feel so awful in front of you. See if/when he reschedules. Each date is the last date -that's the reality -until there's another date planned. He obviously wanted to see you and got sick. People get sick.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Lose his number.
    Originally Posted by FirstDates
    how would you respond?

  4. #14
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    Thanks Batya
    Would you contact him this morning or leave the ball in his court?

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  6. #15
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    I would have responded "I hope you feel better and look forward to seeing you then."

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FirstDates
    Would you contact him this morning or leave the ball in his court?
    Per my earlier posts, I think the thing that would really help you is knowing how you want to respond. Maybe think of this as a small moment to fine-tune that inner compass.

    Me, for instance? I try to treat everyone more or less the same: friends, girlfriends, family, cashiers, dates. That's not simply because I'm a nice human being, but because I hate not feeling like myself. It's "self-protective," you could say, without being self-sabotaging. So if someone tells me they aren't feeling well and have to cancel, I will tell them I'm sorry they're not feeling well and that I look forward to seeing them. That is who I am, my universal truth, not who I am with matches on dating apps.

    If they never respond to me, I know it was me they never responded to, and in that there is comfort to offset the sting. If they do, it is me they are responding to and will meet whenever we meet. Win-win, in the long game.

    I think you are creating games, without meaning to, in order to offset disappointment or hurt. That's a habit worth breaking, because you don't want it to be an ingredient in connecting. That hedging and self-editing will catch up to you.

    My girlfriend and I joke about how our early exchanges were basically a case study in "not that interested." We matched, and had one of those lovely little back and forths that spark some interest. Then we tried to make plans. She was busy, then I was busy. She'd go, "Hey—window just opened up for a coffee. You around?" I'd go, "Ugh—can't do it. Let me check my schedule and get back to you." I'd get back to her, not in seconds but sometimes in days, with a few options. "Ugh—I'm away those days," she'd reply. That went on for some three weeks, with zero lovely banter filling in the gaps. We finally met up when I landed from a work trip, was in the Uber, thought of her and said, "Last minute, I know, but free for a glass of wine tonight?" She was free.

    I never once considered any of it a reflection of her "interest" level in me. Neither did she. Two strangers trying meet up with a lot of life between them. I'd imagine if either of us were posting a play-by-play on this forum we'd have been advised that it was going nowhere. But we weren't posting here, or really concerned with where it was going. That's just who we are, in the world, and now that we are together it's basically who we are as a couple. Had either of us secretly been on pins and needles those three weeks, I'm sure we'd have burned out quick once the sugar high receded.

    Moral of the story is not to give all dudes slack to be flakes, but to just be who you want to be. If my gf had spent those days thinking I was a flake—well, she would have flaked on it. Ditto me. Both of those are wins. It's the stuff in the middle where everyone gets lost.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Per my earlier posts, I think the thing that would really help you is knowing how you want to respond. Maybe think of this as a small moment to fine-tune that inner compass.

    Me, for instance? I try to treat everyone more or less the same: friends, girlfriends, family, cashiers, dates. That's not simply because I'm a nice human being, but because I hate not feeling like myself. It's "self-protective," you could say, without being self-sabotaging. So if someone tells me they aren't feeling well and have to cancel, I will tell them I'm sorry they're not feeling well and that I look forward to seeing them. That is who I am, my universal truth, not who I am with matches on dating apps.

    If they never respond to me, I know it was me they never responded to, and in that there is comfort to offset the sting. If they do, it is me they are responding to and will meet whenever we meet. Win-win, in the long game.

    I think you are creating games, without meaning to, in order to offset disappointment or hurt. That's a habit worth breaking, because you don't want it to be an ingredient in connecting. That hedging and self-editing will catch up to you.

    My girlfriend and I joke about how our early exchanges were basically a case study in "not that interested." We matched, and had one of those lovely little back and forths that spark some interest. Then we tried to make plans. She was busy, then I was busy. She'd go, "Hey—window just opened up for a coffee. You around?" I'd go, "Ugh—can't do it. Let me check my schedule and get back to you." I'd get back to her, not in seconds but sometimes in days, with a few options. "Ugh—I'm away those days," she'd reply. That went on for some three weeks, with zero lovely banter filling in the gaps. We finally met up when I landed from a work trip, was in the Uber, thought of her and said, "Last minute, I know, but free for a glass of wine tonight?" She was free.

    I never once considered any of it a reflection of her "interest" level in me. Neither did she. Two strangers trying meet up with a lot of life between them. I'd imagine if either of us were posting a play-by-play on this forum we'd have been advised that it was going nowhere. But we weren't posting here, or really concerned with where it was going. That's just who we are, in the world, and now that we are together it's basically who we are as a couple. Had either of us secretly been on pins and needles those three weeks, I'm sure we'd have burned out quick once the sugar high receded.

    Moral of the story is not to give all dudes slack to be flakes, but to just be who you want to be. If my gf had spent those days thinking I was a flake—well, she would have flaked on it. Ditto me. Both of those are wins. It's the stuff in the middle where everyone gets lost.
    This somehow was exactly what I needed to hear.

    I’m just going to be how I am to everybody— not worry if the other person ‘reads into it’

    If this was a friend I’d certainly follow up on how they were feeling. I did just that.

    Thanks for the advice Bluecastle.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I wouldn't be interested. Life's too short for disorganization, missed appointments, questionable headaches and spotty vibes. In all that time where you were feeling confused and unsure about him, I'd have rather done something else. It's not really the headache that was a problem, was it though. It's the fact that your messages to each other are spotty and unpredictable (hit or miss as per your other thread) and the vibe is sometimes off.

    I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for as long as you're able to stretch it but it's pretty obvious your patience is wearing thin and you practically have to talk yourself down from your gut instincts which I find very odd - you wouldn't have created two threads about how confusing this person is. Beyond one or two weeks, I'd cut the fellow loose if the connection is still spotty.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    General consensus? Not interested or other possibility
    Okay,

    Guy I am seeing (same guy here:
    I think you are over-thinking. You're over-investing and trying to read tea leaves to take his temperature and it's not necessary. Being slow to text usually means that someone is reading your message while busy. He responds at a more appropriate time, and since his responses are thoughtful rather than one-worders, that explains why he doesn't throw you a word while he's busy.

    Having a headache on a Monday? One his first day back at work after a trip. Believable.

    I'd pipe down and back off. Let the guy return to his natural rhythm and get back on track. Then allow a rhythm to develop in your communication and your dating. THEN decide whether he's attentive enough for you.

    Head high, and enjOy dating, or what's the point?

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