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Thread: Could it just be a rebound?

  1. #1
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    Could it just be a rebound?

    Its a long one so here goes.....

    My ex and i had been together for 2 years. Engaged for 8 months of that. We have known each other for 5 years.
    The first 3 years we were FWB. Ive always had feelings for him. I ended up pregnant and we had limited contact during the pregnancy.
    Once the baby was born he was always there for us. When she was a few months old he decided he wanted us to give things a proper go, and that he had been thinking about it for a while, that DD put everything into perspective for him.

    We had an amazing relationship. Very few disagreements and next to no arguements. I fell pregnant again when DD was 10 months old. Everything was great. We were looking to move in together and at christmas he proposed.
    We would take the children out on day trips and weeks away and just have family trips to the park and things like that.
    We went away at the end of june and i became quite ill.
    When we returned home i had my illness to deal with along with helping out with my mum who had become sick following complications of an extensive operation. This meant that i got caught up in family problems and didnt make as much time for him as i should of. We didnt see eachother for almost 2 months despite him asking every week if we were going to stay at his.

    He was always telling me how in love with me he was and that he missed me and couldnt wait for our future together and that he wanted us to have another baby once we we're living together.

    Then out of nowhere he suddenly ended things. He said that his head was a mess and he didnt want to lose me but thought that not being in a relationship might be good for him. He said he needed a break to work out of he still loved me or not because he thinks he had fallen out of love. I asked if there was anyone else and he said no. He said he still cared for me and always would and that we never know what the future will hold.
    He said that it was best we didnt see eachother for a little while as he didnt think seeing me would help him right now.

    2 weeks later (last week) we met up for him to see the children. It was the first time we had seen eachother since returning from holiday in june. Things were great. Like nothing had changed. We laughed and played with the children in the park before taking then for a pub lunch.

    We talked, not about the relationship or the break up but just about general things. He kept the conversation flowing, asking questions. There was no awkwardness at all. I noticed he was still wearing his ring but half way through meeting had taken it off. A couple of times he seemed abit down, bleary eyed but when i asked if he was ok he just said yes and shrugged it off.

    I text him later that evening to say it was good to see him and that the children had had a great time. He never replied
    I have since heard through a mutual friend that that night he got into a relationship with a girl he had slept with at work after our break up.

    He suffers with anxiety and depression and can be very insecure. I think this played a big part in him ending things as he probably wouldve felt like i wasnt interested anymore because we hadnt seen eachother. Plus obviously not seeing eachother also means not having sex.

    He hasn't taken down anything on social media apart from his relationship status so the last fee photos on instagram are of me with quotes like my world and things like that so anyone looking would assume we were still together. And he posts things on facebook about over thinking and hoping for better times, and how bad times show you whos always been there for you. Along with quite a few quotes about depression.


    Could seeing and spending time with me like old times have made him think maybe he had made a mistake and thats why hes suddenly jumped into a new relationship?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. Take care of yourself and your family. It sounds like he reluctantly entered a relationship but can not handle it . You are a single mother and need to file for child support and structured visitation on your child's behalf.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I am so sorry and your story made me very sad for you.

    I try to see both sides, unfortunately life is deals us difficult times and if your partner can't be there for you during them and seeks comfort elsewhere, then he's probably not worth having around.

    The part that stood out to me is not only did he abandon you when times were difficult, you had to bring the children to him to see them? Does he not feel any sort of obligation to his children?

    Being together might kindle something, but he's shown to you he's more of a fair weathered friend, than a life partner. I know you are hurting but I would seriously reconsider wanting him back.

    What happens the next time things get challenging? Will he bail again? Will you live in fear that he can't handle it? Because as sure as the sun rises, the next life's challenges are just down the road. It's just a matter of time.

    I am personally dealing a boyfriend who's spend more than half a year with his parents, in another state taking care of them. I would never consider monkey branching to someone who paid attention to me in his absence. The fact that he's doing this makes me love him and respect him more.

    (If I am reading this right) the fact the he left the kids too would be enough for me to never reconsider having him back.

    He suffers with anxiety and depression and can be very insecure < don't make excuses for him. Most people suffer from this at some point in time. It does not cause their integrity to fly out the window.

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    Reluctantly? You mean with me? There was never any pressure for him to be in a relationship with me. I had given up on hoping that would happen before our first was born. We had a very happy healthy relationship. It was the biggest shock when he proposed. I would never have expected him to. And he had obviously been planning it a little while as he had been talking to his mum about it and she helped him to pick out a ring.

    It doesnt seem very reluctant to me

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  6. #5
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    Dearest Lucy,
    When you were unwell and juggling so much, your partner should be there for you. Not feel neglected and looking for meeting his needs elsewhere.
    Did he speak to you about it back than ?
    Two months is not that long but probably for him it was.
    Best to do is nothing. Keep being warm when you meet him.
    Whatever is going in his life ,other woman or not, he has to figure it out all by himself. Otherwise you will be demoted to fwb again.
    I really wish you all the very best from all my heart as you sound so wonderful.

  7. #6
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    That's such a sad story; things seem to have been pretty rough for you since June, even without this breakup. I don't understand why you didn't see each other for two months, though. I get that it might be difficult for you to stay with him when you were caring for your mother - but why could he not come to see you?

    The only one who really knows what's going on in his mind is HIM; nobody else can answer that one for you. However, it seems likely that when he told you there was nobody else, this may have been economical with the truth - especially as he's now in a relationship with someone he had previously slept with. It also seems very unlikely that seeing you all together and thinking that he's made a mistake would lead him into jumping into a new relationship. Quite the reverse, in fact.

    The only thing you can do really is to pick up the pieces of your life, including arrangements for child support from him, and move on as best you can. Reading between the lines of your post, I'm guessing that you're hoping he'll come back. It would be a mistake to hold on to this, I think, as this will lead to even more heartache than you already have. Stop checking his social media and look towards your own future and that of your children, and get support from as many people as you can - but don't bank on him coming back.

    (((HUGS)))

  8. #7
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    We live a good few miles apart and he doesnt drive so although he could have found a way to get to us it wouldnt have been easy, especially with his work schedule.

    Hes very stubborn and rather than admit he had made a mistake would try to prove to himself and everyone else that he hadnt

  9. #8
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    He didnt sleep with her til about a week or 2 after we broke up. We've been broken up nearly 4 weeks now and he only got into a relationship with her after seeing me. That same day.

  10. #9
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    My guess is he'd been getting close to this new woman for a while, and that's the real reason he ended it with you.

    To go from a break-up to a new relationship all in 4 weeks suggests this was not something that developed out of the blue between them.

    I am not saying he wouldn't have found it difficult not to see you and his own children for 2 months. That is nearly incomprehensible to me. Whether that was by design or be circumstance, it no doubt created distance between you and him. I have a bad feeling that is when he turned outside the relationship for attention; whether he ended it with you because he felt guilty or because he truly has some feelings for her is a question that might be left unanswered.

    Is he rebounding? Hard to say. It doesn't really even matter. What matters is that when the going got tough for just a couple months, the relationship fell apart completely. That is not a good sign for long-term viability. Life is full of rough waters; he's showed you he's not so much up for weathering the storm.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this. Big, big hugs.

    I can't tell you what's going on in his mind, but I can tell you that the guy you've described seems pretty lost and unreliable—a guy who steps down when life needs him to step up, who looks for the easy way out of hard situations, leaving others to do the heavy lifting. In your shoes, I can't quite see how you can trust him to be there as you need a partner to be there, since he has shown an inability to consider the feelings and lives of others alongside his own.

    You're making what sounds to me like a lot of excuses—he's stubborn, insecure, anxiety-prone, etc.—to excuse some pretty inexcusable behavior. Or, at the very least, a man who has some serious maturing to do. And he may be all those things, but with two kids demanding your time, attention, and love, do you really want to take on taking care of another? Do you think he's breaking his brain to understand you, and accommodate your needs, at the same frequency yours is spinning to understand and accommodate him? No, he's hanging with a shiny new thing that makes him feel shiny.

    I think the best thing you can do, for your own sanity and for your kids, is to take the steps needed to move forward from this, without thinking he's going to shed the "rebound" and step into shoes he's been tripping in for a good long time. He may very well shed the rebound and circle back to you, but how long until he starts tripping again? I know it doesn't seem like "a good long time" right now, but from what you've described—a long FWB dynamic leading to an unplanned pregnancy, an unplanned pregnancy leading to commitment, followed by the reality of commitment leading to "I'm a mess"—I can't help but get the impression of a man who is living his life very passively, relying on others, and outside stimuli, to give him the kick in the pants he hasn't learned how to give himself.

    That's bad news for partnership, generally, and often bad news for parenthood. I'm the product of a man who can't kick himself in his own butt and who wilts at the smallest breezes life throws his way. I am every day thankful that my mother didn't wait around for him to step up, since she'd still be waiting to this day, and it was 35 years ago that she stepped out on her own. Great model for me, while my father was also a great model, in ways—a fun guy who has no idea how to be a man. I absorbed the fun stuff while using his template of manhood as a case study in how not to be as an adult. Had my mother kept the door open to him, I suspect I'd have a very different view of life, and how to go about living it.

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