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Thread: Moving forward with hope

  1. #1

    Moving forward with hope

    My ex broke up with me in May, we had been together for 5 years and although it was not perfect we had a really good relationship. We never argued about the important stuff, the future we were building for the future was aligned and what we both wanted.

    I've never really got a full explanation for why this needed to happen but the running theme was her feelings, although still as strong, had changed and she said I deserved to better and to find someone who could love me the way I should be. I've made my peace with the fact I'll never get a true understanding of why. She lost the spark and that was that.

    I begged and did the usual pleading after the break up. That lasted a couple weeks and then we went about sorting finances etc. It took about 3 months for our place to sell and I dabbled with NC. She would always message or come round to see me within a week but despite being visibly miserable, she reiterated this was the right thing. Whenever she would talk about us, I would remind her I accept the break up but that I did not agree with it and that it would take me a long time to just be friends.

    We saw each other the day before I moved away. She had suggested she'd had a change of heart but when I got there it was the same old lines. She was a mess though, kept telling me how safe she feels with, that I know her best and she loves me more than I could ever know. I told her that I wish I had done something wrong so that I could fix it and she told me she wished it was that simple but I hadn't done anything. I said I hoped that one day things could be different and she agreed.

    We have no reason to communicate anymore but she still texts silly little things. I know that if I were to text her I would get a reply. Last time we messaged I told her next time she is in my town to let me know so we could meet and she said she will.

    I want her back but I know chances are slim to none. I've moved away, I go to the gym, I've started volunteering and got myself a new look. I'm proud of everything I have achieved. And even though I started a lot of this with her in mind, I know it will put me in a good place for ang future relationship. I know I played a part in our break up and as I cant change her, I have worked on the areas of myself that needed work. I feel confident that I can reach out to her and not be broken when she doesnt reply, although I have only done this a couple times in the last month. Is it worth trying to take the slowly slowly approach (texting more, to calls to a possible meet) on this and if so, I welcome tips?

  2. #2
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Maybe I'm biased... but,

    When someone hems and haws and doesn't give you a reason, it usually means there is someone else that they are waiting to become available, or it's on-again, off-again with that person. If so, you are being used as a safety net.

    You are doing the right thing - hang in there!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When a woman tells you she imagines you with someone else, she's totally done. A woman who loves would seethe in jealousy at that thought and would never let you go to seek a relationship elsewhere.

    There was nothing to fix, so you've grown apart and she is going to seek a new life without you. It's hard to go cold turkey with communication when a couple has been together for 5 years. Sometimes it's more comfortable for two people to have a gradual fading away to get used to the idea of no contact.

    I don't believe in staying friends with exes. To me, it prevents closure, will send new women running away from dating a guy still attached by a communication umbilical cord to his ex, and keeps hope alive, when most of the time, reconciliation isn't going to happen. Keeping hope will also prevent you from bonding with someone new.

    Past behavior predicts future behavior. If you got back together, once the fun newness wore off, she'd probably just break up again. She didn't care enough to try to reignite the spark with you after a full five years together. What makes you think her ability to care for you will grow with absence?

    I've never once taken back an ex because to me, I already know what's in the rearview mirror and it didn't work out. I'd rather risk my heart on someone new.

    You'll survive this just fine, and the woman who is right for you will silently thank the dumb woman who let you go.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is there someone else?

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  6. #5
    Thanks for the replies.

    As far as I know and I realise I can not be certain, there is no one else. I know she went on a dating site after we broke up when she found out I was (she even matched with me!) but came off it pretty quickly too. I was her first everything so I don't see her jumping in to anything soon.

    Andrina - I agree that if she can imagine me with someone else she is clearly not thinking of us getting back together. She would ask me if I was dating and then tell me she didn't want to know. We had a gig to go to together next month and when we broke up I said we could still go but she said it would be too weird, as she assumed I would be with someone new by then. I am not disagreeing with you and value your insight (it is what i would say to friends if it was them in thid) I just felt like she was saying that because it painted her as the good guy - like she was doing me a favour.

    I am not opposed to finding someone new at all. I know the risk I would be taking to get back together with her. I suppose for me she is still worth the risk, I could meet someone new and they could leave me to.

  7. #6
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    She broke up with you. She wanted out. You have no ability to rekindle this.

    She already broke your heart once. Don't give her the chance to do it again.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How awkward. However it's ok to browse and have some meet and greets to get out there. Look forward not back. That's all you can do. You're already doing everything else right.
    Originally Posted by Lostlove88
    I know she went on a dating site after we broke up when she found out I was (she even matched with me!)

  9. #8
    Thank you for your replies.

    Ha, it was more odd because she even messaged me on there too. For us I don't think the attraction left but things got boring. Being her first long term relationship I feel that she freaked with the reality that love changes over time and settles.

    I do not plan on putting my life on hold, I have little to no expectation and if someone comes in to my life I will explore that with my full focus and energy.

    I would like the opportunity to build something new with my ex and with everything I have read, that may take years and cannot be forced. I would like to be a positive figure in her life that gives her space to figure out who she is now, like I am doing. We may work out in the future, which I would like but obviously it takes two and I know that.

    Has anyone got any stories/advice of rebuilding relationships this way?

  10. #9
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lostlove88
    Has anyone got any stories/advice of rebuilding relationships this way?
    Yes. Don't.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lostlove88
    I would like to be a positive figure in her life that gives her space to figure out who she is now, like I am doing.

    Has anyone got any stories/advice of rebuilding relationships this way?
    Essentially, you're proposing to stagnate your own life to hover on the periphery of hers in order to try to manipulate her into wanting you back.

    ...And of course you believe that you can be stealthy enough about it to avoid her recognition of what you're trying to do.

    Honey, that's been tried by almost everyone who's ever been dumped, and so ... you can live and learn the hard way, if you want to.

    Skip that, and reach for your best dignity. Make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to move your focus forward. Otherwise, you'll just keep drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of without any real healing to help you navigate your way out.

    Your percentage play is to pull your focus back onto your own life and development. This will not only diffuse your focus on her, it will give you an opportunity to reach higher ground, where your perspective will be raised to wiser vision. From there, you can trust that if your ex ever wants to reconcile, she knows how to reach you, and you'll be better equipped to handle that because you will have grown. If she never does, then your new and healthier focus will render her less and less relevant.

    Don't trap yourself in a sick petri dish. It leaves you nowhere of value to go, and it won't inspire your ex to want you back. At all.

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