I don’t get this dating thing.....

I haven’t been here in a while, but I’m just feeling extremely down and I just need some advice to break through this cycle of low self esteem.

So ever since my last real relationship which was like 2 years ago, I haven’t been really able to get in another solid one. Since then the guys that I meet seem to be only interested in having sexual relations with me and that’s about it. I am an attractive young lady, but I bring more to the table than looks. For some reason, I feel like no matter what I do, or no matter where I meet a guy, whether it’s at grocery store, or the bar, they seem to be more interested in just sexually. This starting to make me feel low and a bit depressed. It’s making me lose confidence in the woman I am, and I feel like I’m becoming closed off to men over this.

I recently met a guy in August while he was purchasing some of the products that I sell. He seemed to be interested in me, he asked me out that same day. I decided to go out drinking with him and his friends. Afterwards, we went back to his place b/c I had forgotten my car keys there. We were both a little under the influence, but I told him I was going to leave(I just wanted to avoid any type of attempts to have sex with me). He convinced me to stay, so I agreed to sleep on the couch. He tried to of course have sex with me, but I declined. We slept on the couch, but the next day he took me out for breakfast and I left right after that.

We hung out twice after that and then we had sex, which I feel like it was too fast also, but for me it was in the heat of the moment things. Things where okay until I realized that I was starting to develop feelings for him. He threw a party with his friends, he told me about it, but never invited me to it, he’s told me that I give him the vibe that i’m too busy, so that’s why he didn’t invite me. I didn’t believe his excuse, but this is the moment that I started to realize that he just may not be that into me, or maybe he feels like we haven’t established a relationship so maybe being around his friends in a intimate setting would be too much.

Fast forward to last Tuesday, he texted me and asked me to dinner, so I decided to go. We had a good time, we actually have conversations and we laugh non stop. After Tuesday I didn’t hear anything from him the next day, so I texted him Thursday to just check up on him. Ever since I checked up on him Thursday, I haven’t heard from him. He is super active on my social media, but not once has he checked on me in 4 days. I know he will call or text sometime this week to schedule something, but at this point I just feel like i need to just end whatever we have going on. I need advice on whether I should even tell him how I feel when he contacts me or if I should just cut him off with no explanation. I like him, but I don’t feel like he likes me because i feel like a man who wants to be with you will make it clear from the beginning.

Please advice me

How come you left key in his place in a first place ?

You should never agree for a date with a man on the same day you met him. You should never enter his place on the very first date or after. On the couch or not - bad news. Not wise and not safe.

Here are a few reasons why he is lukewarm.

Don't chase men. You can do better than that.

You don't want men to want you only for sex...yet on the first date you got intoxicated and then had sex with him on either the second or third date.

If you don't want to be wanted just for sex...wait to have sex. And stop getting buzzed!

Ok a few things here.

1) Don't get picked up if someone randomly approaches you.

2) Do Not Drink on the first dates. Do one-on-one dates.

3) Never ever agree to go to your place or his until you know them better.

4) Go out on a few dates first and do not have sex until you have established some sort of exclusive situation.

He seemed to be interested in me, he asked me out that same day.

I decided to go out drinking with him and his friends.

Afterwards, we went back to his place b/c I had forgotten my car keys there.

We were both a little under the influence

We hung out twice after that and then we had sex

May I ask how old you are?

My feeling about dating—or at least how I look at it to not become cynical—is that the vast majority of people you meet will not be interested in you very long, or vise versa. That's just life. If a potent, sustained romantic connection was "easy" it would not be very valuable or worth pursuing.

Which brings us to the business of sex. Having sex with someone is a guarantee of one thing, and one thing only: that, afterwards, you will have had sex with that person. So if, for you, having sex is something you only want to do inside a relationship, or with someone you are serious about and believe is serious about you, then it's best to keep sex on the table until those questions are answered rather than putting it on the table in hopes of an answer.

Going out drinking with someone, then going back to their house, then staying at their house—well, that's putting sex on the table pretty quickly, even if sex isn't had. No judgement, believe me. But it is what it is, you know? It was a moment created by two people, not another d-bag who only wants one thing. He did not "convince" you to stay; he asked you to, maybe more than once, and you chose to stay, just as you chose to have sex with him two hangs later.

Maybe try making different choices, and you'll find yourself building different kinds of connections. Sure, some guys may flake—whatever. Others won't—great. Subtract sex from the equation with this guy, for instance, and what you have is a fine, even promising experiment in dating: someone you've gone out with a few times, with each of you figuring out how you feel, and each of you allowed to feel anything and room for all those feelings to flutter about without being so monumental.

But since sex was had you now expect him to be your boyfriend, more or less, and you're now thinking of "ending it" because he's not stepping up to that plate right away. But it takes time for people to step up to that plate, and nudity and shared body fluids does not change that. If it produces feelings inside of you that warp your sense of time, or make you unable to explore connections, then it's best to wait a little longer before making things about sex.

May I ask how old you are?

 

My feeling about dating—or at least how I look at it to not become cynical—is that the vast majority of people you meet will not be interested in you very long, or vise versa. That's just life. If a potent, sustained romantic connection was "easy" it would not be very valuable or worth pursuing.

 

Which brings us to the business of sex. Having sex with someone is a guarantee of one thing, and one thing only: that, afterwards, you will have had sex with that person. So if, for you, having sex is something you only want to do inside a relationship, or with someone you are serious about and believe is serious about you, then it's best to keep sex on the table until those questions are answered rather than putting it on the table in hopes of an answer.

 

Going out drinking with someone, then going back to their house, then staying at their house—well, that's putting sex on the table pretty quickly, even if sex isn't had. No judgement, believe me. But it is what it is, you know? It was a moment created by two people, not another d-bag who only wants one thing. He did not "convince" you to stay; he asked you to, maybe more than once, and you chose to stay, just as you chose to have sex with him two hangs later.

 

Maybe try making different choices, and you'll find yourself building different kinds of connections. Sure, some guys may flake—whatever. Others won't—great. Subtract sex from the equation with this guy, for instance, and what you have is a fine, even promising experiment in dating: someone you've gone out with a few times, with each of you figuring out how you feel, and each of you allowed to feel anything and room for all those feelings to flutter about without being so monumental.

 

But since sex was had you now expect him to be your boyfriend, more or less, and you're now thinking of "ending it" because he's not stepping up to that plate right away. But it takes time for people to step up to that plate, and nudity and shared body fluids does not change that. If it produces feelings inside of you that warp your sense of time, or make you unable to explore connections, then it's best to wait a little longer before making things about sex.

Thank you so much for your constructive advice. Believe me, I know I wasn’t no innocent in this, but I don’t feel great and I want to turn this entire situation around. I will definitely do this, but I for sure won’t initiate any contact with him.

Ok a few things here.

1) Don't get picked up if someone randomly approaches you.

2) Do Not Drink on the first dates. Do one-on-one dates.

3) Never ever agree to go to your place or his until you know them better.

4) Go out on a few dates first and do not have sex until you have established some sort of exclusive situation.

Noted @wiseman, I’m ready to switch gears

What do you mean by "entire situation"? The business of dating, or the business with this dude?

How come you left key in his place in a first place ?

You should never agree for a date with a man on the same day you met him. You should never enter his place on the very first date or after. On the couch or not - bad news. Not wise and not safe.

Here are a few reasons why he is lukewarm.

Don't chase men. You can do better than that.

I said I forgot the key at his house, regardless, you’re right. I should’ve never went to his place to begin with.

So you've been dating what, a month? Honestly, I do agree there are like half a dozen red flags in there that could have easily gotten things ugly. However, nothing you've written indicates to me that he just wants you for sex. In that sense, you kinda lucked out. I don't know the exact timeframe, but it sounds like you're averaging a date or so every week. Just because it's early enough that he doesn't invest much in between-date conversation aside from meeting up doesn't mean he's only in it for the sex. You could even flip the script. Are you asking him out? You "check up" on him, but what does that tangibly do to progress anything between the two of you? I check up on my friends while I'm taking a dump. It's meaningless. Meanwhile him arranging for you two to get together is actually accomplishing something.

In any case, who's to say? Take it easy, don't have sex if you don't want to have sex, and don't have sex if you need it to lead to something. If you're uncomfortable having sex without that something, then the something should come first. He could decide to stop seeing you for 1,000 other reasons than only having ever wanted to have sex. I've lost interest in a lot of women after a handful of dates. It happens.

Another concern of mine is "it's been two years since you've been able to get into another solid relationship." Or you can just say you've been single for two years, which yeah... that happens. A lot. And it should. There's nothing wrong with dating, but if you're counting every day you're not in a relationship as some kind of loss, that's just thirsty. That **** tends to show, and your average healthy guy isn't gonna have much interest in it. Ergo you'll find that you'll attract guys who will tolerate it if it means getting a more superficial fix. Learning to be happy single will get you a long way in attracting guys who are looking for more.

What do you mean by "entire situation"? The business of dating, or the business with this dude?

Both, the business of dating and how I interact with this guy

So you've been dating what, a month? Honestly, I do agree there are like half a dozen red flags in there that could have easily gotten things ugly. However, nothing you've written indicates to me that he just wants you for sex. In that sense, you kinda lucked out. I don't know the exact timeframe, but it sounds like you're averaging a date or so every week. Just because it's early enough that he doesn't invest much in between-date conversation aside from meeting up doesn't mean he's only in it for the sex. You could even flip the script. Are you asking him out? You "check up" on him, but what does that tangibly do to progress anything between the two of you? I check up on my friends while I'm taking a dump. It's meaningless. Meanwhile him arranging for you two to get together is actually accomplishing something.

 

In any case, who's to say? Take it easy, don't have sex if you don't want to have sex, and don't have sex if you need it to lead to something. If you're uncomfortable having sex without that something, then the something should come first. He could decide to stop seeing you for 1,000 other reasons than only having ever wanted to have sex. I've lost interest in a lot of women after a handful of dates. It happens.

 

Another concern of mine is "it's been two years since you've been able to get into another solid relationship." Or you can just say you've been single for two years, which yeah... that happens. A lot. And it should. There's nothing wrong with dating, but if you're counting every day you're not in a relationship as some kind of loss, that's just thirsty. That **** tends to show, and your average healthy guy isn't gonna have much interest in it. Ergo you'll find that you'll attract guys who will tolerate it if it means getting a more superficial fix. Learning to be happy single will get you a long way in attracting guys who are looking for more.

Well he worked basically all day from Friday till Sunday so that’s why I didn’t initiate anything other than just checking up on him. I’m not counting everyday either, but I have realized that I’ve been single for that long. Anyways are you saying I

Should ask him out on his days off?

I haven’t been here in a while, but I’m just feeling extremely down and I just need some advice to break through this cycle of low self esteem.

 

So ever since my last real relationship which was like 2 years ago, I haven’t been really able to get in another solid one. Since then the guys that I meet seem to be only interested in having sexual relations with me and that’s about it. I am an attractive young lady, but I bring more to the table than looks. For some reason, I feel like no matter what I do, or no matter where I meet a guy, whether it’s at grocery store, or the bar, they seem to be more interested in just sexually. This starting to make me feel low and a bit depressed. It’s making me lose confidence in the woman I am, and I feel like I’m becoming closed off to men over this.

I would try to not take it personally. I think it's just the sign of the times and people are engaging in casual sex more freely and much sooner.

Get very clear with your expectations, state them clearly and be prepared to act on it. Remember, the only one looking out for you, is you.

Be fierce about it.

You need weed out time wasters much sooner and make way for men that are looking for the same thing you are.

They are out there. Just be patient and don't let this rock your confidence.

As far as the last guy, he didn't invite you and hasn't responded? He doesn't deserve a moment of your time. You don't own anyone an explanation.

Shake it off, move on and don't do it again.

Hang in there.

I would try to not take it personally. I think it's just the sign of the times and people are engaging in casual sex more freely and much sooner.

 

Get very clear with your expectations, state them clearly and be prepared to act on it. Remember, the only one looking out for you, is you.

Be fierce about it.

 

You need weed out time wasters much sooner and make way for men that are looking for the same thing you are.

They are out there. Just be patient and don't let this rock your confidence.

 

As far as the last guy, he didn't invite you and hasn't responded? He doesn't deserve a moment of your time. You don't own anyone an explanation.

Shake it off, move on and don't do it again.

 

Hang in there.

He didn’t invite me, but he did respond, he just had many excuses to why he didn’t invite me, first he said he thought I was busy, then he said he didn’t want to just bring me without b/c it was a friend thing lol.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think I should just let this entire situation go 🤦🏾♀️

He didn’t invite me, but he did respond, he just had many excuses to why he didn’t invite me, first he said he thought I was busy, then he said he didn’t want to just bring me without b/c it was a friend thing lol.

 

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think I should just let this entire situation go 🤦🏾♀️

He got what he wanted... now he's blowing you off.

Yes, let it go!

Yeah, just step back and don't contact him. If he contacts in the future great, if not great. Smile and go forward but with plenty learned at this latest rodeo.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think I should just let this entire situation go

He didn’t invite me, but he did respond, he just had many excuses to why he didn’t invite me,

 

 

so I texted him Thursday to just check up on him. Ever since I checked up on him Thursday, I haven’t heard from him.

It's possible that this guy wanted you for sex, or that other guys want you for sex; if you are an attractive lady with a lot of sexual energy then guys will be attracted to that, it's pretty normal. It's up to you to set boundaries up front so that you have an opportunity to get to know each other as people before you jump into bed together. Choose someone that is willing to date you, spend time with you, communicate with you, etc before getting physically intimate with you.

Some general thoughts:

There are ways that the early days of dating—the first month, say—are a big "test" to see if you really want to date someone. If you are really into them, in other words, rather than if they are really into you. Everyone goes about that differently. But if you create tiny tests inside that big test, tests focused on gauging how "into" you they are, or extracting more "into" from them, you're going to spin around and spin out more often than not.

Let's take the opposite social cliche of the one you're stressed about: the man who thinks "all women" are only interested in money. Why does he think this? Because for the past year he has taken 12 women out to lavish dinners on early dates and they didn't all want to marry him. But odds are that's not because they were "using" him for high-end sushi and to sample $300 bottles of wine, or even that "all they want" is fancy dinners and rides to said restaurants in a rotating cast of fancy cars. It's because they just didn't feel him, you know, after a nice dinner or four. More to the point: they may not have felt it in part because he had a kind of "transactional" energy about the whole thing—expecting something in return for a certain action.

Sex can very often, and very quickly become a transaction, a mini test that blows up the big test. Aside from flooding the brain and body with drug-like sensations, it triggers, for many, an avalanche of expectations. And expectations, by and large, are the death knell of a connection. So in ways the key to dating is to engage in activities that allow you to explore a person (the big test) without expecting much from them (getting mired in the small tests). That way the most important question (Am I into them?) guides you instead of the question you can't control (Are they into me?).

So just as I'd advise that man to chill with the $500 tasting menus, unless he can enjoy a nice dinner with a near-stranger without thinking it will fast-track her to wifedom, I'd advise anyone who gets bent out of shape after sex to put off having sex until they're more confident of the shape of things. That way it's not a mini test of someone, or of an entire gender, but an act you chose to do because it seemed like a fun thing to do with said person. What comes next is...whatever comes next.

I also second j.man's mention of the word "thirst." Thirst can be hot, for a night or a week, but it's generally a turn off. A turn off in others, a turn off in ourselves. No one wants to be a "quencher," at least not for long, just like no one wants to walk around with a parched throat. Not saying you're #thirstyaf, as the kids say, but just something to be aware of, especially because you mentioned a cycle of "low self-esteem." The higher the self esteem, the lower the thirst. Less thirsty people attract less thirsty people. Whether their early dates are playing out at coffee shops or between satin sheets, they are all just part of getting to know someone, not quenching thirst.

What he did or does and doesn't want, we don't know. What we do know is that sex is the only thing you've offered.

Look, what you are doing isn't working, so change it. Stop with the excuses. He didn't demand or force you to sleep with him. You went there yourself because.....impulse....

If you want a guy who will date you, then don't agree to meet up to hang out or go clubbing or bar hopping with him and his pals while leaving your keys at his house. Stop that bs because that's completely on you. You want a date, then set up dates and don't settle for less than. Learn how to say no too. You are teaching people how to treat you and what you are teaching right now....isn't working for you. Raise your bar, raise your standards, raise your expectations and don't bend.

If a guy isn't setting up a proper date, just next him. If he is setting up a date, YOU have input in terms of where you meet and how and in no way should that include starting or ending at anyone's house. Several initial dates, keep it strictly public. After a few dates, yes, ask him out and plan the date. In other words, show reciprocity and interest without sex. Get to know him, figure out if he is even worth going there for, establish at least sexual exclusivity before you sleep with him. If you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be sleeping with him. Simple rules but will save you a lot of headaches.

When I was dating many people were into casual sex. Just like now. 1980s-2005. I was not into casual sex. For the most part -including first meets I probably went out with 150 men or so - I was treated with respect and like a lady. A few wanted to get sexual right away, a few tried but they were in the minority. I agree with the tips everyone else gave you and I also carried myself with confidence (not arrogance) and was the kind of person -still am - where people say "excuse me" if they curse in front of me (same situation with my mother -something about our look I guess). I dressed in a very feminine, flattering way, sometimes more sexy depending but not on early dates with someone.

You gave the impression with this guy that you were up for getting drunk with a near stranger, had little regard for your safety and no he should not have tried to have sex with you and at the same time trying (as long as he didn't assault or force himself on you) is understandable since you agreed to go to his house on the first date and sleep over while drunk. But no no one should assault or try to force themselves on you.

When I was dating many people were into casual sex. Just like now. 1980s-2005. I was not into casual sex. For the most part -including first meets I probably went out with 150 men or so - I was treated with respect and like a lady. A few wanted to get sexual right away, a few tried but they were in the minority. I agree with the tips everyone else gave you and I also carried myself with confidence (not arrogance) and was the kind of person -still am - where people say "excuse me" if they curse in front of me (same situation with my mother -something about our look I guess). I dressed in a very feminine, flattering way, sometimes more sexy depending but not on early dates with someone.

 

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I agree with this. I've been told my entire life that I give off a vibe. That `don't mess with me' vibe. At least where this is concerned. I rarely ever found myself in situations where I felt pressured for sex. Those men looking for that usually give themselves away pretty early on and are easy to spot.

I might have not gotten calls back from men looking for easy targets - or to be fair, women looking for something casual much like them. They could just read it on me. I am perfectly ok with that and wouldn't have it any other way.

Just to chime in here from the other side of the coin: All of my serious girlfriends—well, all but one—gave off some version of that "vibe." Nothing like a prudishness, but just a sense of their own castle walls, a kind of sexiness that can only be appreciated through respect.

More from the male coin: I can generally tell, very quickly, if a woman is down for something casual. That's another vibe, and it comes in a few different shades, but it's also an easy "read." While there have been junctures in my life where that appeals—casual seeking casual, no bs—even during those junctures part of the appeal is the built-in expiration date.

Men who "just want to get in the pants" also have a pretty readable vibe, I think, at least according to women I know. Pretty easy to avoid, if it's not your thing.

just a sense of their own castle walls, a kind of sexiness that can only be appreciated through respect.

love that ^^ well said

love that ^^ well said

Aww, thanks.

I probably didn't have the language for it when I was younger, but at the end of the day I think that's basically what everyone is looking for: sexiness that is accessed through respect. Not the worst definition of "romantic love," now that I think about it, when it goes both ways.

And so (this for you, OP) if we do anything that causes us to disrespect ourselves in the pursuit of a romantic connection—be it splurging on a dinner or taking our clothes off after too many Jell-O shots—we are making disrespect an ingredient in that connection. And I say that with someone who loves a nice dinner and who, on occasion, will still do a Jell-O shot.