Seeing Other People 1 Month In

Hello All,

after some great input from this group earlier this year, I'm back. Thanks in advance to everyone who contributes to this forum.

So I started seeing this woman (I'm 30, she's 32) a month ago. Our first date went very well, we kissed after, which I don't do unless I feel a strong connection.

There's clearly good chemistry between us, and everything was peachy until we were eating burritos together last Wednesday and an old woman (seemingly somewhat senile) came up to us and after chatting for a minute, asked me if this woman I was with was my girlfriend. I didn't put much thought into it and said yes, and then she asked my date if I was her boyfriend, and my date said "well we've gone on a few dates but we're still feeling it out." Which, honestly is more accurate.

This was all an impromptu date. So she convinced me to go dancing with her and some friends (wasn't hard) after impromptu burritos. Then she asked me to come back to her place. Fast-forward to 2am the following day, I made a joke about revealing a fantastical part of my body once she starts calling me her boyfriend.

This prompts a talk - she tells me she wants to be upfront about her situation - she just ended a 1.5 year relationship a month (or two?) ago, is steadfastly against jumping into another relationship, and is not interested in a monogamous relationship at this time, but is interested in a monogamous relationship at some point, but also has never done this non-monogamous thing before and feels the need to do it at this point in her life. At this point, she is trying to be particularly selective since she is looking to start a family and settle down.

I told her I'm not seeing anyone else and don't plan to, but this situation gives me pause. I wasn't thrilled to hear this. I did also tell her that I am in a similar position, looking to settle down and start a family, and I play a mean long game. She liked that. My initial reaction was moving toward not seeing her anymore though. There were a lot of me's and I's in my thought process as I reasoned through what I should do over the next two days. I felt somewhat devalued and more importantly, my attraction to her had quickly deflated. Also, my main reason for not seeing her was that I needed to respect myself, and I feel like being in this position really doesn't allow me to do that.

Skip to the last paragraph if you don't have time.

Over those two days, I didn't initiate any communication while I kind of mulled it over, while her texting frequency was above normal. I talked with some of my girl friends about it and they advised not to make a big deal about it. But also confirm if she was seeing other people (now confirmed, yes, she is dating at least).

We had planned to get together Friday night after some plans she had with a friend, but she said she wasn't sure how late she would be out. We made that plan while eating burritos. So she called me Friday and told me her friend had a ticket to go to a concert, because his friend was sick and couldn't go, and she was going unless I still wanted to meet. I was also sick, and told her I was going to sleep soon anyway. But hearing her voice changed my whole mental state.

From then on, I started to come around to her perspective. I can understand where she's at and what she's after. Sometimes pride has to take a backseat in matters of love, I understand that.

Saturday I went to a concert with some friends, and I had asked her a week prior if she was interested in going, I was getting tickets. She said she'd look into it and didn't ask about it again, and I didn't bring it up again, figuring if she wanted to go, she would let me know. So Saturday afternoon she asks if I still want her to come, she might be able to make to make it, but would be on the later side, and she felt like things had changed for me and I seem like I would not be happy to see her after our short phone conversation last night. I said I'd be happy to see her. She didn't come, but I also left early since I was sick. So I told her I'd left, she texted me right back and we continued texting for a couple hours, and confirmed we would get together the following day.

So 4 days after our burrito situation we went for a hike, talked about our situation, made dinner. I told her that I can understand where she's at, and that we haven't even been dating that long and I just needed a little perspective, that I'm overall okay with the situation. Things seemed pretty normal (between the sheets, less exciting than last time but still good). She stayed over. So I dropped her off this morning, and when I was leaving I had this flicker of intuition that I'm putting myself in a bad situation. I can't help but think about whether she's spending time like this with other people, and how many, and where I stand in her eyes among them. And it's a pretty crappy feeling to feel. I guess I could ask her and make my decision based on that, but I also don't want to come off as totally preoccupied about it and clingy, since I already have said I'm good with it. I think a month in, this is a normal situation it's just we were oddly forced into talking about it, and now I know more than I'd care to. But am I just her plaything? Kind of seems like a rebound situation, and she's just trying to have fun at this point. I'm also thinking about just continuing to date other people and her, not usually my style but seems to lend itself to this situation.

Don't compromise your values for anyone, especially someone you have only been on a few dates with.

You aren't comfortable with the idea that she is multi-dating (and sleeping with multiple people) and I think that's totally okay. I also think that if she chooses to do so that is her choice, not to be judged, but to be accepted so that you can make an informed decision about whether you want to be with someone that has different values from you.

This is what dating is all about... meeting people we like and then finding out that our values don't align, or that we aren't on the same page in life, or whatever. When this happens you just chalk it up to experience and more information about what you don't want, and then move on to the next.

What I hear, reading this, is that you are suddenly trying to swim in water that is not really water you're up for swimming in. Sure, you can try to adjust your stroke—or your "style," per your words—but the moment we start doing that is often the moment we stop doing the very thing we want from dating: being ourselves around another person. Compromising our truth in order to be with someone is rarely a recipe for harmony.

She was clear with you about where she's at. To another man, with another state of mind about all this, that may have been a source of comfort: a shrug, not a sting. For you it triggered discomfort, which has been expanding since. Not good. In your state of discomfort you are sliding into a kind of anxious, insecure, and insincere version of yourself: fretting about her and others, wondering if you are a "plaything," wondering if you can do some gymnastics to make it all work, and so on. That's unlikely going to be the guy she wants to settle down with, just like it's unlikely going to the guy you like looking at in the mirror.

So, what to do?

Well, I think it's always important to know our thresholds, our limits, and, above all, what we really want. Some people want declarations of monogamy and a label after a month, some do not. Neither are right or wrong. Can you truly be yourself, and be confident, knowing she is dating others? Can you see this as positive moment, rather than a moment to endure with the hopes that it leads to commitment? Can you trust that someone a month or two out of a relationship, who is wary of monogamy, can offer you what you're seeking from dating, with her and in general, right now? Ask those questions and answer them honestly and you'll have some clarity.

In the future, it's really not wise to assume someone is your girlfriend until you've discussed that.

To me there is a difference between a relationship and just dating. Relationships are committed partnerships with another person that (unless stated otherwise by both parties) are monogamous. Dating is meeting/experiencing new people of whom you will eventually form a relationship with one and take it to "that level".

It sounds like you're looking for a relationship and she's looking to casually date since she's fresh out of a relationship. This is understandable - I'm literally in your same situation with my own recent ex - but you also have to be smart about what you want, not just understanding to what she wants.

This all sounds like cool person/wrong timing. She wants to be single and date, you clearly aren't 100% with the idea of being one of a few who she is dating... so if that is bothering you, I suggest being a gentleman, explaining to her that you understand her situation, but also that - at least at this time - you are both looking for different things, romantically.

I'd let her know you need to step away but that if/when she feels ready to potentially pursue something that could turn serious; you would be happy to give it another shot and see if you two could work.

Then bow out and move on. Maybe she'll call months from now, maybe she won't - but you'll have ended it like an adult and avoided the pain of being in a situation you clearly will feel uncomfortable being in, judgning by, " I can't help but think about whether she's spending time like this with other people, and how many, and where I stand in her eyes among them. And it's a pretty crappy feeling to feel."

I'd feel crappy too - but you respect her reasoning so I think she'll also respect yours, just leave the door open for her to call if/when she ever feels like seeking something that could be more serious.

She'll at the least remember that there was a guy who didn't freak out at her and was open/honest/accepting to her as well as to himself and the fact you two were on a different level right now. But to continue to put yourself into the situation when you seem like it'll be negatively affecting you is just torturous and will end in you both having a messy breakup/fight when it becomes too much for either of you since you're both not on that same level at this current time.

This all sounds like cool person/wrong timing. She wants to be single and date, you clearly aren't 100% with the idea of being one of a few who she is dating... so if that is bothering you, I suggest being a gentleman, explaining to her that you understand her situation, but also that - at least at this time - you are both looking for different things, romantically.

 

I'd let her know you need to step away but that if/when she feels ready to potentially pursue something that could turn serious; you would be happy to give it another shot and see if you two could work.

 

Then bow out and move on. Maybe she'll call months from now, maybe she won't - but you'll have ended it like an adult and avoided the pain of being in a situation you clearly will feel uncomfortable being in, judgning by, " I can't help but think about whether she's spending time like this with other people, and how many, and where I stand in her eyes among them. And it's a pretty crappy feeling to feel."

Great advice, this.

I realize it's probably not what you want to do, but it does seem like the most sincere expression of who you are and how you feel.

I was ok with not being exclusive one month in. I would not have been ok having casual sex with someone also having sex -or the potential to have sex -with someone else. Both for emotional and practical/health reasons as well as my values.

I think this is a combination situation. She is not quite ready to jump back into monogamy/exclusivity plus she is not that into you. She's into you enough to have sleepovers and get to know you better, but how she put it and what she said doesn't show much potential. I would have felt differently if she'd said "I'm really into you so far, I am looking for something serious right now, see potential here and I'm not quite ready to be exclusive." But instead she said that she's not into monogamy right now because she just ended a long relationship, and said nothing about you being the top contender were she to be ready.

I think you want two different things right now and even though it's early days I think if she were really into you she wouldn't have sabotaged it by giving you TMI about where her head is right now. She didn't have to share about where her head is at because you've only been out a few times -none of your business - unless it meant that she didn't see potential with you. I don't think she sees potential yet, and on balance she's having fun casually dating. She's entitled and you're entitled to someone more serious minded in general and more serious minded about you.

I'd step away, OP.

Your first instinct was to feel uneasy with her revelation. Listen to that.

Think of how you will feel when you realize she can't see you on X or Y night because she's actually got a date with another guy, for example. Or she continues seeing and talking to you fairly regularly, giving you hope that she's coming around, and then you find out her position on non-monogamy has not changed. I think you're allowing how good it feels to spend time with her in the moment to skew your perception of the bigger picture - which is that she's also having those fun moments with other guys too. Laughing at their jokes, having burritos, exchanging flirty texts.

She has been honest that the sort of relationship she is looking for at this time is not an exclusive one. If that's what you're after (and it sounds like it is) then she's not your gal.

Going to be blunt here. If she is dating around, she is actually ready to date. You've spent time and have gone on just enough dates for her to judge you as unfit for a more serious relationship. Sorry, but you've been effectively rejected. This isn't a reflection of you or what you have to offer, more just not a match in this case.

If I were you, I'd simply move on. I think your instincts are spot on here. Respect yourself, respect your time. While you are busy wasting time on her, you aren't meeting the woman who is actually right for you. In fact, I wouldn't even offer any "if you change your mind". Don't be her doormat or waiting in the wings man. Just tell her politely that you are looking for different things and be gone.

I think the dating around is fine at this early stage. But her reasons for dating around and her willingness to share those details with the OP show that she's not that into him/not available for exclusivity.

Have the exclusive talk. Avoid burritos on date nights that involve sleepovers.

everything was peachy until we were eating burritos together We made that plan while eating burritos. 4 days after our burrito situation we went for a hike, talked about our situation, made dinner. She stayed over.

I would have felt differently if she'd said "I'm really into you so far, I am looking for something serious right now, see potential here and I'm not quite ready to be exclusive." But instead she said that she's not into monogamy right now because she just ended a long relationship, and said nothing about you being the top contender were she to be ready.

Well, yes and no. For posterity and accuracy, I mostly painted a picture basically entirely of the negative aspects of this situation, so I can see why everyone seems to think it's a no-brainer to end it. After we had that initial conversation, she told me she likes me, and is very interested in a monogamous relationship, just not right now. I felt like she was giving me pretty strong signals that, despite her commitment to herself not to jump head-on into a relationship, she is interested in having one with me.

I agree that the fact she even told me she is not interested in being exclusive could mean that she's just not that into me, and maybe that would be true from some individuals' perspective. But it could also mean that she has atrong s conscience and doesn't want to hurt me because she is interested but not ready. She told me last night that she was in a relationship with her high school sweetheart from 7th grade to early college, so her experience certainly seems congruent with what she's telling me (she jumps into long relationships and is trying to avoid doing that too quickly). But also, it's interesting that the two females who replied came to the same conclusion, so I'm certainly taking that into consideration.

But alas, yeah I was thinking my initial negative feelings about the situation should be my compass. It's too early for feelings of negativity. I'll tell her that I cant continue to see her under these circumstances, but I am interested in her and hope she'll give me a call if she decides she wants to be exclusive.

Yeah I guess when I read that last sentence it sounds like I've already been rejected. It's just hard to believe given the way she responds to me, acts around me, etc.

You sound like a terrific guy, but I do not think she is the one for you.

I would move on.

she told me she likes me, and is very interested in a monogamous relationship, just not right now

 

I felt like she was giving me pretty strong signals that, despite her commitment to herself not to jump head-on into a relationship, she is interested in having one with me.

OP I suggest taking her at her word vs these signals you speak of. The words in bold are the ones you need to pay attention to. At the end of the day it's your choice whether to wait, or to let her go and perhaps to keep the door open for when she is ready to settle down. There are risks to waiting for her... she may not choose you after all... and you risk sitting in anxiety and frustration while she makes a decision... but if you feel she is worth it then by all means go for it!

She's sowing her wild oats with you and whatever other guys are willing to do that. She's going crazy licking every flavor of lollipop in the candy shop, and one day she will grow tired of that and will want to get off her sugar high.

Never wait around for what a person isn't ready for in the here and now. Nobody's worth putting your life on hold for or wasting your time on, hoping she'll pick you like you're on The Bachelorette show. She's not the only fun, attractive, sexy woman in your local dating pool. Keep cutting the losers loose so you can find a woman who shares your dating style.

When I dated, I had those discussions myself with guys once it got to the point we'd be making out. I held out for someone who liked to focus on one person at a time, and my future husband shared my exact viewpoint on that area. We've now been married for 8 years.

It takes a lot of sifting through the sand to find the treasure, so get back to the beach.

If you want an exclusive relationship with someone you see potential with, move on. This is not the woman for you. She has already told you that she's not ready for one, so believe it.

I've been in situations where I've not been ready for a relationship because I was still licking my wounds after a breakup, and just had to be honest to guys who were interested. Some took me at my word, and we carried on going out to concerts/meals/coffee as friends; one or two decided that I did want a relationship, just not at that time, and I had to let them down as gently as I could.

If she's not ready for you, she's not ready for you. It means she isn't available right now. You've got a lot to give the right person, so get back out there and find her!

The first few months—the first month, especially—are a fragile time when the boat of another can be easily rocked by a hiccup. Being blunt, I think what happened is that your 2am hiccup caused her to hiccup. If she was a touch thrown by the Burrito Incident, she was really thrown when you couldn't let it lie for a bit and get back to regularly scheduled programming.

Yes, you were being light and funny, but she understood the subtext: you would like to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and you would prefer that happen ASAP, ideally yesterday. Or you'd at least like to feel that she very much wants to be your girlfriend, so you can continue exploring your feelings and connection with confidence and lightness.

And in that moment something that was light and fun and bubbling with some legit potential turned heavy, less fun, and more limited, for her. You went from being a guy she was enjoying getting to know to a guy she was worried about hurting, a guy who didn't see things as she saw them and didn't see her as she wants to be seen —and, by extension, you became a guy she was less serious about. I bet she's a little bummed about that pivot too, since, yes, she liked/likes you. Still, pivots are pivots, hiccups are hiccups.

That's not blaming you, or pointing out where you jumped the shark. You didn't. With a better match, it could have all played out differently, and that, more than her, is the person you want to be dating. I say start looking for that woman, taking all this as evidence that she is not that woman. You can keep this door ajar, if that's in your wheelhouse, but I wouldn't expect much, nor do I think you've got that in you, judging from your tone here.

I suspect my girlfriend would have run for the hills had I started making jokes about being her boyfriend after a month, or labeled her my girlfriend to a loopy, prying stranger. But that was't me, so we were able to navigate those fragile days pretty seamlessly. Good match. Luck. Prior to her I turned people off with some hiccups, and was turned off by the hiccups of other—dating, the sour parts in pursuit of the sweet. Bad matches. Life.

You're awesome. She's awesome. But don't become less awesome to accommodate her. Nothing good comes from that.

Listen to what she herself told you, rather than what you want these so-called "signals" to mean.

Only keep dating her if you can truly handle that fact she is dating other men, too.

It's funny, I had a chat about something similar with a male relative of mine not long ago. He's recently out of a 12-year marriage and just dipping his toes back into the dating game. Meeting women, having some fun. Though he was honest that he didn't want a relationship at this time, it became clear that two of them still wanted more (ie. exclusivity) so he was reiterated to both that he wasn't looking for a relationship right now and is dating around and seeing others. Based on his description of how they responded to that, it was clear to me that both these ladies were selectively hearing what they wanted to hear - that maybe they would have a shot at a relationship later. I am sure that neither would be pleased to know that the very weekend he and I had that chat, a different woman entirely spent the night at his place. He had been honest he didn't want commitment with the first two, and he was very much not interested in taking things further. He meant it. It seemed they both were doing what you are doing now - taking bits and pieces of what was actually said to you, and attempting to find some semblance of hope in your own interpretation of those words. And probably hoping against hope that the person in question is not actually seeing others, when in fact they are and having a great time doing so.

For what it's worth, the aforementioned relative told me has since kindly cut contact with the two women who were still hoping for more. He's not in a place to offer more than some unencumbered, casual good times, and he doesn't yet know when he will get there. The woman in your situation is essentially telling you the same thing. Believe her.

I would continue to date someone who had the general goal "right now" of finding a serious relationship and was not ready after a few dates to be exclusive with me but not if he also wanted sex to be involved in our dating or if he was having casual sex with multiple women (because that would have meant incompatible values). If he was not ready now to be in the mindset of looking for a serious relationship I wouldn't continue dating him while waiting for him to "be ready".

I think you overdo it in describing this as a "commitment to herself" not to jump into a relationship. I don't get the sense it's as formal as that for her -she simply is a gal having fun shopping around after a long term relationship ended and she fancies you but doesn't want to close off options because why should she - eventually she wants something serious with someone but not now so she's keeping options open not to make sure she picks the right person to get serious with (which is why I kept options open - I didn't put my eggs in one basket with someone I'd just recently met especially when I was in my 30s and the dating pool was dwindling somewhat) but because she wants to keep her options open to have fun. Very different goals and my other sense is that if someone knocks her socks off her "commitment" will go out the window.

She does like you, she is attracted to you and I think part of her reason for telling you this early on "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" is because at this point she doesn't feel a particularly strong spark with you. That could change but if her mindset is not serious minded she also has little motivation to even recognize if the spark gets stronger.

Two months after a one and half year relationship is too soon. Don't be the rebound, step away.

Speaking only for myself, I would pretzel for no one--especially someone who's only a month out of a LTR. I'd rather say, "I really like you and can picture the two of us together in the future, but I didn't realize that you were so newly out of a relationship. I can appreciate why that would have you unready for a relationship, so I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If you ever decide that you're relationship material, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

Hanging around a rebounder hoping for something to 'take' isn't productive--or good for your own head. I'd skip that and keep the door open for better timing in the future.

Read up on rebounding, and screen better going forward.