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Should I tell my new girlfriend about this past dark event?


DonCania

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I've been dating this woman for 5 months total, exclusive for one month. We haven't had sex, and don't plan on it until we marry each other. However, a tidbit of my past just started haunting me. Five years ago, I went to an escort at a brothel in Germany. I was so subconsciously disgusted with myself that I didn't finish, (but still had intercouse for less than 2 seconds), got dressed, and ran out. Five years have passed, and I barely thought about it until now.

 

2 weeks into our exclusive relationship (1 month so far), she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same. Her question was dating-related in my eyes, and yes, everyone I've dated, I've saved for marriage. I omitted the fact from 5 yrs ago because I figured a month in is too short to be discussing deep secrets like this. Today, I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin. Should I bring up the escort experience from 5 yrs ago, something that doesn't define who I am today? If so, how and when? I feel guilty.

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No.

 

No need for her to know anything about this.

 

Look on this site how it went when people wanted to unburden themselves by "confessing" to something that happened long before they met their current SO. In fact, there's an active thread where the OP's (now-ex) boyfriend used something she did before they were even together as a method to abuse her.

 

I am not saying your girlfriend will abuse you. But this is something you did that has absolutely nothing to do with her.

 

Hopefully you have had a full STD screening and are negative.

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Her question was dating-related in my eyes, and yes, everyone I've dated, I've saved for marriage. I omitted the fact from 5 yrs ago

 

If you were chaste with every girl you were officially dating, but had a one night stand, would you say "i never had sex?"

 

I would have told her that you had one experience, where you stopped midway and vowed to wait for marriage ever since. your conscience got the best of you. A woman who is waiting may find that refreshingly honest. Or you decided to wait until marriage when you were X years old and leave what happened before out.

 

I don't know how to come back from the fact that you already lied...

 

Are you sure a buddy wasn't with you or no one would somehow spill the beans? Are you tested for STDs?

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You need to answer your own question because we're not you. If you were this woman, would you want to know the truth or is ignorance bliss? Always place yourself in another person's shoes and ask yourself how you would want to be treated. Then there is your answer.

 

If you know your coming forward will risk dissolving your relationship with this woman, then remain silent. If your conscience will continue to consume you and cause your guilt, tell the truth. If your conscience won't haunt you, then remain silent and be on your best, most honorable behavior throughout your relationship and marriage.

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Prostitutes, especially those in Europe, often are very safe with sex and get STD tests FREQUENTLY.

 

Unless they are testing after each and every client, they don't know for certain.

 

It only takes one person to have an STD. Not all hookers use condoms or abstain from oral. They would literally have to test after each person, otherwise it really is a crapshoot.

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Like say for instance the hooker has a client at 10 am. She allows him to perform oral on her and she performs oral on him.

 

They exchange body fluids.

 

That client happened to have Aids.

 

The next client is at 4 pm. He does the same things with her. She tells him it's safe as she was tested just last week, little does she or the client at 4 pm realize that they both contracted Aids from the guy at 10 am.

 

That's all it takes.

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Dating is to get to know each other and learn about important compatibility characteristics. It is not to play confession or therapy and dump extraneous info on people you have been dating 20 weeks. Go on dates, get to know each other. Is being a virgin required in your culture?

 

If you have sexuality issues or issues with this brothel visit after all this time, go to a therapist.

Five years ago, I went to an escort at a brothel in Germany. I was so subconsciously disgusted with myself that I didn't finish, I've saved for marriage. she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin.
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Don’t tell her. Forgive yourself and forget about it. I wouldn’t count sticking the carrot into a doughnut for two seconds as “having sex” anyways. I would still consider you a virgin.

 

This is like saying you’ve played euchre when you really just sat in on one hand, threw a card on the table, and then left. You definitely didn’t play euchre and still don’t know what playing the game of euchre is like.

 

If you want to beat yourself up over something you did years ago, by all means, have at it. But I think life is way, way too short to put such a big emphasis on such a tiny, insignificant part of your life.

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I have a dark past of my own and so does my bf... we know this about each other and we don't really talk much about it... because it's in the past, and we are different people today and who we are now is more important... and my side of the street is clean today (physically, spiritually and emotionally) so I don't have any need to share that stuff with him and vice versa.

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Don’t tell her. Forgive yourself and forget about it. I wouldn’t count sticking the carrot into a doughnut for two seconds as “having sex” anyways. I would still consider you a virgin.

 

This is like saying you’ve played euchre when you really just sat in on one hand, threw a card on the table, and then left. You definitely didn’t play euchre and still don’t know what playing the game of euchre is like.

 

If you want to beat yourself up over something you did years ago, by all means, have at it. But I think life is way, way too short to put such a big emphasis on such a tiny, insignificant part of your life.

 

But if he has told her that he is a virgin, then that's a lie. It depends on what he told her. "I am a virgin vs i have decided that when i meet someone i am not having sex unless we marry" If he chooses not to tell her, then he has to be sure if let's say things go well and in two years time, he is down on one knee with a ring, he can't feel the "deep need to confess". its not fair to her -- if he feels he needs to unburden himself it should be now instead of then.

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if he feels he needs to unburden himself it should be now instead of then.

 

It should be not at all. Spilling the truth to unburden yourself is selfish.

 

And it didn’t sound like she straight out asked if he was a virgin. But even then, it really comes down to whether he considers himself a virgin. Based on his description of what happened, I would consider him a virgin. OP, if you feel you’re NOT a virgin, and it’s important to her specifically to be with a virgin, that’s changes things a bit. But that’s not how I interpreted this situation. I envisioned a casual conversation where you didn’t divulge a dark secret and are now just feeling guilty about it.

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But if he has told her that he is a virgin, then that's a lie. It depends on what he told her. "I am a virgin vs i have decided that when i meet someone i am not having sex unless we marry" If he chooses not to tell her, then he has to be sure if let's say things go well and in two years time, he is down on one knee with a ring, he can't feel the "deep need to confess". its not fair to her -- if he feels he needs to unburden himself it should be now instead of then.

 

He didn't tell her he's a virgin.

 

From his OP:

"she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same...

Today, I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin. "

 

She "may have construed" is not "I told her I'm a virgin".

 

Anyway, the OP seems to be a one and done. Maybe the questions about STD testing ran him off.

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