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Thread: EX-GF in a long distance rebound(?) relationship?

  1. #1

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    EX-GF in a long distance rebound(?) relationship?

    Hey everyone! New here and still trying to cope a little bit more from day to day but still have a question

    My (ex) and I were together for 7 years (my first love) and she broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We never fought and even then I didnt looked for a fight...She still says she cares for me, but is not "in love" with me and wanted to stay (best) friends. I asked for no contact for like 30 days to just sort through everything as this came out of the blue for me (probably not for her...). We agreed to ten days.

    A week later she told me that there is nothing left and even felt relieved. We remained in contact for a little bit as I moved out but still had some thing left.

    She went away for a night and I asked her if I could move the rest as she was gone and she agreed. I looked into her FB and a game chat and lo and behold, she chatted with her EX she had before me, very explicit at some point and was looking forward to meet him. Im not sure at which time this started, but she went to his home town for a big event and probably due to an old mutual friend met him again. She is the kind of person who can have ex friends as normal friends. I believe she didnt cheat there on me back then, but im not 100% sure. Shes just not that person to do that. Also we had an issue two years before where she began to have feelings for another one but we "worked" through it as this was very shortlived. Now she didnt want to have this kind of thing every two years where she has feeling for another guy. Also she wrote to her dad that our lives went in different directions...which well...she could´ve talked to me about this. I already had plans for our future but maybe she lied to him....

    I understand that part of her feelings for another but I would have loved here too to talk this through and not "drown" the 7 years down she ter in an instant.


    Now comes the big one:
    They live around 8 hours train ride apart. He will not move out of this home town where he has everything and she would not do this again (she moved for someone but never again) as she has to much in her hometown also. Before she met me she had a 10 month long distance relationship with him (same distance). He visited only once for 1-2 weeks and after that "vanished" a little bit. He also made comments that she was boring in bed. He looked at other woman and so on. Also...she thought the sex was not good as he had a huge and it was more hurting than everything else. And also he tried to flirt with other girls a few months after he left her (where I came slow but steady into her live).


    Now they got into explicit chat very fast (I believe some days after the breakup) without any thought about their future and also...without thinking what he had done to her back in the day. Its like I did not exist anymore. She is not narcistic so she had very deep feeling for me (and she wanted to stay friends).


    Im now looking for some answers. I know what I did wrong in the relationship (took her for granted, missed attraction, should have been more active to make it short). But to discover this was a kick in my nuts.

    I told her on monday that I want no contact as I would fall back everytime with her and it would kill me so to disconnect fully would be the best option for me. I want to stay strong but on the same time, I would love to have her back to start anew.


    My question:
    Can you be honest and just tell me I should move on with no contact and try to get over her with time or is this really a rebound? I know, my hopes right now are talking but im also confused about moving on so fast. She probably thought about breaking up in the past at some points but still...


    Edit: I would love to write her all that but I know she wont listen and will just disconnect more with me probably...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You're all sorts of hurt and manic right now, as people are in your shoes. Sucks. Hugs. That said, I think you're really struggling to see things clearly, to treat yourself—and, really, her—as you need right now, at this stage.

    Bottom line: Whatever she is doing right now, and with whom, is not your business. The only reason you know about any of it is because you crossed a major line in snooping through her stuff. So, go back to the other side of that line and focus on yourself, on what you need to move on, not on what she might be doing.

    People flail in the wake of breakups. Some flail into yoga, eastern spirituality, and poetry. Others flail in text messages and flings with exes. I've done both, a few times over, and none of it (not the poetry, not the flings) had anything to do with the person I'd left, or left me. It was me living my life, making whatever choices felt right at the time. That's all she's doing, so respect it rather than try to control it or turn it into some verdict on you and your time together. And respect yourself by being who you want to be, which I don't think is a man snooping through his ex's stuff and freaking out about whatever he found.

    Your relationship didn't work. It once did, but now it stopped working. Your work now is on accepting that, which is hard work, but it'll get you where you want to be while the drain your circling right now will do the opposite.

    So, no, don't write her this. Don't write her anything. Do the thing you've known you've needed but have so far failed to do: give yourself those 30 days. Not ten, which is a sneeze. Not a week, which is half a sneeze. Thirty days is also a sneeze, but just enough of one that might give you the perspective you're presently lacking, so you can actually treat the cold instead of continuing to sneeze.

    Hard stuff, I know. Hang in there.

  3. #3

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    Thank you for your answer.
    I know I have to stay strong and yeah, im a bit manic right now and was when I saw this messages (which occured in our agreed 10day NC, so this kicked me hard)

    Its just she has some heavy health issues (Multiple Sclerosis as the biggest one) and right now im worried that this guy will be pretty unhealthy for her as he will drop her like a hot potato if he knows everything about that (hes more a womanizer as Ive known him too back then..). This hurts too...

    I know I have to change this to think about myself... its just the deep love I feel for her. Im hoping right now that my hope for reconcilation will be gone in the near future as this sucks to hell and no contact is ing hard...


    Thank you again. I needed to "vent" a bit...and I know I have to stay away from her to heal myself. I would love a time machine for this...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Yeah, but that time machine would mean you skip over the personal growth and evolution that comes with handling all this. Looking through someone's messages and obsessing about another dude? Those are choices, and they will inform how you grow during this time. There are other choices that you can make, which will grow you into a different shape. I can only speak for myself, but while I am not nostalgic for the pain felt during my big breakups, I am grateful for the growth and don't cringe (too much) at the choices I made to move on.

    She will be fine. You will be fine. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to accept, because the idea that we can be "fine" without someone who was so essential to us feels like it minimizes it. But it's just life. You were fine before you knew her, as was she, before knowing you. To assume you know better than someone else is, in the end, kind of self-serving and disrespectful, as is agreeing to a period of "NC" and then finding a workaround through spying.

    Time to rise up to a higher level, so you can meet and inhabit your higher self. The hope of reconciliation is normal, and will be there until it's not. But, hey, while it's there? You might want to be someone she'd want to be with, and I don't think that includes some of the ways you're being right now. Maybe think of it like that, while the mania is acute.

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  6. #5

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    Just to clarify: I didnt snoop when we were in 10day NC. I did not contact her at all and didnt look into any of her social media or something.
    I did it last monday when I was moving the rest out of her apartment and we already talked again after that 10day NC. I told her I wanted to move everything so I have no reason to contact her again and then, when I was alone in "our" apartment, I snooped. Not even that much but the little bit I found was enough. But still, you are right, I was wrong in doing this. But to be very blunt and honest: It gave closure to some degree.


    And a very good point about beeing someone who she would want to be with as I will get better in any case!


    But you sound like you have made some experience in the past. I will save this post in case I may need some clarity again :)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry to hear this. Yes, please preserve your dignity and do not approach her on this (at least not right now). You're hurting quite a lot and still recovering from the break up. I agree with the above that it's no longer your business. As bitter as it feels, take it as a further indication that this woman is not the right woman for you. When one door closes, another opens. ...Terribly cliche but absolutely true. Take it easy and vent anytime.


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