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Unhappy with long distance relationship, but I want to be happy with it


Andrew2916

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I met this girl at university when she was on exchange from USA and we dated in person for 8 months, and have now been dating long distance for 10 months. We had a rough plan on how things were going to work out, ultimately ending with her moving to my country and finally having a normal relationship. However about three months ago I started feeling like the long distance relationship wasn’t fulfilling anymore, and I communicated this with my girlfriend. I wanted to keep trying to make things work, hoping that the future would be worth it. Not long after, she had a cancerous tumour removed from her brain, and while it’s treatable, it’s made the situation a lot more complicated. I’ve only become more and more unhappy with the relationship, but I still desperately want things to work out in the end, and I’ve told her this multiple times and yet I’m still unhappy. We’ve been planning to get me out to the US for a few months but I’m barely going to be able to afford it, and it feels like it’s just going to be another gamble amongst everything else for myself, as I’m just losing confidence in this relationship. I don’t know what to do anymore, I love her and she loves me, but this relationship is extremely difficult and upsetting for me and I’m getting no reassurance that there’s going to be a happy future for us both. Any guidance or comments are much appreciated. Thank you

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OP, you need to step outside yourself a bit here if you want this to work. You kind of skated right over the fact that the girl had cancer, so let's back up.

 

She has just been through a serious and frightening medical procedure. Her emotions are going to be all over the place, and your relationship will take a backseat in the fight for her life. I understand the tumor was removed and her prognosis seems good, thankfully, but you appear to be grossly underestimating just how life-altering and difficult this surely is for her. Her priority is going to be confronting the fact she had a potentially life-threatening illness and getting healthy again.

 

If you are that unhappy and feel unfulfilled, it is probably best to end this. Long-distance, particularly under these difficult circumstances, doesn't appear to be for you.

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If you can barely afford a plane trip, how you can afford the cost of the visas it takes to marry a foreigner, plus the fact that she won't be able to work until your country says she can? It's easy for two people from different countries, with chemistry, to become infatuated when thrown together. What's hard is that relationship to become permanent. If she did move your way, she'd be wrenched away from family and friends and adapting to this is quite upsetting, to say the least. And then if you two had children, how sad that her parents will only get to see their grandchildren only once a year or less, depending on finances.

 

You're not 100 percent confident in continuing. My recommendation is to end it and find a match locally.

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OP, you need to step outside yourself a bit here if you want this to work. You kind of skated right over the fact that the girl had cancer, so let's back up.

 

She has just been through a serious and frightening medical procedure. Her emotions are going to be all over the place, and your relationship will take a backseat in the fight for her life. I understand the tumor was removed and her prognosis seems good, thankfully, but you appear to be grossly underestimating just how life-altering and difficult this surely is for her. Her priority is going to be confronting the fact she had a potentially life-threatening illness and getting healthy again.

 

If you are that unhappy and feel unfulfilled, it is probably best to end this. Long-distance, particularly under these difficult circumstances, doesn't appear to be for you.

 

I agree. And, you did give very small mention to the cancer and what sh is dealing with.

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