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Thread: Unsure How To Deal With Boyfriends Mother

  1. #81
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    The bottom line is nothing in life is "free." There's always a price to pay. He who holds the most gold makes all the rules.

    Anything for "free" has a catch. Whoever is providing "free" services expects something in return which is power, control, obligations and indebtedness which is manipulation. Hence, nothing in life is "free" even under the guise of "kindness and generosity." Beware.

    If your boyfriend cannot afford childcare for his children, he's hosed which impacts you.

    In this case, the grandmother provides "free" childcare at a cost which is control regarding proper sleeping arrangements and her moral code rules. Either abide by the grandmother's rules or she'll pull the plug on her "free" childcare services for her grandchildren. It's pure and simple.

    If you wish to make your own rules in this life, pay for professional childcare services. In this life, you pay for for everything in order to become completely independent of anyone including making your own rules and living however you wish. No one has the power to tell you what to do if you pay your own way in this life.

    Until then, the grandmother will provide "free" childcare services for her grandchildren albeit strings attached. There's always a catch. Nothing is truly "free." Once you understand this concept, you will gain better clarity of this situation.

    It's very simple. Either pay your own way for everything as well as your boyfriend for money out for professional childcare and knock the grandmother out of the picture or have her provide "free" childcare for another price which is your freedom. "Free" childcare means everyone's hands are tied and it's either the grandmother's way or the highway.

  2. #82
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with you, Batya, at least in a vacuum. And if his mother is expressing it with such eloquence—well, sure. But I just don't get the sense that's how it's all gone down, or has been going down.

    I'm also biased, of course, by my own value system, much of it forged by being a child and watching adults test out their own value systems—on me, directly and indirectly, sometimes clumsily, sometimes with inspiring grace—by applying them to a world and to situations (divorce and the aftermath) that were new to them and could have maybe used some opening of the eyes instead of squinting them shut.

    I really feel for all parties involved here: OP, her bf, the (grand)mother, and especially the children on all sides. Would be interesting, depending on their ages, to know what those children would prefer: a distant "special friend" of dads who, after a wedding, is now suddenly brewing coffee in the kitchen every morning and sharing a bathroom, or someone gradually merging with their lives so that, when the wedding happens, it's less a massive jolt to the status quo than a celebration of a new order, and new chapter, that everyone was part of creating.

    Anyhow, it's a tough situation. There are solutions, but they're all a bit tough too, and certainly require OP to pull out the white flag I sense she really doesn't want to wave. Such is life.

  3. #83
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    Is there anyone else who can help pick the kids up? Can you pay for an after school program?

    If so, do that and tell mom "thanks but we've got this covered".

    If not I'm honestly not sure what to tell you other than she sounds like a passive aggressive controlling nightmare and you have my sympathies.

  4. #84
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Lots of interesting thoughts here. I dont think you will win with mom since her services seem to be needed regarding the kids. Does your bf work on weekends? If not, and he's at home, why not stay over on weekends when mom wont be coming over?

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  6. #85
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I think the grandma has filled and does fill a special role with those kids that goes beyond just free caregiving. The bond there will have developed differently, because she has helped fill in as somewhat as a parental figure.
    Her son having OP over nights with the kids, she may be worried this adds confusion to the dynamic. And it somewhat does. It makes sense to be staying overnights if for instance OP was slowly doing some of the every day stuff role with the kids. But she's not, and won't be for at years. So it's somewhat confusing that grandma would continue doing mom stuff while there is another female figure staying at the house with the kids. Perhaps someone understand me here.

    I'd just wait. I'd wait until I could offer more before insisting on waking up with the kids there. It's totally workable. And at the end, the kids could have all of you working as a smooth team.

  7. #86
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    ^^^ That is spot on, I think. OP: I hope that clears things up for you and helps you to accept that grandma isn't as out of line as you have deemed her to be.

  8. #87
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Sorry if someone already asked this, but you have been dating for 4 years, is this only just becoming an issue?

    Have you been staying overnight the whole time, or just recently?

    If you have been having long term sleepovers, what has happened recently to make his Mother make this stipulation?
    Last edited by shellyf62; 09-23-2019 at 12:16 AM.

  9. #88
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    Originally Posted by shellyf62
    Sorry if someone already asked this, but you have been dating for 4 years, is this only just becoming an issue?

    Have you been staying overnight the whole time, or just recently?

    If you have been having long term sleepovers, what has happened recently to make his Mother make this stipulation?
    It hasn’t been from the start, but over time it evolved into me staying while the kids were there. It wasn’t formally announced to her as it wasn’t exactly something either of us felt necessary to declare to her, as a matter of fact it wasn’t anything that needed her approval so it was never directly brought to her attention so to speak. It was never intentionally kept from her or intentionally told to her as it wasn’t something that she needed to know if that makes sense. It was one of those things where it’s just part of what we do, her approval wasn’t needed. She recently found out which is how this transpired.

  10. #89
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    Originally Posted by charity
    If anyone was attempting to control the decisions I make in my life by withdrawing support I would do all I could do to make do without that support.

    These are two adults living their adult lives. The mother has been asked to help with childcare. She can say yes or no.

    But stipulating that she will only give support on condition her adult son changes his private life is very controlling and very arrogant.

    If he goes along with this he is showing acceptance of her conditions. He is showing that she is the mother and he a child that has to abide by her wishes as if he was a 17 year old living under her roof. She clearly doesn't see him as an equal.

    I would not have her minding the children. It comes with too high a price - control and meddling.

    Of course, it's up to your boyfriend to know this and enforce this. But chances are (since she raised him) that he is somewhat afraid of her and still under her thumb.
    Your response mimics my feelings very much. I agree it is very controlling, despite others opposing the control opinion. If it wasn’t control, she would have stated her opinion, made her opposition known and that would have been that, it wouldn’t have been followed by sudden strings attached to the help she currently extends. The control part entered into the equation when she followed her opposition with threats. People use threats as a way to control others or a situation and while she may very well have her grandchildren’s best interest in place based on her own moral opinions, at the same time if she’s concerned about morals perhaps she should consider how it’s morally wrong to try & force cooperation of ones beliefs upon someone with adverse conditions if they don’t comply.

    As I see it her son is punished if he doesn’t comply and in turn her grandkids are as well by changing up that part of their life & taking that time with them away, all because he won’t jump on board with her way of thinking. Now is that in their best interest or is that control? That has control written all over it as far as I’m concerned.

  11. #90
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    This hits a nerve with me... I have a LONG history of this type of $hit with my family.

    Here's the thing:

    Momma bird lays her eggs, they hatch, she cares for them, then she teaches them to fly. After that they are on their own. Momma bird has no say in who they mate with. END. OF. STORY.

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