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Thread: Unsure How To Deal With Boyfriends Mother

  1. #11
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    Perhaps, you should consider outside care for the kids. Remember, she is doing you a favor, so you either accept it, or you don't.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by angelita0609
    And when the next issue comes along that she doesnít agree with & this same thing happens again, Iím just supposed to sit back & accept it & think of it as itís his family & therefore I need to take their wishes of our relationship into consideration even with threats attached? When does it come down to its our relationship & itís important to do whatís best for us? Iím not one to standby and say nothing just to pacify & keep peace with others, for their satisfaction.
    I'll be very blunt (no disrespect). I don't think his mother likes you. Period. I'm sorry to have to say that but if it's not already clear enough to you, it should be clear with the level of resentment that's beginning to show. The only way through that, is to neutralize the issues and resentment and think of the bigger picture. Put down the pitchforks, in other words. Make peace, not war. Mentally, stop creating arguments and getting defensive around her. It might help to change the language or the use of the word "threats". Really, let's be honest, her request is one made out of exasperation and frustration. It's a request and the emotion behind it is exasperation and annoyance. If she comes at you again, acknowledge her concerns and totally diffuse the situation. Perhaps I wasn't being clear earlier.

    It doesn't mean you shouldn't have an opinion developing of your own. I would hope that your wheels are turning in the background and I'm very sure by now that you're wondering whether this family is good for you overall and whether your choice to stay in the relationship is sound for the long term. Maybe it's that shred of doubt that's bothering you. Stop and resist taking it out on the old woman. Like I said, put down the pitchforks. Muster up your courage and confidence and start thinking about where you see yourself long term with your boyfriend and his family. If you can visualize a future with them, I think you'll be able to navigate this ok. I'm not sure if you actually visualize that though. Again, no disrespect here. Just offering some food for thought.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 09-22-2019 at 02:48 AM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, OP but until you sign a legal document, you really have no say over the family or how it's run. Even to voice a difference in the mother's opinion, at this point, it's not your right.

    You are not the wife, you are the girlfriend. Marriage really does matter a great deal in these issues.

    I also agree with what Rose is trying to say to you. You're not going to win taking on the mother, especially if she is helping out. It's really not your place to say anything.

    You made choices that work best for your family, such as holding off on marriage, so it should go both ways. Remain in your own bed until marriage occurs so as to not stir the pot.

    If it's really important for your boyfriend to sleep together, he can go to yours.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'll be very blunt (no disrespect), I don't think his mother likes you. Period. I'm sorry to have to say that but if it's not already clear enough to you, it should be clear with the level of resentment that's beginning to show. The only way through that, is to neutralize the issues and resentment and think of the bigger picture. Put down the pitchforks, in other words. Make peace, not war. Mentally, stop creating arguments and getting defensive around her. If she comes at you again, acknowledge her concerns and totally diffuse the situation. Perhaps I wasn't being clear earlier.

    It doesn't mean you shouldn't have an opinion developing of your own. I would hope that your wheels are turning in the background and I'm very sure by now that you're wondering whether this family is good for you overall and whether your choice to stay in the relationship is sound for the long term. Maybe it's that shred of doubt that's bothering you. Stop and resist taking it out on the old woman. Like I said, put down the pitchforks. Muster up your courage and confidence and start thinking about where you see yourself long term with your boyfriend and his family. If you can visualize a future with them, I think you'll be able to navigate this ok. I'm not sure if you actually visualize that though. Again, no disrespect here. Just offering some food for thought.
    As a matter of fact his mother & I have always had a very good relationship & get along great, outside of this issue that has taken place. Quite honestly I have no adverse feelings towards her outside of this. I respect her and do like her even though I donít like the way sheís decided to handle this situation or respect how sheís gone about it. There are no pitchforks to put down. There haven't been arguments or any defensiveness made around her by me, actually Iíve never spoken with her about this situation myself, only my boyfriend has. So thereís no war thatís ensued between us, no pitchforks, no arguments & no defensiveness. Quite the opposite actually, since the onset of this, the times Iíve been around her I have been peaceful & cordial & non-confrontational.

    As for my feelings towards my relationship, Iím quite certain of how I feel & Iím very committed. Iím not questioning anything. If I wasnít 100% certain this likely wouldnít concern me so much.

    My feelings are whether a parent or not, relationships needs be boundaries. Itís not healthy for parents to try & dictate their adult childrenís lives, itís not healthy to use coercion as a way to gain cooperation. So while I can respect your mention of it being his family, that Iím the outsider, that I should be trying to keep peace, not rattle things, etc. take me out of the equation and thereís still respect & boundaries that come along with all relationships in life whether that be friendships, employer/employee relationships, romantic relationship and parent / child relationships. I feel itís important that parents recognize that though their adult children may make decisions in life opposite of what their own might be, the parent should respect their childís decision without commotion. Just as if I I didnít agree with an aspect of my own parents lives or a choice they made, it would be disrespectful of me to vocalize my disapproval to a level that included threats if they didnít change it based on my opposition.

    As I know tone can often times get distorted with reading responses & such, please know I mean no disrespect to you, just explaining my position.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I'm sorry, OP but until you sign a legal document, you really have no say over the family or how it's run. Even to voice a difference in the mother's opinion, at this point, it's not your right.

    You are not the wife, you are the girlfriend. Marriage really does matter a great deal in these issues.

    I also agree with what Rose is trying to say to you. You're not going to win taking on the mother, especially if she is helping out. It's really not your place to say anything.

    You made choices that work best for your family, such as holding off on marriage, so it should go both ways. Remain in your own bed until marriage occurs so as to not stir the pot.

    If it's really important for your boyfriend to sleep together, he can go to yours.
    My boyfriend is not onboard with her decision either. Iím unsure if I didnít make that clear to begin with or within my responses. So while I know Iím not legally part of the family, he is and he too isnít onboard with her position regarding things so doesnít his disapproval mean anything? Or is it still a case of he shouldnít rock the family boat & he should remain quiet & conform to his do mother wishes just to avoid making waves, despite his own opposition to her demands?

    As for me doing whatís best for my daughter, if it was really causing issues within our relationship or with my partner that we werenít married now or were waiting, then I would see to it that it would work to marry sooner. It may mean creativity for my daughter regarding transportation, but Iíd make it work.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Thank you for sharing more of your situation. It helps give a lot more perspective. I can see why you're feeling this is so unhealthy.

    It's really up to your boyfriend and his mother to sort those boundaries, I think. If he's not ok with his mother, what he should be doing is arranging another safe and viable option to care for the kids. Ultimately this is really between him, his kids and his mother. What he does in his alone or private time is his business (with you, for example). He should be the one who's initiating those boundaries and looking for other options. If he's not spearheading that or doesn't have the courage to, it's not your place to push for it. I fear you may be hurting yourself in all this if your bf really doesn't have it in him to do what he needs to do.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Then it's for him to deal with, not you.

    If he's not okay with her opinion, then HE can decide to stop taking her help and tell her to not come by. (Not that it'll be the smartest decision to make).

    But truth be told, if you want to one day marry into this family, you're not doing a very good job at keeping good relations.

    She is the mother and the grandmother. She has a right to her opinion as it is her family.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    so sheís aware we arenít interested in her feeling
    Oh boy, tread lightly, OP.

    This is not his sister or an aunt or cousin...it's his mother and the matriarch of the family. You shouldn't even consider talking to her like that unless you really want to make things a mess.

    If you one day plan on marrying this man, you should never consider going to war with her. Tell your partner your feelings, but not the mother. You will create a very hostile relationship between you and her if you do.

    Why can't you stay home when the kids are over? If they aren't there everyday, then it's to keep the peace. That makes more sense to me than anything else.

  10. #19
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    OP, you make many valid points and I think most of us here agree that she is being coercive and unfair.

    The problem? It doesn't matter how right you are, unfortunately. You are likely never going to convince her to change her views, no matter how well-constructed your argument is, nor how change-worthy Grandma's behaviour is. The frustrating thing is that you can (justifiably) outline your views on appropriate boundaries and feel you shouldn't bend to her ultimatum, and it probably won't make a lick of difference to the current situation. She is still choosing to weaponize her own support and involvement. You don't have to accept it, but you are very unlikely to change it.

    Your boyfriend really should look at getting outside help. If he won't or can't, well, you're kind of S.O.L. here until your relationship either leads to marriage or his situation changes to the point where he doesn't require so much help from his mom. I don't see how this situation will resolve itself otherwise.

  11. #20
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    Why not just get married and not move in? Go to the four house and do it. Neutralizes her, fulfills your desire, and keeps your daughter in school where she wants to be. When she is done, move in. You donít need a wedding to be married.

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