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Unsure How To Deal With Boyfriends Mother


angelita0609

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Here’s the consolidated version of my situation. My BF & I have been together for 4 years. Our relationship is marriage bound, I have a great relationship with his kids & will sometimes stay the night when they are there. My boyfriends mother doesn’t like this, she feels it’s morally wrong & says he needs to set a better example for his kids. She’s threatened to stop helping him out with the kids if I continue to stay at all (she helps with taking/picking up the kids from school on days his work schedule isn’t conducive for him to do so himself). Needless to say he needs the help so it’s put him in between a rock & a hard place. However neither of us are happy at all about her using her offer for assistance as leverage to control something in our relationship. I’m extremely displeased as I don’t need her feeling she can control any aspect of our relationship that doesn’t align with her own personal beliefs. I’m not a fan of coercive behavior which is what this is. My boyfriend has spoken with her and expressed his disagreement with this, but it was useless. I’m at a loss as to how we deal with this further so she’s aware we aren’t interested in her feeling she can dictate our relationship as well as setting boundaries & make it clear I’ll stay the night without her saying otherwise. It’s a need to tread lightly subject as he doesn’t want to jeopardize the help with the kids, but also doesn’t want to have to conform to her wishes. Quite honestly he’s an adult and no one, mother or not should be dictating how he does anything, lives his life to include how he parents. I feel like I’m 16 years old again being told you can’t do this....

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I'd worry less over the opinions of the elderly and set about the business of living as a married couple so that you don't have to both behave like you're 16. While his mum's opinions might be annoying to you, I think you're focusing way too much on them. Think bigger and don't get wrapped up in the small stuff. Marriage vs one sleepover here and there. When are you planning on getting married?

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I'd worry less over the opinions of the elderly and set about the business of living as a married couple so that you don't have to both behave like you're 16. While his mum's opinions might be annoying to you, I think you're focusing way too much on them. Think bigger and don't get wrapped up in the small stuff. Marriage vs one sleepover here and there. When are you planning on getting married?

 

There are something’s that are inhibiting marriage right away. So in the meantime we’re doing what works for us, knowing marriage will follow eventually. In the meantime it would be nice not to focus on his mothers opinion, however when there are threats that go along with it as it relates to help she provides which he needs, that makes it a little difficult not to focus on it. Not only that, if boundaries aren’t set then this won’t be the last thing that will have a highly vocalized opinion which will other cause unnecessary tension.

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Kids do need good examples, she's not wrong in that respect.

 

If you two are serious, then why not become husband and wife? It's no good playing house and having kids watch it all.

 

I don't necessarily agree on the mother being this controlling, however, these are her grandchildren and her son. Marriage would be the right thing to do if thats what you both want, after all..4 years is a long time to be on the fence.

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Mom is helping out and not obligated to do so.

 

You dont have to agree with her values but you cant stomp your feet about how she has absolutely no voice while she is simultaneously an active and needed participant in her grandchildren's lives.

 

Get married or provide alternative care for the kids.

 

Things arent always fair, so as long as she is asked to be involved with the kids she will have an opinion in how they are raised. It's sort of like expecting her to do the work but keep quiet.

 

I do agree with you bytheway. But it still wont change how grandma feels about your sleepovers. Shes entitled to how she feels as much as you are.

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Kids do need good examples, she's not wrong in that respect.

 

If you two are serious, then why not become husband and wife? It's no good playing house and having kids watch it all.

 

I don't necessarily agree on the mother being this controlling, however, these are her grandchildren and her son. Marriage would be the right thing to do if thats what you both want, after all..4 years is a long time to be on the fence.

 

It’s not that we’re on the fence. I have a daughter who’s in high school & I’m unwilling to change her school. It’s unfair to uproot her from high school where she’s established & likes just for my l/our benefit. She has a year and a half left & after that marriage will come into focus more.

 

I understand it’s important to set a good example, I don’t disagree at all with that. However I don’t feel we’re setting a bad example. When roots have been established in a relationship & it’s been decided marriage is imminent, I think that makes a difference.

 

Yes he is he son & they are her grandchildren, but irregardless I don’t find it right for someone to try & exert control through threats, that’s not right, parent/grandparent or not.

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There are something’s that are inhibiting marriage right away. So in the meantime we’re doing what works for us, knowing marriage will follow eventually. In the meantime it would be nice not to focus on his mothers opinion, however when there are threats that go along with it as it relates to help she provides which he needs, that makes it a little difficult not to focus on it. Not only that, if boundaries aren’t set then this won’t be the last thing that will have a highly vocalized opinion which will other cause unnecessary tension.

 

There are plenty of members (unfortunately) who have recurring issues with family members. This is not an unpopular topic. Most of them have to do with frustrated girlfriends who are upset over their partners' mothers expressing some unfavourable opinion. I think you're in danger of placing yourself in a very precarious and extremely common position if you remain defensive and upset about your boyfriend's mother. In other words, appearing argumentative and disagreeable in general is not doing you any favours. You're also doing a disservice to your boyfriend, the kids and yourself when you really have no legitimate claim at all or say in the way the family is run. You're an outsider.

 

Let's look at the big picture: you want to spend your life with your boyfriend but there are inhibiting factors. Getting upset or trying to convince an older woman that she's wrong when she helps the family significantly is inappropriate. There's that argumentative and disagreeable card again and you may be running the risk of over-using it. The louder you yell, the less people will listen because it means you're less and less credible over time. This is just human nature.

 

If what you really want is to be part of the family and have a say, there's one way through that narrow corridor. Actually be a part of that family by behaving like you are part of the family. Act in the best interests of the family, not your own. This means putting his mother first, putting the kids first and trying to establish some balance and your own place in there. You should feel welcomed by them, not clamouring to get in. I think you have good intentions but you're letting yourself get a bit too ahead. Stay with it and think bigger, think of everyone else too.

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There are plenty of members (unfortunately) who have recurring issues with family members. This is not an unpopular topic. Most of them have to do with frustrated girlfriends who are upset over their partners' mothers expressing some unfavourable opinion. I think you're in danger of placing yourself in a very precarious and extremely common position if you remain defensive and upset about your boyfriend's mother. In other words, appearing argumentative and disagreeable in general is not doing you any favours. You're also doing a disservice to your boyfriend, the kids and yourself when you really have no legitimate claim at all or say in the way the family is run. You're an outsider.

 

Let's look at the big picture: you want to spend your life with your boyfriend but there are inhibiting factors. Getting upset or trying to convince an older woman that she's wrong when she helps the family significantly is inappropriate. There's that argumentative and disagreeable card again and you may be running the risk of over-using it. The louder you yell, the less people will listen because it means you're less and less credible over time. This is just human nature.

 

If what you really want is to be part of the family and have a say, there's one way through that narrow corridor. Actually be a part of that family by behaving like you are part of the family. Act in the best interests of the family, not your own. This means putting his mother first, putting the kids first and trying to establish some balance and your own place in there. You should feel welcomed by them, not clamouring to get in. I think you have good intentions but you're letting yourself get a bit too ahead. Stay with it and think bigger, think of everyone else too.

 

And when the next issue comes along that she doesn’t agree with & this same thing happens again, I’m just supposed to sit back & accept it & think of it as it’s his family & therefore I need to take their wishes of our relationship into consideration even with threats attached? When does it come down to its our relationship & it’s important to do what’s best for us? I’m not one to standby and say nothing just to pacify & keep peace with others, for their satisfaction.

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And when the next issue comes along that she doesn’t agree with & this same thing happens again, I’m just supposed to sit back & accept it & think of it as it’s his family & therefore I need to take their wishes of our relationship into consideration even with threats attached? When does it come down to its our relationship & it’s important to do what’s best for us? I’m not one to standby and say nothing just to pacify & keep peace with others, for their satisfaction.

 

I'll be very blunt (no disrespect). I don't think his mother likes you. Period. I'm sorry to have to say that but if it's not already clear enough to you, it should be clear with the level of resentment that's beginning to show. The only way through that, is to neutralize the issues and resentment and think of the bigger picture. Put down the pitchforks, in other words. Make peace, not war. Mentally, stop creating arguments and getting defensive around her. It might help to change the language or the use of the word "threats". Really, let's be honest, her request is one made out of exasperation and frustration. It's a request and the emotion behind it is exasperation and annoyance. If she comes at you again, acknowledge her concerns and totally diffuse the situation. Perhaps I wasn't being clear earlier.

 

It doesn't mean you shouldn't have an opinion developing of your own. I would hope that your wheels are turning in the background and I'm very sure by now that you're wondering whether this family is good for you overall and whether your choice to stay in the relationship is sound for the long term. Maybe it's that shred of doubt that's bothering you. Stop and resist taking it out on the old woman. Like I said, put down the pitchforks. Muster up your courage and confidence and start thinking about where you see yourself long term with your boyfriend and his family. If you can visualize a future with them, I think you'll be able to navigate this ok. I'm not sure if you actually visualize that though. Again, no disrespect here. Just offering some food for thought.

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I'm sorry, OP but until you sign a legal document, you really have no say over the family or how it's run. Even to voice a difference in the mother's opinion, at this point, it's not your right.

 

You are not the wife, you are the girlfriend. Marriage really does matter a great deal in these issues.

 

I also agree with what Rose is trying to say to you. You're not going to win taking on the mother, especially if she is helping out. It's really not your place to say anything.

 

You made choices that work best for your family, such as holding off on marriage, so it should go both ways. Remain in your own bed until marriage occurs so as to not stir the pot.

 

If it's really important for your boyfriend to sleep together, he can go to yours.

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I'll be very blunt (no disrespect), I don't think his mother likes you. Period. I'm sorry to have to say that but if it's not already clear enough to you, it should be clear with the level of resentment that's beginning to show. The only way through that, is to neutralize the issues and resentment and think of the bigger picture. Put down the pitchforks, in other words. Make peace, not war. Mentally, stop creating arguments and getting defensive around her. If she comes at you again, acknowledge her concerns and totally diffuse the situation. Perhaps I wasn't being clear earlier.

 

It doesn't mean you shouldn't have an opinion developing of your own. I would hope that your wheels are turning in the background and I'm very sure by now that you're wondering whether this family is good for you overall and whether your choice to stay in the relationship is sound for the long term. Maybe it's that shred of doubt that's bothering you. Stop and resist taking it out on the old woman. Like I said, put down the pitchforks. Muster up your courage and confidence and start thinking about where you see yourself long term with your boyfriend and his family. If you can visualize a future with them, I think you'll be able to navigate this ok. I'm not sure if you actually visualize that though. Again, no disrespect here. Just offering some food for thought.

 

As a matter of fact his mother & I have always had a very good relationship & get along great, outside of this issue that has taken place. Quite honestly I have no adverse feelings towards her outside of this. I respect her and do like her even though I don’t like the way she’s decided to handle this situation or respect how she’s gone about it. There are no pitchforks to put down. There haven't been arguments or any defensiveness made around her by me, actually I’ve never spoken with her about this situation myself, only my boyfriend has. So there’s no war that’s ensued between us, no pitchforks, no arguments & no defensiveness. Quite the opposite actually, since the onset of this, the times I’ve been around her I have been peaceful & cordial & non-confrontational.

 

As for my feelings towards my relationship, I’m quite certain of how I feel & I’m very committed. I’m not questioning anything. If I wasn’t 100% certain this likely wouldn’t concern me so much.

 

My feelings are whether a parent or not, relationships needs be boundaries. It’s not healthy for parents to try & dictate their adult children’s lives, it’s not healthy to use coercion as a way to gain cooperation. So while I can respect your mention of it being his family, that I’m the outsider, that I should be trying to keep peace, not rattle things, etc. take me out of the equation and there’s still respect & boundaries that come along with all relationships in life whether that be friendships, employer/employee relationships, romantic relationship and parent / child relationships. I feel it’s important that parents recognize that though their adult children may make decisions in life opposite of what their own might be, the parent should respect their child’s decision without commotion. Just as if I I didn’t agree with an aspect of my own parents lives or a choice they made, it would be disrespectful of me to vocalize my disapproval to a level that included threats if they didn’t change it based on my opposition.

 

As I know tone can often times get distorted with reading responses & such, please know I mean no disrespect to you, just explaining my position.

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I'm sorry, OP but until you sign a legal document, you really have no say over the family or how it's run. Even to voice a difference in the mother's opinion, at this point, it's not your right.

 

You are not the wife, you are the girlfriend. Marriage really does matter a great deal in these issues.

 

I also agree with what Rose is trying to say to you. You're not going to win taking on the mother, especially if she is helping out. It's really not your place to say anything.

 

You made choices that work best for your family, such as holding off on marriage, so it should go both ways. Remain in your own bed until marriage occurs so as to not stir the pot.

 

If it's really important for your boyfriend to sleep together, he can go to yours.

 

My boyfriend is not onboard with her decision either. I’m unsure if I didn’t make that clear to begin with or within my responses. So while I know I’m not legally part of the family, he is and he too isn’t onboard with her position regarding things so doesn’t his disapproval mean anything? Or is it still a case of he shouldn’t rock the family boat & he should remain quiet & conform to his do mother wishes just to avoid making waves, despite his own opposition to her demands?

 

As for me doing what’s best for my daughter, if it was really causing issues within our relationship or with my partner that we weren’t married now or were waiting, then I would see to it that it would work to marry sooner. It may mean creativity for my daughter regarding transportation, but I’d make it work.

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Thank you for sharing more of your situation. It helps give a lot more perspective. I can see why you're feeling this is so unhealthy.

 

It's really up to your boyfriend and his mother to sort those boundaries, I think. If he's not ok with his mother, what he should be doing is arranging another safe and viable option to care for the kids. Ultimately this is really between him, his kids and his mother. What he does in his alone or private time is his business (with you, for example). He should be the one who's initiating those boundaries and looking for other options. If he's not spearheading that or doesn't have the courage to, it's not your place to push for it. I fear you may be hurting yourself in all this if your bf really doesn't have it in him to do what he needs to do.

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Then it's for him to deal with, not you.

 

If he's not okay with her opinion, then HE can decide to stop taking her help and tell her to not come by. (Not that it'll be the smartest decision to make).

 

But truth be told, if you want to one day marry into this family, you're not doing a very good job at keeping good relations.

 

She is the mother and the grandmother. She has a right to her opinion as it is her family.

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so she’s aware we aren’t interested in her feeling

 

Oh boy, tread lightly, OP.

 

This is not his sister or an aunt or cousin...it's his mother and the matriarch of the family. You shouldn't even consider talking to her like that unless you really want to make things a mess.

 

If you one day plan on marrying this man, you should never consider going to war with her. Tell your partner your feelings, but not the mother. You will create a very hostile relationship between you and her if you do.

 

Why can't you stay home when the kids are over? If they aren't there everyday, then it's to keep the peace. That makes more sense to me than anything else.

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OP, you make many valid points and I think most of us here agree that she is being coercive and unfair.

 

The problem? It doesn't matter how right you are, unfortunately. You are likely never going to convince her to change her views, no matter how well-constructed your argument is, nor how change-worthy Grandma's behaviour is. The frustrating thing is that you can (justifiably) outline your views on appropriate boundaries and feel you shouldn't bend to her ultimatum, and it probably won't make a lick of difference to the current situation. She is still choosing to weaponize her own support and involvement. You don't have to accept it, but you are very unlikely to change it.

 

Your boyfriend really should look at getting outside help. If he won't or can't, well, you're kind of S.O.L. here until your relationship either leads to marriage or his situation changes to the point where he doesn't require so much help from his mom. I don't see how this situation will resolve itself otherwise.

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I sit on both sides of the fence as I'm a mother of sons, I have a MIL (mother-in-law) and I am a DIL (daughter-in-law). My son has a girlfriend, too.

 

I agree with others. It's your fiance's job to rectify this situation with his mother regarding childcare. They need to handle this among themselves.

 

Having said that, you need to respect and honor your MIL's status as a childcare provider, as the grandmother and your fiance's mother ~ even if you disagree with her. She has earned her status whereas you have not. Even though she is manipulating this dilemma for you, you need to ask yourself, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" If I were you, I'd choose the latter.

 

As a DIL, I've been in predicaments with my MIL and I've always acquiesced in order to keep the peace. The cost was not high either.

 

There are times when you need to swallow your pride for the sake of the whole. Don't think about what's right, what the principle is, which point you need to prove and demonstrate your form of "justice" because it won't work. You're just blowing hot air. It will only fall on deaf ears and at the end of the day, the son's mother has the final say.

 

Be prepared because this is what you're marrying into. If you're already starting out on a rough patch with your future MIL, it will only grow worse about some other issue.

 

In the meantime, stop spending the night with your fiance, wait until you're married and then act like a married couple. Your future MIL is more old-school / traditional and prefers sleeping arrangements to be legally proper in front of her grandchildren. My MIL is the same way and I am the same way regarding my sons. If you need a room, book a hotel with him! NOT in my house!

 

Abide by the rules or know WW3 is about to erupt sometime in the near future and do you want an acrimonious relationship over this with your future MIL? Is it worth the fight?

 

Know your place in the family. It is not at the top.

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Unfortunately he's asking grandma for favors, so she can set whatever terms she wants. If he gets a sitter, nanny or lets the kids stay with their mother more often, then he can set different terms. Your bf's childcare arrangements are the problem, not his mother. He needs to get more organized. Maybe he is telling you this to rope you into babysitting for free for him?

 

Why doesn't he stay at your place? Why do you have to stay there when his kids are there? Stay when they are with their mom or when they stay at grandma's. As long as he wants free babysitting he will pay in other ways. He is the problem not her. She's not dictating anything. He is choosing free babysitting services and that is his choice. Do not let him fob it off as if his mother is the issue. This guy seems to have some major issues with his kids, their mother and his mother. Your relationship is merely collateral damage.

 

Keep in mind you are not married, do not live there, it's not your house, they are not your kids, she is not your mother, she doesn't babysit for you and basically you have no say in any of this. And that's how your bf is playing this.

My BF & I have been together for 4 years.

 

I have a great relationship with his kids & will sometimes stay the night when they are there.

 

She’s threatened to stop helping him out with the kids if I continue to stay at all

 

However neither of us are happy at all about her using her offer for assistance as leverage to control something in our relationship.

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I don't know that the mother is being unfair and coercive. She is entitled to believe that you should not be sleeping together with the children around without benefit of marriage. And she is providing a service for your boyfriend, I'm assuming free of charge?

 

If you don't like the terms, you have a few choices. Either stop spending the night with him or get married and as someone else suggested, don't move in together until the logistics can be worked out.

 

You can also get child care elsewhere.

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Thank you for sharing more of your situation. It helps give a lot more perspective. I can see why you're feeling this is so unhealthy.

 

It's really up to your boyfriend and his mother to sort those boundaries, I think. If he's not ok with his mother, what he should be doing is arranging another safe and viable option to care for the kids. Ultimately this is really between him, his kids and his mother. What he does in his alone or private time is his business (with you, for example). He should be the one who's initiating those boundaries and looking for other options. If he's not spearheading that or doesn't have the courage to, it's not your place to push for it. I fear you may be hurting yourself in all this if your bf really doesn't have it in him to do what he needs to do.

 

Totally agree.

 

OP, he needs to get some outside help.

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