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Thread: Unsure How To Deal With Boyfriends Mother

  1. #1
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    Unsure How To Deal With Boyfriends Mother

    Hereís the consolidated version of my situation. My BF & I have been together for 4 years. Our relationship is marriage bound, I have a great relationship with his kids & will sometimes stay the night when they are there. My boyfriends mother doesnít like this, she feels itís morally wrong & says he needs to set a better example for his kids. Sheís threatened to stop helping him out with the kids if I continue to stay at all (she helps with taking/picking up the kids from school on days his work schedule isnít conducive for him to do so himself). Needless to say he needs the help so itís put him in between a rock & a hard place. However neither of us are happy at all about her using her offer for assistance as leverage to control something in our relationship. Iím extremely displeased as I donít need her feeling she can control any aspect of our relationship that doesnít align with her own personal beliefs. Iím not a fan of coercive behavior which is what this is. My boyfriend has spoken with her and expressed his disagreement with this, but it was useless. Iím at a loss as to how we deal with this further so sheís aware we arenít interested in her feeling she can dictate our relationship as well as setting boundaries & make it clear Iíll stay the night without her saying otherwise. Itís a need to tread lightly subject as he doesnít want to jeopardize the help with the kids, but also doesnít want to have to conform to her wishes. Quite honestly heís an adult and no one, mother or not should be dictating how he does anything, lives his life to include how he parents. I feel like Iím 16 years old again being told you canít do this....

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd worry less over the opinions of the elderly and set about the business of living as a married couple so that you don't have to both behave like you're 16. While his mum's opinions might be annoying to you, I think you're focusing way too much on them. Think bigger and don't get wrapped up in the small stuff. Marriage vs one sleepover here and there. When are you planning on getting married?

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'd worry less over the opinions of the elderly and set about the business of living as a married couple so that you don't have to both behave like you're 16. While his mum's opinions might be annoying to you, I think you're focusing way too much on them. Think bigger and don't get wrapped up in the small stuff. Marriage vs one sleepover here and there. When are you planning on getting married?
    There are somethingís that are inhibiting marriage right away. So in the meantime weíre doing what works for us, knowing marriage will follow eventually. In the meantime it would be nice not to focus on his mothers opinion, however when there are threats that go along with it as it relates to help she provides which he needs, that makes it a little difficult not to focus on it. Not only that, if boundaries arenít set then this wonít be the last thing that will have a highly vocalized opinion which will other cause unnecessary tension.

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Kids do need good examples, she's not wrong in that respect.

    If you two are serious, then why not become husband and wife? It's no good playing house and having kids watch it all.

    I don't necessarily agree on the mother being this controlling, however, these are her grandchildren and her son. Marriage would be the right thing to do if thats what you both want, after all..4 years is a long time to be on the fence.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Mom is helping out and not obligated to do so.

    You dont have to agree with her values but you cant stomp your feet about how she has absolutely no voice while she is simultaneously an active and needed participant in her grandchildren's lives.

    Get married or provide alternative care for the kids.

    Things arent always fair, so as long as she is asked to be involved with the kids she will have an opinion in how they are raised. It's sort of like expecting her to do the work but keep quiet.

    I do agree with you bytheway. But it still wont change how grandma feels about your sleepovers. Shes entitled to how she feels as much as you are.

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Kids do need good examples, she's not wrong in that respect.

    If you two are serious, then why not become husband and wife? It's no good playing house and having kids watch it all.

    I don't necessarily agree on the mother being this controlling, however, these are her grandchildren and her son. Marriage would be the right thing to do if thats what you both want, after all..4 years is a long time to be on the fence.
    Itís not that weíre on the fence. I have a daughter whoís in high school & Iím unwilling to change her school. Itís unfair to uproot her from high school where sheís established & likes just for my l/our benefit. She has a year and a half left & after that marriage will come into focus more.

    I understand itís important to set a good example, I donít disagree at all with that. However I donít feel weíre setting a bad example. When roots have been established in a relationship & itís been decided marriage is imminent, I think that makes a difference.

    Yes he is he son & they are her grandchildren, but irregardless I donít find it right for someone to try & exert control through threats, thatís not right, parent/grandparent or not.
    Last edited by angelita0609; 09-22-2019 at 01:43 AM. Reason: Word correction

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    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Is he still legally married to the children's mother?

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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Is he still legally married to the children's mother?
    No. Theyíve been divorced for quite sometime. Itís not the childrenís mother Iím talking about though, itís his mother.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by angelita0609
    There are somethingís that are inhibiting marriage right away. So in the meantime weíre doing what works for us, knowing marriage will follow eventually. In the meantime it would be nice not to focus on his mothers opinion, however when there are threats that go along with it as it relates to help she provides which he needs, that makes it a little difficult not to focus on it. Not only that, if boundaries arenít set then this wonít be the last thing that will have a highly vocalized opinion which will other cause unnecessary tension.
    There are plenty of members (unfortunately) who have recurring issues with family members. This is not an unpopular topic. Most of them have to do with frustrated girlfriends who are upset over their partners' mothers expressing some unfavourable opinion. I think you're in danger of placing yourself in a very precarious and extremely common position if you remain defensive and upset about your boyfriend's mother. In other words, appearing argumentative and disagreeable in general is not doing you any favours. You're also doing a disservice to your boyfriend, the kids and yourself when you really have no legitimate claim at all or say in the way the family is run. You're an outsider.

    Let's look at the big picture: you want to spend your life with your boyfriend but there are inhibiting factors. Getting upset or trying to convince an older woman that she's wrong when she helps the family significantly is inappropriate. There's that argumentative and disagreeable card again and you may be running the risk of over-using it. The louder you yell, the less people will listen because it means you're less and less credible over time. This is just human nature.

    If what you really want is to be part of the family and have a say, there's one way through that narrow corridor. Actually be a part of that family by behaving like you are part of the family. Act in the best interests of the family, not your own. This means putting his mother first, putting the kids first and trying to establish some balance and your own place in there. You should feel welcomed by them, not clamouring to get in. I think you have good intentions but you're letting yourself get a bit too ahead. Stay with it and think bigger, think of everyone else too.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    There are plenty of members (unfortunately) who have recurring issues with family members. This is not an unpopular topic. Most of them have to do with frustrated girlfriends who are upset over their partners' mothers expressing some unfavourable opinion. I think you're in danger of placing yourself in a very precarious and extremely common position if you remain defensive and upset about your boyfriend's mother. In other words, appearing argumentative and disagreeable in general is not doing you any favours. You're also doing a disservice to your boyfriend, the kids and yourself when you really have no legitimate claim at all or say in the way the family is run. You're an outsider.

    Let's look at the big picture: you want to spend your life with your boyfriend but there are inhibiting factors. Getting upset or trying to convince an older woman that she's wrong when she helps the family significantly is inappropriate. There's that argumentative and disagreeable card again and you may be running the risk of over-using it. The louder you yell, the less people will listen because it means you're less and less credible over time. This is just human nature.

    If what you really want is to be part of the family and have a say, there's one way through that narrow corridor. Actually be a part of that family by behaving like you are part of the family. Act in the best interests of the family, not your own. This means putting his mother first, putting the kids first and trying to establish some balance and your own place in there. You should feel welcomed by them, not clamouring to get in. I think you have good intentions but you're letting yourself get a bit too ahead. Stay with it and think bigger, think of everyone else too.
    And when the next issue comes along that she doesnít agree with & this same thing happens again, Iím just supposed to sit back & accept it & think of it as itís his family & therefore I need to take their wishes of our relationship into consideration even with threats attached? When does it come down to its our relationship & itís important to do whatís best for us? Iím not one to standby and say nothing just to pacify & keep peace with others, for their satisfaction.

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